Is it ok that...?

T

TwistedUp

New member
Recently, I have been given the ok to start a relationship with a woman I have loved for years but kept it to myself. Her husband has been in the Poly lifestyle for about 13 years and decided that he wanted more than she was able to deliver, and that it would be ok if she went looking as well.

In short, she confessed herself to me and we decided that we would like to proceed as we both loved each other very much but had kept tit hidden from one another due to propriety. She was in a relationship when we met and I am married, and then she married someone else. Very complicated.

Now as she and I get closer to our time together, her husband has started making rules for her that feel way outside what normal guidelines of being Poly.

He made these requests: Always wear a condom, do not spend more time with me than himself. I agreed, wholeheartedly.

Then I made my one and only request...do not dictate how our relationship goes. As our relationship is going to be along DD/lg lines.

This apparently was recently shot down and he told her that she is no longer allowed to say to me:

I love you
I miss you
I need you
Or any words of affection of this type.

My only option is to accept this or go.
 
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Hello TwistedUp,

This woman's husband is clearly stepping outside the bounds of what is fair or reasonable. It is up to her to tell him no. If she doesn't tell him no, then you'll have to decide whether his restrictions are something you can live with. And I have the feeling that more restrictions will be coming down the pike. :( He is having an extreme jealousy reaction.

Sorry you are caught in this difficult situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello TwistedUp,

This woman's husband is clearly stepping outside the bounds of what is fair or reasonable. It is up to her to tell him no. If she doesn't tell him no, then you'll have to decide whether his restrictions are something you can live with. And I have the feeling that more restrictions will be coming down the pike. :( He is having an extreme jealousy reaction.

Sorry you are caught in this difficult situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your input.
 
TwistedUp said:
Recently, I have been given the ok to start a relationship with a woman I have loved for years but kept it to myself. Her husband has been in the Poly lifestyle for about 13 years and decided that he wanted more than she was able to deliver, and that it would be ok if she went looking as well.

In short, she confessed herself to me and we decided that we would like to proceed as we both loved each other very much but had kept tit hidden from one another due to propriety. She was in a relationship when we met and I am married, and then she married someone else. Very complicated.

Now as she and I get closer to our time together, her husband has started making rules for her that feel way outside what normal guidelines of being Poly.

He made these requests: Always wear a condom, do not spend more time with me than himself. I agreed, wholeheartedly.

Then I made my one and only request...do not dictate how our relationship goes. As our relationship is going to be along DD/lg lines.

This apparently was recently shot down and he told her that she is no longer allowed to say to me:

I love you
I miss you
I need you
Or any words of affection of this type.

My only option is to accept this or go.
Click to expand...

Her h claims to be in the "poly lifestyle" and has been for 13 years? But I'm confused since you say it was just recently he decided to start dating others. Can you clarify?

Be that as it may, if he's into polyAMORY, he should know that that means many loves. So saying, "I love you," is part of the package. But now he's getting all possessive and acting like a dick.

Why?
 
Magdlyn said:
Her h claims to be in the "poly lifestyle" and has been for 13 years? But I'm confused since you say it was just recently he decided to start dating others. Can you clarify?

Be that as it may, if he's into polyAMORY, he should know that that means many loves. So saying, "I love you," is part of the package. But now he's getting all possessive and acting like a dick.

Why?
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Before they were married, he had been Poly and Married to another woman and Poly while not married to others for a total of 13 years. And as far as I knew, he frequented forums similar to this one and followed their "rules" which flummoxed me....as I understood it there were no rules, only agreements. This goes way back to the early days of the internet when I was being taught how my heart worked by Shelby, one of the early pioneers of the Polyamory lifestyle on the net.

When they were wed, they wanted to be Mono and after a year, it turns out they both have needs the other is not meeting. This opened things up to him telling her she could go find other lovers when they moved. This, naturally, was because he was looking as he had a different sex drive to hers and needed something else.

Now as for WHY he's acting like this, I do not know. She has not been able to talk to me as he declared that he had a couple of vacation days and that they were to spend as much time together as possible and she was to focus on him. Until Friday I cannot get more information nor can I really talk to her. If I were forced to surmise, I believe it is because of the way his last marriage ended. His previous wife was poly as was Heathmont nd she took up with another man and neglected him, had no sex with him, was less around than he wanted. And when he asked for counseling she declined. After some time he gave up asking her and demanded a divorce, which she THEN became interested in counseling. He simply said, too late.

Being on the outside like this means I have to accept whatever terms I am told or get lost. I am not in a position to make any demands and have capitulated to everything. This latest thing may be the last straw and make me go because one of my languages is speaking and reaffirming with deeds and words. Take that away and I am left as I am now...hurting deeply because I know what's coming.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle. I'm confused on some of who said what to who. So I might be getting some of this wrong.

Now as she and I get closer to our time together, her husband has started making rules for her that feel way outside what normal guidelines of being Poly.
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Why's she telling you all her problems from that side of the V? Rather than telling her husband that these rules he's wanting feel outside the normal to her and that she's not up for them?

She could solve her problems on that side of the V over THERE on that side of the V without involving you. Sounds a little bit like sloppy hinge to me.

Then I made my one and only request...do not dictate how our relationship goes. As our relationship is going to be along DD/lg lines.
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Made the request to WHO? I am guessing the lady?

This apparently was recently shot down
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So she told the husband she is gonna do DD/lg with you and he doesn't like that? Why's she even telling him? Every dyad needs some privacy. Husband doesn't need to know you like that kink. Just like you don't need to know her husband likes doing it doggy style or whatever it is he likes.

Does she WANT him to dictate her other relationships?

So now he tells the wife (your potential GF) that she is no longer allowed to say these things to you:

  • I love you
  • I miss you
  • I need you
  • Or any words of affection of this type.

Did she agree to these things even though they are going to affect you? Is she all "my husband makes me do this and that" about it? Does she take personal responsibility for her choices?

If you are not willing for him to dictate how the details of the (you + her) relationship go on this side of the V? Like sharing safer sex practices like condoms being in place is one thing, but him micromanaging everything is another?

Then I think you have let this go. Not because he's overbearing. (Even though I think he sounds like he is.)

But because she doesn't keep agreements with you about not letting him dictate and she overshares the details from THIS side of the V over there. Sloppy hinge.

She might be willing to date you, but she is not yet able to keep her two relationships separate. She is not able to tell him "No. I do not agree to that. I am willing to do ___ but I am not willing for you to micromanage or dictate my other relationships."

At this time? He might be willing to do poly so he can date others, but he sounds like he's still hung up on the poly ex that broke agreements with him. So now he's hovering over his current wife too much and not trusting her. But she's not his ex. It's not right to punish her for whatever ex did. So... I am not sure they're really ready to poly date from a healthy place. Because they don't sound like they have sorted all that baggage out between them before involving other people in their poly network. Jumped the gun maybe.

Being on the outside like this means I have to accept whatever terms I am told or get lost. I am not in a position to make any demands and have capitulated to everything.
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Why do you capitulate to everything? Esp if the terms do not suit you?

You don't have to accept whatever dating offer comes along from this lady. You have a voice in who you want in YOUR poly network.

She is offering you a very limited, stilted dating offer where the husband wants to be all up in it. She's willing to allow it. Is this fun sounding to you? Nope.

If you have a personal boundary where you do NOT want your meta all up in it? And she offers you an arrangement where the meta IS all up in it? Her dating offer just doesn't meet your personal standard. You don't have to just accept it. You can say " No, thanks. Not a good enough dating offer for me."

You loved her from a distance for years. Return to that and don't try to love her up close. If up close it looks all messy and full of baggage? Because she doesn't have good personal boundaries with her spouse? Call it bullet dodged and skip the drama. Step back.

I can imagine it is a big disappointment. Yet everyone you date (or almost date) is not gonna be a long haul runner. That's part of the point of dating. Figuring out who is actually compatible and who is not.

Galagirl
 
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I always feel sorry for people who attempt to date poly newbies (I've been there!). It so often disappoints. And the new lover is caught in the crosshairs of the battling couple, as collateral damage.

I've given up on trying to date newbies.
 
TwistedUp said:
Then I made my one and only request...do not dictate how our relationship goes. As our relationship is going to be along DD/lg lines.
Click to expand...
Your kink dynamic is really beside the point, as I see it. Her husband is uber threatened by you, plain and simple. It's nothing more complicated than a ram wanting to butt heads with another male for territorial control. Dressing it all up in poly and kink terms only confuses things. This guy does not want to share his woman with you. Period. Don't be fooled by his so-called vast experience. I've seen experienced poly people mess up royally and I've watched newbies sail in with grace and joy. Go by what your heart and your gut are telling you. This guy's rules are nothing more than attempts to mask his fear that you will steal the heart of his woman from him.
 
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It sounds to me like the guy has never had a lasting relationship. There is probably a reason for that.

We often talk about people not being a good hinge. I think this is a good example of that. She is allowing him to dictate the rules of your relationship, which you have indicated is a boundary if yours. Now it's up to you to decide what to do about that.
 
JAA8Pk

Thank you all for your input. Though some of it was arrogant and demeaning I appreciate what was said. At this time I’ve decided to step away from this lady who pursued me then let me down and battle with my inner drives in seclusion.

It appears to me that this is the only real solution as I’ve been rebuffed by being told,”I’m only accepting this since I know it’s not forever.” But it shows I’m not worth sticking up for and the end date for this is not up for discussion.

Oh well.
 
TwistedUp said:
Thank you all for your input. Though some of it was arrogant and demeaning I appreciate what was said. At this time I’ve decided to step away from this lady who pursued me then let me down and battle with my inner drives in seclusion.

It appears to me that this is the only real solution as I’ve been rebuffed by being told,”I’m only accepting this since I know it’s not forever.” But it shows I’m not worth sticking up for and the end date for this is not up for discussion.

Oh well.
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You think some of the replies were arrogant and demeaning? Everyone who replied was supporting your side.

Sorry it worked out that way. Obviously she wasn't ready to have a polyamorous relationship.
 
I was really disappointed that she wasn't sticking up for the (you+her) side of the V.

I’ve been rebuffed by being told,”I’m only accepting this since I know it’s not forever.” But it shows I’m not worth sticking up for and the end date for this is not up for discussion.
Click to expand...

What does she MEAN? :confused:

  • Like she puts up with him hovering over her other relationships because she plans to leave him? So it isn't forever?

  • Or like she knows you aren't forever, so it doesn't really matter how you get treated?

Either way, it's a raw deal for you. I'm sorry you have to step back but I think it's best for you to do so at this time. You are not obligated to put up with other people's weird.

Even though she pursued you? It doesn't sound like she has the weird things at home sorted out with her husband. Not really. So maybe she was jumping the gun in asking you out.

Got your hopes up only to crash down. That's a bummer. :(

Galagirl
 
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