Its over but I want to know how to go forward

P

puykcyt

New member
Hi all,
I recently ended a polyam relationship where I only had one partner ( I was under a lot of stress due to recently graduating from college and trying to find my "place" in the world) and decided I didnt want to continue dating other people.(I have been in a polyam relationship before that went fine, just fizzled out.) My ex gf was dating me as a primary and had a secondary bf.

Our issues started to begin when had a birthday party in which one of her friends that she had been involved with 2 years ago but was not currently dating was hostile toward me. It felt really odd to me as I didn't know they had ever been involved in that way but some part of me could tell that the friend's dislike for me was deeper than what it was being presented as. I asked my ex about it after the party and told her how the situation made me uncomfortable and she said she had no idea what that was about. A month later I go to a therapy appointment and asked my gf to pick me up bc my phone would die before I could call an uber. She said distinctly "I will come get you. I'll be on my way". Later I get a text saying "we're close" which being that I was fresh from therapy in an area of town I didnt know well I was feeling super vulnerable and not in the mood to deal with an unexpected guest. My ex arrives and its her and the friend from the party. Im now extra uncomfortable and the friend is making some attempt to be nice to me but I can still get a feeling that my presence is not wanted. I tell my ex about this and she says "yeah, they didn't want to come." I felt like my boundaries had been violated and told my ex and she stated she wouldn't do something like that again. I mention these weird actions with this friend again in December just bc it was part of the conversation we were having and my ex casually says "oh yeah we used to date". I'm irritated now bc I'm wondering why she didn't tell me in August and also angry bc I disregarded my intuition and trusted my gf bc it was the "right" thing to do. I ask her to set boundaries with her friend so that we don't have this problem again bc I feel that we would see each other eventually to which my gf agrees to do. Two weeks later, I'm venting to a friend that I don't talk to regularly about the whole situation to which my friend tells me that she knows more than what I was told as she used to live with my gf. I find out that during the conversation(with my ex) that was meant to fix things, I was lied to about the nature of their relationship again. I tell my ex to stop lying to me and that I don't trust her bc it didn't make sense to me to lie about a relationship with a friend. I never had issues with her boyfriend and never met him but I thought it was weird that when we first started dating she refered to him as her friend but I thought maybe their relationship changed over time.

Im not sure if my being upset about this all means Im somehow monogamous and jealous (which is how my ex was trying to portray it) or if I was just dating a liar and this isn't how poly works. Is there a way I can prevent this type of behavior in future relationships or should I hang my coat on having multiple partners?
 
Please edit or re-post to include names (fake names!) for all of the partners, girlfriends, exes, boyfriends, and friends. I’m not sure if you’re talking about four people, or six. Eight?
 
First of all you cannot make boundries for other people to follow. It just doesn't work. You can only set rules and boundries for yourself.

Who cares is your ex is liar. She is now an ex. Stop over analyzing and move on. If she causes you this much stress then do not have her in your life.
 
I'm going to add nicknames and some paragraphs for clarity.


puykcyt said:
Hi all,
I recently ended a polyam relationship where I only had one partner. I was under a lot of stress due to recently graduating from college and trying to find my "place" in the world, and decided I didn't want to continue dating other people. I have been in a polyam relationship before, that went fine, just fizzled out. My ex gf, Jane, was dating me as a primary and had a secondary bf.
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Is this the same person who was hostile to you at the party, or yet another guy that you knew about?

Our issues started when we had a birthday party in which one of her friends, that she had been involved with 2 years ago, [Jack], but was not currently dating, was hostile toward me. It felt really odd to me, as I didn't know they had ever been involved in that way, but some part of me could tell that Jack's dislike for me was deeper than what it was being presented as.

I asked Jane about it after the party, and told her how the situation made me uncomfortable, and she said she had no idea what that was about.

A month later I go to a therapy appointment and asked Jane to pick me up bc my phone would die before I could call an Uber. She said distinctly, "I will come get you. I'll be on my way."

Later I get a text saying, "We're close." Being that I was fresh from therapy, in an area of town I didn't know well, I was feeling super vulnerable and not in the mood to deal with an unexpected guest. Jane arrives, with Jack! I'm now extra uncomfortable. Jack is making some attempt to be nice to me, but I still get a feeling that my presence is not wanted.

I tell Jane about this and she says, "Yeah, Jack didn't want to come." I felt like my boundaries had been violated, and told Jane, and she stated she wouldn't do something like that again.

I mention these weird actions with Jack again in December, just bc it was part of the conversation we were having, and Jane casually says, "Oh yeah, we used to date." I'm irritated now bc I'm wondering why she didn't tell me in August, and also angry bc I disregarded my intuition and trusted Jane, bc it was the "right" thing to do.

I ask her to set boundaries with Jack, so that we don't have this problem again, bc I feel that we would see each other eventually. Jane agrees to do this.

Two weeks later, I'm venting to a friend, Melissa, that I don't talk to regularly, about the whole situation. Melissa tells me that she knows more than what I was told as she used to live with Jane. I find out that during the conversation (with Jane) that was meant to fix things, I was lied to about the nature of her relationship with Jack, again.

I tell Jane to stop lying to me, and that I don't trust her bc it didn't make sense to me to lie about a relationship with a friend. I never had issues with her boyfriend [Jack?] and never met him, but I thought it was weird that when we first started dating she referred to him as her "friend." But I thought maybe their relationship changed over time.

I'm not sure if my being upset about this all means I'm somehow monogamous and jealous (which is how Jane was trying to portray it), or if I was just dating a liar, and this isn't how poly works. Is there a way I can prevent this type of behavior in future relationships, or should I hang my coat on having multiple partners?
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I think Jane, despite claiming to be poly, was lying about her depth of relationship with Jack. Who knows why? Maybe he was uncomfortable with her being involved with you... so she lied to you about still being involved with Jack just to "simplify" things, in her mind.

Of course, she lied, and this is wrong in any relationship. Jack resented you, and was rude to you at that party. Then for some odd reason, Jane brought him along to pick you up from therapy too.

At any rate, it's water under the bridge? You broke up with her for lying to you about still being somehow romantically involved with Jack, and not telling you?

Just because people claim to be "polyamorous" does not mean they are always capable of being entirely ethical. Poly is a new term people sometimes use to sugarcoat being cheaters. Another example of bad ethics is, sometimes men claim to be ethically non-monogamous/poly, and to want a long term relationship, when all they really want is a hookup or two. Some men will lie about their intentions, just to get in a woman's pants.

Dating is hard, and people can hurt you. I guess the best advice is to listen to your intuition when something seems sketchy. You'll still get taken sometimes, by uncaring people with shitty ethics. It's part of the dating game, unfortunately, whether you're poly or mono, unless you really get lucky. I've been poly dating 10 years, and been hurt over and over again by people who seem great at first, but turn out to be creeps, cheaters, liars, even outright narcissists.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Im not sure if my being upset about this all means Im somehow monogamous and jealous (which is how my ex was trying to portray it) or if I was just dating a liar and this isn't how poly works. Is there a way I can prevent this type of behavior in future relationships or should I hang my coat on having multiple partners?
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It sounds like your ex lied. So you were dating a liar. And not only that, play head games in bold. Which is not nice.

NO, this is not how honest, ethical polyamory works. But some people aren't honest. It isn't like polyamory as a relationship shape magically makes it so there are no liars or cheaters or whatever. You are going to find less than honest people whether you date monogamously, polyamorously, or however else. It has to do with the person's CHARACTER more than anything else.

You don't have to hang your coat on having multiple partners. But you may have to make firmer boundaries of your own. Leave faster when things start to smell hinky. Be really picky about what kind of people you date.


Our issues started to begin when had a birthday party in which one of her friends that she had been involved with 2 years ago but was not currently dating was hostile toward me. It felt really odd to me as I didn't know they had ever been involved in that way but some part of me could tell that the friend's dislike for me was deeper than what it was being presented as. I asked my ex about it after the party and told her how the situation made me uncomfortable and she said she had no idea what that was about.
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You could handle it differently. Could have asked the Dude "Hey, I could be wrong here. But you seem uncomfortable around me. Did I do something? Jane says you guys are friends... I try to treat her friends respectfully. Am I missing something?" And then Dude could have corrected you that he's Jane's exBF or current BF or whatever he is. And then he could be pissy at Jane rather than you for misrepresenting who he is.

I tell Jane about this and she says, "Yeah, Jack didn't want to come." I felt like my boundaries had been violated, and told Jane, and she stated she wouldn't do something like that again.
Click to expand...

Your boundary of "no extra people" was not actually articulated. You did not ask Jane to pick you up alone. So if it matters to you... in future could use the therapist's phone to call Uber in future if your battery is low so you don't have to be dealing with extra people after an appointment.

I mention these weird actions with Jack again in December, just bc it was part of the conversation we were having, and Jane casually says, "Oh yeah, we used to date." I'm irritated now bc I'm wondering why she didn't tell me in August, and also angry bc I disregarded my intuition and trusted Jane, bc it was the "right" thing to do.
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Vet future dating partners more carefully and trust yourself more.

Ask them who they've dating in the past so you aren't in a weird situations again not knowing who people are.

If you find a dating partner being hinky, ask directly what the hinky is all about. If it is forgivable... forgive it.

I tell my ex to stop lying to me and that I don't trust her bc it didn't make sense to me to lie about a relationship with a friend. I never had issues with her boyfriend and never met him but I thought it was weird that when we first started dating she refered to him as her friend but I thought maybe their relationship changed over time.
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If it's just hinky upon hinky upon hinky? Quit dating them AND stop talking to them. Too flaky. Don't even have to say the stuff in bold. Just keep away and stop interacting. If she's in the habit of flipping things around on you or doing "word salad" to get you muddled up to avoid taking personal responsibility? Any new interactions will likely just be more hinky and you seem fed up with the hinky games.

So... could just stop. No more talking to this EX. They are EX for a reason, right?

Keep this WAY easier on yourself.

Galagirl
 
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Dagferi said:
Stop over analyzing and move on. If she causes you this much stress then do not have her in your life.
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Analyzing is how I move on. I want to analyze my experience so I don't repeat the same mistake in the future. I appreciate your input. She is no longer in my life but I am processing what happened.
 
Also? You seemed to make an excuse in the OP about not dating more than one person when you just got out of college and were making your way in the world. As if Jane has shamed you and implied you're not "cool" or "true poly tm" because you only had her.

One can ID as polyamorous and only be romantically involved with one person. Or no people. Great people to date don't come along every day! And sometimes when we're busy, or otherwise distracted, or just bored with dating, we may feel like we could love more than one, but right now, we're tired and doing self care.

Not to go tit for tat, but I'd say she's the one who didn't act properly poly, since she was lying to you about her involvement with Jack. The definition of poly is being in relationships with more than one other person, with the knowledge and joyous consent of all.

You had no knowledge of Jack, so you couldn't consent, joyously or otherwise. And it seems Jack wasn't joyfully consenting either, since he was rude to you when he first met you. Jane was unethical with both of you guys. She liked her little secret. Maybe it made her feel powerful to manipulate you.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm going to add nicknames and some paragraphs for clarity.

Is this the same person who was hostile to you at the party, or yet another guy that you knew about?


Dating is hard, and people can hurt you. I guess the best advice is to listen to your intuition when something seems sketchy. You'll still get taken sometimes, by uncaring people with shitty ethics. It's part of the dating game, unfortunately, whether you're poly or mono, unless you really get lucky. I've been poly dating 10 years, and been hurt over and over again by people who seem great at first, but turn out to be creeps, cheaters, liars, even outright narcissists.
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Thank you for adding names. I didn't even think about that. The person who was hostile to me at the party was Jack. Jack was the best friend who was also an Ex. Alan would be the current boyfriend. I never met him as he lived far away but interacted with him online which was pleasant.

Thank you so much for your response. I had no idea what to make of all of this from a non-monogamous standpoint.
 
Another thought...

I tell my ex to stop lying to me and that I don't trust her bc it didn't make sense to me to lie about a relationship with a friend.
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It doesn't have to make sense to YOU. You have your set of values, way of going, etc. So when measured on that ruler? A behavior of "telling one person one thing when really it is another" does not make sense. Like not telling you Jack was an ex she was thinking about dating again.

For a person with a different set of values and way of going... like "I value not having to be responsible or accountable" or "I value stuff being easy for me" then a behavior of "saying whatever in the moment so I don't have to deal with any heavy conversation" DOES make sense. They value ease for themselves higher than truthiness.

I don't think it's a nice way to behave to people... but for the person who wants to coast? That behavior does let them coast. *shrug*

Process what you have to process so you can heal from this. But again... you don't have to hang up your coat on having multiple partners and give up entirely.

Maybe just keep in mind that not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Initially attractive, initially compatible, maybe. But DEEPLY compatible? Same values? That might be something else. And not everyone out there is a person of good character. It's the nature of dating whether mono or poly or whatever. Some just will not be a match for whatever reason. Kinda what the dating process is for -- the get to know the people and figure it out.

You can minimize future dings with good personal boundaries, having a clear personal dating standard, and just not bothering to go out again with those who don't even make the first few cuts. Some won't get a date at all. Some won't get second or third dates. That's ok. Don't feel bad about that.

Galagirl
 
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Hello puykcyt,

In the future, you could be more cautious, and trust your instincts more. However, you can't prevent bad behavior in other people, you can only choose your own actions. Certainly you could hang up your coat on future multiple partners, that would prevent anyone from lying to you about other partners. Or would it? Someone could be nonmonogamous but they could still lie to you and claim that they're monogamous. They could keep their other partner/s hidden from you. That is until some party where (one of) their other partner/s shows up and acts rude towards you. Then you could get suspicious about what this new person's relation is to your "supposedly monogamous" girlfriend.

So hanging your coat up on multiple partners would protect you from the kind of lies you were subjected to this time, but it wouldn't protect you from other kinds of lies. So I wouldn't suggest going that route, instead I would suggest increasing how much you trust your instincts in the future. If you suspect you're being lied to in the future, trust that suspicion. Unless you just don't like having multiple partners, for whatever reason. You should hang your coat up on that if it rubs you the wrong way. You could even stop dating people altogether if that's what you want to do. That would certainly protect you from many kinds of lies. Just don't make any decisions out of bitterness, YKWIM?

I hope all the posts in this thread are helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
They say to trust your gut instinct. Your radar.

When a manipulative person "pings" your radar, they try to evade, divert, obfuscate, blame you for being too controlling, etc.

So it isn't just that a person has lied to you. It is all the anguish you go through because you are trying to reconcile what your eyes are seeing and what her mouth is saying.

If something seems wrong: it is. Think about how careful that lie was. If you look back there will have been other red flags.

Remember what it felt like. That's how you know.
 
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