New to poly, struggling with sexuality and partner falling in love

P

Panzer

New member
Hi, we are both 29 (M/F). We've been together for 7 years (Monogamous) and are soon to be married. I (29M) suffered a sexual assault from an older man as a teenager and since then Ive been questioning my sexuality (I sort of identify Bi, but Ive never enjoyed sex with men nor do I find them attractive). Ive told my partner about being bi and she was very supportive and we tried strapon play to kind of fill that need for me.

Fast forward to late last year. We had been struggling with a dead bedroom for several years and decided to open up our relationship, with simple rules. Be open and honest. We can add boundaries as we learn what they are.

I end up using Grindr and NOT telling my partner about it, I was very open about using tinder and stuff, but when it comes to my gay side, I am so used to lieing about it since I was a teen that I was having an extremely hard time being open about it with my partner during our open relationship. I almost end up hooking up with a guy, I drive to his place late at night but ultimately I backed out and drove home... I left because I was very upset that I wasnt being honest and that I was too scared to explore my bisexual side. (I dont use this an excuse for lieing but it was a factor)

A a few days pass and my partner accidently stumbles upon my google location history and calls me out for this late night trip to meet a guy without telling her. We come veeeery close to breaking up and she said if it was with a woman we would be over. She says shes understanding of why I lied but very hurt

A week passes and she is very open to helping me deal with this issue and we are actually communicating muuuch better and solving our problems. She seems over the lie and we seem better than ever

At this point, she starts seeing a guy and after a few dates they are spending all day together dawn till dusk 13hrs a day, most days of the week. Doing activities together that Ive been trying to get her to do with me for years. They have developed feelings for eachother and it feels a lot like love even tho she denies it.

Im suffering an extreme amount from jealousy in this situation, incredibly depressed, and stressed out when they are together. I always thought she would find someone to hang out with for a few hrs a couple times a week. Never this much and not this quickly into opening it.

I expressed wanting more boundaries and limiting it to 2 dates a week - 1 all day date and 1 shorter date. She agrees but then the following week she appeals the rule and tells me I hurt her too bad and she doesnt care about my jealousy or that im uncomfortable and she has to find herself again, her way with no rules. I have to either deal with it or leave. She tells me she still loves me a lot and wants us to work out still.

I just dont know how to proceed, I already feel like her secondary just a few weeks into this. I can handle my jealous well when it comes to sex or dates that are 6-7hrs long and I can keep busy, but its too much to handle the all day dates, most days of the week.

Any advice what to do or how to handle this amount of jealousy. I dont want to break up. Is her behaviour justified from my actions? I feel like it is but I am just so scared/jealous. How do I rebuild the trust too? Ive never lied to her before and it is one of the reasons she is with me
 
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What I suggest is that you say to her "Okay, I understand that I've broken your trust and it needs to be repaired. I'm sorry for that. However, I don't think it's healthy for either of us to be in a situation where we are breaking agreements and punishing each other. Therefore, I suggest we split up and try to remain friends. If it is meant to be we will find our way back together in a way that is respectful and healthy and it will give us both a chance to 'find ourselves'."

In that break, I suggest you explore your sexuality, perhaps with therapy, and work on creating personal boundaries that move with you in your relationships rather than as you come across issues
 
Before giving advice, I ask:

How can any 2 adults spend every day just fooling around being madly infatuated? Don't either of them have jobs, responsibilities?

And that is very passive aggressive of Fiancee (I am going to nickname her that, as our Guidelines request nicknames for all parties), to be punishing you for going on a secret date (which you did not actually follow through with), by being with New Crush practically 24/7.

Also, a dead bedroom is not a great reason to Open a formerly mono relationship. What led to bedroom death? Where did the passion go?

Why are you planning a wedding now, when you have sexual issues, personally and between you two? Suggestion: cancel wedding plans now, until if and when you personally and together sort out these big issues.
 
He (D) works out of town a few months of the year and doesnt work the rest of the year so he has lots of free time. She (A) runs a small business where she is often home after a few hours of work but with current weather conditions she has been basically off work as well.

As far as our dead bedroom, I (J) am very co-dependant, attention-seeking from her and overly loving. (A) never felt she could match the amount of love I gave her and felt guilty about it, combined with her own sexual traumas, her medical conditions and depression her sex drive was basically non-existant. I understood this and gave her a couple years to work through it without bugging her about sex and supressed my sexual desires (where as I have an almost insatiable sex drive). She felt very bad sbout this and suggested we open the relationship (over a year b4 the current situation) so I could have some kind of sexual outlet.

During this intial opening of the relatiomship which only lasted about 2 weeks, we both went on 1 date and had sex with no one else, but her sex drive returned and she lusted for me (J). She says it had to do with the feeling of having more say in her life and that our communication drastically improved.

We (J and A) have been in a relationship so long from such a young age that our lives, feelings, goals, everything are completely intertwined and we have very little indepedance. This is especially difficult for A. She wants to know who she is. We thought opening the relationship would bring those benefits back and allow us some freedom to be more independant.

The strange thing is that both D and myself (J) have expressed interest in hanging out so we dont just tolerate eachother, but like eachother. We are both interested in a 3some with all 3 of us and he is also Bi but has his shit figured out. I think hanging out with D or having a 3some for me would make make me much more comfortable with the situation. Yet A wants nothing to do with these ideas because she feels uncomfortable with them and doesnt want me to be involved in yet another part of her life.
 
Hi, sorry to be a pain, but can you use actual nicknames instead of initials? Initials, or possessives like, "my wife," "her boyfriend," etc., make stories much harder to read. Actual nicknames like a regular name instead of their real name, like Jane or John, or something more fanciful like you've picked for yourself, work best for legibility. Thanks.



Panzer said:
He (D) works out of town a few months of the year and doesnt work the rest of the year so he has lots of free time. She (A) runs a small business where she is often home after a few hours of work but with current weather conditions she has been basically off work as well.

As far as our dead bedroom, I (J) am very co-dependent, attention-seeking from her and overly loving. (A) never felt she could match the amount of love I gave her and felt guilty about it, combined with her own sexual traumas, her medical conditions, and depression, her sex drive was basically non-existent. I understood this and gave her a couple years to work through it without bugging her about sex and supressed my sexual desires (where as I have an almost insatiable sex drive). She felt very bad sbout this and suggested we open the relationship (over a year b4 the current situation) so I could have some kind of sexual outlet.

During this initial opening of the relationship which only lasted about 2 weeks, we both went on 1 date and had sex with no one else, but her sex drive returned and she lusted for me (J). She says it had to do with the feeling of having more say in her life and that our communication drastically improved.

We (J and A) have been in a relationship so long from such a young age that our lives, feelings, goals, everything are completely intertwined and we have very little independence. This is especially difficult for A. She wants to know who she is. We thought opening the relationship would bring those benefits back and allow us some freedom to be more independent.

The strange thing is that both D and myself (J) have expressed interest in hanging out so we dont just tolerate each other, but like each other. We are both interested in a 3some with all 3 of us and he is also Bi but has his shit figured out. I think hanging out with D or having a 3some for me would make make me much more comfortable with the situation. Yet A wants nothing to do with these ideas because she feels uncomfortable with them and doesnt want me to be involved in yet another part of her life.
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I see. You and your wife are (were) each other's everything, so to speak, which is romanticized in our culture, but not actually healthy. You're childhood sweethearts and haven't dated others much or at all?

This kind of relationship of marrying your childhood sweetheart often does lead to restlessness after a certain number of years. Thanks for explaining.

It seems she's really been feeling smothered by your codependent relationship. And now you two are launched in a new path. I wouldn't say you should take the blame for being too "loving" or sexual. People's libidos do differ. That's just how it is. But maybe hers has been repressed by feeling too hemmed in, in general. Do either of you have platonic friends you hang out with? Ever take vacations apart?

I think her instinct is correct in not being interested in threeway sex. I don't believe you should push for it. If Wife wants "parallel poly" for now, honor her request. As time goes by, she may agree to you having a platonic relationship with New Guy. But stay out of their sex. She needs her own thing.

Often new polys coming from monogamy want to "share" a new partner, and believe this protects their relationship, lessens jealousy, etc., but it actually doesn't. And it's also not fair to the new partner, to be shared like a new sex toy.

You can overcome your jealousy as you grow your self esteem, maybe with counseling, maybe by dating others yourself. And just by time passing and the world not ending. Most of us polys manage to work through jealousy without demanding threeway sex.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I expressed wanting more boundaries and limiting it to 2 dates a week - 1 all day date and 1 shorter date.
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"Boundaries" are things you set up to keep YOU safe. Not other people. Like I do do eldercare for my Alzheimer parent. I put up and deal with a lot of mental health stuff. In my free time? I do NOT want to be hanging around MORE unmanaged people. People with mental health things that are doing their meds, counseling, and whatever on their management plans? Ok. People who are all over the place? NO. Nobody has to honor that boundary but ME. I am telling MYSELF what to do.

I think what you mean is you want some "agreements" with your partner.

She tells me she still loves me a lot and wants us to work out still.
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She agrees but then the following week she appeals the rule and tells me I hurt her too bad and she doesnt care about my jealousy or that im uncomfortable and she has to find herself again, her way with no rules.
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Which is it? She loves and cares about you? Or she doesn't? :confused:

Those are mixed messages.

Is there no middle place where she can find herself AND be dating you in a healthy way ? Where she shows care and concern for you as her partner?

Because if she's going to be all "fuck it and fuck you and your feelings" then accept it is over call it over and end it. Don't stick around for more "punishment" from her.

If you guys are going to work something out... ask what she IS willing to do.

I just dont know how to proceed, I already feel like her secondary just a few weeks into this. I can handle my jealous well when it comes to sex or dates that are 6-7hrs long and I can keep busy, but its too much to handle the all day dates, most days of the week.
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You could stop focussing on what the other guys gets for dating time.

You ask for the amount of dates YOU need to be happy. And you work on your codependency so the dating time you are asking for is realistic and healthy and not suffocating her or glomming on to her.

You might look for classes like CODA or similar and think about counseling. She is your partner, not your free therapist, or your life raft. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet.

http://coda.org/

Yet A wants nothing to do with these ideas because she feels uncomfortable with them and doesnt want me to be involved in yet another part of her life.
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Can YOU see why she might feel stifled by these ideas? You wanting to be buddies with her BF, and wanting to do threesomes? You can't have other friends? Explore your bi side/threesomes with other partners?

I get where you might feel anxious or panicky like she is "going away" if she does things without you. But everyone needs some time off on their own doing their own thing. Cannot be joined at the hip. Even you may need some time on your own so you can SEE that nothing doom happens and you CAN cope on your own.

Any advice what to do or how to handle this amount of jealousy. I don't want to break up.
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What's so scary to you about breaking up? That you would have to learn to cope on your own? :confused:

Nobody WANTS to break up. Like "Yay! Let's go to the movies! Let's make cookies! Let's break up!" But sometimes accepting that things are not compatible any more means letting things come to an end with grace.

How compatible are you guys right now? People can change over time.

Is her behaviour justified from my actions?
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If she's been all cooped up with you and your codependent stuff and feeling stifled/depressed with it all... I get that. But if she still wants to be with you?

Telling you she doesn't care is not loving behavior to me. That helps the situation get better how?

I think you guys could talk honestly.

Do NOT get married right now. Shelve that while idea. I'm not sure you are both still compatible. You have to talk to find out.

Assess, and then decide how you will approach this:

1) You find are not compatible at ALL. So you end it so both can be free to find more compatible partners.

2) You are not compatible like THIS at this time. So you end things for now so you can heal your codependent thing and she can heal her cooped up/stifled/don't know who I am thing. THEN later on you can see if you can function together as a HEALTHY romantic couple and get back together later on when both are actually HEALTHY PEOPLE.

3) You decide you are compatible, and it is healthy to stay together as a romantic couple WHILE you each work on your things. You heal the codependent thing and she solves her cooped up/who am I? thing.

a) You do it practicing an Open Model.

b) You do it practicing a Closed Model.

c) You do it practicing a hybrid -- only the people who are ALREADY here -- you, her, Dude. No NEW extra people.​

3) Some other solution.

TALK it out. Do the conflict resolution you need to be doing. And look at the bigger picture for what is HEALTHY for each of you. Not what is "comfortable" - but what is actually NEEDED here.

It may turn out that the best resolution may be a break up. It may not be.

But don't NOT do the needed talking because you are afraid of the outcome. Lean INTO resolving it. Not away from it.

Galagirl
 
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Panzer said:
Hi, we are both 29 (M/F). We've been together for 7 years (Monogamous) and are soon to be married.
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No sense in making sure the relationship is rock-solid before marriage, lol. I did this. The results - I got what I deserved, I guess.


At this point, she starts seeing a guy and after a few dates they are spending all day together dawn till dusk 13hrs a day,
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New Relationship Experience. Infatuated. And you are told to deal.

I came away from your post, even after re-reading it, with confusion. I do not understand how a person can "not" be attracted to a man, but go through great lengths to see one and conceal it, and at the same time to call himself "bi". Sort of.

Likewise with the opening of the relationship first, and seeing what kind of boundaries to put on it later. Jumping into a manual transmission car withoug having had a day of driver's training.

So we have confusion over what a person is, in addition to a lack of planning, just come what may.

Is her behaviour justified from my actions? I feel like it is but I am just so scared/jealous. How do I rebuild the trust too? Ive never lied to her before and it is one of the reasons she is with me
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Yikes. You did me wrong. I am taking license. It is open-ended. I will let you know if and when I am done.

I don't like to think in terms of who is right and who is wrong. The question is whether you want to live like this.

The only thing you are in control of is yourself. And it don't look too good, relying on her for healing yourself.

The rebuilding trust, there is a lot of literature on that. 100% transparency rule, etc.

But is she worth rebuilding trust for with this attitude?

The three-way sex thing, count me in as wrong. Even the friendship thing. I don't like my wife around me and the mistress much. Especially in the bedroom. We've done it, but the wife is too bossy, and we feel like we are acting out her script. In your case, with being "needy" or whatever, it is obviously an avenue for you to control things and that will be resented.
 
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Thanks for the help,

we do communicate often and have the hard talks. Also, to clarify I dont want to be best friends with Derek (Nickname for D). My sexual abuse came from an online experience that I had and Amy (Nicknsme for A) having met him online is an insecurity that is hard for me to get over. I feel like id to like be friendly with him so I know hes a good guy, notso I can be his friend

I removed myself from the situatin for a few days to think alone.
Im feeling a lot better with the situation with some alone time and Im going to let go of any rules/arrangements i might have wanted and be ok with her complete freedom. Ill see if I can keep this attitude while its happening tho!
 
MayDecember said:
I came away from your post, even after re-reading it, with confusion. I do not understand how a person can "not" be attracted to a man, but go through great lengths to see one and conceal it, and at the same time to call himself "bi". Sort of. .
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Ive been going to therapy to figure out the sex with men thing. I was raped by an older man when I was 15 and it was my first sexual experience, a very impressionable time. Ive had sex with a handful of men prior to this relationship. Im always bottom, never cum, dont find men hot, dont want to kiss them, dont enjoy the experience. Therapist suggests I may want to have sex with men because I am mentality stimulated by "punishing" myself for my past experience or that Im wanting to keep doing it till I enjoy the experience to help me get over it. It is very confusing for me as well, no doubt.

It didnt bother me at all identifying as bi until I was caught in this lie and discussed it with my partner and started to realize how fucked up it is and now Im very questioning of my sexuality because of what I listed above.

Ive had to lie about it since I was 15 and now I have a real mental block opening up about my sexual experiences with men which is why I lied to my partner, Amy
 
Hello Panzer,

I have some links for you to help you with your jealousy, but first I need to know if jealousy is really the problem here. Amy is spending a lot of time with Derek, and I suspect not much time with you, she is all caught up in her New Relationship Energy, and perhaps does not even realize that she is neglecting you. I don't see this as a situation where it is fair for her to punish you for your earlier deception (not telling her about Grindr, not telling her about almost ending up hooking up with a guy). Yes, it was wrong to deceive her, but you were struggling with your past trauma, and plus, two wrongs don't make a right. I think it is more important for her to get a grip on her NRE, and realize that you need her to spend more time with you. Notice I don't say you need her to spend less time with him, I don't believe that's where the problem lies, that's your jealousy talking. It's up to her to figure out how to make more time with you, if that means spending less time with him, then so be it.

Here are those links I spoke of ...

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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