Boundaries/trust building

[ElMango]

Okay, I want to preface with this will be long post, and you will want to read it all. Also, I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice (I'd appreciate it no matter what), or just venting.

Also, secondary preface, my fiance B does know that I have insecurities around his BFF but that, until now, I viewed them as a "me issue" that I needed to wokr on (as sometimes insecurity is), and therefore I did not elaborate on exactly what bugged me because I really was never given any reason to believe it would happen.

So, on Wednesday, 2ish boundaires were broken. Giving a heads up about any sort of romantic or sexual encounter/updating consent as we all agree that past consent is not current consent. HAving any form of relationship with others does not bug me, notice/updated consent do.

B's BFF and him have a romantic/sexual past. They have dated, although a while ago, and had a FWB relationship. Although it hasn't been one for a while, they've both hinted at maybe doing something but she always ends up backing out; which is fine; consent is most important and changes.

She has been anxious lately due to having a practicum. So he was joking/flirting (again all good boundary wise on the relationship part), about how masturbation releases tension. He also invited her over that day; again, idgaf about that. But, when I asked if sex/mutual masturbation/potentially her just masturbating. If boundaries were being respected, the answer would have been no. But it was a solid "if she wants to/maybe". So not only did I not get a heads up/updated consent-this happened all about 10 minutes before I had to go to work and like 45 minutes before she was over. (as an aside, my anxiety has been like a 9/10 recently due to my other partner finding out he has MS among other things, so that information adds context too)
Boundary 1: forewarning thus giving people time to consider their mental health and leaidng ot boundary two...
Boundary 2: past consent is not current consent

So this definitely upset me. It was a major trust boundary for me. And upset more and more as the day went on. After about 30 minutes I made it clear that I was NOT comfortable with anything sexual happening; he had no issue with me setting that boundary for the day, but since I was at work I really didn't have the time or ability to deep dive into this esp over text message and when I had to focus on my job.

Breaking these boundaries confirmed one of the things I was insecure about with his BFF; that their past would influence his following of the boundaries he agreed to and that we all follow. I can't quite explain more in depth than that why that upsets me so damn much.

So, that night we hashed things out. I explained my emotions; mad, hurt, stupid (because my intuition was correct). He apologized, and recognized what he did was wrong. I know he did not intentionally do this. But, that really doesn't make me feel better. And so while now I'm feeling a lot better, and things are no longer really weird or strained at all; especially because I requested a new boundary of NO sexual or romantic things with his BFF; friendship is OF COURSE not restricted, and casual flirting is nbd. He agreed to this without hesitation. Which is a major trust builder-at the same time, part of me feels like until she comes over again and it is a tried and true action of things being done, I won't feel at ease. But, she doesn't come over that often (once ever 4 months or so). And truthfully, I'm not really comfortable around her anymore. Because, imo, both parties should ensure all parties consent. I always ask about any sort of meta's consent and if I can/it's appropriate, ask them directly. She did not do this; nor did she insinuate anything but potential sexy time.

Are these feelings normal? Is it okay that I feel like seeing is believing? Is it normal for me to feel like everything is back to normal, but anything regarding her makes me uncomfortable, and the trust won't be completely returned until she either comes over and things go well, or she asks/insinuates and he directly shoots it down?

what do

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ElMango,

Correct me if I'm wrong, I am gathering that your boundary is to get notice of a *first* sexual encounter, rather than needing notice for *every* encounter. B hadn't been with BFF (sexually) for a long time, so you needed him to inform you (ahead of time) of if he was going to rekindle the sexual part of that relationship. He did not inform you (until the last minute), and this is what caused your upset.

You seem to have come to an agreement with B: You said you didn't want him to have any sexual relations with BFF, and he agreed not to have any. To me this says that the problem has been resolved ... *if* you can trust him to stick to the agreement. Can you?

Waiting for four months (til BFF's next visit) to find out whether you can trust him sounds like an uncomfortable proposal to say the least. Is there anything he could do to reassure you right now?

I hope you can get things resolved.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm a little confused. Let me try to repeat back in my own words to see if I get the main points. You correct me if I am wrong, ok? I quote just to block it off.

PEOPLE

• I have a BF. (Call him Blue.)
• Blue has this person... call her Red. She is his exGF, past FWB, current best friend.

BACKGROUND

• Bleu and Red have fuzzy boundaries and I've been ok with most of it until now. Like flirting with each other, hinting around sex, etc. It usually comes to nothing. They've been leaving it at "best friends" for a while.
  
• I want a heads up and time to digest if things will change between them again because past consent is not current consent.
  
• I have stress with my other partner being diagnosed with MS. I don't want any "surprises" or "coming in from the side" stress.

WHAT HAPPENED LEADING UP TO CURRENT PROBLEM

• Red was all anxious lately due to having a practicum. She was coming over in 45 min.
  
• Blue started joking about masturbation easing tension.
  
• I asked if he was planning some kind of sex / mutual masturbation / potentially her masturbating while he observed when she came over. This conversation was happening 10 min before I had to leave for work.
  
• I expected him to say NO.
  
• Blue said if Red said yes, then he wanted to go there.
• I was upset with him and 30 min later told him I prefer NO SEX with Red because this was too short a heads up. He apologized for that.
  
• I requested a new boundary of NO sexual or romantic things with his BFF; friendship is OF COURSE not restricted, and casual flirting is nbd. He agreed to this without hesitation.
  
• So I feel better clearing up things with Blue.

CURRENT PROBLEM

[*] I'm still annoyed with Red because I think that both parties (Blue AND Red) should ensure all parties consent.

• I always ask about any sort of meta's consent and if I can/it's appropriate, ask them directly. She did not do this; nor did she insinuate anything but potential sexy time to Blue.

Is that the main points more or less? If so...

I guess I can see where the upset it. You and him have this agreement to give you a heads up first. But he doesn't give you the heads up himself. You had to "pull it out" of him that he's planning to put the moves on Red when she comes over. So that's annoying. But you eventually sorted it out and cleared the air with Blue. Made new agreements with him.

But you having lingering grumpy with Red.

Blue knew that you expect both parties to ensure all parties consent. You always ask about any sort of meta's consent and if you can/it's appropriate, ask them directly.

You seem upset Red did not do this.

• Did RED even know you want her to be doing this? Did you tell her?
• Or did you expect Blue to update her and he didn't? Another ball he agreed to and dropped?

I think you could ask Red if you can expect her to check in if their relationship shape is gonna change again. So you all operate under the same agreement. And maybe continue to clarify with Blue.

You may also have to make space for spontaneity and unpremeditated things happening out to a certain point -- kissing, hugging, making out, whatever.

Here it sounds like the main annoyance is that Blue knew he was gonna put the moves on Red and Red had been hinting about sex. But when was either one gonna inform you? Esp when there's a "give a heads up" agreement that Blue was supposed to meet.

Galagirl

 

[ElMango]

Hi ElMango,

Correct me if I'm wrong, I am gathering that your boundary is to get notice of a *first* sexual encounter, rather than needing notice for *every* encounter. B hadn't been with BFF (sexually) for a long time, so you needed him to inform you (ahead of time) of if he was going to rekindle the sexual part of that relationship. He did not inform you (until the last minute), and this is what caused your upset.

-Nope, the boundary is for every sexual encounter. Because lives change, and weekly plans change; ergo if you want a bootycall monday, like let people know around Sunday. Even if it's same-day, y'all gotta say something and get a reply first. Everyone agreed to this-as this wasn't even my boundary first but Z (my other partner). Regardless, it was a mutually agreed upon and discussed boundary

You seem to have come to an agreement with B: You said you didn't want him to have any sexual relations with BFF, and he agreed not to have any. To me this says that the problem has been resolved ... *if* you can trust him to stick to the agreement. Can you?

I can trust him...but...I can't explain the feeling? Like I felt I could trust him to respect the boundary before-to the point where I thought my insecurity with his BFF was a ME ISSUE. And now that it super wasn't, I feel...leery? of not giving my insecurity some credit?

He absoultely has agreed to the new boundary. Which is one reason why I'm kinda like...wtf...to myself?

Waiting for four months (til BFF's next visit) to find out whether you can trust him sounds like an uncomfortable proposal to say the least. Is there anything he could do to reassure you right now?

I don't even really have any ida HOW he could reassure me that wouldn't feel like too much.

• Did RED even know you want her to be doing this? Did you tell her?

• 
  -No I didn't so I understand my irritation with her is more insecurity based probably.
  
  

  [*]Or did you expect Blue to update her and he didn't? Another ball he agreed to and dropped?

-I expected a boundary to be respected on his part-and if that meant giving her a heads up what would and wouldn't happen that's included.

You may also have to make space for spontaneity and unpremeditated things happening out to a certain point -- kissing, hugging, making out, whatever.

I disagree tbh. If the boundary was a very clear "let people know before/ask, even if it is the same day you'd have to do the same thing and wait for a reply and assume no until reply is given. Which was the preagreed boundary. Very plainly spoken. I have turned down last minute bootycalls with my FWB due to this boundary soooooo....like it isn't hard. Also, I've blatantly turned down last minute bootcalls because I knew my partners weren't available for me to ask. We're all grown-ups with self control. Just because we're polya shouldn't exclude you from controlling your emotions especially if you know that things have been heated between you and the person before.
Also, we were in the same house literally all morning, mostly in the same room.

Here it sounds like the main annoyance is that Blue knew he was gonna put the moves on Red and Red had been hinting about sex. But when was either one gonna inform you? Esp when there's a "give a heads up" agreement that Blue was supposed to meet.

Pretty much, my fiance was the one who was supposed to get current consent.

 

[MsEmotional]

Can you explain a little more about why this boundary is important? I understand that you all agreed to it, but what purpose does it serve to refrain from intimacy every time unless you have checked with all partners in advance?

If I am understanding correctly, this is a boundary that was put in place from your other partner (Z). Does this mean that when you and Z first got together, he told you not to have sex with your husband (I’m confused here as I think you refer to him as a husband in your signature but a fiancé in your post....sorry if I get this wrong) unless you have given him a 24-ish-hour heads up?

This particular boundary sounds like something that can (and perhaps should?) be dissolved as you become more involved in polyamory. I have three partners....I can’t imagine calling the other two to get permission every time before having sex with one of them.

 

[ElMango]

Can you explain a little more about why this boundary is important? I understand that you all agreed to it, but what purpose does it serve to refrain from intimacy every time unless you have checked with all partners in advance?

Neither of them have long term other partners; only FWB. If they were long term or dating type situation then I'd only expect a courtesy of "hey do we have anything planned X day?"

While Z was the one who came up with it (not at the beginning), he came up with it because both of them had talked it over when I was getting my first FWB and it's something that made them more comfortable. I agreed as it was a sound idea and all of us have looked into FWB who we weren't making the best decision.

This particular boundary sounds like something that can (and perhaps should?) be dissolved as you become more involved in polyamory. I have three partners....I can’t imagine calling the other two to get permission every time before having sex with one of them.

Again, they currently have zero long term partners. If they did, I would consider it asinine to ask about having sex or intimacy with their other partners (whom, because we have a kitchen table set up, things would have a different dynamic). As with FWB we agreed that there doesn't really need to be the whole "meet n greet", but we do need to do things like, use condoms, and make sure they aren't a generally toxic person, and our long term partners are currently consenting as, with all of us having anxiety of some sort, we agreed that bootycalls don't take priority over your long term spouse.

---

Again, whether the boundaries change over time really seems irrelevant since A) the boundaries changing has never been something brought up by B, or anyone else, even though I have brought them up before to make sure everyone is still on the same page-both as a group and apart, and B ) breaking a boundary, even if you have an issue with it, really shouldn't be done. Like, when my husband and I first started he had a few weird to me sexual boundaries in place, and because he asked for me to do so...I did, and when things evolved we adapted the boundaries. The point of boundaries is to follow them, not throw them out because you suddenly don't feel like it.

Also, I said I know he didn't intentionally not follow it, he just forgot. But, forgetting a set bounary that has been in place for like...a year or more, feels kinda shitty too; like it wasn't worth remembering.

 

[MsEmotional]

ElMango, thanks for clearing up your signature — I have a much clearer understanding of the relationships now — that the boundary originated with Z because at the time he was your only partner (and husband) and that the rule extended to relationships of J’s because it was something that J agreed was a good idea. My understanding is that getting consent/permission aspect only applies to the FWB relationships outside of the long-term relationships between you and Z and you and J — is this correct?

 

[ElMango]

ElMango, thanks for clearing up your signature — I have a much clearer understanding of the relationships now — that the boundary originated with Z because at the time he was your only partner (and husband) and that the rule extended to relationships of J’s because it was something that J agreed was a good idea. My understanding is that getting consent/permission aspect only applies to the FWB relationships outside of the long-term relationships between you and Z and you and J — is this correct?

It applies to any FWB, me, Z and B. As we all agreed it was a fair and good idea and have continued to do so consistently even with check-ins about our boundaries. B agreed to it because it made sense to him as well (he has Asperger's [he still uses the term], so picking up on social cues is really hard for him. So having boundaries like this makes things way more straight forward and simple.

The FWB does not NEED to ask; I recognize me liking that is a personal preference not like an actual rule.

Part of the reason why the thing with J bugs me is it was something I had always kinda been worried about happening; and I was working on getting rid of that and I had mostly succeeded; because it was, imo at the time, coming from a place of insecurity not for any other reason I had been given. But, when insecurity feels a lot more like intuition in hindsight; it's harder to ignore. If that makes sense?

 

[MeeraReed]

The boundary you have set isn't working because it doesn't reflect the way dating stuff happens in real life. Someone has a friend they have chemistry with...maybe something sexual will happen, maybe it won't...how can they give you a heads up in advance when that kind of thing is often spontaneous?

It sounds to me like you just don't like the BFF and don't want anything to happen with her. Otherwise, why all the rules around it?

If my partner had to give me a heads up or let me know / ask permission / whatever every time someone was coming over to his house with whom he MIGHT do something maybe...I would be getting random calls and texts at all hours like "Hey Meera, going to a party, person I like might be there, we might make out" then later "Never mind she's not here" then later "Hey Meera a new person is flirting with me maybe we'll go home together" etc.

Like it would be ANNOYING for me to have to keep track of whatever potential stuff might happen with my partner, and ANNOYING for him to keep having to let me know in advance about stuff that can't be predicted.

I could understand if you were new to poly or struggling with poly, but you have two apparently steady/long-term/serious partners...chill out and let B have the freedom to be poly.

I get that your other partner's recent diagnose is stressful and painful and scary, but it doesn't have anything to with whether something happens with J's BFF. How would what he does with her affect you at all? Unless you don't like and don't want him involved with her for some reason.

 

[ElMango]

The boundary you have set isn't working because it doesn't reflect the way dating stuff happens in real life. Someone has a friend they have chemistry with...maybe something sexual will happen, maybe it won't...how can they give you a heads up in advance when that kind of thing is often spontaneous?

Because I didn't get a heads up at all? Like, even like when they discussed her coming over like 2 hours before, when we were in literally the same room? He could have given me a "heads up something MAY happen". Like, I fail to see how that's an absolute ridiculous and unreasonable boundary? A boundary he agreed to? Constantly agreed to? And when we talked about hings after, agreed that it was reasonable? You can give a "maybe things will happen" heads up. Which counts as a heads up. Even if it was when they decided she was coming over.

It sounds to me like you just don't like the BFF and don't want anything to happen with her. Otherwise, why all the rules around it?

tbh I'm indifferent about her. And...the rules aren't just around her. Except the new one that functions because he broke a boundary and now trust rebuilding is in process.

If my partner had to give me a heads up or let me know / ask permission / whatever every time someone was coming over to his house with whom he MIGHT do something maybe...I would be getting random calls and texts at all hours like "Hey Meera, going to a party, person I like might be there, we might make out" then later "Never mind she's not here" then later "Hey Meera a new person is flirting with me maybe we'll go home together" etc.

Like it would be ANNOYING for me to have to keep track of whatever potential stuff might happen with my partner, and ANNOYING for him to keep having to let me know in advance about stuff that can't be predicted.

Again, as this is his only FWB and currently has no other partners...yeah, it doesn't seem the exact same thing as what you have. Also, we've done that with parties before hand. "hey I'm going, so something may happen just fyi" it's honestly not difficult. Surprisingly, honesty isn't hard.

I could understand if you were new to poly or struggling with poly, but you have two apparently steady/long-term/serious partners...chill out and let B have the freedom to be poly.

I literally could give less than a million fucks if he is with other people. I've encouraged him to go out with other people. So, failing to let him be poly...because a heads up is something he agreed to and then didn't do...doesn't seem to be an accurate assumption.

I get that your other partner's recent diagnose is stressful and painful and scary, but it doesn't have anything to with whether something happens with J's BFF. How would what he does with her affect you at all? Unless you don't like and don't want him involved with her for some reason.

It affects me because he didn't do what he said he would. Is that confusing?

---

Let me sum up the issues at hand, since I want to eliminate confusion.
1)A constantly, and consistently agreed upon boundary was broken.
2)Saying "well I wouldn't have that boundary" is hella irrelevant, because I could counter with "well I wouldn't have X boundary of yours so your boundary is wrong".
3)I am asking for help on how to process the issue of trust being broken.
4) Anyone else in my V having other partners of any type is not something that I have hookups over; I have hook ups over a boundary BEING BROKEN. A BOUNDARY EVERYONE AGREED TO, and what that could indicate about how people treat OTHER future boundaries
5)I have no ida what would make me feel more at ease; as I'm not even sure how much I'm not at ease now

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It's completely unrealistic and even sort of unethical for you to need to give permission every time they have sex. Either be polyamorous and allow your partners the freedom to have proper relationships with other people, or be monogamous. It's gross and creepy that you want to be told every time they're about to have sex.

My suggestion is that you drop the rules and work on accepting that you cannot open your relationship and then work to control everyone in your polycule to alleviate your own insecurities.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Because I didn't get a heads up at all? Like, even like when they discussed her coming over like 2 hours before, when we were in literally the same room? He could have given me a "heads up something MAY happen". Like, I fail to see how that's an absolute ridiculous and unreasonable boundary? A boundary he agreed to? Constantly agreed to? And when we talked about hings after, agreed that it was reasonable? You can give a "maybe things will happen" heads up. Which counts as a heads up. Even if it was when they decided she was coming over.


tbh I'm indifferent about her. And...the rules aren't just around her. Except the new one that functions because he broke a boundary and now trust rebuilding is in process.



Again, as this is his only FWB and currently has no other partners...yeah, it doesn't seem the exact same thing as what you have. Also, we've done that with parties before hand. "hey I'm going, so something may happen just fyi" it's honestly not difficult. Surprisingly, honesty isn't hard.




I literally could give less than a million fucks if he is with other people. I've encouraged him to go out with other people. So, failing to let him be poly...because a heads up is something he agreed to and then didn't do...doesn't seem to be an accurate assumption.



It affects me because he didn't do what he said he would. Is that confusing?

---

Let me sum up the issues at hand, since I want to eliminate confusion.
1)A constantly, and consistently agreed upon boundary was broken.
2)Saying "well I wouldn't have that boundary" is hella irrelevant, because I could counter with "well I wouldn't have X boundary of yours so your boundary is wrong".
3)I am asking for help on how to process the issue of trust being broken.
4) Anyone else in my V having other partners of any type is not something that I have hookups over; I have hook ups over a boundary BEING BROKEN. A BOUNDARY EVERYONE AGREED TO, and what that could indicate about how people treat OTHER future boundaries
5)I have no ida what would make me feel more at ease; as I'm not even sure how much I'm not at ease now

Let me tell you the boundaries I have:

"If I don't use condoms with you and you don't use them with someone else, tell me before we have sex again." That's about my only boundary. Of course I won't stay in a relationship which isn't conducive to my happiness but there is a reason why people are telling you that your rule is unrealistic and the source of the whole issue here. You're someone who isn't emotionally ready to handle polyamory but you're trying to do it anyway by relying on these rules which only work to increase the chance of infidelity and objectify your partners and metamours.

Yes they agreed to it because it might have sounded right. It's easy to submit to mononormative culture which tells you that you must have the permission of your partner to use your body in the way you want. But once they realised they're adults with feelings and chemistry, your rules just served as annoying obstacles to what they wanted to do. "The overbearing parent who won't let their kid have normal friendships", that's how one friend described her husband who had similar ideas.

 

[ElMango]

Okay; I'm closing this. If people want to tlak they can message me.

I'm closing it for the following reason:
1) It seems the reading comprehension here is poor at best. Getting advice on what I didn't ask for, and specifically didn't want advice for, is ridiculous. I wanted advice on building trust again. Also, having to constantly repeat myself about what my boundary is, and people not grasping what it is...jesus christ
2) My dynamic is not your dynamic. Nor does it have to be.
3) It keeps getting more and more insulting to me. The people who matter in feeling I am overbearing are not you guys. It is my partners. And they fully disagree with your summation of our relationship and who I am
4) Im not going to defend my boundaries any more. It's ridiculous. People could have a boundary of "this restaurant is just for us and I want to keep that special" and if it is agreed to, it's agreed to. You don't have to agree. I could give an absolute flying shit less what your boundaries are in the context of comparing to mine.
5) A heads up is not permission. A heads up is not wanting to know everytime someone is going to have sex.
6) Honestly, I'm getting really pissed off.
7) I found a different forum where people actually had constructive things to say that didn't revolve around "u r doin it wr0ng!"

 

[Dagferi]

I have been in a healthy stable poly dynamic for almost 8 years... There are many here who have been doing this longer than I have.

I know after your temper tantrum last post you do not want to hear advice from poly people who ha e been doing this a long time. So I am not going to waste my time.

My only statement will be if it struck a nerve and pissed you off the advice here probably is pretty dead on. You are not going to het patted on the head here and told you are wonderful. Folks here are going to call you on your shit.

 

[ElMango]

Ah, again a failure in reading comprehension!

Go away. If you want to read into why I'm upset and add in your own views as if you don't carry any bias then like...eat shit.

 

[MeeraReed]

LOL that escalated quickly.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from ElMango):

"I am asking for help on how to process the issue of trust being broken."

I wonder if the process of rebuilding trust isn't mostly a matter of time and endurance. Like, technically, right at this moment you can't trust B because it's so recent that he violated your trust, and he hasn't done anything yet (since then) to show you that he *can* be trusted. Maybe he can do little things here and there to help with that process, but that all takes time before it builds/adds up.

Is it possible that part of the problem is that you don't trust yourself right now? Like, you had an intuition that B's BFF was a problem, and maybe you didn't listen to that intuition as much as you should have, like you misinterpreted that intuition and thought it was (personal) insecurity. So now you don't know whether you'll listen to your intuition better next time. I guess the moral of the story is, if you have misgivings about someone, it's probably for a good reason. Like, B's BFF turned out to be kind of a shady character, someone who *cannot* be trusted to be considerate of your feelings. Make a promise to yourself, that next time you'll listen to your intuition, and act on it as appropriate.

I know that's not much help, but maybe it helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

(Forum Folks: There is a learning curve and a comfort curve for every person and every relationship. It is easy to look back and see the mistakes that we made, that held us up, and, yes, it is painful to watch people stumble against the same hurdles that we had to overcome, with pain and regret at times. You have to crawl before you walk, and some of us NEVER learn to fly - unless you are super-human, we all got some bumps and bruises along the way!)

OP : When Dude first moved in (after MrS and I had lived together, just us, for 15 years) MrS wanted to know whenever we were going to get intimate - even if he was sleeping. He didn't want to get up to pee and be surprised to encounter us having sex on the couch (on the counter, in the bath, whatever). This mirrored our "heads up" from our FWB experiences. If we were at a party and one wanted to "disappear" for some frisky times with a new friend - then we would let the other know.

As MrS got acclimated to the fact that sex between Dude and I was going to happen (and he didn't particularly like to be awoken) the requirement went away. And we found that the requirement for FWB and "new friends" fell away as well. We still try to be considerate, but it's not betrayal to fuck up. A few weeks ago MrS and I were at a concert, I went out for a smoke and found a cutie to make out with. About the time MrS was texting me to see if I got lost or kidnapped, I was realizing that I had been away for a bit - grabbed MrMakeOut by the hand and headed to the dance floor as MrS was coming up to the smoking area - we met 1/2 way on the stairs! No worries MMO bought me a drink, MrS bought him a drink, we danced...

The two things that stick out to me:

1.) Your BF's BFF seems like a natural "More-than-friends-with-more-than-benefits" with all of the flirty, innuendo, and sexual/romantic history. As someone who doesn't get "revved-up" that easier, I have to seize the moment if anything is going to happen on my end. I (personally) would flip that particular FWB to an LTR - and give it a ban or a blanket OK. I get that prior consent doesn't necessarily imply current consent but you all seem to prioritize that above a lot of other ideas and ideals. I'd go with general consent (or NON-consent) unless something changes - with the obligation, on both sides, to inform each other about changes. "Honesty" does not have to = TMI and intimate details.

2.) I am surprised that no one has brought it up yet, but what you are describing sounds a lot more like "rules" than "boundaries" to me. - There have been many convos about this here, and I have stories of my own I can share. Boundaries are limits that you set for yourself - rules are agreements that others agree to follow. Our "rules" are "condoms outside the three of us" (also, "Don't be an asshat." "Don't set your friends on fire." "Don't break my toys." - but those are negotiable, as they inevitably happen !)