Opening up a marriage

[BrookeA18]

Little back story, my husband and I have been together for a little over 4 years now and married for a year. We’ve had our ups and downs like any other relationship but we get along really well and I would be lost without him.

For as long as I can remember though I have always had this feeling of something missing in my life and like there has been a void that I didn’t know how to fill. About 2 almost 3 years ago now we started talking to this other girl and decided to have a threesome and had started researching into the poly world. All of a sudden that void I felt made sense and went away. My husband had a agreed to a triad and life was pretty great. Then all of a sudden he changed his mind so we ended things with her, and she ended up moving to Texas for a new job soon after. My husband and I never really talked about it after that and I just closed off again and thought maybe there was something wrong with me and that I needed to just get over it and be happy in a mono relationship.

A year later I brought it up to him again and he said no that he didn’t think he could be in that kind of relationship. I let it go again after that. About 7 months ago now I brought it up again and asked him to do some research and to try to at least understand how I was feeling. It’s not like it was something new I was bringing up and feeling. It had been going on for a while and it obviously wasn’t going to just go away. I started doing a lot of research myself and joined this forum and a Facebook group. Trying to find ways to help him understand how I feel and figure out how to start opening our relationship up a little.

He is strictly mono or at least that’s what he’s been telling me but when we just last talked he said he might be willing to try to go on a date too just to see what it’s like so he might be opening up a little bit more and is at least getting to the point where he is willing to try. The question is though where do we start. Still doing a lot of research and just talking about things. I want to start talking about boundaries and rules we just haven’t made it there yet. I just ordered a book for us to read together as well and hoping that helps some too. I want to go at his pace and make this as easy for him as I can and take things slow but at the same time I’m struggling a little going this slow with things because I’m so excited to try this and ready to jump in. I’m ready for this feeling to be gone again.

Any advice at all is welcome and appreciated. Thank you for reading and for any advice in advance!!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Brooke,

You might want to try OKCupid, it is poly-friendly, and say in your profile that you are poly and have a consenting husband. This way if someone's interested, they can know ahead of time what they are signing up for.

It sounds like your husband is opening up to poly just a little bit, I know it is hard to go slow but try to keep doing that, if you go fast it might cause your husband to get cold feet, and you don't want that to happen.

It can be hard to make the switch to poly when you have been mono all your life, and plus your husband might be hardwired for monogamy. Although, he did agree to a triad at one time, so that is hopeful. You'll have to see how things go.

Hopefully this helps, and hopefully others will chime in as well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Brooke,

You have a 12 hour edit window. Would you mind breaking your OP up into paragraphs for ease of reading? You'll get more responses that way!

 

[BrookeA18]

Thanks for the feedback so far! I broke it up a little so hopefully that helps some!!

Will definitely have to give okcupid a try! Thank you!

 

[GalaGirl]

Could you be willing to clarify? I'm not sure I get some parts.

My husband and I never really talked about it after that and I just closed off again and thought maybe there was something wrong with me and that I needed to just get over it and be happy in a mono relationship.

A year later I brought it up to him again and he said no that he didn’t think he could be in that kind of relationship. I let it go again after that.

About 7 months ago now I brought it up again and asked him to do some research and to try to at least understand how I was feeling.

I could be wrong... but you and spouse don't seem to be deep talking much. Or not really listening to what is said maybe? To me it sounds like he's been telling you he's not into this.

Is it that you want to be able to talk to your spouse about your poly thoughts and feelings? Like Open enough for you so you aren't going around bottled up? But still Closed enough for him? Because there aren't more partners here?

Or do you want to be free TO pursue poly dating stuff? But struggle because he wants to be free FROM poly dating stuff and neither one wants to break up? But then being here sucks for somebody -- whichever partner is the one suppressing or not getting to do what they really want to do?

Is it something else?

He is strictly mono or at least that’s what he’s been telling me but when we just last talked he said he might be willing to try to go on a date too just to see what it’s like so he might be opening up a little bit more and is at least getting to the point where he is willing to try.

Why don't you believe him when he says he is strictly mono? Didn't he already try this before with the triad previous partner? Does he lie?

The question is though where do we start. Still doing a lot of research and just talking about things. I want to start talking about boundaries and rules we just haven’t made it there yet. I just ordered a book for us to read together as well and hoping that helps some too. I want to go at his pace and make this as easy for him as I can and take things slow but at the same time I’m struggling a little going this slow with things because I’m so excited to try this and ready to jump in. I’m ready for this feeling to be gone again.

Well... be careful you are not in such a rush that you don't pay attention to his words and put cart before horse.

If he wants strict monogamy? He doesn't want any poly stuff? You rushing to make agreements and get out there to poly date again isn't actually addressing the incompatibility problem. It might compound it or ruin any chance at being good exes and friends if you don't listen closely.

If the problem is that you two want different things from life and have grown apart? You want poly and he doesn't? You bending yourself into pretzels to do Closed to make him happy or avoid a break up? That is you dinging you. And him bending himself into pretzels to do Open to make you happy or avoid a break up? That is him dinging him. That can become a breeding ground for resentments.

Before involving new dating partners, I think you and spouse could start by having a VERY honest heart to heart talk.

It's not good for you to be stuffing things down and faking whatever just to keep the marriage relationship going. But it's not good for him to be doing that either.

It may be you have to talk about sharing a new relationship together -- of being exes and friends. NOT make any poly dating agreements, but instead talk about ending the romance. So you can each be free to pursue what you want in life. You free to pursue polyamory and him free to pursue strict monogamy.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

My husband and I never really talked about it after that and I just closed off again and thought maybe there was something wrong with me and that I needed to just get over it and be happy in a mono relationship.

A relationship is not "getting along very well" if you both feel threatened by talking about something as huge as feelings around a former shared lover.

He is strictly mono or at least that’s what he’s been telling me but when we just last talked he said he might be willing to try to go on a date too ...

Don't go anywhere near a dating site or a person, for that matter. Your husband isn't joyfully opening up to poly, he is monogamous but is afraid of losing you, so is willing to explore whatever it takes not to.

To get on the right path, you must first be honest about where you are. Whatever you do, do not jump into involving others until you and your husband have come to peaceful and honest place about where each of you are. Choices made in fear in order to avoid loss never take us to where we want to go. Choices made in serenity and honesty do.

 

[vinsanity0]

A relationship is not "getting along very well" if you both feel threatened by talking about something as huge as feelings around a former shared lover.




Don't go anywhere near a dating site or a person, for that matter. Your husband isn't joyfully opening up to poly, he is monogamous but is afraid of losing you, so is willing to explore whatever it takes not to.

To get on the right path, you must first be honest about where you are. Whatever you do, do not jump into involving others until you and your husband have come to peaceful and honest place about where each of you are. Choices made in fear in order to avoid loss never take us to where we want to go. Choices made in serenity and honesty do.

I agree with this. I cringe when people say they "want to try it out". "It" being another person, like they are a piece of clothing to be discarded if it doesn't work out.

 

[Vicki82]

I agree with this. I cringe when people say they "want to try it out". "It" being another person, like they are a piece of clothing to be discarded if it doesn't work out.

What Vinsanity said. So if you go out and start dating again, and your husband tells you that he's not into this, what happens to that poor new partner? Collateral damage with people's hearts isn't a nice thing.

 

[MeeraReed]

I agree with this. I cringe when people say they "want to try it out". "It" being another person, like they are a piece of clothing to be discarded if it doesn't work out.

On the one hand, I totally agree with this. But on the other hand, people who are single are allowed to "try" dating, aren't they?

People do this all the time. If you're getting over an ex and aren't sure of you're ready to date yet, but maybe you try dating and see what happens. If you haven't dated in a while & you're happy being single but are curious if you'll remember what you're missing, you try dating. If you're trying to figure out your sexuality, or asexuality, or queerness, or kinkiness, etc, you can try dating to explore and figure things out.

In all of those scenarios, you might end up deciding that it doesn't work for you and you have to end it with someone. You might break someone's heart. But...we're allowed to, it happens. Do we think of it as "discarding" someone if it doesn't work out? Do we think of it as unethical?

I agree that it bothers me when couples "try" opening up and get involved with other people only to end things when they feel like it. But why is this worse than someone who's single doing the same thing?

 

[kdt26417]

Good points, MeeraReed.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree that it bothers me when couples "try" opening up and get involved with other people only to end things when they feel like it. But why is this worse than someone who's single doing the same thing?

I think it's "worse" because, as so often happens, it's not fully the choice of your dating partner to break it off. Say I start talking to a guy who also has a longer term gf. Maybe not that long term. Maybe 5 months.

So we chat online a while, we seem to click. We go on a coffee date and have a great time, conversation is easy, we laugh, we share some interesting and moving stories about ourselves, compliments, we end up with some very nice kisses down the alley from the coffee shop. We make a plan for another date. We linger at the bus stop, much eye contact, a last kiss. The bus arrives and he gets on.

Then a week later, he gets in touch and says he won't make the date, or see me again actually, because his gf was jealous/possessive/decided she can date others but he can't/is generally freaking out. So it's extra frustrating because the guy and I got along great, but the gf is vetoing. And he's a newbie, and scared and unsure of what he's doing, so he just capitulates to his gf's wishes since he doesn't see he has any other choice.

And then I find out, a couple months later, he broke up with HER because of her need to control what he does, and he still he doesn't get back in touch with me because he's embarrassed by his shit behavior to me (it seems) despite the fun and the initial chemistry. And I realize he has started dating someone else instead! And I'm all, "But hey! I was there first!" lol

True story.

 

[vinsanity0]

On the one hand, I totally agree with this. But on the other hand, people who are single are allowed to "try" dating, aren't they?

People do this all the time. If you're getting over an ex and aren't sure of you're ready to date yet, but maybe you try dating and see what happens. If you haven't dated in a while & you're happy being single but are curious if you'll remember what you're missing, you try dating. If you're trying to figure out your sexuality, or asexuality, or queerness, or kinkiness, etc, you can try dating to explore and figure things out.

In all of those scenarios, you might end up deciding that it doesn't work for you and you have to end it with someone. You might break someone's heart. But...we're allowed to, it happens. Do we think of it as "discarding" someone if it doesn't work out? Do we think of it as unethical?

I agree that it bothers me when couples "try" opening up and get involved with other people only to end things when they feel like it. But why is this worse than someone who's single doing the same thing?

Who says it's worse? It's not right to use people no matter what relationship model you use.

We all go on dates with the possibility that it won't work out. Usually there are reasons. I think it's pretty rare that a single person starts dating someone, gets along with them, falls in love, then just dumps them. If they do, then we see that as a shitty thing to do.

It's the same for poly. Not every date we go on leads to a long lasting relationship. But to enter into a relationship knowing that another person could put an end to it is definitely not taking into account the feelings of the "third". That's the ultimate in couple-centric thinking: "Oh well, screw them, at least we still have each other."

 

[MeeraReed]

Who says it's worse? It's not right to use people no matter what relationship model you use.

We all go on dates with the possibility that it won't work out. Usually there are reasons. I think it's pretty rare that a single person starts dating someone, gets along with them, falls in love, then just dumps them. If they do, then we see that as a shitty thing to do.

It's the same for poly. Not every date we go on leads to a long lasting relationship. But to enter into a relationship knowing that another person could put an end to it is definitely not taking into account the feelings of the "third". That's the ultimate in couple-centric thinking: "Oh well, screw them, at least we still have each other."

I see, that makes sense. The issue is that when a couple is experimenting with poly, they often leap into love/commitment with another person, only to decide later that they want to go back to mono.

Whereas a single person who is experimenting with dating would likely end the new relationship before it gets very far along--before falling in love, etc.

And the single person is likely to be aware and honest about the fact that they are in an experimental/uncertain/uncommitted phase--whereas the poly person might be all gung-ho jumping into commitment, and then abandoning a very confused partner when their spouse pulls the plug on poly.

Thanks for clarifying that. Sorry to sidetrack the OP's thread.