I think I am causing everyone pain

Glad you are on your own and he's gone. And that you see that his behavior was abusive and NOT your doing.

It stinks to have to pay for divorce yourself and clean the house after he leaves a big mess behind, but in comparison to staying in contact and then MORE shenanigans coming?

Ugh. Just shoo! No more entanglements. No more nothing.

You might want to change the locks anyway in case he has kept a copy of key. And check computers/devices/important papers etc in case he left spyware or screwed anything up of yours.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
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He wrote to a friend that he is trying to go to therapy in the States, hoping he can come back and go to therapy together and save our relationship. That he panicked because of his trauma and now he cannot tell me because I blocked him everywhere.

AHAHHAHAHAHA, nice one, Mr. Hoover! Seriously, I laughed with voice reading this... Just made a screenshot, sent it to new supply without any comment. I do not talk to her, I have me to take care of, as GG said but just wanted to let her know wtf he is doing because she probably doesn't.

My friend just told him to not cross lines and that if he has to respect my decisions, if he does not want to give me divorce, that is violence.
WOW, he is like... a narc, a textbook example of one.
 
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WOW, he is like... a narc, a textbook example of one.
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Glad you see that.

Do not contact his new person. Not even to warn her. Because it connects you to him and I don't think you want ANY ties at ALL with him any more. Nor giving him ideas you still care what he does.

Galagirl
 
sabrina8 said:
I'm sitting here, finally in my own place. He finally left and he left a mess. I was cleaning the house all day, not being able to believe that this is over, wow. He left telling me that he did not want to go but he had no choice, I made him. God damn right I did! I am super grateful it is over because I am safe now, emotionally and physically.

I can get FOR SURE now get to the no contact at all thing finally because he does not live in my house. Oh, and he signed so I can get divorced without him. I had to find money for that myself because he refused to pay. He refused, then before he went offered me to leave his bank card. I just said no.

He builds me up, then he tears me down. It had been like this for a long time now. I found out why what happened, happened. It is called narcissistic abuse, and at first I was reluctant to recognize it or call it that. Never saw such a refined (educated about psychological issues too!) manipulator.

A BIG THANK YOU to this forum and its people to helping me through it, helping me see so I can go on my way of healing from this. :) Special hugs to Magdlyn and GalaGirl and Kevin!
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You're welcome! GG was the one who made me aware my one ex was a narcissist and using me for "supply." I'm glad we were able to point out what was going on for you. It's really hard to see when you're in the thick of it, being gaslighted, manipulated, kept guessing and off balance, complimented one minute and abused the next.

GalaGirl said:
Glad you are on your own and he's gone. And that you see that his behavior was abusive and NOT your doing.

It stinks to have to pay for divorce yourself and clean the house after he leaves a big mess behind, but in comparison to staying in contact and then MORE shenanigans coming?

Ugh...
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sabrina8 said:
He wrote to a friend that he is trying to go to therapy in the States, hoping he can come back and go to therapy together and save our relationship. That he panicked because of his trauma and now he cannot tell me because I blocked him everywhere.

AHAHHAHAHAHA, nice one, Mr. Hoover!

WOW, he is like... a narc, a textbook example of one.
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Good thing we have internet and lists of narc behaviors so we can rid ourselves of these kinds of partners! Narcs never get therapy and so this pattern of abuse wouldn't be found out in couples therapy.

You're lucky you got out with relatively little damage. No kids to deal with. I just was chatting online with a woman whose narc had bankrupted 6 wives before he got to her, and having impregnated all the women, turned all their children against all the mothers too!! :eek: She lost the love of her kids, but he didn't bleed out her bank account before she got out of the relationship.
 
You certainly got beaten down, then were allowed to recover just enough to kick in the stomach again.

Keeping the target disoriented, confused, not knowing what to expect... this wears you down to a frazzle. Makes you easier to manipulate.

I lived with it. I made a lot of money then too, more than I ever had in life and I was miserable. Now I have great relationships and I make about 1/3 the money. It is sooo much better to be in productive, loving relationships.

Good luck, and just do not let this guy wheedle his way back in.
 
Well, if he really wanted to be with me, he would have stayed and worked it through. What he did is humiliate me, escape and then suggest what I had suggested for us before - doing therapy together etc. So really fuck him!

These days I started recalling some really petty fights (when things were allegedly good) that he was inducing that were recurrent. I was in love and I would say, I don't care about petty fights or small things but I realize now the aim of these were to keep me focused on him. He was shouting a lot, ever since the beginning, like he knows this makes me cry and feel uncomfortable, he had said numerous times he would not do it and he always did it again. What I realize, and my friends also confirm it, is that I ended a relationship with a narc (that almost killed me) and began a new one with another narc. When I look at photos of myself or recall how I was feeling - I was mostly feeling a bit drained and low for all this time. Seriously, I am blessed to not have had kids with this person (he has 2, one almost my age and another one he doesn't know the location of since last year, shady shady shit).

Really, going to work this autumn by myself was the first time in three years when I was happy for so long. I was in charge of myself. I was meeting great people, making friends and being my true self - laughing a lot, being the soul of the group and entertaining everyone...

I think me being drawn to other people so much was also a way for myself to somehow escape this relationship. Yet, as I have said before maybe - I really don't feel like I need a monogamous relationship after all this to be secure and happy. Despite the triangulation. I want the person I am with to be free to experience whatever they would like emotionally and sexually and I would do my best to support them in that and not be clingy. And yes - I fucking expect the same in return.

I am shifting the focus on myself now. I am doing great - pretty broke, almost had my electricity cut but hey! He is gone and that makes me feel so free and happy, this is the best present to me right now! I am passing all my exams with "Excellent"s, got 2 more to go that I will also not fail. For sure. IN SPITE OF ALL!

Sometimes, I do feel hooked, especially before going to bed. That's when I start thinking about having sex with B, ahahah. The rest of the time I try to focus on myself and what I am doing in my life, on who I am without a relationship.

One of the things that I really enjoy though is that now I can like B without any feelings of guilt. I do like him a lot as a person. He never love bombed me, said or induced situations that were "sentimental" or declared love or admiration. Yet, he was always super caring and sweet. He seems like a complete person, who is doing his own thing and does not need another person to entertain him. I find it funny how he once said he thinks he is boring and doesn't have anything to offer, I don't see it that way or feel that way at all about him. We'll see. I am visiting him in less than 2 months. I like him but I am looking out for red flags! Taking things super slow also, owning my life, no need for complications now.

Meanwhile, the trial will start soon, I am living a NORMAL life. Back to eating, thanks to period hormones! I had lost 5 kg, I am at the thinnest I can ever remember. Did not try to work out because in the past not eating + working out had proven to be catastrophic. One after another, working out is coming up these days. I have stopped smoking, I smoke only in high stress situations, which so far has been 2 deaths of friends and the shock of this past relationship. I am not super productive right now - mostly studying with a day or two breaks of watching series and just relaxing hard. But I just feel lighter, closing this big chapter of my life, having learned the lessons of two relationships. Moving on.

All thanks to you also, forumers! I knew this would be a great place to post and so far I do find it the best place to read, post and share.
Lots of love to you all!
 
Glad to hear things are going better for you. It definitely sounds like A was a problem person, not at all like B.
 
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