I have a problem with one women. Half year ago she saud that she dont want me in her life. It was after her romance with one of my partners. Long story. She thinks I am a terrible person and wrong polyamoric, feminist, human, whatever. My other partner mr. Green (we are together for a half of year) had once a short romance with her and I always know, that he still has some feeling for her. When we started to date, I make a lot of effort to somehow reconnect with her, say same appologies. She respont with even agrier way and stop to communicate. Then I said to mr. Green I dont want him to go on date with her. After some time I said I could be already ok with it. They were together on same cottage, have sex and I kind of freak out. She one hurt me and I am afraid she would do it again. She dont communicate with me and takes me as a enemy. I think I am not able to be in same kind of polycule with someone who openly hates me. Even if I dont want to make any vetos. With mr. Green we are not nesting partners and his wife is okay with this girl. I feel like I have no right to keep him from seeing her, even if I feel like if I cant be with him, if is he seeing her. But still want to work with my feeling somehow and dont make restriction.
Could I use veto for someone my partner likes?
- Thread starter neopoly
- Start date
I edited your post a little for clarity.
That is a problem. You did tell him you were somehow OK if he started up with her again. But now you're having second thoughts. It's up to Mr Green whether or not he continues to date/have sex with her, knowing you two don't get along.
You can tell him your feelings, of course. Then he can decide if he is OK with your discomfort or not. His choice. He can keep seeing her or not.
If he keeps seeing her, as is his right, you have 2 choices. You do not have a veto agreement, it seems. You can ask for one, but it seems likely Mr Green won't agree to that. So... you can keep seeing Mr Green, trying not to think about the issues you have with his other partner. You can ask him never to speak of her, either complaining about her, or praising her, or informing you in any way when he sees her. You don't have to be friends with all the partners of your partner.
Try this. If it isn't working, and still you're angry or disgusted that Mr Green keeps seeing someone you dislike, and you can't get that out of your mind, your only choice is to stop seeing Mr Green.
Maybe he'll grow to dislike her too and break up with her for good. Then maybe you'll take him back. Or maybe you'll question his taste in women since he likes someone you dislike, and give him up for good, and move on.
I have never really understood how people think vetos solve problems.
If you feel like you have to use a veto, that means that your partner doesn't want to stop seeing said individual. So right there, you're adding stress to your relationship with your partner. They might say no. You can't literally force them to stop seeing someone if they don't want to stop, you can only break up with them yourself.
Even if they say yes out of a desire to preserve their relationship with you, I can't imagine there wouldn't be resentment on their end which will likely have repercussions. It's not like you can just say, stop seeing this person, and then that solves the problem. It will certainly create more issues that will need to be dealt with.
Why not look into parallel poly? You don't need to be around your meta if you don't want to be, and you can ask your shared partner not to discuss your meta if you prefer it. Or if it's that unpleasant, you can choose to end your relationship with your shared partner. I tend to think that trying to control your partner doesn't usually end well for anyone.
If you feel like you have to use a veto, that means that your partner doesn't want to stop seeing said individual. So right there, you're adding stress to your relationship with your partner. They might say no. You can't literally force them to stop seeing someone if they don't want to stop, you can only break up with them yourself.
Even if they say yes out of a desire to preserve their relationship with you, I can't imagine there wouldn't be resentment on their end which will likely have repercussions. It's not like you can just say, stop seeing this person, and then that solves the problem. It will certainly create more issues that will need to be dealt with.
Why not look into parallel poly? You don't need to be around your meta if you don't want to be, and you can ask your shared partner not to discuss your meta if you prefer it. Or if it's that unpleasant, you can choose to end your relationship with your shared partner. I tend to think that trying to control your partner doesn't usually end well for anyone.
Hi neopoly,
I can't tell whether you and Mr. Green have a preexisting veto agreement ... where Mr. Green would say, "I will stop seeing someone if you tell me you veto them." If you do have a preexisting veto agreement, then you can use it for this person he likes. If you don't have a veto agreement, then you can't use veto per se, but you can use an ultimatum ... e.g., "I am unable to be in the same polycule with someone who hates me; so, if you don't break up with her, I will have to break up with you." Although that is not a veto as I understand it, it is an ultimatum, and you can use it.
I can't tell why this other woman hates you so. Perhaps you could elaborate? Is there something in your past history with her? I am trying to think of some way you could work with your feeling, so as to not make a restriction on your partner. From what I know so far, you are not the problem here, you are not the one who needs to work with your feeling, she is. Whatever grudge she holds against you, she needs to lay it down. It sounds like she won't even talk with you right now. How can you be part of the problem if you can't be part of the solution?
You could enter into a DADT agreement with him about her. Where you don't ask, and he doesn't tell. Where you never have to see her, and never have to hear about her. Would this make the situation tolerable for you? Maybe you wouldn't have to use veto. You could just erase her from your life. With his help. Would that be an acceptable solution for you, or do you not want to erase anyone from your life? It sounds like you've made efforts to clear the air with her, but she just shut you down. You are not the problem here. So maybe you could use veto, even if this is someone he likes.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I can't tell whether you and Mr. Green have a preexisting veto agreement ... where Mr. Green would say, "I will stop seeing someone if you tell me you veto them." If you do have a preexisting veto agreement, then you can use it for this person he likes. If you don't have a veto agreement, then you can't use veto per se, but you can use an ultimatum ... e.g., "I am unable to be in the same polycule with someone who hates me; so, if you don't break up with her, I will have to break up with you." Although that is not a veto as I understand it, it is an ultimatum, and you can use it.
I can't tell why this other woman hates you so. Perhaps you could elaborate? Is there something in your past history with her? I am trying to think of some way you could work with your feeling, so as to not make a restriction on your partner. From what I know so far, you are not the problem here, you are not the one who needs to work with your feeling, she is. Whatever grudge she holds against you, she needs to lay it down. It sounds like she won't even talk with you right now. How can you be part of the problem if you can't be part of the solution?
You could enter into a DADT agreement with him about her. Where you don't ask, and he doesn't tell. Where you never have to see her, and never have to hear about her. Would this make the situation tolerable for you? Maybe you wouldn't have to use veto. You could just erase her from your life. With his help. Would that be an acceptable solution for you, or do you not want to erase anyone from your life? It sounds like you've made efforts to clear the air with her, but she just shut you down. You are not the problem here. So maybe you could use veto, even if this is someone he likes.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Hi
thanks for yours comments and advices. And thanks for editing Magdlyn.
I don't like veto either.
I must admit, that Mr. Green asked for some specification. So we have something like preexisting veto agreement. Actually, I once said to him, that I wouldn't accept if he has something with her. But then I said I don't want to make this kind of restriction and said, that he could do whatever he wants.
I tried to make it clear, that he could do anything, but that I don't like it. Maybe my communication was not so clear. But we spend like five days texting and I was clearly irritated.
I also kind of hope, that it could clear my relationship with her a little bit or that it wouldn't freak me out so much.
I still don't use any veto, but we agreed, that we wouldn't do similar things again.
When I think about it - the problem is that he tends to act according to restrictions and rules. I hate kind of hate them. We also have a different view on sexuality. I used to have a very emotional, quite long relationship, sometimes without sex at all. He likes to take sex less "seriously" and more casual and don't fall in love so often. (But I am still not sure, how much he really don't have too much feeling and how much he just sometimes oppress them)
There is think, that she didn't even inform her husband about that thing. Her husband dislikes Mr. Green and even if they write sometimes and make some plans and think they couldn't probably have an intensive relationship. I don't even know if she wants to see him. He doesn't plan anything.
I also maybe can imagine him seeing her sometimes, maybe it she wasn't still so against me. I used to like her and was kind of devastated after she blocked our communication. But after that experience, I can see I am also not able to be in one polycule with her. Maybe it is some kind of self-protection for me...
thanks for yours comments and advices. And thanks for editing Magdlyn.
I don't like veto either.
I must admit, that Mr. Green asked for some specification. So we have something like preexisting veto agreement. Actually, I once said to him, that I wouldn't accept if he has something with her. But then I said I don't want to make this kind of restriction and said, that he could do whatever he wants.
I tried to make it clear, that he could do anything, but that I don't like it. Maybe my communication was not so clear. But we spend like five days texting and I was clearly irritated.
I also kind of hope, that it could clear my relationship with her a little bit or that it wouldn't freak me out so much.
I still don't use any veto, but we agreed, that we wouldn't do similar things again.
When I think about it - the problem is that he tends to act according to restrictions and rules. I hate kind of hate them. We also have a different view on sexuality. I used to have a very emotional, quite long relationship, sometimes without sex at all. He likes to take sex less "seriously" and more casual and don't fall in love so often. (But I am still not sure, how much he really don't have too much feeling and how much he just sometimes oppress them)
There is think, that she didn't even inform her husband about that thing. Her husband dislikes Mr. Green and even if they write sometimes and make some plans and think they couldn't probably have an intensive relationship. I don't even know if she wants to see him. He doesn't plan anything.
I also maybe can imagine him seeing her sometimes, maybe it she wasn't still so against me. I used to like her and was kind of devastated after she blocked our communication. But after that experience, I can see I am also not able to be in one polycule with her. Maybe it is some kind of self-protection for me...
I'm sorry you struggle.
I'm not sure how compatible you and Mr. Green are.
But to make life easier on you? If Mr. Green tends to acts according to restrictions and rules? Just tell him that you prefer not to be in the same polycule as her. Then he can decide from there what he's going to do.
It doesn't have to be a veto. Just honest.
There. Problem solved.
There you go.
He can see her. If so? You drop out of his polycule. You are not telling HIM what to do. You decide where YOU want to be and who you want to associate with.
Galagirl
I'm not sure how compatible you and Mr. Green are.
But to make life easier on you? If Mr. Green tends to acts according to restrictions and rules? Just tell him that you prefer not to be in the same polycule as her. Then he can decide from there what he's going to do.
It doesn't have to be a veto. Just honest.
There. Problem solved.
There you go.
He can see her. If so? You drop out of his polycule. You are not telling HIM what to do. You decide where YOU want to be and who you want to associate with.
Galagirl