CURRENT AGREEMENT WITH B
- Light swinging with the 2 partners you both already have starting up again in mid September with a view to easing you back into swinging again after the vulvodynia stuff.
- You will work on your abandonment/anxiety issues. You will do it by.... ?
- B will read the poly info you sent and actually talk to you about it. Reading schedule is....? Talk about poly preparation happens on....?
That sounds like the
start of agreements... but not really listing the how-to part of it.
What do you do about anger? You write a lot about fear and anxiety... but do you ever get mad at some of this stuff?
I guess I don’t trust him to not become absorbed in it all and poo poo my feelings, as happened last time initially, until I literally had some kind of emotional breakdown.
Is that part of why your inner child doesn't trust you to protect her?
Do you poo poo and minimize your own feelings? Or try to avoid/ignore/pretend it isn't happening til it is no longer ignorable?
B has suggested that I meet our male play partner on my own and go out with M as B thinks that giving me this freedom will make me see there is no danger and will help me to loosen up a bit about it all. I’m not sure this is the right thing to do. I’m not sure if I should have my stuff more worked out before I do this or if he is right. I am tempted by dating M but also don’t want to get in over my head as although this may be ok initially B will soon then expect the same in return – ie being able to date women separately and my fear is I will end up with the break down thing again
I would say go ahead and do it. Stop being so latched on to B like he's your life preserver. Don't let the anxiety spin it bigger than what it is. A coffee date with M? Is just 30 min coffee.
When the agreement right now is
easing you into things? Coffee date seems like "easing into it" territory. It can be just one time. You don't have to
marry M after the coffee, you know.
If B wants to finagle a simple coffee date into him leaping into crazy marathon dating other women at break neck speed? Call it what it is. It's a deal breaker. Because that's not "easing into" anything. That's going bananas. And you are not into that.
Then you can either Close again or flat out dump B.
Not cuz you are defective somehow. But because HE is not easy to cooperate with when he doesn't keep his agreements. If you cannot trust him at his Word? Don't.
You sound ok enough dumping him before he dumps you. Not FUN, but ok enough.
You just don't like being dumped by the other person because it triggers your abandonment stuff.
For some reason although I enjoyed the attraction the whole thing felt a bit threatening to my relationship with B in that it was almost as if the something were saying to me – you don’t have to do non-mog, there are loads of other men out there who would love to be with you, it was like something inside me was going to force me to leave B even though I don’t want to – sorry this probably doesn’t make much sense but I hope you get the gist.
Nothing is FORCING you to leave B. But I think you are being called to outgrow a previous thought though. Like before?
You valued being
really latched on to B and would get anxious when anything threatened the relationship with B.
You trying this non-monogamy thing on? You are trying to challenge that.
M being interested? Showed you that there are other people in the world attracted to you. Like you don't actually have to be THIS latched on to B. Also challenges that.
You seem to have had the first thought:
"There are other men out there who are into me that I could practice monogamy with. I don't have to be with B like he's the only person who will ever be into me. I don't have to do non-monogamy just to keep B around."
I'm not sure if you had the next thought yet.
"I could explore non-monogamy without B if I want. Because if my way of doing non-monogamy at my speed isn't compatible with B's way of doing it at his speed? Fine. We can part ways. I can still find other people to practice non-monogamy with."
Both those new thoughts require you to outgrow this old thought:
"I really value being super duper latched on to B."
and adopt a new thought:
"I can do stuff on my own. I can stand on my own two feet. I don't have to be so latched on to B. I can be with B without super latch. I can be without B and not fall apart."
If you and B stick together? It's a healthier way to relate with the new thought. Like side by side, holding hands because you
want to be together.
Not like you are the anxiety monster latched on to him super tight so you can sit on top of his head and he can hold you up out of the water. When you know how to "swim" already? You don't have to do that.
Learn to be your own stability source. If you guys end up apart? You aren't plunged into despair because you lost your life raft person.
I think that's the part that's missing in all this that would help with your anxiety. Knowing you can stand on your own two feet, and take care of yourself, and cope with life as it comes.
And if your partner does stupid behavior? Like get all NRE lala crazy AGAIN after you already had an emotional breakdown the last time? Because you were trying to raise the flag and make him aware this was too much and he kept on ignoring you and it got bigger and bigger and blew up?
I think you could make a decision. That you ARE NOT going to put up with that behavior again. Because you don't need a
new break down. Any new nonsense like that? You are out the door and B can kiss your grits.
I think your inner child would freak out less if she could
trust you to take care of her and you and get yourself OUT of weird situations faster. Be more firm in what you will and will not put up with.
Like you don't have to live your life with one foot out the door all the time. Never trusting anything or anyone. But neither do you have to be a doormat putting up will all sorts of shenanigans. YKWIM? Find a balance.
Would me sampling the waters by dating M help me get more relaxed and feel the advantages in poly for myself or would I be attempting to walk across the amazon jungle with in a sundress and sandals with a small bottle of evian?
I notice you write really dramatic. Could just have been a more "medium volume" like
"Should I try dating M at this time to help me get more relaxed about poly dating? And try to see the advantages of poly dating for myself? Or is that more than I can take on right now?"
If basically you aren't ready yet? Starting to swing again is enough on your plate? Don't go there yet. Ask M or some other person out LATER after September. Don't make it bigger than what it is.
If you want to see B make good on agreements first? Like show some actual PREPARATION work with reading and talking first and not just "jump in and start poly dating people?" Tell him no. You aren't gonna ask M out til you see some action on these agreements on the table. Otherwise it's all talk no show from B.
If you think B is rushing you to date M so he can take it like reason to leap in and date women all crazy again? You CAN handle it. You just decide you will nip it in the bud this time rather than let it fester til you have an emotional break down.
Less avoidant, more assertive.
Do a better job of taking care of you and the inner child you.
Galagirl
