How do you navigate dating when one partner isn't poly?

[Voluptuouschef]

Hello All,
I've posted before and I'm sure some of you are familiar with my story. So after more than two years of just talking to men online I've actually found one I want to be with. My husband had originally said when I was ready to move into physical to let him know. But it's been so long since we've discussed anything I'm super nervous that the reality of it will make him want to close us back up, which I don't see as an option. I'm planning to talk to him tomorrow because I met with the guy to see if there was anything there. There was definite chemistry and it was hard not to let it get physical but it didnt. I didn't want to tell my husband about him until I was sure I'd actually want to be with him. Now that I am I want to know how other people who are in a one sided poly situation handle dating?
Here are the options I see;
1. I'm super open and honest and tell him every time I go anywhere or do anything with the guy.. but I think that will stress him out more.
2. I'm open as far as when I'm with him but give no details at all. Again I think he will stress the whole time regardless of where he is and what he's doing
3. We follow a dadt policy and he has no idea when I'm with the guy. The only reason I think this wouldn't work is he would always be thinking I'm with the guy when he knows I have free time or when I go and hang out with friends.
Am I missing any? I think I can manage to not interrupt the flow of our daily lives too much or have a negative impact on our family free time.
I'm trying to figure everything out before I talk to him so I can at least give him options of how we go about this. It's still new after two years of just talking so it's a step. I don't know how it's going to go but I'm trying to prepare. Our sex life has slowly gotten abysmal and I'm just ready to actually have great sex with someone who wants what I do and doesn't just want to lay back and be serviced lol.
Input is much appreciated, I'll come back in tomorrow afternoon to see if I got any replies.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Our sex life has slowly gotten abysmal and I'm just ready to actually have great sex with someone who wants what I do and doesn't just want to lay back and be serviced lol.

If you're looking for a poly relationship and not an NSA casual sex relationship, it's important that you are aware that feelings and attachments do not follow rules. People fall in love, people get attached despite the neatly laid out plans. If your husband is mono minded, will he be OK if you fall in love with this new guy? Will you be OK if you fall in love? It's one thing to go have great sex when you're out on furlough, so to speak, but be prepared for the deep attachments and love feelings that often develop along with the great sex. One thing is for certain - you cannot promise your husband that things will not change in your marriage and family. You can't know how you, he and this new guy will change your monogamous marriage experience, but things will change. Stand by what is important for you (sexual and emotional exploration with others) but don't make promises you cannot keep.

Most people refer to this as a mono-poly relationship (as opposed to one sided.) Your husband and you definitely have a two sided relationship. Mono-poly relationships can be very successful. A common fallacy is that the partners have to match each other tit for tat, but that is not true. You can have a fulfilling mono-poly relationship but the key is for both you and your husband to be willing to do your own regular introspection, be honest with each other and stand by what you want as individuals. I've experienced both success and failure in mono-poly and have learned that unless the partners are being absolutely true to themselves, it doesn't work.

 

[vinsanity0]

4. Ask husband how much info he wants.

 

[GalaGirl]

FWIW? Here's my opinion.

My husband had originally said when I was ready to move into physical to let him know.

Could honor the agreement and expect husband to deal with his own emotional management.

He himself may not want to be poly dating, but he agreed to participate in a poly model. Presumably he knows what he's getting into and its not a surprise you will have other partners.

But it's been so long since we've discussed anything I'm super nervous that the reality of it will make him want to close us back up, which I don't see as an option.

If that situation arises, you could tell him "I don't want to close back up."

Presumably he knew that agreeing to participate in a poly model would mean he would feel some stuff. And he would have to work through it.

SOMEONE has to be the first partner, right? Where is the surprise?

If he gets anxious because it new? Don't turn his anxious into your anxious like some feedback loop where watching the other one feel anxious makes the first one anxious like some kind of anxiety circle.

Expect some wobble as you live into you new reality. But don't make it bigger than what it is.

I'm trying to figure everything out before I talk to him so I can at least give him options of how we go about this.

Why is the burden all on you to come up with workable solutions?

Could ask him how much info he needs to know about your other partners. Is basic calendar stuff enough? Knowing your safer sex practices? What are his ideas?

And keep in mind that (you + new partner) info does not only belong to you. It also belongs to the new partner, and they may not consent to you telling hubby EVERY little thing about them. Would hubby like it if you were telling new partner every little thing about (you + hubby?) Would you like it if your hubby or new partner was telling every little thing about you to someone else?

Some things might be reasonable to share. Like calendar info and safer sex practices. Some things are TMI. Every dyad needs its own privacy.

In the past when it was just you two, you might have told hubby everything. But this new model isn't just you and hubby in it, right?

Our sex life has slowly gotten abysmal and I'm just ready to actually have great sex with someone who wants what I do and doesn't just want to lay back and be serviced lol.

I don't know why you "lol" if things are abysmal.

This is a separate conversation you could have with husband later on -- how to improve things between (you + hubby) in regards to your shared sex life.

I would not suggest having it on top of this conversation -- where you ask hubby what information is "news" he would like to be made aware of, and where his TMI line is. You figure out how it matches with where your "news" and "TMI" lines are. Sort it out.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Voluptuouschef,

What about a modified Option Two? You're open as far as when you're with him, and give a few details, just a few. Then answer any questions your husband may have. Also, whatever you decide, make sure the new guy is okay with you sharing whatever level of information you choose. He may want a certain expectation of privacy, and you want to honor that.

Tell your husband that you have met a guy, that there's chemistry there, and that you'd like to move into physical with him. Ask your husband if he is still consenting to a poly situation (actually mono/poly would be the right word in this case), and make him aware of the options you mentioned as far as how much info you could share with him.

Such is my advice based on your current post, I admit I could use a little review on your story from past threads. It might help me think of better advice to give. But so far, based on your post in this thread, this is the advice I would give. Talk to your husband, let him know where matters now stand, and find out what his preferences are.

Good luck and I hope you'll be able to work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hello All,
I've posted before and I'm sure some of you are familiar with my story.

your username looks familiar but I don’t recall your story is there important details that would help with this thread ???

I don't know how it's going to go but I'm trying to prepare. Our sex life has slowly gotten abysmal and I'm just ready to actually have great sex with someone who wants what I do and doesn't just want to lay back and be serviced lol.

Call me crazy but I think the elephant in the room is going to be the issue above. Not the choice of words or how much detail he’s going to need or not need.

Is your husband aware you think your sex life with him is abysmal. From your comment I take it he’s not asexual perhaps a selfish lover or very lazy ? That being the case are you both prepared to see a dramatic drop off in sex with your husband. I mean why put yourself through abysmal sex if you don’t have to.
How’s he feel about pity sex .

Also I 100% agree with whoever said don’t make statements how feelings or routines / marriage participation will stay the same. IT WONT. Kind words and good intentions but very naive which might be seen as lies later on.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Is your husband aware you think your sex life with him is abysmal.

This is the elephant that ended my marriage, so dingedheart is right to shine a spotlight here. In an otherwise monogamous arena, pursuing poly in an effort to get some decent sex is inviting a whole lotta earth shaking. People who are genuinely interested in exploring non-monogamous love seem to do pretty well morphing into a poly marriage, but people who are monogamous minded and desirous of more sex partners are likely to run into deep elephant piles of cr*p. Pursuing "poly" so that a person can keep the original partner on board, avoiding the heartache and $truggles of separation, is not genuine interest in non-monogamous love exploration. It's a way station on the road to divorce (or making peace with an unsatisfying marriage.) Nobody can tell you whether poly is right or not for you, but just slapping "poly" on a situation with two partners doesn't fix the fact that you're pretty unhappy with one of them.

And your husband. Is he aware that your sex life sucks for you? Is he all hell-yeah about the possibility that you might fall head over heals for this new guy and the amazing sex?