New ~ need a little advice...

[MiHippieChic]

Hello everyone, I'm new. Obviously. Just the best way to describe myself. I'm literally brand new to poly. To explain....

I'm a 39 year old, bisexual woman. The bi part is NOT new. I've had relationships with other women before, most of the time shallow and sexual. Once before, even a few feelings but never that head over heels, spin you around, kick you on your butt kind of way I had felt about men. Still, I was always physically more attracted to women (beautiful in every way) and emotionally, to men (probably just easier, tbh). Not that I don't find men sexy, I do, but it's more emotional sexy. Anyway, I married one of my best friends growing up, a man. He knew my sexuality, was there, in fact, as a friend while I was figuring it out. We both were in agreement of how we saw marriage: committed. Two people. This never meant I was giving up a part of me, just that he was doubly lucky landing me since my dating pool was apparently so much more diverse than his lol.
Fast forward. We have been married 14 years (in 15 days we will be celebrating that anniversary). A few months ago, through my oldest son (yes, we have 2 boys, 11 and 14) we met the most amazing woman I've ever met. As I'm sure you can tell, things did not happen typically. She has two boys, roughly the same age as ours. As our families got to know each other, we all got closer. Me and her first. But honestly, one thing that made me really fall for her was how she acted toward and treated my husband. She inherently understood him. Her and I click in a beautiful way, but the three of us, I mean wow. And all 7 of us (kids included here lol) have become a family. I'm not sure when exactly it happened for her, but we both got little crushes on each other. Then came our "sister wife" jokes. (Gawd how I hate that term tho). A month or so ago ago hubby n me had a talk cuz, well, I can't and don't hide things from him. We have always been honest about everything with each other. He came up with the idea for the three of us to get a sitter, then go to dinner, get drunk, and stay at a hotel for the night so we could have adult time.
After lots of conversation between the three of us, I'm sure you can guess what happened. Before the physical part, I had certain views. I never thought I'd be ok with anyone, even her, alone with my hubby. I've never been a jealous person, but this is the father of my kids here. What I still don't understand is why it changed.... IDK. After the physical, and so far there was that one night (literally only a week and a half ago), all of our feelings for each other have gotten deeper. I want to state now that this girl never would try to get between he an I. Ever. And I have seen in their faces them both wrestling theirs for each other, a fact that makes me love them both so much more. My hubby is an over the road trucker, and he had to leave for two weeks last Sunday (25th.) She rushed over for dinner with us before he left (he stayed a day later than he thought). I watched her hug him goodbye (I've been searching for negative feelings in myself constantly in this whole thing), whisper for him to be safe, and my heart just swelled. There's one more person to miss him, pray for him, love him. Good, he deserves that. Top that off with the fact that these are the 2 adults I love most in this world, my head was in the clouds. No shred of negativity.
He and I decided to invite her into our marriage as an equal. My mind is not changed and for some reason I have zero hesitations, to spite the fact I've been diligently searching for any negative feelings. However, while he's not changing his mind, I worry my hubby is getting jealous. See right now, she's here, he's not. In town. I've seen her for a couple hours each day, but he's been on the road. Still, we're in constant contact via phone. When he and I are talking about his and her hesitations with their feelings for each other, I tell him it will take time, because they both gotta get over that feeling that they're betraying me. He asks me how I can be just all ok and not awkward so quick... Not awkward???? Lol first woman I've been with in over 16 years. First person other than him in that long. She's also the first woman I've ever loved like this. Funny thing is I feel like this largely because of how she has been with my husband, how understanding of him and our relationship. Also, if you're bi I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say it's a different love. For me anyways. And it seems she just makes us... Stronger. IDK. This is all new. After being married, I thought my "dating" days were over. I never in a million years thought I'd feel like this toward someone other than him. And I never thought I'd be ok with, let alone want and encourage my husband to be with another woman. How can I help him better understand my point of view?

Sorry for the book, I just really, really need advice. Thanks all!

 

[TheLimey]

The important thing is to be honest, I feel. Let your husband know how it makes you feel about seeing him and the new partner together. That it made you feel happy that she came over before he went out on the road, and how you felt when she revealed how much she cared for him.

 

[Vicki82]

It sounds like you are pretty heavily into NRE. Which is awesome and fun, so enjoy it! But remember that NRE is when we're wearing rose coloured glasses and we don't necessarily see things for what they are.

I'm not saying this woman is a cowgirl- far from it. But this is a brand new relationship so to unequivocally say she is like X, or never would do X... is that a realistic thing? You're seeing all the good stuff about her. Which is awesome and enjoy every moment because that intensity doesn't last forever.

New relationships take time to build. It's normal for there to be more hesitancy. Every connection needs to sort itself out, and that's OK. Just keep communicating with each other and take it really slowly. What's the rush?

 

[GalaGirl]

You might get more replies if you make some paragraph breaks for better readability. I think you might be in the edit window still?

When he and I are talking about his and her hesitations with their feelings for each other, I tell him it will take time, because they both gotta get over that feeling that they're betraying me. He asks me how I can be just all ok and not awkward so quick... Not awkward???? Lol first woman I've been with in over 16 years.

Just be honest. "It IS awkward for me. This is the first woman I've been with in over 16 years. First person other than you in that long. She's also the first woman I've ever loved like this. Just that my awkward parts are not gonna be the same ones as your awkward parts or in the same way because we are two different people. "

Maybe you can think of better analogy here... but this is what popped into my mind.

"Just like if someone kicks us both in the crotch. We're both gonna hurt. But I have indoor plumbing and you have outdoor plumbing. It's just not gonna hurt in the exact SAME way, YKWIM?

Then you can ask /offer.

"What are you struggling with? How can I help comfort you?"

If he's wanting to talk about his awkward, talk about HIS awkward.

He and I decided to invite her into our marriage as an equal.

Nope. You did not "add" her to the marriage. You and him broke up the former marriage. Maybe not legally. But it broke up and ended. To form this NEW 3 people model.

So you could ask him

"Do you think some of the awkward you experience might be from how we framed this? Like we were talking about adding her to the marriage. But maybe it feels more like we broke up the old marriage to start a whole new 3 people marriage thing? And even amid the happy feelings, maybe there's some grief or loss too? Like the old normal is gone, the new normal is not here yet, and this transitional space in between feels weird?"

Maybe that is the awkward he is trying to express. Grief, loss, and weird even while happy and the internal conflict that arises from all that.

How can I help him better understand my point of view?

When he asks "how is this not awkward for you?" he is saying "This is really awkward for me." So no. If he's trying to talk to you about HIS awkward, don't steal the microphone and start talking about YOU and explaining your POV.

Listen to his POV. Ask clarifying questions if he needs help articulating.

Then ask if you can share you stuff when it is is your turn to have the microphone.

That's my suggestion.

Galagirl

 

[Vicki82]

Nope. You did not "add" her to the marriage. You and him broke up the former marriage. Maybe not legally. But it broke up. To form this NEW 3 people model.

So you could ask him

"Do you think some of the awkward you experience might be from how we framed this? Like we were talking about adding her to the marriage. But maybe it feels more like we broke up the old marriage to start a whole new 3 people marriage thing? And even amid the happy feelings, maybe there's some grief or loss too? Like the old normal is gone, the new normal is not here yet, and this transitional space in between feels weird?"

I guess that's my other issue when I see people say that. You wouldn't get married as a monogamous person after knowing someone a few months nad going head over heels... so why is it a situation where the person gets to be in your marriage as an equal partner when they haven't really "earned" the role in the same way as your other partner?

I'm not even talking about hierarchy; what I mean is that the relationship hasn't developed organically to where your connections are even on an equal footing. Less history, less experience in connection, less intimate knowledge of each other, etc. It's not about treating someone as though they are less, but recognition that the relationships are in fact different.

But maybe that's just my opinion and I don't mean to hijack the thread. I do practice hierarchy. I can't imagine equating a long term relationship as "equal" to one of a few months, or saying that it means I'm equally married to the new partner as I am to my existing one.

Just some thoughts?

 

[GalaGirl]

He and I decided to invite her into our marriage as an equal

I guess that's my other issue when I see people say that. You wouldn't get married as a monogamous person after knowing someone a few months nad going head over heels... so why is it a situation where the person gets to be in your marriage as an equal partner when they haven't really "earned" the role in the same way as your other partner?

I figure if that what people want to do? That's their biz. It's their group marriage, they get to say how it goes over there.

Me? I'm more like you. Met a few months ago, just shared group sex <2 weeks ago? I would not consider a person "a new spouse" person this fast.

But you know what, MiHippychick? Vicki82 brings up a good point.

Maybe that is part of the awkward husband is trying to articulate? Like "Hang on! I just realized we are going too fast!"

You could ASK him if it is that. It's also ok to slow all this down. Not call it group marriage yet, and call it "We Opened the marriage and now we all date."

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

You wouldn't get married as a monogamous person after knowing someone a few months nad going head over heels...

Sure you would. OK, not you, but plenty of people do. People jump into serious relationships all the time.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MiHippiechic,

Perhaps the thing to tell your husband is that it warms your heart when you see him and this new woman together. Like you love how she treats him, understands him, misses him, loves him. Like you are happy for him to have more love in his life. Does that make sense? What you are experiencing is called *compersion.* It is like the opposite of jealousy. What your husband is struggling with is maybe the idea that he doesn't have to be jealous, he can be just the opposite. I think that society programs us to believe that we're *supposed* to feel jealous when our spouse has feelings with someone else, like jealousy is the *healthy* way to feel. This may explain why your husband is feeling so awkward, because this all goes against his programming, YKWIM? People are not supposed to fall in love with each other in groups of three, they aren't supposed to be happy together in groups of three, right? Polyamory is such a new idea.

I imagine it is extra hard for your husband when he is alone for two weeks on the road, and you and the new woman get to spend a couple of hours together each day. He is not just feeling jealous, he is feeling envious. He wishes he had what you had. I think you are just engaged in a process. He won't instantly feel okay about things, it will take time for him to get used to it. To adjust, to figure out ways to cope with the difficult spots. Keep talking to your husband, but also be patient with him. He won't wrap his mind around this overnight.

Now having said that, I just want to say that I am happy for you that you have found such a wonderful person to bring into your life. It's not guaranteed that this will evolve into a happy triad, but I am hopeful that it will. Keep us posted going forward, and we will offer you updated feedback and advice. Enjoy the good feelings you are having!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MiHippieChic]

Thank you all for your responses. You are all right, it is a process. It's found it's way into every conversation we've had in the last week.

Sorry ahead of time, I'm new to forums and when I think I have the formatting down I don't... Still trying to figure out how to quote ppl. And I'm on my phone.

So anyways, Kevin, I did tell him all of this, but honestly when I read him your post he understood more, and thank you. I honestly didn't know there was a word defining how I feel, so thank you again. For whatever reason it helps to have that defining word.
To update you a little - things are going well on my end and his, but in her life outside of us she's had issues, as well as her dad in town, and we haven't communicated as much as usual. She has anxiety issues, and I helped her through them a few days ago, even got her out of the house. Now, coming from me (I'm so used to my hubby being gone that when he is yes, I miss him, but it's still life as usual) this is weird, but I didn't see her yesterday or yet today and I miss her like crazy. I know, it's the NRE. But still, that kinda feeling for me is new, and all part of the process I guess.

Galagirl and Vicki - you guys make very good points. I guess this is fast. And it scares me a little tbh. Because, even before the relationship started, the friendship was close, deep, honest, and open. I do know an awful lot about her and her past, and I have shared as much with her. I guess when we say equal (I was reading these to my hubby and we discussed them) we more mean... To quote him "I can't do something for her and not you or vice versa, " and we don't want to do anything to make her feel like the "third wheel". Again, this is all very new to all three of us. To me, it feels like it was meant to be like this all along... I know. NRE. But even as friends we were amazing together. My fear is just that I'll somehow screw it up. (Self doubt, that BS).
Vicki, I like how you compared the two relationships. Hubs and I get that. I guess it's more that "3rd wheel" thing.

Galagirl, sry about the formatting. I really do try. Total noob and on my phone to boot. . And you are correct, I keep saying I just wanna hurry thru the beginning and get to the everyday part. Cuz I will be 100% honest in saying I am fully aware part of this is NRE, and I am trying to enjoy it. I'm at the "I gotta spoil the crap out of her in every way just so she knows she's loved" part lol. I'm baking her cupcakes cookies... little Hallmark cards n stuffed animals with my perfume on it. I'm not usually a girly type girl - I'm feminine, yes, but covered in tattoos. I'm a mom of two very crazy boys. I'm far from girly. I can't wait to be over this mushy (excuse my language) shit. But I'm enjoying it at the same time. Weird.

Vicki - the only reason I can say that I know she would never come between us is because during our friendship she would do little things to make sure we were happy together. Hard to explain... but like when I'd get annoyed with him constantly calling and wanting to stay otp on speaker for awhile when I was trying to just kinda chill, she would remind me that he is gone more than he's home, and that's just his way of trying to be more included. She would always be happy when he'd call and do that when we were together, other friends would complain. Little things like that. She seems to make us stronger in a small way.

Anyways... Wow I just sat here and tapped all that out.

Thanks again everyone, if I missed your reply, sorry this is not easy on my phone.

~ Erin

 

[kdt26417]

Hey Erin,

I think it's awesome that you invited her to join you as an equal ... So many unicorn hunters want to keep their marital dyad superior and make the other person a "third." Which is exactly why many MFF triads don't work out. When I read "equal," I take it to mean that you aren't just going to tell her how things are going to be, you're going to give her an equal say and make her part of the discussions. And, you won't just treat her as a toy, you'll treat her as a real human with wants and needs of her own.

Honestly, to me it sounds like so far you've been doing things the right way ... It is hard to start off on the poly path when you're totally new to it, there are so many mistakes you could make and you don't have a road map. Interacting with the various members on this forum is actually one of the smartest things you can do, you can get context-sensitive feedback and advice here, and learn about poly and how it works as you go along. So keep doing that.

Sincerely and with regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MiHippieChic]

Thank you so much. You took it the exact way I mean it. She has equal say, and she is far from our toy. I want to make sure she knows that in every way.

[/B]

Hey Erin,

I think it's awesome that you invited her to join you as an equal ... So many unicorn hunters want to keep their marital dyad superior and make the other person a "third." Which is exactly why many MFF triads don't work out. When I read "equal," I take it to mean that you aren't just going to tell her how things are going to be, you're going to give her an equal say and make her part of the discussions. And, you won't just treat her as a toy, you'll treat her as a real human with wants and needs of her own.

Honestly, to me it sounds like so far you've been doing things the right way ... It is hard to start off on the poly path when you're totally new to it, there are so many mistakes you could make and you don't have a road map. Interacting with the various members on this forum is actually one of the smartest things you can do, you can get context-sensitive feedback and advice here, and learn about poly and how it works as you go along. So keep doing that.

Sincerely and with regards,
Kevin T.

 

[kdt26417]

Makes sense to me.

 

[MiHippieChic]

Thank you so much. You took it the exact way I mean it. She has equal say, and she is far from our toy. I want to make sure she knows that in every way.

Thanks for the encouragement too. Good to know we seem to be starting off right.

[/B]

Hey Erin,

I think it's awesome that you invited her to join you as an equal ... So many unicorn hunters want to keep their marital dyad superior and make the other person a "third." Which is exactly why many MFF triads don't work out. When I read "equal," I take it to mean that you aren't just going to tell her how things are going to be, you're going to give her an equal say and make her part of the discussions. And, you won't just treat her as a toy, you'll treat her as a real human with wants and needs of her own.

Honestly, to me it sounds like so far you've been doing things the right way ... It is hard to start off on the poly path when you're totally new to it, there are so many mistakes you could make and you don't have a road map. Interacting with the various members on this forum is actually one of the smartest things you can do, you can get context-sensitive feedback and advice here, and learn about poly and how it works as you go along. So keep doing that.

Sincerely and with regards,
Kevin T.

 

[kdt26417]

Of course, there's never a guarantee that everything will work out right, but that's love, love is always a risk. Just do the best you can and take it one little step at a time. So far so good!

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to the forum from another bi hippy chick!

Hello everyone, I'm new... To explain....

I'm a 39 year old, bisexual woman... I've had relationships with other women before, most of the time shallow and sexual. Once before, even a few feelings but never that head over heels... way I had felt about men.
I was always physically more attracted to women, and emotionally, to men...

It's funny, I feel kind of the opposite way. I feel more physically attracted to men, and more emotionally connected to women. I just love the look and feel of a man, the beard, the muscles, the deeper voice, the smell of testosterone, the eager cock. But men are more like children to me emotionally, more tone deaf about emotions, more of a spotlight mentality instead of a floodlight. More of a dog, happy, horny, while women are more feline, thoughtful, nuanced.

Even before I was aware of my sexual feelings for women, I've always related so lovingly to women. I find them beautiful and sexy, but it's the depth of emotion and shared experience as a class of people (victims of the patriarchy) where I find the most reward.

I married one of my best friends... a man. He knew my sexuality, while I was figuring it out. We both were in agreement of how we saw marriage: committed. Two people. This never meant I was giving up a part of me... We have been married 14 years.

A few months ago, through my oldest son (we have 2 boys, 11 and 14), we met the most amazing woman I've ever met... She has two boys, roughly the same age as ours.

As our families got to know each other, we all got closer. Me and her first. But honestly, one thing that made me really fall for her was how she acted toward and treated my husband. She inherently understood him. She and I click in a beautiful way, but the three of us, I mean, wow.

And all 7 of us (kids included) have become a family. I'm not sure when exactly it happened for her, but we both got little crushes on each other...

A month or so ago ago hubby n I had a talk... We have always been honest about everything with each other. He came up with the idea for the three of us to get a sitter, then go to dinner, get drunk, and stay at a hotel for the night...

I'm sure you know, on some level, attempting something like beginning polamory while drunk is not the most careful way to proceed! (But it sounds like you got lucky and it worked out.) Did he want you all to be drunk to make it easier to get to fucking? Did you discuss whether being not sober when attempting something like a triad sex scene was the best idea? What if someone did something they wouldn't normally do, and regretted it when sober? Or worse, regretted it while still drunk, and irrational, and it all escalated to a big fight in the hotel room? Eek!

After lots of conversation between the three of us, I'm sure you can guess what happened.

Well no, I couldn't have guessed. Because I don't know how valid drunken horny talking would be... But I guess you did have satisfying threeway sex, somehow! Was it the first time any of you did a FMF threeway?

Before the physical part, I had certain views. I never thought I'd be ok with anyone... alone with my hubby... I still don't understand why it changed...

Maybe because, as mentioned below, jealousy, while it seems a default aspect of "true love," is really a culturally learned behavior? Also, I found I learned a lot about "love" from being a mother, adding to what I knew of love from teen or adult relationships. Being a mom teaches you patience, and about how to share, and care, and give, and have vicarious pleasure seeing your child love the other parent, the sibling, the aunt, grandparent, teacher, etc. Without jealousy.

After the physical, and so far there was that one night (literally only a week and a half ago), all of our feelings for each other have gotten deeper.

Sex often makes me feel more attached. I don't know if drunken sex would make me feel more attached, but then, I don't enjoy being drunk. Hippy me prefers weed, after all.

I want to state now that this women would never try to get between him and me. Ever. And I have seen in their faces them both wrestling [with] their [feelings] for each other, a fact that makes me love them both so much more.

My hubby is an over the road trucker, and he had to leave for two weeks last Sunday. She rushed over for dinner with us before he left (he stayed a day later than he thought). I watched her hug him goodbye (I've been searching for negative feelings in myself constantly in this whole thing), whisper for him to be safe, and my heart just swelled.

There's one more person to miss him, pray for him, love him. Good, he deserves that.

Top that off with the fact that these are the 2 adults I love most in this world, my head was in the clouds. No shred of negativity.

He and I decided to invite her into our marriage as an equal.

I'm guessing she doesn't have another partner? When you say equal, I see you mentioned treating her as a full human being. Of course, she's not "in your marriage." She's your gf, she's his gf. You're friends, and now you're "dating." Dating is a time for seeing if you (plural, or even just singular) are fully compatible with this person. You're not even engaged to her, much less married to her. You've only had sex once!!

Maybe you will end up being deeply compatible with her. Maybe you won't. Maybe she will be only somewhat compatible with you, once the NRE wears off, but deeply compatible with your husband. Etc.

A triad is 3 Vs stacked up.

You+her
You+hubby
Her+hubby

Then on top of 3 Vs, there is the threesome. It's very very complicated.

So far, so good. I hope all 3 of you continue to be fully compatible and full of compersion. But you can't marry this woman legally in the Western world. So if this is to be an equal triad, or even a V (if one of the relationships doesn't continue to be romantic/sexual), you will have to make extra legal and financial arrangements for this to be really equal, and protective of her rights and her sons' safety.

My mind is not changed, and for some reason I have zero hesitations... However, while he's not changing his mind, I worry my hubby is getting jealous. See right now, she's here, and he's not in town. I've seen her for a couple hours each day, but he's been on the road... but we're in constant contact via phone.

When he and I are talking about his and her hesitations with their feelings for each other, I tell him it will take time, because they both gotta get over that feeling that they're betraying me. He asks me how I can be just all ok and not awkward so quick...

Not awkward???? Lol first woman I've been with in over 16 years. First person other than him in that long. She's also the first woman I've ever loved like this.

Funny thing is, I feel like this largely because of how she has been with my husband, how understanding of him and our relationship. Also, if you're bi I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say it's a different love... And it seems she just makes us... Stronger...

After being married, I thought my "dating" days were over. I never... thought I'd feel like this toward someone other than him. And I never thought I'd be ok with, let alone want and encourage my husband to be with another woman. How can I help him better understand my point of view?

Could you pick out nicknames for your hubby and your gf (as our Guidelines request), other than "hubby" (which defines him by his relationship to you), and "her," which isn't specific enough for clarity and respect. It also makes it easier for members to comment. Thanks!

 

[Magdlyn]

I looked at your Intro thread. So the gf is Moonshine. What should we call your guy, other than hubby?

So, since he left on his latest trip, you and Moonshine have "kissed and groped," but not "had sex."

As part lesbian, I consider kissing and groping (touching boobs and pussy and ass), sex. You don't?

Maybe you haven't penetrated each other, or done oral? Is that the line?

Have you just not been in the mood for more activities, or are you (or Moonshine) holding back because hubby isn't there? Did he request you and Moonshine not "have sex" while he's away?

Do you plan to all consent to one on one sex? You and hubby, you and Moonshine, hubby and Moonshine? Or is all "sex" (however you agree to define that) now to be only between the 3 of you?

Sometimes newly Open couples still have one on one sex, while not consenting to the new person's ability to have one on one sex with either of the established couple.

...Just one more thing to consider in a triad that is trying for "equality."

 

[MiHippieChic]

Hey there! U can call hubby J. Our nickname for him is jer bear, but j is good too. So... To try to answer your questions...

The week leading up to our night out, we had discussed some things. Like me asking her, "2 hotel rooms or 1?" And "There's a whirlpool there, u can bring your bathing suit if you want," etc. Basically, we all were planning it ahead if time without actually admitting it to each other out right. To give way too many details

~~ plz don't read below here if you're not comfortable reading details ~~

We had a good dinner. Went to Meijer for alcohol and snacks. J (tall, bald, tattooed truck driver) put some colorful reindeer antlers on, walked around the store and made us laugh. We went back to the hotel, started drinking and playing cards against humanity. Decided to get in the whirlpool. So I say, "let me get my suit" (honestly to make sure her mind was where mine was) and she tells me she forgot hers. So I say no prob, I'm awesome with being naked. We take our clothes off (j sitting there acting like he's not looking) and get in the heart shaped tub. So we are chilling, talking, etc. We tell j to strip and get in. I'm on his lap, she's next to us, and he all sly like starts playing with her amazing nipples. He asks if it's ok. She says it's more than ok. Then we stopped. Her and I get out, get towels on, and sit on the edge of the tub. We all talk about what's about to happen. Yes, we were drunk, but not like incoherent. We all still had our heads. At that point, we all agreed that that night was a no strings, just sex night. Moon kissed me for the first time. It was amazing and beautiful. After it stopped, she stands up and says "holy shit I just kissed Erin!" Lol. Moon and me then went outside, had a cigarette, and talked more. Boundaries, whats coming, how will I feel if, etc. Then we went in, got naked again, and went to the bed.
To start it was kind of awkward. This was mine and J's first threesome of any kind. So we all kinda said, where do we start? (Fun fact: j and me, in the last 2 years, have been sort of into BDSM but only in the bedroom. I'm a total submissive..). So Moon and I told j to tell us what to do... He apparently just blanked. So, to my own surprise, (I had been lusting after her for a lil bit tho) I took control. I kissed her all over, and went down on her until she squeezed my head with her thighs and moaned so loud. Meanwhile she's giving j a hand job, and he's whispering in her ear asking how much she's enjoying what I'm doing... After she came, I got on my back and she did the same to me. J was eating her while she was eating me. Then he started fucking her doggy style while she was kissing and eating me. After he came, yes, it was over. Sadly lol. But it was amazing. The drunk didn't matter, we had all been thinking of this for weeks before. The alcohol only helped us get past our learned inhibitions enough to do what we wanted to do. The sex ended up being way more than just sex. It was tender, caring, loving. We ended up sharing more than just our bodies.

As for what I mean by kiss and grope: short kisses, no tongue. Butt grabs. Long hugs. Cuddles on the couch when we're chilling with the kids. Innocent things, kinda.

We have been in the mood, it's been more lack of opportunity. We both have two boys each. Hers are 7 and 13. They love me, always have. When I go there, they don't leave us alone. Top it off, she is originally from Alaska. Her dad still works there, so like he's here 10 days at a time, then goes back to Alaska for a couple weeks. He's been in town so she's had a lot of family commitments. I (hope, long as dad doesn't need her) to finally get her here tonight for dinner, cuz we have 2 Xboxes and it's incredibly easy to distract the kids and lock ourselves in my bedroom. Plus, the dogs keep the kids busy too lol. But we are both missing the physical. She asked me for nekkid pics lol.

We have already consented and talked about the one on one sex, and all of us are great with it. Tbh, I get kinda horny thinking about them together. But, we both are seriously looking forward to when j gets home Saturday. *Wink wink*

And I am in agreement with you on one thing - I'd rather be high than drunk... Which is why I was also vaping thc juice the whole night... (Yes, that is why my name is what it is, I'm a functional hippie lol who smokes daily and still can be responsible.. sry hate the negative stigma attached to everyday smokers). But being as high is more natural to me than even being sober, the alcohol did help my awkwardness...

No, Moon does not have another partner. It's just us three and our kids. Her kids dad died a couple years ago. As for defining it... After posting here, reading through things, and talking to j...
I asked him this morning.. "are we dating her, or are we basically proposing to her, like getting engaged to her?". His answer was that we are proposing to her. So I brought up rings. Now I get to pick one out for her, but I kind of got this idea that we could each get 3 small bands to symbolize our triad. Still tossing that idea around. Legally, yes, we will have to figure it out, but I do know an ordained person who would gladly symbolically marry us.

So basically, yes, there was alcohol involved, but it wasn't exactly what I'd call drunken sex. It was talked about and dissected weeks before it happened. When the foreplay began, we basically let her lead us, because going in me and J's primary concern was her comfort. Because we didn't want to do something to ruin the friendship.

I realize there is NRE involved... But I also have learned how to step outside myself and be rational in emotional times. (I've had to learn this, I'm very emotional lol and very empathetic). I know this girl well enough to know that it wasn't the sex that made me love her. That just brought the three of us closer. It was all of her, who she is, what she's been through, her strength, weaknesses...

I've been educating myself as much as possible, and so has j, just so we can make this work. I'm here for that reason. I'm not usually an internet person. These responses take me like 30 mins to type from my phone. It's worth it though. Any insight and help is good. We are willing to do anything to make sure it works. We understand that what we have is rare - way before internet searches it was just an inherent feeling. I will do anything to hold onto it, and foster a healthy triad. I, we, know it will be far from easy. It will take work and compromise... But any relationship worth having does.

Magdlyn, thank you so much for the feedback. It is great to meet you, fellow hippie.

I looked at your Intro thread. So the gf is Moonshine. What should we call your guy, other than hubby?

So, since he left on his latest trip, you and Moonshine have "kissed and groped," but not "had sex."

As part lesbian, I consider kissing and groping (touching boobs and pussy and ass), sex. You don't?

Maybe you haven't penetrated each other, or done oral? Is that the line?

Have you just not been in the mood for more activities, or are you (or Moonshine) holding back because hubby isn't there? Did he request you and Moonshine not "have sex" while he's away?

Do you plan to all consent to one on one sex? You and hubby, you and Moonshine, hubby and Moonshine? Or is all "sex" (however you agree to define that) now to be only between the 3 of you?

Sometimes newly Open couples still have one on one sex, while not consenting to the new person's ability to have one on one sex with either of the established couple.

...Just one more thing to consider in a triad that is trying for "equality."

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Erin,

Thanks for sharing more of your story, it sounds like the three of you have a natural vibe with each other, your night at the hotel was awesome. Continue to talk with each other, I'm sure the talking will be easier/more natural when Jer Bear gets home.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

OK, JerBear it is. We ask for names rather than initials too. Much easier to remember. Unless you call him Jay, as in weed lol. That's a word not a letter.

Anyway!

So you and JerBear have known Moonshine for just a few months. But you all 3 get along so great, and your kids get along so great, you've decided to get engaged. Some people do this, in mono relationships too.

NRE lasts, usually, 6-18 months. So you're in the early stages of NRE still. The general feeling is, it takes about 12 months for most people's NRE to start to wear off. That's when you've probably been through some struggles together and seen each other's true character under duress, etc. You're no longer idealizing them in the first rush of discovery.

Also, I see there was more planning and innuendo before the 3way sex night than I first understood. Although you all didn't say, this is going to be a sex night, ahead of time, it was understood there would be a shared room with a heart shaped tub! And Moonshine just happened to forget her bathing suit! And you and JerBear just happened to not mind if everyone was naked!

I hope you 3 are deeply compatible and things still keeping going great.

Maybe don't rush the wedding and the moving in together bit. By the end of the school year, in 2019, you'll have all been together a year? Then make more changes if all is still well?