Special Occasions

V

Vicki82

Active member
This isn't immediately relevant, but it's got some stuff I was thinking about and I wanted to get a variety of opinions.

I currently am in a V relationship where I cohabit with my husband, and see my boyfriend one or two days per week. He's got a busy schedule that isn't all that flexible so we tend to plan around his availability (although we have one standing weekly date that is almost inviolable; we've missed two in a year).

What do most people do about special occasions like birthdays or New Year's? I generally throw a party at my house and invite everyone, so that part is fine. My men get along with each other and they're friends so having them share space isn't a problem, but then the issue that crops up in my head is how do fairly decide who I sleep with afterwards?

This past year, all the immediate special occasions have been shared time with both my partners and then the overnights have been spent with Charles, because he was available for them and Henry pointed out that he gets me all the rest of the time so it feels fair to him. But it doesn't feel fair to me that it should always be that way- then Henry misses out on sharing those nights with me.

I don't really know how to find a good balance. Henry is correct and I agree that I don't get that many nights with Charles overall, it's less than a third of my time since many weeks I only get to see him one night. But it also feels wrong that Henry gets stuck sleeping on his own on New Year's Eve if he doesn't have another partner, or that he doesn't get to sleep with me on my birthday or the like just because he gets me all the other nights. I also recognize though that having Charles come for the festivities on those days and then having to leave late into the night isn't a great option either since he'll be tired and then can't drink etc. Henry's personal space where he sleeps when I have a partner over is messy and he prefers not sharing that, so I'd only have a couch to offer Charles which feels not great.

What do people in similar situations to mine do? Or if you're not, what do you think about the overall situation?

Neither of my partners has seemed to worry about this yet, but it's bothering me a little because I want to make sure they are both happy and all the special occasions are coming up again.
 
Flip a coin?

I've been fortunate that most of my relationships have been far apart and separate. When I was with two people in the same area, one had established relationships and so was busy for holidays. I didn't mind because I could just spend time with the other one. Also, she went to bed early and my other partner was a night owl. That made it easy to see both on my birthday. In fact, I often went out with both on the same day.

Assuming both your guys are communicative, I'd say if it's not broke don't fix it.
 
At this point since I only spend an evening or so a week with Artist, if he’s over for a party it’s assumed that Knight will sleep alone or (now that Joan has moved in) with Joan. It seems unfair from the outside but it makes sense with how our relationship actually works.
 
When I was a full time musician with touring and recording a lot, it can be difficult. Sometimes even just producing and engineering a band at a local studio is time consuming. Before I met Chris and Amanda, my relationships soured really fast because of it. It sucked I had to miss a lot of things. But when I met Chris, then we met Amanda, I was able to have understanding people to be around. Especially Chris, since he works in the music industry himself, so he was able to handle it. Amanda, who doesn't work in the music industry, has been very good with it and very understanding and obviously very supportive of the both of us. But sometimes things have to be sacrificed. There are nights and days where Amanda is home alone while he and I are out doing our jobs in music.
 
Expect persons to state their preference honestly?

This past year, all the immediate special occasions have been shared time with both my partners and then the overnights have been spent with Charles, because he was available for them and Henry pointed out that he gets me all the rest of the time so it feels fair to him.
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You checked in. He says he's cool with it. Why do you have a problem BELIEVING him?

But it doesn't feel fair to me that it should always be that way- then Henry misses out on sharing those nights with me.
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Is it more like YOU miss out on sharing those nights with Henry? If so, frame it that way. Because above? Henry said he's cool with missing those nights so Charles has a chance.

But it also feels wrong that Henry gets stuck sleeping on his own on New Year's Eve if he doesn't have another partner, or that he doesn't get to sleep with me on my birthday or the like just because he gets me all the other nights.
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He's not "getting stuck." Henry says he's fine not sleeping with you on your bday or the like.

Is it that you are upset because you value "holidays" and to Henry it doesn't matter? And you wish Henry would care more about sharing those types of nights with you?

Henry's personal space where he sleeps when I have a partner over is messy and he prefers not sharing that, so I'd only have a couch to offer Charles which feels not great.
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I don't understand what that means. Like if you spend the night with Henry on those nights... you are upset that you don't have nicer guest quarters to offer Charles?

I also recognize though that having Charles come for the festivities on those days and then having to leave late into the night isn't a great option either since he'll be tired and then can't drink etc.
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Can't Charles just be in charge of himself ? Choose not to drink so much and/or leave earlier so he can hit a hotel if he's not spending the night and it's just attend party?

what do you think about the overall situation?

Neither of my partners has seemed to worry about this yet, but it's bothering me a little because I want to make sure they are both happy and all the special occasions are coming up again.
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I think you overthink it. And like you try to map out everyone's stuff instead of letting each person be responsible for their own stuff.

You sound like you already asked them if they are cool with it. Henry seems fine with it. I am guessing Charles is fine with it. Neither partner worries about this stuff. They seem happy.

So why not let it be? Why are YOU picking at it?

Expect each person to state their own preference clearly the first time when the holiday cycle comes round again at your house. THIS year... what do the people prefer? Then just do the holiday cycle.

You don't have to go around checking AGAIN to make sure they REALLY told you the truth. Expect each person to state their preference honestly. Including you.

I'm with vinsanity0. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Galagirl
 
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No, it's not that I specifically miss it, but that I feel if I was Henry that I would not be happy missing out on all the special night sleeping. If he had another partner I wouldn't worry about it but I hate feeling like he is alone those nights.

If there was a better guest room to offer Charles I could still have him sleep over, just not with me. But having not much to offer him means that if he's staying over, everyone is sleeping more comfortably if he is with me. I know he doesn't want to leave late at night not to mention not being able to drink to do so.

I am indeed an overthinker. I worry because I know Henry is a pleaser and he will sell himself short at times if he thinks it will make me happy. He's been working on that.

I wanted other opinions so I could see what other people's arrangements are. I know that there isn't a specifically right and wrong way to do things but having other examples helps I think.
 
No, it's not that I specifically miss it, but that I feel if I was Henry....
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Look at the blue. You could stop right there when you start overthinking like that. Because you are NOT Henry. Let Henry speak for HIMSELF. Stay in your own lane.

If he had another partner I wouldn't worry about it but I hate feeling like he is alone those nights.
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He sounds fine being on his own. You are NOT Henry.

If there was a better guest room to offer Charles I could still have him sleep over, just not with me. But having not much to offer him means that if he's staying over, everyone is sleeping more comfortably if he is with me. I know he doesn't want to leave late at night not to mention not being able to drink to do so.
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So you invite Charles to stay with you in the bedroom if that's what you want for your bday this year.

If you want to spend the night with Henry and Charles doesn't want to spend the night on your couch? And he doesn't want to leave late a night? He can leave the party earlier. This is not a hardship for adults. They can be expected to manage their own selves and how long they stay at a party.

I am indeed an overthinker. I worry because I know Henry is a pleaser and he will sell himself short at times if he thinks it will make me happy. He's been working on that.
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Look at the green. Great! Henry is working on his people pleaser thing. Isn't that good news?

Now look at the red. How about YOU work on your overthinking and stop over-worrying?

Like the blue way above. Learn to recognize when you are doing it and stop yourself. Stay in your own lane.

And HIS thing to work on? That's his thing. Not yours. Let him do his work. You do yours.

I wanted other opinions so I could see what other people's arrangements are. I know that there isn't a specifically right and wrong way to do things but having other examples helps I think.
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Honestly? Your bday. Don't do over-thinking in circles.

Just decide who you want for your bday bed partner this year. And invite them to be.

Let the rest sort out from there.

If what you need is to be reassured that they are both cool with this year's bday arrangements? ASK for the reassurance you need. Then BELIEVE them when they tell you.

I don't know if it helps any. But a family I know doesn't have the space to do bdays at home with lots of guests staying over. So they save to get a hotel room suite thing and invite people to come use the hotel pool to celebrate. Then the day guest people go home, and guests invited to spend the night have lots of comfy space in the suite. That's how that family solves their "wish we had a better guest room" problem.

Galagirl
 
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We handle it the way you have been. If Boy is here, I sleep with him. Exception being if it is Hubby's birthday or date night and Boy is here just to babysit with the bonus of time spent together the next day when date night is over.
 
I used to worry about this a lot - but GalaGirl is correct. You’re getting anxious about an issue that everyone else says isn’t a problem.

My husbands really don’t care who I spend my nights sleeping with, no matter what the calendar says. If they get to see me around the special date, that’s fine. We can get our freak on the day after or two days before, and it doesn’t bother them.

Don’t make a big deal out of something like this, if there is no cause to do so. I think as long as you are respectful of both partners and make sure they feel loved, everything will be fine.
 
I think given the limited sleeping options, it seems reasonable to make it a standard practice to sleep with your boyfriend when he is over and you know it will be a late night or there will be drinking involved, etc.

But I'm also guessing that not all special occasions are like that. Some of them are occasions where you might go out with one partner and the other partner would have to celebrate another day, etc. So my suggestion for all of the special occasions that don't result in boyfriend spending the night is that you consider alternating who gets the actual day, or who celebrates a different day. Or talk to each partner and see if that particular occasion is a bigger deal to one than the other and spend the night with that partner, etc. Even if your guys are saying that they're fine with you always spending the night with your boyfriend, clearly YOU aren't. And you seem to WANT to be able to spend at least some of those nights with your husband. So if that's the case, do it. Advocate for your own wants as well. And if neither of the other guys cares that much, it doesn't have to be a 50/50 split. Maybe you still spend most with boyfriend but occasionally spend some with husband so that you at least don't have to feel guilty that he's putting his own needs last.
 
Hi Vicki,

Just my perception, but it sounds like you need to spend most special occasion nights *but not all* sleeping with Charles. Maybe spend one or two out of every seven special occasion nights sleeping with Henry. This way Charles gets most of them, which helps make up for him getting less regular nights with you, but at the same time Henry doesn't have to miss out on *all* of them. Does that make sense? Basically I agree with breathemusic.

For a bit of perspective, I do not get *any* nights with Snowbunny. Ever. This is because of my snoring. Now I know you will say, how awful that must be for me, but I actually like sleeping alone. Okay, not really alone, the cats sleep with me. The point is, Henry might actually look forward to his nights sleeping by himself, some people are like that. I don't know that that's a fact in your case, but it's conceivable.

Just some thoughts, I hope it helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the thoughts everyone.

Henry prefers sleeping with someone to cuddle. I am not that person and he's managed to adjust to it. I like sleeping with someone but not touching and not sharing bedclothes. We sleep separately some percentage of the time anyway because when he's congested he snores heavily, and this risks me stabbing him in the night with the machete that lives under our bed lol.

I agree this is likely more my issue and maybe I should just let it go and be what it is. I sleep with Charles few enough nights anyway that I'd hate to give one up, but I just wanted to make sure Henry is okay. And if he is okay, then I'll leave it be.

Having other perspectives is definitely helpful.
 
I think it's important to remember that we don't always get to be happy; that's just not a thing. I want all of the things, all of the time, exactly the way I want them, and sometimes that's just not possible. The world keeps turning, regardless of my preference.

So, when I am in a situation like your partners are, and I feel resentment about who is sleeping where, that is a red flag for me. It tells me that I have built up expectations over what I can control with regard to sleeping arrangements; that I have forgotten that I'm not entitled to other people taking action for my happiness. Those expectations are the root of resentment and frustration, certainly when my expectation is centered on what someone else is doing with their life.

It's much more important for me that people are comfortable doing with their time, energy, and bodies as they see fit. I do what I want with mine, and I want my loved ones to do the same. If that doesn't involve me, awesome, go chase your bliss. When I can fully embrace this approach, it tells me that I am managing my expectations and insecurities reasonably.
 
I have never had this dilemma, as I never put a lot of stock into celebrating Western style (based on Christian) holidays on the exact day. Ditto for birthdays.

I'm pagan of the Celtic Wiccan style. Therefore my winter holiday is the solstice on December 21. Pixi and I always do a ritual on that evening, a fire ceremony that is very grounding and peaceful. We have had various guests attend over the years. Before I met Pixi I also did this ritual with my kids, my ex h and any friends who were interested.

Yule is the longest night of the year. Therefore it is both the birth of the sun/son/god and New Year's Eve to me and to Pixi. The Christian Christmas and New Year's Eve days of Dec 25 and 31 are just bonus days for me. We have my son visit for Christmas Eve and Day. We cook and eat a good meal on Xmas Eve, and open presents Xmas morning, and then go out to see a movie, followed by Chinese/Japanese food. New Year's Eve is no big deal. Often Pixi goes to her bf's house and they go to bed at 10, his usual bedtime! I stay up in my own little party watching TV and having special snacks and wine. If I have a bf he might join me.

Birthdays are also skewed because Pixi, my son, and I all have Leo birthdays over a 2 week period. Plus, Pixi works at a camp most of the summer and is often not home for any of our actual birthdays. So, when she is home, the 3 of us fit in a special restaurant meal and gift giving day en masse.

I do go to my son's to the lake near his house every year for a swim and picnic on my actual birthday too.

If I have an extra partner for any holiday or birthday celebration day, we celebrate by inviting them to Yule, or doing my birthday remembrance, or theirs, on any day relatively close to the actual day. I'm really not hung up on actual days! The Xmas holiday is an entire season from Thanksgiving to Jan 1! I enjoy celebrating my birthday for the entire Leo season!

Sleeping with another partner or my nesting partner is never an issue. I don't get the problem. You don't like to touch when sleeping. Henry snores. Charles may be drunk. So, sleep with Charles when he's there, have your drunken sex if that's what you mean by "sleeping with."

On non-holiday days, I've had other partners in my home at bedtime. I will tend to the sexual needs of whoever has them, him, or Pixi, or neither, or both in a row if that's on the minds of me and one or both of them! I'm pretty much always in the mood, so if I have to go from one bed to another and get boy and girl sex, yay!

Where I actually sleep, who cares? I'll make my mind up at the time.
 
Magdlyn said:
I don't get the problem. You don't like to touch when sleeping. Henry snores. Charles may be drunk. So, sleep with Charles when he's there, have your drunken sex if that's what you mean by "sleeping with."
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The problem is that we are generally hosting these events in my shared home with Henry. So I feel like he no longer is getting the post-party fun when Charles always attends and always both has sex with and sleeps with me afterward. It's not the specific date that matters so much as, on the day we celebrate the thing, that Henry doesn't have the cuddles and sex after the party.

We talked about it further yesterday and he does in fact feel like he's missing out a bit, but neither of us really sees a good way around things. Because Henry does get me the vast majority of nights and he recognizes that, so he doesn't feel that it's fair to ask for some of the party nights too. But I also don't want him to feel like he's not getting what he wants as well.

It seems lately that there just aren't always good ways to balance multiple relationships. I try, but I do see where it might pinch a little, and it's certainly not fair if Henry is always the one to lose just because he sees me so much more often. But finding that balance is something I am just not sure of.
 
Vicki, I don't think you're overthinking this. The logistics of these kind of things can be tricky. I'm in a similar situation.

My partner Elijah lives in a big city almost 2 hours away from me. He loves to host parties--it's one of his main interests/hobbies. He hosts big parties for Passover in the spring, his birthday in August, Halloween, and New Year's Eve. Plus smaller dinner parties every other Friday throughout the year (except not so often in the summer).

I don't attend all these parties, but when I do, the distance is too far for me to drive home, and usually it's combined with a full weekend that I'm spending with Elijah.

I very much prefer parallel poly where there isn't much interaction between metamours. I am very solo, very introverted, and don't see Elijah very often anyway, so I prefer not to spend my visits hanging out with metamours.

Elijah also prefers parallel poly and doesn't live with a partner, but he's more social (and sexual!) than me and his friend group always includes some people who are either his exes, his occasional/casual sex partners/FWBs, his platonic but intensely emotional & cuddly best friends, his current crushes, or some combination thereof.

I like all these people and am happy to interact with them at the parties I attend, but they mostly go home at the end of the party (except on rare occasions if they have to crash on the couch).

Since I've been dating Elijah, the only other long-term "serious" relationship he's had was with someone who had 2 or 3 other partners of her own. We coordinated our logistics on Elijah's parties--if I wasn't going to be there, she would plan to stay over; if I was there, she'd attend the party as a "guest" (sometimes with her own date) and make plans to go elsewhere afterwards.

It could have come across as hierarchical, because I sort of had "first dibs" on the parties, but I attend about only half the parties (and almost no Friday night dinners due to my work schedule), so it was never a big deal. That metamour was plenty busy herself. She and Elijah spent a New Year's Eve party together (while I did my own thing elsewhere), then she came as a "guest" to Passover & went home while I stayed over. It seemed to balance out fine.

After a year, their relationship didn't work out (for reasons that had nothing to do with me or party logistics!) and now Elijah is dating someone new who seems to have long-term potential. For the first time since I've known Elijah, the "party logistics" are getting more complicated.

I like my new metamour a lot, but I think she is more a "kitchen table poly" person. She'd be happy with all of us hanging out and all sleeping over (there is an air mattress & guest bedroom to accommodate one of us...we are both straight & not doing threesomes or all sleeping in a bed). But I am not comfortable even with that much togetherness.

We're working on communicating about this.

It seems like most poly people have at least one couple living together, so at some point they get used to one of them having another partner sleep over while their nesting partner is also home. But I haven't done that yet! It feels more awkward than I expected.
 
Vicki82 said:
The problem is that we are generally hosting these events in my shared home with Henry. So I feel like he no longer is getting the post-party fun when Charles always attends and always both has sex with and sleeps with me afterward. It's not the specific date that matters so much as, on the day we celebrate the thing, that Henry doesn't have the cuddles and sex after the party.
... I also don't want him to feel like he's not getting what he wants as well.

It seems lately that there just aren't always good ways to balance multiple relationships. I try, but I do see where it might pinch a little, and it's certainly not fair if Henry is always the one to lose just because he sees me so much more often. But finding that balance is something I am just not sure of.
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And why can't you have sex with both men after a party? If they both want it (and you do, of course). First one, then the other? Fall asleep with the second guy, but in the early morning, get up to go pee, and crawl in with the first guy? That's more what I used to do with a certain polycule I had a while back, where my non-nesting partner had a 40 minute drive to home, so he'd spend the night if he visited.

So, say you do kind of a quickie with Henry, then go be with Charles? Impossible? I love double dipping.
 
So, I've definitely been mulling this thread over and making sure I pay a lot of attention to my Vs dynamics with this. I'm going to split it up with sex and sleep for my brain.

SLEEP

Sleeping arrangements day to day:

I try to sleep with both. B has a horrid schedule so I can only do it on days he's off. Because for work he's usually up at 2am, even on nights he's off he will sometimes fall asleep at like...9pm. I usually pop off at 11. His room is not set up for me to easily spend those extra hours on my computer or phone. And, honestly, my mattress is more comfortable. So I switch off depending on schedules and my mood. We do all live together though, so that affects things. Honestly, 90% of my nights are with Z. I've talked to B and he both understands and doesn't mind. Z doesn't mind when I don't sleep with him either.

Special occasions:

(Assuming sleep schedules agree for all of these situations) I sleep with the person who the special occasion is aimed at. Birthday? I camp with the birthday boy.
Yule (Christmas): I switch off years, one gets Christmas eve, one gets Yule day, and then switch the next year.
Every other one day one is switched via year, and of course emotional needs at that time. If you got it last year, but you need my comfort more than the other, I'll be with you.



SEX

I'm highly sexual so I'm almost always up for multiple times a day. After a party, we'll either threeway (two birds, one stone), or I've be with one, and then after that the other. I'll even do it where I have one in the AM before the party and the other in the PM after.

They know I do my absolute best to keep things even; but they also now I'm human. If they want sex from me, they have to make it known too. I'm not a mind reader, and also not here to do 100% of the effort, YKWIM?


Really talk things out with them, find out what their preferences are, discuss what yours are. It's 100% OKAY AND NORMAL to have a sleeping, and even sex, preference. You can love people equally, but not love sleeping in the same bed.

One thing that may be a good option for you if you can swing it/want it, is you all have your own rooms/beds. So it's not you having to swap between, but they get to come to you.
 
Magdlyn said:
And why can't you have sex with both men after a party? If they both want it (and you do, of course). First one, then the other? Fall asleep with the second guy, but in the early morning, get up to go pee, and crawl in with the first guy? That's more what I used to do with a certain polycule I had a while back, where my non-nesting partner had a 40 minute drive to home, so he'd spend the night if he visited.

So, say you do kind of a quickie with Henry, then go be with Charles? Impossible? I love double dipping.
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That's an idea, actually. I wouldn't mind a threesome but we haven't gotten to that level of comfort yet. It might work for me to have sex with Henry and then go to bed with Charles afterwards. I should ask them what they think about that.
 
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