How common are metamour issues in healthy relationships?

M

MsEmotional

Member
This may seem like an odd question, but I am often confused by the number of people who seem to put up with strained/antagonistic metamour relationships. I know that people often post here when things are *not* going well, but I am just surprised by how many poly relationships seem to have been dealing with meta drama. Don’t get me wrong, my relationships have experienced their share of drama, but not usually tension directly between metamours. Not to overgeneralize, but it most often seems to be tension between female partners of a male hinge — usually a girlfriend trying to deal with her boyfriend’s wife’s negativity.

I think I would leave a relationship pretty fast if there were signs that a partner’s spouse didn’t want me around. I wouldn’t personally date my husband’s partners, and likely wouldn’t even be friends with them, but I make sure they feel welcome in my home and that my husband has time with them. I can’t imagine being mean to a lover of my husband. And if someone were mean to me? I wouldn’t want to be in their presence or the presence of a partner who tolerated that.

But I am starting to wonder if this is just that I have a really low tolerance for emotional discord? Is a certain amount of animosity between metas healthy/acceptable?
 
It probably depends on why someone is in a relationship and how long they've been in the relationship.

I would imagine most people stay, at least for awhile, when they're in love with their partner. When you love someone, you try to find ways to stay with them and you keep hoping things will work out or that something will change.

To be honest, this seems fairly obvious.
 
WhatHappened said:
It probably depends on why someone is in a relationship and how long they've been in the relationship.

I would imagine most people stay, at least for awhile, when they're in love with their partner. When you love someone, you try to find ways to stay with them and you keep hoping things will work out or that something will change.

To be honest, this seems fairly obvious.
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I suppose you are right that it is silly for me to be “confused” about why they would stay if they are in fact in love ....I suppose maybe I assumed that someone would know about the antagonistic metamour (particularly if it is their partner’s spouse or longer-term relationship) early on enough that they could exit the relationship before falling in love. I think I posed my question in kind of a garbled way...

I guess I’m looking for more personal opinions and my question is more along the lines of, “How much metamour drama do you consider tolerable within a healthy poly relationship?” or “What are early signs for you that a relationship won’t work out due to metamour relations?” or perhaps “Does anyone have any experiences with metamour relations that went well in the beginning but did not last? Any tips for keeping on good terms with your metas?”
 
Just stopping by to say, I also have a low tolerance for emotional discord! That actually factored in when I made the decision to leave my partner of 13 years. (None of the fighting involved me directly, it was between my partner Jester and her other partner GreenLantern, but it was happening in our shared house, for months.)
 
MsEmotional said:
“Does anyone have any experiences with metamour relations that went well in the beginning but did not last? Any tips for keeping on good terms with your metas?”
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I have a great experience that continues on. I formed a BF/GF relationship with a close male friend who is poly and married. The only reason we are no longer sexually involved is because I eventually came to know that I'm an emotionally monogamous person, but he and I are still very close and spend time together. His wife and I have had a good relationship from the start because:

1. They were square with being poly to begin with. I did not come in as a game changer and they had already worked out what they wanted with each other. My presence was not an irritating factor. They have great communication and are mature, experienced people (as am I!)

2. I was clear that their relationship was their relationship. I had no desire to change their situation and I had no need for jockeying around the question of hierarchy. My BF was great about communicating how much he treasured me and so I had no doubts about being valued for my own unique presence.

3. She always honored that I was a huge priority for him and she celebrated our connection. Again, no jockeying around the question of hierarchy.

4. She and I texted periodically about how we were doing/feeling, especially regarding our poly connection. We saw each other socially, but there was no effort on being palsy. The friendship we came to form evolved naturally and because we enjoyed each other's company, not because anyone wanted (or worse, needed) us to become friends. My BF let us work out between us how our connection was going to evolve. He never got involved in what was between us, nor expected us to have any type of connection, he just let us handle it.
 
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I haven't had much experience personally with a metamour that treats me badly. If I was to, say, start dating a married "poly" guy whose wife was making rude and sarcastic remarks directly to my face, or if the guy told me about her acting out with him, hopefully this would happen early on, before I got too emotionally attached to the guy. So, if this was happening, I wouldn't "blame" the meta/wife. I'd blame the guy for not having his poly ducks in a row. Obviously the wife was really not OK with polyamory, and he should have worked it out prior. I don't tolerate little passive aggressive digs one bit. They always cover up a deep discomfort.

I guess I can remember a few times a guy I started to date had issues with his primary really not being OK with poly. One guy, we had 2 dates, one meetup, one sex date. Then on the 3rd date he told me that his gf didn't want him to kiss me. Everything else but kissing on the mouth was OK. I broke up with him.

Another guy and his wife kept me waiting after my first date with him. She was being all weird about him dating. She said, wait til winter is over, because the guy gets SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and couldn't think straight. LOL At the end of the winter she told him he could only date men. I was very surprised, because she used to have a live-in male lover besides her husband. I guess she had that old "one vagina policy." Anyway, this woman was never directly bitchy to me.

One more guy I remember, his gf let him go on one date with me, just a coffee date, then told him he couldn't date anymore. It was funny, because she ran seminars in which she taught "nerds" how to get women. And she was controlling "her" man. Sadly, I found out he soon broke up with her... but our time was past. He didn't contact me again. Maybe she'd tainted me in his mind.
 
My best tip is no contact between metas...lol... especially if one of them isn't all that thrilled with the poly. There seems to be this theory that if only I could talk to her she'd see what a great person I am. It's not about that. It's about the situation they are in.

When I had 5 partners, only two of them even lived in the same state. With those two, only one was poly. She would have been okay with meeting the other. However, I knew Elle wouldn't have wanted to meet her. It's doubtful they would have gotten along anyway as they didn't have anything in common apart from me.

The point I'm getting to is the hinge needs to figure all this out instead of just throwing everybody together and hoping for the best. Also, I definitely would not share what one partner has to say about another
 
Health is a relative word, a 100% healthy relationship would be a perfect relationship, in practice just about all relationships have at least some minor issues. I get along pretty well with my metamour, however there were times in the past when we had some issues with each other. I guess as a live-in V, the secret was to get better acclimatized with each other, learn where each other's buttons were so as not to push them. It also seemed to help that we spent time together doing light things, so that it wasn't so serious all the time, and made it so that we could grow a positive friendship. But, then, our V is pretty much kitchen table poly. The tips/rules would be different for a parallel poly setup.
 
I have met a number of women that Dude has gone out with over the years. If we click and become friends (or more) fine, if we don't then that is fine too - can still be socially polite. I can't say that I have experienced any "metamour issues" from my end, there was one that had an issue with ME (that didn't come out until her break-up txt with Dude - she was always pleasant to my face).
 
Funny

I have never met my husband's girlfriend in person in the 7 years they have been together. I have waved to her from across the street once, and we have chatted briefly on facebook a handful of times, for reasons. That's it. Recently, however, she has acquired some hobbies and interests that I am no longer able to do, and it's funny (amusing) to see him helping her with these things that he thought he was done with forever.
 
My wife's boyfriend has spent the night in our guest room at least a dozen times when he was in town on business (he lives 4 hour away, but recently has been working in our area for few days at a time). We're all pretty much kitchen table poly now - literally. We've all had numerous meals together at home and in restaurants. We've also gone bike riding together (the three adults and our daughter) a few times as well as various other outings.

My local fwb/partner has gone out to dinner with my wife and I a few times as well, and hung out with us some at our house a couple of times - again, pretty much kitchen table poly.

Al
 
MsEmotional said:
I guess I’m looking for more personal opinions and my question is more along the lines of, “How much metamour drama do you consider tolerable within a healthy poly relationship?” or “What are early signs for you that a relationship won’t work out due to metamour relations?” or perhaps “Does anyone have any experiences with metamour relations that went well in the beginning but did not last? Any tips for keeping on good terms with your metas?”
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My most recent post I made on my own had meta drama in it; in the end my partner and I got everything sorted calmly and perfectly tbh. Everyone, in the end, was happy with the outcome. I ended up getting advice using the DM on here. You can read the post if you'd like, and DM me if you want any extra info.

Mostly, people do post when they have issues. I know I joined in 2017 when I was new with lots of questions, and didn't really come back until this week when I had an issue.

One thing I think we all need to remember, whether with our own posts and others, is when people are feeling tender and emotional we may not always express ourselves properly. Which adds to the extra feelings of discord. And if you're confused as to how to feel or what happened or the real reason as to why you're upset; it's really hard to find an answer. People get muddled.

Honestly, I have only vague ideas on keeping good relations with a meta. I've only had two; and one we talk weekly still even though my husband and her have split. The other is...more complicated. There is really no animosity to each other. We just really never interact besides a hello or how are you. We are different people, and she has different values than I do that, to an extent, I disagree with. We'll never be friends but that's okay. We're not even facebook friends. Honestly, it wasn't until talking this out with some people on here that I really understood what was going on my own head and emotions about it and her.

The V in a relationship, male or female, can also sometimes feel a lot of extra pressure to be perfect; to make sure everyone is happy and cared for and everything is balanced. Lot's of V's, myself included, take too much of that on and forget to just...breathe. Not try to aim for perfection. That really can complicate a meta relationship. If you feel like then there are comfort levels being pushed too much, or you're being ignored. That hurts and people can lash out or be bitter to their meta.

The amount of drama I'd consider acceptable is...no more than I have now. Animosity is not something I can deal with.

Early signs it won't work? I'm not sure really. Maybe like any relationship, friendship or otherwise. You know there are some people you it won't work for a friendship, or even passing acquaintances.

Tips for keeping on good terms...my experience is limited so I'd have to say everyone respecting comfort levels and boundaries set around meta relationships; and making sure that everyone feels like they are at the very least respected.
 
I don't spare emotional bandwidth for other peoples dramatic antics. The people in my life are good for me, or they are gone.

If I have a good relationship with someone but they are bringing some poison pill with them, then I make whatever adjustments are needed to keep the unhealthy bit out. That includes making adjustments to the good relationship if I am not able to get the poison pill away from me.

Everyone can act like an adult, or fuck right off.
I finished high school many years ago, and I'm not going back.
 
Out of 5 poly systems, I only had problems in 2. The others were lovely. And I hold the hinges responsible for putting us in a position where we were pitted against each other. One actually used that as an excuse to break up/transition, whet it was really about having different ideas of how entwined we wanted to be; the other transmitted conflict that should not have been transmitted. (I got the “I will have to do X- meta is asking me to, and no, X was unreasonable and what the hinge really needed to do was to help meta feel supported in a different way than let her be controlled.

I also hold me responsible for not calling bullshit bullshit—but I did not yet have that skill.

The other 3 became some of m favorite people in the world, either as friends, or group sex partners.
 
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