Struggling wife in Georgia

Trexboo

Trexboo

New member
Good evening, I am Trex, married to Jackson for 14 years. 4 years ago we opened our marriage to the swinging lifestyle. Time passes, fun is had, we agree to see people separately and then BAM about 16 months ago he falls in love. Tells me that he wants to love us both equally. I have studied, I have talked, I have liked it, found compersion, love watching him with her, but having to sit in the other room after they have "date night" and he is having sex with he in the spare bedroom is the most difficult thing to endure. I have been told to deal with it. He is not giving her up. It has lasted this long because I was sought out by someone who adds value to my life, tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel special. That lasted 9 months until he had to move away. I have felt more and more disdain for Jackson's relationship, since then. I don't like her as a person anymore, she drives me crazy and I think I am now just lonely when he leaves. I have stopped them from coming to my house when I am here, I can't deal with that anymore. But I would love to talk to another wife whose husband has a girlfriend to talk through the challenges of managing being in a parallel relationship.
Thank you for this forum!
 
Greetings Trex,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I hope you find the person you need on this forum, a wife whose husband has a girlfriend, we have many members and I think we have what you're looking for, hopefully they'll chime in on this thread, if not you can post on Poly Relationships Corner. Right now it sounds like your main struggle is that your husband has someone and you do not. That could change, you could find someone. Do you do OKCupid? That might help ...

Let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
I wouldn't be able to deal with Adam having the sexual part of any other relationship while I'm at home. We make a point of having other places to go or be if one of us is hosting someone at our home. It's simply a courtesy. I can see why it wore you down.

It can be lonely when your nesting partner is away. Although it's not for dates right now, Adam spends quite a few nights a month away and I guess it depends on the day how I feel about it. Sometimes I get lonely, but I will fill that time with writing a nice long email to my best friend, or texting with some other friend (best friend isn't a texter hence the email). I have netflix, youtube, good food, perhaps a few drinks, and let's be honest... some amusements in my top draw of my nightstand that I'm more than happy to use by myself.

I hope you're also getting date nights with your husband, so he can be a part of you feeling special and beautiful, too. Maybe talk with him about making some space for these in your own routines. Routine living can be hard, especially when you see your partner out having non-routine experiences.

I would anticipate that you're aware that your disdain for her is likely a reflection of your disgruntlement at your own circumstance. So, as trite as it sounds, the best focus is really about addressing that time you're spending by yourself. You want to feel beautiful... how about some youtube make up tutorials and a little bit of investment in some new products? Just an idea, you can learn pretty much anything online these days, what takes your fancy?

All the best
Evie
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Did the GF do something to make you not like her? Or are you placing your upset on her because really you are upset with Jackson and it is easier to put it on the newcomer?

having to sit in the other room after they have "date night" and he is having sex with he in the spare bedroom is the most difficult thing to endure. I have been told to deal with it. He is not giving her up. It has lasted this long because I was sought out by someone who adds value to my life, tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel special.
Click to expand...

That to me sounds like stuff Jackson is doing.

  • He has his other partner over a lot. It is his home too, he can have guests. But if he's overdoing it, can't some of their dates be at her place?
  • When you tell him you struggle, he tells you to "deal with it" rather than asking how he can help you or what behaviors he could adjust.
  • He tells you "he's not giving her up" rather than asking how he can help in the (you + Jackson) relationship.

I could be wrong. But you sound like you are being taken for granted. You are grieving a break up by yourself, and your relationship with Jackson is meh. He's not also dating you. So watching him put time and effort into dating his GF while neglecting you is rough.

And when you had a BF, it helped you feel valued because then someone at least was giving you courtship, attention, etc.

But the (BF + You) layer isn't how things are going in the (You + Jackson) layer. And maybe it sticks out more now that BF is gone?

Is that where you are at? Have you read poly hell? Any of that happening?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Galagirl
 
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Thank you

Evie - Yes, I realize I have resentment with their relationship. I have pressed for them to go to her house. She is married and she won't ask her husband to "deal with it" so it doesn't happen unless he is out. I am working very hard right now to keep myself busy by taking care of myself and cultivating my other relationships to nurture the time I have alone. I have also invested again in some yoga classes. I gave them up a while ago and I know it will make me feel bette to get back to that.

GalaGirl - I have been reading your posts and appreciate your insight. I am struggling with the feelings of being taken advantage of, and of it just being my own paranoia. I don't get a lot of "what can I do to help you deal with this" conversation with Jackson, but I have started asserting myself more as to what I am comfortable with, as opposed to what he will just tell me he is going to do. For example - this Friday he asked what his parameters were for their night. I said that I didn't have any reason to make him come home and I made plans for myself Saturday morning, so I said he could have an overnight. Now, in the past that would have happened in my house, now he knows that means he has to get a hotel. And that's not out of our household money - it is his money. I feel like I have made progress, I just don't know how long he will continue to agree to do that. I will read the poly hell article and see....

Thank you!!
 
Hi Trexboo - and welcome to the Forum! I can relate to your story - even though I am the husband, initially my wife was the one with the additional partner. In fact, she had asked me to open our marriage so that she could explore her resurgent feelings for and old college boyfriend. Eventually, for purely altruistic reasons, I agreed for the sake of her happiness. I processed, read very extensively (books, web articles, this forum), listened to podcasts, etc.. and achieved a measure of success in changing my perspective and even a measure of true compersion (see full story in signature link below).

But, in all honesty, what truly made it ok was having a partner of my own - even though she sees her guy more than I see my lady (both are long distance, but my long distance is more so) - just the fact that I do have a partner with whom I am least occasionally intimate made a huge difference in me feeling consistently ok about her having another partner.

I understand that you were also in a relationship but he moved away - perhaps seeking out a new relationship might be helpful in dealing with your husband's other relationship.

Best of luck on resolving this issue - and your continuing journey. Al
 
Thank you

Hi Al,
Thank you for your insight, yes, I too did the acquiescing for the sake of my partner's happiness and you are right, it is easier when I have someone else to fill my gap. And recently I have struggled with this part more. I feel that Jackson fills me completely when I have his attention as I am not as needy as he is. So when I have made connections with other men, just because we are still around lifestyle people, I feel I may be unfair to them by just seeing them because I need to fill the space when Jackson is gone. I struggle with guilt of using them.
Something to continue to work on for certain.
Trex
 
Trexboo said:
I have been told to deal with it.
Click to expand...

Good day, Trexboo.

This is a little arbitrary, lol. As you are whacking him over the head with a 2 x 4 you can tell him cheerfully to deal with it too.

Speaking metaphorically, not literally.

Everyone is different, no two pairs of threes, fours, or whatever on this forum is exactly the same. But one pretty clear theme is that everyone has to be on board with the program, whatever it is.

Putting out clear boundaries and enforcing them is everyone's own responsibility. If we don't respect them, nobody else will. If you don't like them boffing in the next room, that seems like a pretty reasonable thing to me.

Building stud remnants are going to be $1 a foot at Home Depot or Lowes - any major chain - and that's reasonable too. Just to emphasize a point metaphorically.

You always feel good after enforcing a boundary. Walking Tall good.
 
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