I’m 39f new to this looking for help

[2arebetterthan1]

I’m married to a monogamist husband, but this is a lifestyle that really suits me and I have a boyfriend that my husband is aware of, and I recently found another boyfriend that is accepting of me being married and having the other boyfriend, my husband however isn’t totally on board with how I’m living and doesn’t agree with me having boyfriends that I frequently stay the night with, I didn’t give him much choice when I told him this is what I wanted and it’s like he’s having a hard time sharing me

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I didn’t give him much choice when I told him this is what I wanted and it’s like he’s having a hard time sharing me[/QUOTE"

Interesting how you are shifting the character deficiency to your husband ("It's like he has a hard time sharing me.") from you admittedly bulldozing your husband over to get your way.

Ethical poly requires a joyous "yes" from all those involved. This is NOT your husband. What efforts have you made to help him to feel more secure in your relationship? You already have two other people involved in this mess, and their hearts are on the line as well.

Others will be along who have more practical advice, but I can tell you right now that you have not gone into this ethically.

 

[2arebetterthan1]

This is exactly what I’m needing

Because I do feel like I’ve gone about it in the wrong way and I do want him to feel comfortable in this too, I just don’t know how I’m afraid I’ve ruined it already

 

[Inaniel]

Give your husband some choice, power, and respect in the relationship. Or leave him and begin new relationships on your new terms.

 

[GalaGirl]

my husband however isn’t totally on board with how I’m living and doesn’t agree with me having boyfriends that I frequently stay the night with.

Is it a total deal breaker for him? He prefers monogamy? If so... why's he still in this? Does he think you will change your mind?

Is this not a total deal breaker but more the SPEED or FREQUENCY? Like willing to go there, even do mono-poly where it is closed on his side and open on yours. Even be ok with sleepovers. But he's annoyed that you are like "kid in a candy store" about your poly dating or you are gone EVERY night so he's married to a ghost spouse or something?

That would be two different things.

I didn’t give him much choice when I told him this is what I wanted.

That's not a nice way to treat people. If if was like "We do this or I end it" -- why not just end it?

Cuz it sounds like it changed for you after marriage. So if you guys made one kind of marriage vow and it was over... why drag it out while kinda railroading him?

And it’s like he’s having a hard time sharing me.

Again... because he wants monogamy only? And this is entirely the wrong relationship shape for him?

Or the shape could be ok, but the SPEED bothers him. Because too many changes too fast, maybe you taking him for granted, poly hell stuff?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Because I do feel like I’ve gone about it in the wrong way and I do want him to feel comfortable in this too,

Have you apologized for how you went about it?

Have you asked him if feels comfortable participating here like this?
Or if he needs changes like you slowing down?
Or he needs changes like him bowing out of this polyamorous network and not participating any more?

I just don’t know how I’m afraid I’ve ruined it already

The "I know how" comes from TALKING with your husband and LISTENING to his point of view and what he might want or need from marriage/relationships. You need more information before you can know what to do next.

If it's already ruined? Talking isn't gonna ruin it further. It's ruined already. You don't have anything to lose. May as well talk plain than drag it out.

You MIGHT have something to gain through honest talking even if it is hard -- greater understanding, finding a way to salvage this, finding a way to part ways decently to make up for the railroading him etc.

So I encourage you to ask your husband where he stands. Does he still wants to be married and work something out? Or if the conversation needs to change to parting ways as peacefully as possible. So you can be free TO poly, and he is free FROM poly.

I don't know if this helps you guys talk any if you decide to try again with the poly thing and husband still being in your network.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Lemons_and_Lemonade_-_Poly_Mono_Relationships.pdf

If he's just done and wants a divorce? You cannot MAKE him stay. Best to part ways as peacefully as possible.

Galagirl

 

[2arebetterthan1]

Yes I’ve apologized

And I’m going to work on things with him this has been enlightening for me thank you for your time and input

 

[MayDecember]

Because I do feel like I’ve gone about it in the wrong way and I do want him to feel comfortable in this too, I just don’t know how I’m afraid I’ve ruined it already

You did, and there is no turning back the clock.

Often people put themselves in an impossible situation and then hope for the magic answer.

Trust can take a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy. It isn't just spending the night with other people against his wishes. It is the fact you will act without regard to his feelings. Once you have established you cannot be trusted, there is no point in negotiating with you. Because what you want is for him to conform to your whims.

The defense offered for the new guy is that the new guy is cool with boffing you. Well duh. Sounds like responsibility-free sex to me. Do squirrels like nuts?

Have you done the Adverse Childhood Experiences checklist? As I get older I really start seeing how important this is to our life's issues.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello 2arebetterthan1,

Some people are hardwired for mono/mono relationships. And that does not make them bad people. If your husband is hardwired for a mono/mono relationship, it will not be possible to convince him to change, and the onus is not on him to change, it is okay for him to be a hardwired mono/mono person. When you talk to him, ask him whether a mono/poly marriage is something he might be okay with in the future. If he says no, then you have a different kind of problem. You would either need to break up with your boyfriends, and be mono with your husband, or, you would need to divorce your husband so that you could be poly. It would depend on whether you could stand to live monogamously. If you can't, and he can't stand to have a polyamorous wife, then the two of you need to split up. Not a happy thought, but that might be the reality of the situation.

Keep talking with your husband. Find out whether the two of you are compatible.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[2arebetterthan1]

Adverse Childhood experience checklist??

You did, and there is no turning back the clock.

Often people put themselves in an impossible situation and then hope for the magic answer.

Trust can take a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy. It isn't just spending the night with other people against his wishes. It is the fact you will act without regard to his feelings. Once you have established you cannot be trusted, there is no point in negotiating with you. Because what you want is for him to conform to your whims.

The defense offered for the new guy is that the new guy is cool with boffing you. Well duh. Sounds like responsibility-free sex to me. Do squirrels like nuts?

Have you done the Adverse Childhood Experiences checklist? As I get older I really start seeing how important this is to our life's issues.

I’m not sure what this is, but if it’s referring to something that happened in my childhood, I lost my virginity to an older guy on my 11th birthday, I’m not sure if this is what you mean??

 

[2arebetterthan1]

Thank you Kevin

Hello 2arebetterthan1,

Some people are hardwired for mono/mono relationships. And that does not make them bad people. If your husband is hardwired for a mono/mono relationship, it will not be possible to convince him to change, and the onus is not on him to change, it is okay for him to be a hardwired mono/mono person. When you talk to him, ask him whether a mono/poly marriage is something he might be okay with in the future. If he says no, then you have a different kind of problem. You would either need to break up with your boyfriends, and be mono with your husband, or, you would need to divorce your husband so that you could be poly. It would depend on whether you could stand to live monogamously. If you can't, and he can't stand to have a polyamorous wife, then the two of you need to split up. Not a happy thought, but that might be the reality of the situation.

Keep talking with your husband. Find out whether the two of you are compatible.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

I apologize I’ve been busy at work all day but I definitely am going to be discussing it with him, he’s always been the one to basically run the relationship over the years past, and I hate that I acted out like a child for something that I wanted for myself more than anything, I decided for myself , this is who I was and basically oh well not caring about anyone else here,, I’m going to try to make this right and we’ve been talking a lot today about it all so hopefully we can come to a resolution that doesn’t end in divorce, he said he definitely doesn’t want that to happen to us and neither do I, thanks again for the advice

 

[Magdlyn]

I apologize I’ve been busy at work all day but I definitely am going to be discussing it with him, he’s always been the one to basically run the relationship over the years past, and I hate that I acted out like a child for something that I wanted for myself more than anything, I decided for myself , this is who I was and basically oh well not caring about anyone else here,, I’m going to try to make this right and we’ve been talking a lot today about it all so hopefully we can come to a resolution that doesn’t end in divorce, he said he definitely doesn’t want that to happen to us and neither do I, thanks again for the advice

You're going to need to work hard to salvage this.

So, he ran the relationship for a while, and you held in your objections, and finally rebelled and went and got two boyfriends as a gesture of independence, or defiance?

Just went and did it to give a good old "fuck you" to your formerly domineering husband? 2 boyfriends, and you sleep at their places "frequently?"

Y'all have some problems for sure. If you want a more egalitarian relationship, you probably need counseling. A third party's views would help. Find one that is knowledgable about alternative sexualities and relationships, if possible.

Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. You are basically just cheating in plain sight. Poly is having a romantic (usually sexual) relationship with more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of all. And that's a "joyous yes" consent, not a grudging, "oh whatever, stop pressuring me," consent.

Healthy polyamorous practices include open and honest communication, respect, safer sex, and careful scheduling that reflects the needs of all (including the needs of minor children, if any). Also agreements about finances needed to date, and other incidentals like that.

 

[MayDecember]

I’m not sure what this is, but if it’s referring to something that happened in my childhood, I lost my virginity to an older guy on my 11th birthday, I’m not sure if this is what you mean??

If you simply google "Adverse Childhood Experiences Test", you'll find it. I am a 5.

I know you already have one, lol. But the more of these difficult issues you face in childhood such as alcoholism or a family member in jail or abandonment or abuse of various sorts...

Then you develop "skills" to cope with dysfunctional people, and that turns out not to be useful in establishing loving relationships.

God help us we so often imprint on the wrong things. I did so myself. I distinctly remember the warm feeling of familiarity washing over me as a female hurled abuse at me, and thinking yeah - that's the one I should marry, lol.

When we don't have that self-knowledge we are unconcsiously compelled to make decisions that go against our interests. Well golly, it turns out that people who have all these problems in common as children end up having issues as adults unless they take an active role intervening with themselves.

Whether you were poly or not doesn't matter to me in principle. What if you decided to move to the beach and surf - drop everything you were doing and pursue your real dream, to self-actualize and make jade carvings with tools from the 14th Century...join a convent, whatever.

You'd be telling us your significant other really isn't on board, especially now that he has to be a vegan too - it's unsettling to a life partner. Like suddenly they don't know you, how brazen...

Put yourself in his shoes hon, I would like to be fair to you and not over-state the case but it is terrifying to feel the loss of control he feels. I know, I've been there. I gave an ultimatim, it was not acceeded to, and I filed for divorce. Good riddance.

I think it took my wife and I three years to finally deploy the poly experiment and there were a lot of half-measures along the way. Re-assessment. Forward planning. Working together, reading, and trying to act with a clear set of rules.

You at least sound worried, so the signs of psychopathy simply aren't there and I have to rule you have a heart. You have a long journey ahead no matter what and I am big on self-knowledge, which begins with how we developed through childhood into adults.

 

[2arebetterthan1]

Thank y’all for the time you’ve put into helping me out

I agree with what all of you have said, I knew what I was doing was wrong at first then I started convincing myself that this is what I needed and wanted more than anything, but I’m realizing how wrong I was so I plan on getting it right and seeking counseling thanks again to you all