My boyfriend told me to break up with my other partner

[kdt26417]

Hi Annika,

It's good to hear from you again, I am glad that things are going better with Matt. My personal take is, it's probably better if you don't talk to Matt much about Ethan, at least unless Matt brings it up. Talking about it may be rubbing a sore spot for Matt. Just answer whatever questions he has succinctly, treat this trip to see Ethan mostly like a trip where you're not seeing anyone. I don't mean to lie about it, I just mean to keep the talk about Ethan down to a minimum. That's what I think will improve your chances of this not going sideways. Although there is always a chance it could, no matter how you handle it. This is mostly up to Matt. He needs to make peace with your relationship with Ethan. He is the one who needs to make that peace.

Anyway those are my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helped you some. And that you guys took a break, and Matt was able to get it more together and that you reunited after all.

But in two weeks, I'm going to go see Ethan in person for the first time since Matt and I got back together, and I'm nervous that things might go sideways. I'm trying to figure out how to prevent that as much as possible and how to manage it if it does. Do you have any advice?

My suggestion?

Practice honesty and expect everyone to own their own baggage.

You could say "Matt, in 2 weeks I see Ethan in person for the first time since we got back together. I am nervous things might go sideways. I'd like to talk that out. Are you up for it?"

If he consents... keep being honest.

"I feel anxious. I would like things to go well. That to me means _____.

To feel better with my anxiety, I need to do self care in the form of ____. I'd also like these behaviors from you. (List them) I do not want or need _______ behaviors.

For before care, I would like ______.

For during the trip, I would like ______.

For after care, I would like ______. Could you be willing to do some of those?

What about you? What do you need before, during, and after? What parts of self care will you be doing for yourself? What can I do to contribute to your well being or at least not take away from it? "

Then expect him to communicate clearly and own his own baggage.

Just say PLAIN what he is and is not up for this time from the beginning.

No more mixed messages like the last time where he said he was ok but then really he was not and then it went wonky. It would have been better to be honest back then with "I'm not sure I'm ok, but willing to try" or "I thought I could, it turns out I can't" or similar.

Hopefully now you both can practice more honest communicating to minimize misunderstandings or bumps in the road.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

So you told Matt you were on a break and that lasted, like, 4 months? And he "worked on himself."

A guy that acted that unreasonably, and frankly, scary, with the suicide threats and telling you he'd rather you not date anyone else at all, while he dated whoever he wanted... do you trust he's "worked on himself" enough?

Were you still in some kind of communication while "on a break"? Did he get professional help? Is he still in counseling, if so? Has he apologized for the suicide threats? Has he been dating others while "on a break" with you?

DO YOU TRUST HIM NOW? Has he, not just apologized, but made reparations for his unreasonable and scary behavior earlier? What has he done, specifically, to regain your trust around you seeing others in general, and Ethan in particular?

Have you been "in a relationship" with Ethan (long distance) all this time? Has Matt resumed talking to Ethan? If so, has he apologized and made reparations to Ethan?


Have you visited Ethan since last summer? Has he visited you? Does Matt know about the current depth of your relationship with Ethan? How is Ethan feeling about his "best friend" and the suicide threats?

You come back in here not telling us much about how things progressed and how much trust has been rebuilt. So I am thinking not enough trust has been rebuilt, or you wouldn't be asking questions about how to tell Matt you're going to see Ethan shortly. If you've been back dating him again since like, November, why don't you already have a good sense of how he'd feel now about your continuing relationship, text, phone, and in person, already?

 

[Annika]

So you told Matt you were on a break and that lasted, like, 4 months? And he "worked on himself."

A guy that acted that unreasonably, and frankly, scary, with the suicide threats and telling you he'd rather you not date anyone else at all, while he dated whoever he wanted... do you trust he's "worked on himself" enough?

Were you still in some kind of communication while "on a break"? Did he get professional help? Is he still in counseling, if so? Has he apologized for the suicide threats? Has he been dating others while "on a break" with you?

DO YOU TRUST HIM NOW? Has he, not just apologized, but made reparations for his unreasonable and scary behavior earlier? What has he done, specifically, to regain your trust around you seeing others in general, and Ethan in particular?

Have you been "in a relationship" with Ethan (long distance) all this time? Has Matt resumed talking to Ethan? If so, has he apologized and made reparations to Ethan?


Have you visited Ethan since last summer? Has he visited you? Does Matt know about the current depth of your relationship with Ethan? How is Ethan feeling about his "best friend" and the suicide threats?

You come back in here not telling us much about how things progressed and how much trust has been rebuilt. So I am thinking not enough trust has been rebuilt, or you wouldn't be asking questions about how to tell Matt you're going to see Ethan shortly. If you've been back dating him again since like, November, why don't you already have a good sense of how he'd feel now about your continuing relationship, text, phone, and in person, already?

We were in communication- we still saw each other at mutual events, we hung out sometimes, we texted. It wasn't a no contact break. He did get professional help! That was a big step for him because of his distrust of doctors/psychologists, but he's taking Wellbutrin and seeing a therapist regularly now. He said that back then he was looking for anyone but himself to blame for how he was feeling and acting, and that it wasn't right. He said that he wasn't trying to threaten me by telling me he was suicidal, but he said that he was sorry for making me responsible for it. He wasn't dating anyone while we were on a break, and he still isn't dating anyone else now. He told me that when he's upset, or angry, or hurt, I'm never responsible for those feelings, even if they're a reaction to something I do.

I've been long distance with Ethan the whole time- I've visited Ethan three times since last summer; he hasn't visited me. We video chat, call, and text pretty regularly. Matt knows about how I stand with Ethan. Matt texted Ethan a while ago to apologize and reach out, but Ethan hasn't replied. Ethan said that he didn't like how his relationship with Matt had developed, so he's hesitant to start talking again, but he does want to eventually. Matt still feels betrayed by Ethan, because he feels like Ethan abandoned him and put pursuing a relationship with me above their friendship.

I don't have a good sense of how Matt will react because he and I don't talk much about my relationship with Ethan. He gets kind of quiet and withdrawn when I do, so I'm worried... but he's made a lot of progress, and I'm hoping things will turn out positively if I can navigate this well enough.

 

[Magdlyn]

We were in communication- we still saw each other at mutual events, we hung out sometimes, we texted. It wasn't a no contact break. He did get professional help! That was a big step for him because of his distrust of doctors/psychologists, but he's taking Wellbutrin and seeing a therapist regularly now. He said that back then he was looking for anyone but himself to blame for how he was feeling and acting, and that it wasn't right. He said that he wasn't trying to threaten me by telling me he was suicidal, but he said that he was sorry for making me responsible for it. He wasn't dating anyone while we were on a break, and he still isn't dating anyone else now. He told me that when he's upset, or angry, or hurt, I'm never responsible for those feelings, even if they're a reaction to something I do.

I've been long distance with Ethan the whole time- I've visited Ethan three times since last summer; he hasn't visited me. We video chat, call, and text pretty regularly. Matt knows about how I stand with Ethan. Matt texted Ethan a while ago to apologize and reach out, but Ethan hasn't replied. Ethan said that he didn't like how his relationship with Matt had developed, so he's hesitant to start talking again, but he does want to eventually. Matt still feels betrayed by Ethan, because he feels like Ethan abandoned him and put pursuing a relationship with me above their friendship.

I don't have a good sense of how Matt will react because he and I don't talk much about my relationship with Ethan. He gets kind of quiet and withdrawn when I do, so I'm worried... but he's made a lot of progress, and I'm hoping things will turn out positively if I can navigate this well enough.

Thanks very much for more information!

It sounds like things are still kind of up in the air. Although it's very good that Matt's been in counseling and is on an antidepressant, and is taking responsibility for his own moods. That's awesome.

But things are still real sketchy between the guys. It's funny, we have another thread going here somewhere, where a new woman comes to town, and is interested in 2 guys who are bffs, and one of them refuses to date her when he finds out she's also interested in his good friend. Then the woman was all upset and thought it was somehow sexist of the men to have that "bros before hos" agreement. To use a crass term, but that's the how the saying goes. And many women have the "sisters before misters" agreement too.

But here you are. In the thick of this thing. And both men really like you, and you really like each of them, but they both still feel betrayed by each other. It's a precarious situation! They didn't have their "bros before hos" agreement fully fleshed out. I wouldn't want you to suffer any extra because of the mens' lack of accountability to each other.

I don't really have any extra advice still, despite more information. I'm just glad Matt's getting professional help around the depression/suicidal tendencies.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad to hear Matt is taking responsibility for his well being.

If you are gonna date both guys? And they had the chance to bow out but instead agreed to carry on? Well, each one of you can hold their own baggage then.

Matt knows about how I stand with Ethan. Matt texted Ethan a while ago to apologize and reach out, but Ethan hasn't replied. Ethan said that he didn't like how his relationship with Matt had developed, so he's hesitant to start talking again, but he does want to eventually. Matt still feels betrayed by Ethan, because he feels like Ethan abandoned him and put pursuing a relationship with me above their friendship.

You might have to have a personal boundary around that.

If they come telling you things about the other one? You will tell them NO and tell them that they talk to EACH OTHER to work all that out rather than telling you stuff. It's not your job as a hinge to repair their friendship for them. So please stop involving you in that area.

I don't have a good sense of how Matt will react because he and I don't talk much about my relationship with Ethan.

Could ask him what sort of behavior you can expect from him. So you can know and perhaps be less worried.

Esp when Matt says this:

He said that back then he was looking for anyone but himself to blame for how he was feeling and acting, and that it wasn't right. He said that he wasn't trying to threaten me by telling me he was suicidal, but he said that he was sorry for making me responsible for it. He wasn't dating anyone while we were on a break, and he still isn't dating anyone else now. He told me that when he's upset, or angry, or hurt, I'm never responsible for those feelings, even if they're a reaction to something I do.

Good. Let him own his emotional management. He is responsible for it.

You may have to have a personal boundary around that. Like if Matt starts acting out at you again like last time? You will hang up the phone, or walk away and leave him to get it together on his own.

It is one thing to tell you "That bothers me. I need some space to clear my head." It's another thing to have him blaming you and raining junk down on your head when he's the one who chooses to be here and continue to participate. You guys were on a break. He could have decided to make it permanent rather than get back on the Poly Bus.

Galagirl

 

[MayDecember]

I will admit it was a roller-coaster as we tip-toed our way into polyamory. But the deep dive has generally gone fantastic.

Your boyfriend didn't just condone it - he insisted upon it. So the emotional blackmail with suicide threats is extremely abusive.

Drama is never just an accident. If you like drama, this is the situation for you. Stay in it. Plenty more to come.

 

[WhatHappened]

In the interest of mutual communication and concern for each other, Matt will presumably also be saying to OP:

"I feel anxious. I would like things to go well. That to me means _____.

To feel better with my anxiety, I need to do self care in the form of ____. I'd also like these behaviors from you. (List them) I do not want or need _______ behaviors.

For before care, I would like ______.

For during the trip, I would like ______.

For after care, I would like ______. Could you be willing to do some of those?

What about you? What do you need before, during, and after? What parts of self care will you be doing for yourself? What can I do to contribute to your well being or at least not take away from it? "

Then expect HER to communicate clearly and own HER own baggage.

No more mixed messages like the last time where he said he was ok but then really he was not and then it went wonky. It would have been better to be honest back then with "I'm not sure I'm ok, but willing to try" or "I thought I could, it turns out I can't" or similar.

There's an assumption here on what his mind set was when he said it. He may have thought he was really okay with it. Many people have thoughts of things they think they'll enjoy. In their imaginations, they enjoy it and want it. Then they find out in reality, they don't like it at all.

It seems to me it was really clear that he thought he could and equally clear in stating that it turned out he couldn't. Yet he's being dogpiled on here as the bad guy.

I don't think it helps a relationship for one person to go in clearly feeling they are in the right and superior at managing emotions and communicating, and taking the attitude that the other person needs to shape up.