Ex's desire to try poly amorous

W

whatadiva

New member
I wasn't sure where to make this post but if it needs to be moved; then i kindly ask an Admin if they can move it for me.

A bit of background:-
Me: F 38 strictly monogamous
Ex: M 32, 3 failed marriages, after which became emotionally independent; and now wants to try poly amorous.

He states that it's because of his 3 failed marriages that he learned the hard way and became emotionally independent yet; became emotionally attached to me; i know those are two different things. But I still don't understand the connection between the two.

Things between us were great for the year; but then went sour these past couple of months. He couldn't handle the drama. He states that I gave him the idea of poly amorous but I really don't know how.

He's a dom, I'm a sub - we acted out a daddy daughter relationship and we have talked about bringing in another female. I would act as mom, and the girl would be daughter.

We never got round to putting this into action.

anyway. He has a desire to try poly triad in the hope that he states in an email to me

"The issue is that because I am not emotionally dependent in a relationship, by having a triad poly my partners wouldn't feel like they aren't being fully satisfied because they would still be able to get that emotional dependency from each other too. It covers my shortcomings as a partner"

So I ask of you; will poly triad backfire on him?

What potential issues can you possibly see?

and just to note, his marriages didn't fail because he wanted to try poly triad; he says the wives cheated on him, no idea why?
 
Hello whatadiva,

Theoretically, there is not a problem with what Ex wants. But it can take awhile to find another female, so you have to be patient. Also the added female must be fully informed of what her role will be, and what all will be expected of her. This way she can consent ahead of time, if she is willing. Also I am wondering, when you say "Ex," do you mean that you are broken up with him right now? If so, are you thinking about getting back together with him? What would be the conditions under which you'd be willing to get back together with him?

And finally, is an MFF triad something *you* want? Do you want to play a mothering role to the other female? Don't just do it because he wants it, do it (if it all) because you want it too.

These are the main issues that I could think of to consider. I hope you'll have a happy triad.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello whatadiva,

Theoretically, there is not a problem with what Ex wants. But it can take awhile to find another female, so you have to be patient. Also the added female must be fully informed of what her role will be, and what all will be expected of her. This way she can consent ahead of time, if she is willing. Also I am wondering, when you say "Ex," do you mean that you are broken up with him right now? If so, are you thinking about getting back together with him? What would be the conditions under which you'd be willing to get back together with him?

And finally, is an MFF triad something *you* want? Do you want to play a mothering role to the other female? Don't just do it because he wants it, do it (if it all) because you want it too.

These are the main issues that I could think of to consider. I hope you'll have a happy triad.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...


i offered to do it to save face of the he relationship. i only wanted a relationship with him. I don't want to share him with anybody.
This is something he wants to try; he doesn't even know if it's for him.
We re broken up. I'm still hung up on him.
i'm just curious about him trying poly to solve his emotional independence issue...thoughts?
 
I find it weird that your ex is emailing you about his desire to do a poly triad. You guys are broken up. Not really your concern. Why's he bugging you?

For your own post break up healing? I think you could tell him to stop emailing you this stuff. You could remind YOURSELF not to get involved with his stuff.

Some of the "Why? Why?" is natural after a break up. Just don't let it suck you back into his world or delay your own healing.

He has a desire to try poly triad in the hope that he states in an email to me

"The issue is that because I am not emotionally dependent in a relationship, by having a triad poly my partners wouldn't feel like they aren't being fully satisfied because they would still be able to get that emotional dependency from each other too. It covers my shortcomings as a partner"
Click to expand...


That sounds like word salad to me. Like if written plainer from the bottom up it would be more like...

"In order to cover my shortcomings as a partner? I want to be in a poly triad. Then my partners can deal with each other's emotional needs and support each other emotionally. Then I don't have to. I can still get the goodies without putting in the work that way. Because I don't want to be emotionally invested in a relationship."​

Which sounds like a crap deal to me. But whatever... people can do whatever it is they want. They are free to choose.

This "emotional independence" he claims to have. To me it sounds like a way to not take emotional responsibility for situations he contributed to. Three failed marriages? Eventually you have to wonder what the common denominator there is. Some of it sounds like HIM -- either picking out odd partners or not doing his fair share or something. Or they very thing he's talking about. He calls it "emotionally independent." Maybe it is "emotionally unavailable" and his partners get tired of that and leave.

But again... no longer your concern nor your problem. He is your ex. Let be it ended and focus on YOUR healing rather than whatever it is HE is doing post break up.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I find it weird that your ex is emailing you about his desire to do a poly triad.
You guys are broken up. Not really your concern.

You could tell him to stop emailing you this stuff. You could also tell YOU not to get involved with his stuff.




That sounds like word salad to me. Like if written plainer from the bottom up it would be more like...

"In order to cover my shortcomings as a partner? I want to be in a poly triad. Then my partners can deal with each other's needs. I don't have to. I can still get the goodies without putting in the work that way. Because I don't want to be emotionally invested here."

Which sounds like a crap deal to me. But whatever... people can do whatever it is they want. They are free to choose.

Galagirl
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exactly what it sounded like to me! the email back and forth was because of me initiating contact with him after he had broken up with me. I let it happen.
But after our recent communication there will be no more contact. He is dead to me now.

I vested 100% into the relationship only to get a 50% return.
 
If it sounded like word salad to you too? Sounds like you know it's weird.

I think no longer contacting him is best.

Keep away from the weird.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from whatadiva):
"I'm just curious about him trying poly to solve his emotional independence issue ... thoughts?"
Click to expand...

In theory it could work. The two women could be there for each other, while he could remain emotionally distant/unattached. Is this what you mean when you say emotional independence?

The thing is, both of the women would have to be fully consenting to the arrangement. Including, they would both have to accept that he is going to be emotionally independent. They also would have to be willing to share him with each other, and you have said that you don't want to share him. Unless you think that could change in the future, this would probably be a bad arrangement for you. Maybe it would be great for him, but. Maybe he could find two other females to do it with, and you could go your own way. Unless you think you could end up wanting to share him sometime in the future?

I know you are still hung up on him, but be cautious about being drawn into something that would make you unhappy. YKWIM?

With concerns and regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from whatadiva):


In theory it could work. The two women could be there for each other, while he could remain emotionally distant/unattached. Is this what you mean when you say emotional independence?

The thing is, both of the women would have to be fully consenting to the arrangement. Including, they would both have to accept that he is going to be emotionally independent. They also would have to be willing to share him with each other, and you have said that you don't want to share him. Unless you think that could change in the future, this would probably be a bad arrangement for you. Maybe it would be great for him, but. Maybe he could find two other females to do it with, and you could go your own way. Unless you think you could end up wanting to share him sometime in the future?

I know you are still hung up on him, but be cautious about being drawn into something that would make you unhappy. YKWIM?

With concerns and regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

by the time he talked about him being emotional independent (meaning he doesn't have to be in a relationship; he is happy being a lone even); i had already been emotionally attached to him.
He is living with his male best friend, both are nerdy gamers and he said he's not sure if he can ever stop living with his best friend because he enjoys it so much. he enjoys his best friends company overall.
He is a father of three girls. He doesn't really see the eldest because she lives out of state. The younger two stay with him every other week (one week on one week off etc)
 
Yeah, this whole "emotionally independent" thing sounds very weird to me too.

I can understand "I don't need to be in a relationship, I'm happy being single." That's fine. Healthy even. But being human means having emotions and inevitably your emotions will be affected by other humans.

It sounds more like he's emotionally repressed and has decided it's easier to fake his way through relationships than to do the difficult and time-consuming work of learning to experience, differentiate, and express his feelings.

Good call on blocking him from your life. You don't need to be with someone who won't take responsibility for his own emotions, to such an extent that he basically denies having them?
 
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Then he can stay happy living with his best friend and being alone. Not make such a production of it.

I don't know him at all, and I could be wrong. But to me it sounds like he's painting himself into a "romantic" character with all this "I've been wounded by love, so I've had to learn to be emotionally independent now."

Like "fishing." To see who will come along to do all these acts of service to get him to "thaw out" and "give love a chance again" and all that.

When really? It's them doing lots of work and him getting the goodies without him having to put in his fair share.

Skip the weird.

Galagirl
 
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