Hello. I’m not poly.

D

Dangermouse

New member
Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been discussing poly relationships for the best part of 2 years and after lots of research I believe that she is poly and I am mono. She uses this forum but may or may not want to identify herself as my wife, I’ll leave it up to her to choose.
The bottom line is that I am really struggling to accept this lifestyle change of hers and although I want her to be happy, I can’t in all good consciousness be in a mono/poly relationship. The trouble is we have both said to each other that we want to be together forever. Not sure what to do.

Anyway, that’s me. I look forward to getting involved and hopefully learn a thing or two
 
My thoughts

Hello Dangermouse. I am new to poly and I don't exactly know how much my opinion is worth. But. From what your post says I would say that you have come to the right place first of all.

While it is important that each poly relationship is different it is important to identify and work through your feelings. So what is it about your partner being poly that you are not okay with? In a mono/poly relationship you have the right to make sure your feelings are understood and heard. As someone who is new to all of this I can tell you that it can be rough at times. Try to dig into your feelings and really understand where all the negative thoughts are coming from.. I found that to really help me understand that a lot of the things I was worried about my partner doing were in reality just my own insecurities. I am not sure if this is the case based on your post. Also on a side note if you so choose you have the right to pursue relations of your own. If you so choose. If it is what you desire. While being a male searching for a poly partner to play with is a rough game. If you are patient you may never know who is just around the corner.

I hope my thoughts help you work through this new and exciting time in your life.
 
Greetings Dangermouse,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like the best outcome here, for both of you, is for your wife to stop being poly. You want to be together forever, but you can't be in a mono/poly relationship with her. I guess there is a second option; that is, if you could stop being mono. Is that even possible? From what you've written so far, it does not sound possible. But maybe if you get involved here (on the boards) and hopefully learn a thing or two, that will help you feel differently.

Let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
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It sounds like the best outcome here, for both of you, is for your wife to stop being poly. You want to be together forever, but you can't be in a mono/poly relationship with her. I guess there is a second option; that is, if you could stop being mono. Is that even possible? From what you've written so far, it does not sound possible.
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Kevin I think someone "stopping being poly" is like someone "stopping being gay." It's not a choice, man!

Also, humans do NOT mate for life. It's not natural to be monogamous with one person your entire life. The evidence of cheating, adultery, divorce, romance novels, porn, etc. all attest to our true sexual natures. Also, there is evidence that many people, if not most, are bisexual. Any two people can love each other and want to be with each other. Gender doesn't matter.

Some people can BE poly and not PRACTICE poly, if that's what you mean. Also, some people can be gay, but not actively seek relationships with someone of the same sex. Is that "best" for them? :rolleyes:

Say, there's a gay man who'd been in denial, who was married to a woman, and even managed to have sex with her, but it never felt right. So one day he realizes, the light dawns, he's gay! What would actually fulfill his right to the pursuit of happiness would be a relationship with another man (or men). Is it "best" for him to stay married to his wife? To continue to attempt intercourse with her against his nature? What if he could no longer stand to even try? Then the wife wouldn't have fulfillment either.

I was bisexual and poly for 30 years, but practiced monogamy with a man. Something always felt wrong. Finally I decided I could no longer be faithful, and I really really wanted relationships with women, and/or with men who were OK with not being my "one and only." That is what was actually best for me, and I pursued it, and I am glad I did, even after 30 years with my ex husband.
 
"Together forever" is never realistic, especially if you end up with compatibility issues. One person who is poly and another who is not can be a huge issue. Either you have to be okay with her being poly or she has to be okay with living monogamously. Otherwise, it's time to go your separate ways. If not you'll both just end up being miserable. What would be the purpose in that?
 
wakenbakeOvO said:
While it is important that each poly relationship is different it is important to identify and work through your feelings. So what is it about your partner being poly that you are not okay with? In a mono/poly relationship you have the right to make sure your feelings are understood and heard. As someone who is new to all of this I can tell you that it can be rough at times. Try to dig into your feelings and really understand where all the negative thoughts are coming from.. I found that to really help me understand that a lot of the things I was worried about my partner doing were in reality just my own insecurities.
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Thankyou. You’re right about working on my own feelings. I’ve tried digging deep, I’ve spent two years trying to understand why I feel so strongly about not being able to accept poly. I believe it’s a sexual orientation and you are either poly or mono, just like you are either gay, straight, bi, whatever. It’s not a choice. I feel like I’m being selfish in not accepting her choices and therefore denying her but I also feel she is being selfish in bringing this into our life at a point when we are so deeply in love and don’t want to be apart from each other. I honestly can’t see how this will end
 
I’m his wife :)

I have known I was non-monogamous since before I knew there was an option to do it ethically. Equally I have known that Dangermouse was as monogamous as they come. He’s always known I’m happy for him to do anything with anyone else, I’ve always known I couldn’t. Then a couple of years ago he started joking about non-monogamy and even kissed a girl, I kissed a boy, it was all good, no arguments or anything. A year later my Mum got cancer and I got brave enough to start the conversations and research.

You may have read my previous thread where I slept with a mutual friend, thinking it was with permission (a miscommunication). It caused a lot of hurt and heartache, but ultimately has brought Dangermouse and I closer. Our communication and connection has improved no end. Our sex life went through the roof. My confidence blossomed. We are both still good friends with the mutual friend and even went away with him a couple of weeks ago.

My small experience of non-monogamy has shown me that all the research I’ve done about the benefits not just to me, but to us as a couple, are true. The prospect of possibly dating someone else has made me take up new hobbies to be a more interesting date, I’m hotter and more confident - that benefits my husband too!

I do want to stay together forever. Not for the sake of the kids but because I love Dangermouse and I love our life together. If that means being non-practicing poly then I will do it. But I feel like it will be half a life, I will be less happy and less fulfilled than I could be. He will always know I still want it and could feel guilty about that, alongside my resentment. And ultimately we’ll both just be waiting for me to slip up again.

I have always felt like I have such an abundance of love, more than he wants to receive. I’ve always been scared of my children getting older and not wanting my affection any more and not having anyone to give it to.

Since I slept with someone else, Dangermouse and I have had many conversations about some of the things I have wanted from him but not got. He’s made those changes so he can’t understand how I can still want this. I can’t quite articulate how this is about something I can’t get from him. Not because of anything he is lacking. My phrase is “I know the grass isn’t greener, but it is blue.”

Thank you for reading.
 
The trouble is we have both said to each other that we want to be together forever. Not sure what to do.
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You could redefine what "together forever" means.

It's not like "together forever married" is the only way to be.

I have friends going way back to 1st grade I still keep in touch with. That's pretty "forever" so far on those friendships. Other I lost contact with. People who want to keep up with each other? Will.

If you guys are finding you are not compatible for romance and marriage any more... maybe the next chapter in the book of "together forever" means being "good exes and friends."

I know a family who got divorced. The wife remarried. Her ex husband is her neighbor. The adults chose to buy new homes together to make shared custody of the kids easier. Guess what? She got pregnant and had a baby. Her ex hubby is the godfather to her child with the new husband.

They chose to reorganize themselves and well... there they are. Still "together forever" as family. Just not each other's spouses.

Maybe something to think about? It's ok to feel sad if the marriage part is coming to close due to discovering you want different things. But if you both still want involvement of some kind in each other lives? Have faith you can figure out how to write that "next chapter."

Galagirl
 
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I do want to stay together forever. Not for the sake of the kids but because I love Dangermouse and I love our life together.
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So be together then. Change the model to something that DOES work if being lovers and spouses does not work any more.

If that means being non-practicing poly then I will do it. But I feel like it will be half a life, I will be less happy and less fulfilled than I could be. He will always know I still want it and could feel guilty about that, alongside my resentment. And ultimately we’ll both just be waiting for me to slip up again.
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So why would you even agree to do that?

If you see the crap hole coming... why agree to get in it? :confused:

You guys sound like maybe you are entering anticipatory grief. See the writing on the wall, maybe sad and maybe scared. Not sure what the next chapter will look like, even though you do want to remain in each other's lives.

It's ok to feel that way.

Since I slept with someone else, Dangermouse and I have had many conversations about some of the things I have wanted from him but not got. He’s made those changes so he can’t understand how I can still want this. I can’t quite articulate how this is about something I can’t get from him. Not because of anything he is lacking. My phrase is “I know the grass isn’t greener, but it is blue.”
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It is a Limit of the Universe that is he one person. If you want more than one sweetie? He just can't make himself be two people.

It's not that anything is lacking or that you don't find him great. But he cannot make himself be two people.

If you want to have two sweeties? You can ask him to be one of them. He CAN be one of them if he wants to participate in a V model or similar with you. But the other sweetie has to be someone else. People are not magic.

But...

If he is monoamorous and wants 1 sweetie to love for his "love style?"

And he is monogamous and only wants to participate in 1:1 models where it is just these two people for his "relationship model" style?

Then you two have become incompatible.

Because love alone is not enough for deep compatibility. And you do not want to participate in a monogamous model. And he does not want to participate in a poly model.

Try to be kind to each other while you talk it out.

Redefine and reimagine what the next chapter of "together forever" is going to look like. You may still be able to achieve that if you are both willing to be flexible and realistic.

Galagirl
 
I have got faith that we will work things out so that we can stay together as a couple. We both want to make it work. I do not believe that me agreeing to full monogamy can work because he won’t be able to trust me - if anything happened with anyone else I would have to lie.

I equally believe that if we split we will do it amicably, it will be out of incompatibility rather than hate. I suppose the risk is if we stick it out for too long and I end up having an affair.

I think his main fear is the unknown. As well as the knowledge of the hurt he felt when I slept with someone else. But I can’t get to the bottom of how much of that is because of a feeling of betrayal and how much is down to the act itself.
 
Pigwidgeon said:
I equally believe that if we split we will do it amicably, it will be out of incompatibility rather than hate. I suppose the risk is if we stick it out for too long and I end up having an affair.
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You don't have to have an affair if you choose not to. Stand by your values and you won't. If you highly value honesty, then continue to be honest.

My husband and I have a really good divorce. While I don't experience poly as a sexual orientation (more as a choice,) I am much more sexually adventuresome and freedom seeking than he is. He's firmly monogamous and now married to someone equally so - and I'm really happy to see them so well matched. Divorce need not be a nightmare, even though that's the common experience. I visit with my former husband several times a week and he remains one my most cherished confidants. Think of this not as Divorce, but as renegotiating the contract. As GG mentions, being together forever can take many forms.
 
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I equally believe that if we split we will do it amicably, it will be out of incompatibility rather than hate. I suppose the risk is if we stick it out for too long and I end up having an affair.
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You are not able to tell partner something like...

"Heads up. I do not want to cheat on agreements by having some secret affair. I am making you aware I'm feeling uncomfortable. I am no longer able to keep this agreement as is. I would like to renegotiate or disband this agreement. When would be a good time to talk? "​

.... or similar? :confused:

Galagirl
 
My small experience of non-monogamy has shown me that all the research I’ve done about the benefits not just to me, but to us as a couple, are true.

Dangermouse

From your post, doesn't seem like you are as convinced as what your wife states here . Are you??? Your post indicates you are not joyous like her, Is that true???

You may have read my previous thread where I slept with a mutual friend, thinking it was with permission (a miscommunication). It caused a lot of hurt and heartache, but ultimately has brought Dangermouse and I closer.

If I remember right YOU were ok with her "cuddling" with this friend overnight. Did you think she would wear Dr Denton PJs. What were YOU thinking being OK and how could you be surprised at what would happen???
She didn't cheat unless she promised no sex directly to you.

If that means being non-practicing poly then I will do it.

But that statement is followed up by an almost conviction that she will cheat "again as she put it.".

Lets talk about resentment. Is the resentment that you will fell not as important to YOU. It appears, if she is correct, that you are as monogamous as can be. If that is correct, how do you accept this long term??? I guess its all your responsibility to work it all out with yourself.

Life is a compromise. No one gets everything they want. It appears here, that the decision is already made. You either do poly or divorce because she shows no inclination to work through HER issues. Only you need to do that to please your wife.

It also appears you are on the defensive here just by you coming to a site that is going to be much more sympathetic to her views. I have a good idea what the reaction would be on some much larger sites than this where the deck is not "stacked".

Its great if you can look yourself in the mirror and agree that you really really want to try this. But just like your wife not making any ironclad promises that she will not cheat, I would not make any firm pledges that if you cannot accept this that you will not dissolve the relationship.

This statement that you want to always be together is a nice cliche, but unless something gives the chances of that happening are not great as others have said.

Lastly, I also would be curious to know from your mouth how this "friend" who gleefully had sex with your wife is still in the picture. If he knows that poly is at present causing a threat to your marriage and is still waiting for the OK, i think you might want to reconsider who you call a friend.

I can see why your wife is a bit confused. You stand by that you are not accepting of poly, but then tell her its fine to sleep with another guy, and then after the turmoil hes being included in vacation plans as a threesome, sexual or not on the vacation.

This appears to be a very difficult situation. As your wife said, after saying she probably will cheat if she does not get her way, how do you as she said trust her.

I wish you well, but this looks like a trainwreck unless you cave.
 
Thanks for your reply. I’ve just been reading your thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=122081) and it looks like you basically ended up in the very situation that Dangermouse is afraid of.

I think he is mostly scared of me falling in love. But I’m not sure why. Is it just because he’s scared of losing me? I have so much love to give! I love my husband, my family, my friends. Me loving other people isn’t new. I have had several very intense non sexual friendships where I want to see the person (male or female) all the time and we get very close. I have often joked in those situations how it’s been like having an affair but better because it’s allowed and I can talk to Dangermouse about it and how happy it’s making me. These friendships tend to last a couple of years and then I find someone new. I am a serial monogamous best friend! My relationship with Dangermouse isn’t affected when I’m in a friendship like that. If I threw some kissing or sex into the mix what difference would it make really?

He has read all the theory and says he understands it but just can’t bear it in practice. Which is fair I know. Although he is friends with our mutual friend again, he still says that he thinks about me sleeping with him a lot, it “haunts” him and it’s all he can think of when we are having sex. Honestly I don’t see the evidence of this.or if I do it’s only made out sex life better, so what’s the problem?

He says that me sleeping with someone else gave us the push we needed to make our relationship better, which it absolutely has. I say, let’s keep it up then, it works! He says we’ve had enough of a push now so I shouldn’t want/need it again.

I am willing to not act on this going forward but that isn’t going to stop me from wanting it or resenting him for not letting me.
 
Also re your comment about how Dangermouse is still friends with the guy I slept with - friend was aware that we were having discussions about open marriage and knew Dangermouse had recently kissed a mutual friend in our house with me here. He checked with me “are you sure he’s ok with this?” Before anything happened. At the time I really and truly thought the answer was yes. So friend did nothing wrong. Nothing to forgive. And whilst I would definitely be up for a repeat performance and my husband knows this, he isn’t waiting in the wings. And if anything else did happen it would be firmly in the friends with benefits territory.
 
Thanks everyone for your input.
I've not come on here for any other reason than to get other people's views and try to become more enlighted, maybe learn something that I haven't already considered.
With regards to our mutual friend, there was a miscommunication that night. My wife believed that what she was doing was ok, It really didn't occur to me that they might sleep together. I had total trust that she would go no further than a kiss. The aftermath nearly broke us but I can't deny that after the initial heartbreak our relationship became stronger in certain areas.
The whole 'vacation' thing is not as it seems... there was a group of about 10-15 of us going to a festival and he was in the group. This was arranged before the incident. I wasn't going to go, but after what happened that night I couldn't bear the thought of her spending a weekend away with him being there. The trust had been diminished although it's slowly getting back. I do trust her intentions but I don't trust how alcohol can affect someone's judgement and sometimes people just run away with the moment. If that happened then I don't know where we would be right now. It also took me a while to be able to re-connect with our friend. It took me a lot of effort to get past that mental barrier and hang out with him, but I feel like we are nearly there and infact we are probably closer now in many ways than before.
My wife and I have obviously spoken about splitting up but I feel that is the easy option and we are stronger than that. There has to be some kind of middle ground. I haven't closed the door on her desire for 'friends with benefits' I just can't seem to accept it at the moment. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be able to accept it. If I can change my mindset then I will, it just seems to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. She is willing to compromise and so am I but we have to do it at a pace where we are comfortable with each other and can accept what is happening otherwise I think it will cause irreparable damage.
 
FallenAngelina said:
if you think that the easy path is choosing to separate after decades of marriage, then you clearly have never done it.
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Nope, never done it and don't intend to. Maybe I should have written 'easier' option rather than 'easy'. None of this is easy but in my mind the situation is that we have some obstacles (or whatever you want to call it) in our relationship and rather than give up with what we have built over the past 15 years we need to figure out how to overcome these 'obstacles' in a way that we are both happy with and move forward.
 
Dangermouse

Nope, never done it and don't intend to. Maybe I should have written 'easier' option rather than 'easy'. None of this is easy but in my mind the situation is that we have some obstacles (or whatever you want to call it) in our relationship and rather than give up with what we have built over the past 15 years we need to figure out how to overcome these 'obstacles' in a way that we are both happy with and move forward.


One of the obstacles in your marriage is not you. Your wife has taken the jump in her mind that having very close friends of the opposite sex to fucking them is no big deal and you do not feel that way and are playing KISA. If she is to overcome her obstacles of compromise rather than resentment maybe she needs to also try therapy as to not make that connection so easy. The thread she referred to where a couple was fine with casual flings or swinging but has had a serious deterioration when the wife has no changed the rules should serve as an example of what you need to be prepared COULD happen.

And I am sorry but she has stated that she would be very open to having a repeat performance with your "friend", so having that temptation right in front of her is not going to help her avoid any slip ups and will constantly remind her of what she wants. I think if you go to an impartial therapist, not one hand picked to steer you one way or the other, they will tell you when a sexual happening that was not accepted by one partner happens, mistake or no mistake on communication, it is not a great idea to have the OM or OW constantly around. You are by your own words having mental movies of them having sex, and she is very open to doing it again with him . How having him in your social activities is hard to comprehend when she claims she is trying to stay monogamous and is so strongly convinced that sex is no big deal.

And should you try this with your wife, you need to discuss not only separating or divorcing but have a plan to stop if you still find you cannot accept this. And don't listen to the bull shit that you can never go back to monogamy. if you think everyone who ever has dabbled in swinging, polyamory or any other form of non monogamy has never stopped it you are sadly mistaken.

You two are communicating, which is very positive. No matter what you decide, you do not need to be twisting yourself all in a pretzel solely by yourself. It is also her responsibility to make your relationship work. And i wonder what will happen if you conclude that you are not up for poly. Without some real work on her part, still can't see how it works.
 
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