Vicki's Journey Continues...

Another perspective might be: instead of addressing the issues he raised, you dismissed him. He's white, he's male, he's cis, he's conservative, he's in a blue collar field, he's in a predominantly male field, which (Henry says) is a place of black and white thinking.

Mightn't Old Friend have good cause to feel invalidated and dismissed and marginalized by you and Henry? You have literally dismissed him or anything he has to say, not on the value of the ideas, but on his race, gender, and job.

Another fair question is: Is this the point of conversation and friendship? To always validate the other? Sure, sometimes we want that, but is there room for honest conversation and sharing of ideas and perspectives? Or do we just remove everyone from our lives who doesn't agree with us?

And if the point of conversation was validation--shouldn't you also have validated him? By his own words, he felt deliberately misunderstood, so I doubt he felt validated, either.

In what way did he scare you?

At this point, you need to decide if you value him as a person or if you value maintaining friendships only with those who agree with you on everything.

It really sounds like you didn't read my post at all.

One of the things I enjoy about this friendship is THAT we don't see things the same way. I enjoy having discussions with him, because up until this point we really could come at the same issue from totally opposite sides and leave with a better understanding of the other's position. Old friend is an intelligent person and I have always enjoyed our conversations. I love to argue (and by that I mean discuss), so the echo chamber is not a place I generally reside :)

The part where it became problematic, was as fuchka said, where I felt that he wasn't listening to me at all or valuing what I had to say. I'm totally cool with him thinking polyamory is a sin or whatnot. What I'm not okay with is being treated like I don't even matter as a human being.

I gave those elements of his background for further understanding. Most of the time, it's not relevant in my interactions with him which was why this particular conversation knocked me for such a loop that I'm still upset about it a week later. I have never felt like I HAD to notice those things about him before, relevant to his actions.

I am happy to listen to Old friend whenever he wants to discuss things and he can hold whatever opinion he likes as long as he remembers he is talking to a human being and that my opinion is equally as valid as his. That was the part he wasn't fulfilling. I don't think I am expecting too much literally from a stranger, let alone someone who has been in my life dearly for 20+ years.
 
That's really hard, Vicki. I'm sorry you've been knocked in this way. I don't have anything much to say, really, just hugs. I think you have a good sense of what you feel and why. It's just, sad. I think it's a good idea to touch base before your birthday and see how it goes.

Did you feel like your old friend wasn't really listening to you? Was reframing your views instead of hearing what you were saying? That wouldn't work for me at all. Are you both able to "assume good faith" in conversations and do you both see value in truly understanding the other person's perspective? I'd want those things in a friendship.

I had to really think about this one. Usually, I think that we do both hear each other in good faith and simply accept that we have different frames of reference. I often contact him about political stuff when something seems entirely one sided to me because I know he'll be able to explain the opposing view in a way that while I may not agree with it, I will at least be able to see the point. This time? No, he didn't try to understand me. He got angry that I held a different view and started to attack and belittle me when I didn't fall in with his opinion. Hence my comment, acting like an angry white guy on the internet. He's never been like that before.

Thanks for the support. I will try and speak to him again before the fall and hopefully that will go better.

Keep in mind that those brain weasels are probably lurking about so this may be hitting you harder than usual. My partner Ray is depressive and I Know how you feel trying not to sink into the slough of despond along with your partner.

Try for a less emotional talk with your friend before your birthday and see how it goes.

Leetah

Thanks Leetah. Yes, it's probably not helping. Today in particular has been bad. I'm just feeling unhappy and overwhelmed, and I'm definitely letting things get to me more than they should. I spent today in bed with a book and totally blew the diet.
 
It really sounds like you didn't read my post at all.

….
ooooof course I didn't. Because if I did I would agree with you, right? Because if I did, I wouldn't possibly see any other side to the story, even though you said you wanted other perspectives.

The part where it became problematic, was as fuchka said, where I felt that he wasn't listening to me at all or valuing what I had to say.

….as long as he remembers he is talking to a human being and that my opinion is equally as valid as his. That was the part he wasn't fulfilling.
The other perspective is...were you listening to him at all? Were you valuing what he had to say? Did you remember you were talking to a human being and that his opinion is equally valid to yours?

You yourself asked for other perspectives. I took time from my day to offer another perspective and you accused me of not reading. I'm left thinking that what you really wanted was people to agree with you. That's valid, but please say so upfront.

What it comes down to is this: do you want a pat on the back or another perspective? Do you want to maintain a friendship with someone you valued or not? He expressed concern for a man you love.

Consider the alternative perspective I offer or don't but you've just dismissed me (as you accuse him of doing to you), suggesting I couldn't possibly have read your post. Yes, I did read it and I offered the alternative perspective you said you were open to. Maybe your friend also felt dismissed and unheard.

Good luck
 
ooooof course I didn't. Because if I did I would agree with you, right? Because if I did, I wouldn't possibly see any other side to the story, even though you said you wanted other perspectives.


The other perspective is...were you listening to him at all? Were you valuing what he had to say? Did you remember you were talking to a human being and that his opinion is equally valid to yours?

You yourself asked for other perspectives. I took time from my day to offer another perspective and you accused me of not reading. I'm left thinking that what you really wanted was people to agree with you. That's valid, but please say so upfront.

What it comes down to is this: do you want a pat on the back or another perspective? Do you want to maintain a friendship with someone you valued or not? He expressed concern for a man you love.

Consider the alternative perspective I offer or don't but you've just dismissed me (as you accuse him of doing to you), suggesting I couldn't possibly have read your post. Yes, I did read it and I offered the alternative perspective you said you were open to. Maybe your friend also felt dismissed and unheard.

Good luck

I get your point, and I considered it. I am confident in saying that's not what happened this time because I didn't get to give my opinion at all before my friend started belittling me. We were just talking about what was going on with our lives when he ripped into me. That's what I'm not okay with.

I am fine with having a discussion about ethics in relationships, or even the ethics of polyamory. I'm not okay with being attacked, and I definitely didn't attack him or tell him that his opinions were invalid. I very clearly used words similar to, I don't feel that way or this is what I believe. I think that sort of thing is important to having a healthy two way conversation. I do believe that it's likely that the people he's spending most of his time with are black and white and therefore are missing the nuance. If our interactions continue to be like that then I don't know what will come of the friendship, but I am hoping that we can go back to having really interesting discussions while remembering that in some cases (not all, but some), all opinions are equally valid or at least even if we believe someone is flat out wrong, that we can tell them so without devaluing them as a human being.

I believe your interpretation of what I posted was wrong, but I can see how you got there and once I got past the gut punch because it did hurt when I read your message in a vulnerable mood, I am glad I took the time to consider it.
 
So the last week has just been a nightmare. I feel like I am riding a wave of negative endorphins. I don't even remember what everything was but I remember there has been stuff. I think part of it is that the meds I am on currently give me seriously negative side effects whenever I get that big adrenaline dump/panic attack/anxiety attack. I start to feel like I'm high in a bad way. It's been unpleasant to say the least and it lasts several hours and leaves me exhausted.

So the first story is just stupid so I'll leave it at that it was a small thing that upset me very much and still hasn't been fixed yet since it can't easily be. Things got much worse from there.

Mark, my ex husband, gets Kiddo for a couple of weeks of visitation every summer. He moved to a different country so he hardly ever sees him. I have primary custody. He generally sees Kiddo for a week at Christmas and 2-3 weeks in the summer (except he usually dumps him off with his grandparents for at least half the summer break).

I always worry when Kiddo is there because my ex never was much for parenting. They pretty much leave him on his own to play with whatever he brought for himself. They also have a swimming pool and Kiddo is effectively a nonswimmer since we had to pull him out of lessons 2 years ago for health reasons. He can go back again now but of course that sets him way back. I always worried he would accidentally fall in and drown or they'd leave him unsupervised or something. Kiddo knows my rules but he is just a kid and things happen.

And this is on top of Kiddo's usual emotional issues because he's always got mixed feelings about going at all, but he's too young for them to take his opinion into account yet. So the week before he goes is always trying for everyone. We of course always tell him we hope he has a wonderful time etc etc so it's not like he gets groomed about his bio dad being bad or anything. We never say a bad word about him. It's actually been really hard watching him see Mark's flaws for himself because then he hurts and I can't stop it. But I can't shield him from these things either, unfortunately.

So there were two giant issues in the past three days that have given me multiple panic attacks. First of all, I specifically emailed Mark for Kiddo's itinerary and he confirmed that Kiddo would be at his house, and then at Kiddo's grandparents. Then Kiddo comes downstairs the night before he's supposed to go after his usual day before trip phone call with Mark, and tells me that Mark is planning to take him out of state.

SOOO... that's not allowed unless I give permission. And I specifically asked where Kiddo was going to be since I'm entitled to his itinerary. I thanked Kiddo and asked him if he wanted to go to that place. He said no, he didn't. So I emailed Mark, who claimed he didn't know it was a big deal and had no answer why he didn't at least mention it when I asked before. I told him that Kiddo doesn't want to go so please don't take him there. But between this and then his insinuations last time that he wanted to take Kiddo to Mexico, I've been freaking out because there literally is nothing I can do from 3,000 miles away if he does try to do that. Kiddo will try to call me but if Mark doesn't allow him to what am I supposed to do?

It's not that I want to prevent him from having fun with Kiddo. Lord knows I wish they paid more attention to him when he was in their city where there's loads to do. But that Mark is a bad parent, period. He doesn't adequately supervise Kiddo. I know if he took him somewhere that he's not going to stay in the room at night by himself after 8pm when Kiddo goes to sleep. He's going to go out and do his own thing and leave him alone in a hotel room, and I'm not okay with that. I don't trust him to have Kiddo's best interests at heart.

Then it got so bad that I thought I was going to lose my mind. So Kiddo has a peanut allergy and has since birth, but it has increased in severity since Mark left. This past year, he started carrying an epi pen. He had it last time he was at Mark's house. Two weeks ago I emailed Mark to let him know that Kiddo had been told to avoid several more food items pending the next allergy test. He responded to the rest of the email but didn't acknowledge that part. Kiddo has told me that Mark doesn't even let waiters in restaurants know about his allergies and since they eat out nearly every meal, I was so worried that this time I made him a giant laminated card to wear on a lanyard when he goes out to eat so he can show the waiter himself. It looks stupid but Kiddo isn't always comfortable speaking up for himself and I don't want him to die because he's shy and Mark won't advocate for him!

So we take Kiddo to the airport where Mark has flown in to meet us since Kiddo isn't allowed to fly alone due to the allergies. At handover, I tell Mark where all of Kiddo's important things are like his evening medication, passport, travel letter, epi pen... and he cuts me off and asks "so I only use the epi pen in an emergency right?" and he looked at me like a deer in the headlights.

OH MY GOD. He has absolutely no idea how to take care of Kiddo if he has a reaction. Doesn't take care to notify restaurant staff about Kiddo's allergies. Probably doesn't understand cross contamination worries. And I still had to hand Kiddo off. I find that absolutely beyond terrifying. I'm still reeling from it today.

You know, I have always tried to look at this time as me getting a bit of a break, where I can have some fun that I can't normally have when Kiddo is home. But right now the worry I am experiencing with him gone is really knocking me for a loop and I just want my little guy home again. I'm not really sure I'm going to be able to enjoy myself at all.
 
I've been cracking up a little bit lately. Henry is going to be pulling 14 hour days for the next week before we have to go out of town to do a favour for a friend (nonnegotiable at this point).

So I've mostly been on my own. I haven't heard from Kiddo yet but that doesn't necessarily mean anything since he might not have wifi to message me.

Charles stopped by yesterday and I was rage/fear cleaning. Must have been a lovely image, to walk in and see me scrubbing the floor in tears :p It really helped to have him here though. He didn't really say much, just helped me finish the cleaning and then took me upstairs for cuddles and crying. Then he gave me a lovely massage and I have to admit that I was surprised how much it helped. It really did relax me. I didn't feel like a total mess afterwards. It sucked that he couldn't spend the night but at least he came.

On the plus side, Henry is still waiting for that referral but he saw his family doctor to get it, and they gave him a new medication for in the meantime and it seems to be helping. He's had more energy and felt more functional, but he's still in that mode of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before this whole mess with my ex started, we had even been having more sex and that was pretty awesome. I had missed connecting with him like that and I'm glad we got to.

That out of town thing will hopefully be fun though. We're dogsitting for a friend who has a full dungeon in the basement, so hopefully Henry and I will get some fun times in. I also miss casual sex, since I've been functionally polyfidelitous to Henry and Charles for a year now, which is odd for someone who self identifies as a slut as well as poly. So I'm hoping we'll get to go and check out the local swingers' club while we're there. Apparently they have a bi night one day while we're there and that sounds like it could be a lot of fun.
 
Well, I'm home!

We did go to the swingers' club, but I wasn't impressed. The afternoon party was loaded with men that fit the creepy single guy profile, and I was kinda horrified at how that behaviour got rewarded. The few other women there didn't really seem to care who they fucked and just kinda grabbed the nearest stunt cock. I'm glad they got their fantasies fulfilled but man did it ever start rewarding bad behaviour. There were men standing less than a foot away just stroking their cocks while they watched others play. I decided I had absolutely zero interest in sex with any of them and neither did Henry, so we decided to have sex ourselves. While I was riding his cock, a man literally stood next to my face.

Thanks, but no thanks. If people aren't even willing to make conversation and say hello, I don't want to fuck them. I am not just a wet hole for them to fuck. Whatever happened to basic manners???

We came back later when it was couples only, and that atmosphere was a lot nicer. The only issue was that it was mostly drinks and dancing for the first three hours and by the time we were told that people usually start hooking up, we were getting tired so we decided to head out.

So, we went to the club but only had sex with each other. I always say when that's the worst case scenario, it's still pretty awesome. A little disappointing but I had a lovely time with Henry.

The whole mini trip was pretty great. We did make use of the dungeon, and I also got to do some pretty intense BDSM play with a friend of our hostess which was seriously awesome.

I'm really missing Charles, though. I haven't seen him in a week and we've had limited communication for various reasons. Looking forward to date night tomorrow.
 
Well, date night didn't last too long lol. We had dinner and spent some time catching up but the poor guy was exhausted and he fell asleep after we had sex. It's all good, I cuddled up and read an eBook in bed while he was sleeping.

This weekend, Henry is going to visit some friends so Charles is staying at my house from Thursday to Sunday. It's been nice to get these blocks of time with the two of them where we're focused on connection and relationship rather than just little bursts. Even in my marriage, it's different to have time devoted just to us rather than responsibilities or whatnot.

I find that I really miss whomever I am not with by the end of it, though. I loved my time housesitting with Henry but really wanted to connect with Charles when I got home. And I am sure I will very much want Henry cuddles on Sunday when he gets home.
 
I had an amazing long weekend with Charles. Very low key. He took off work and we spent four days not leaving the house and not putting on clothes. Sex, cuddles, and just hanging out.

I'm a happy Vicki. I miss Henry though. He is staying away a bit longer since he's having so much fun, so he comes home Tuesday. I have date night with Charles, and then the rest of the week with Henry before kiddo comes home from visitation. It feels like these weeks have flown by and soon it will be back to reality.

I find myself with a bunch of mixed feelings, though. I feel really good because Charles seems to be doing everything right to show me that he loves me. I know that his schedule is tight, and he still rearranged his work schedule to give me this four day block. He does all the little things to tell me that he cares. And yet I still get the brainweasels that I'm into this much harder than he is. I don't know. He tells me he loves me and his actions follow his words. I can literally feel it when he kisses me. I try not to focus too hard on the anxiety because we had a really wonderful time together. It is just always so hard to say goodbye even knowing that I'll see him again in just a few days for date night. So I feel so happy but also feel a little melancholy.

I'm looking forward to this next block of time with Henry, too. We have some plans and I really want to connect with him too.
 
Sounds like it's your darn brainweasels attacking. :(

You were so frightened about Kiddo's safety but I guess he survived. You never updated after being so upset. I was concerned about that visit to his dad's place.
 
I never updated because I've been trying not to think too much about it. Kiddo is still with my ex and there's been a bunch of drama this whole time. I don't get him home until Monday night and nearly every day Kiddo messages me saying he wants to come home and there is nothing at all I can do about it.

He's okay and hasn't had any allergy issues but there's been enough boredom and frustration and unpleasantness to be very stressful for everyone.

Henry and I are having some med issues today which suck, but what can you do. I'm feeling a little high in a not great way (stims do that occasionally) and he's feeling very fragmented. We're trying to get some stuff done today. We were hoping to go to a party tonight but it would wind up being so much driving. The party is 90 min away and it's where the airport is. So if we go, poor Henry has to make two roundtrips in three days, and he'd be tired tonight since it doesn't start till 9pm. So I guess we're just going to hang out and hopefully accomplish some stuff. That's not a bad thing either.
 
Thanks for updating me! I understand how your hands are tied and you're seemingly powerless to do anything about that. It really really sucks and I'm so sorry.

hugs!
 
I have my Kiddo back! I am so much happier to have him home. I mean, I'll miss the downtime, but now I don't have to worry about him and I generally genuinely like having him around, as long as he's not having tantrums. And I can see since he got home that he's really making a concerted effort to behave. He's happy to be home too.

We took him out for a day of fun today, to his favourite restaurant for lunch and then to the arcade. We all had a really good time. Unfortunately we hit traffic on the way home and I was going to be an hour and a half late for my standing date with Charles.

I texted him and let him know and he said it would be fine but by the time we got home he said he was too tired. I know he hasn't been feeling great lately and I hope he gets some rest. It sucks to miss one of our standing dates- in a year, we've only missed two before tonight and one was Christmas Day so it makes sense. But health stuff is way more important than the day on the calendar, of course. Hopefully, we'll still get to see each other this week.
 
Sometimes I worry about Henry and what he gets out of all of this. I know we have always been poly and open, but I also know that his energy levels have been low enough in general that he hasn't been feeling like dating. Another relationship would tax his resources too much, he believes.

Honestly, I think this is more of a me processing than an actual worry about him, because he says he's fine. The things he wants are just to have regular date night carved out for us the way I do with Charles, and that's certainly doable.

But I worry sometimes. Like the longer I date Charles, the more I understand the mono perspective that another partner takes away from my time and resources with Henry. Realistically, I see that it's not all that different than having a hobby, certainly less demanding than hobbies I've had in the past that required certain levels of time investment, but I've been feeling the feelings enough that I wanted to at least write them down and think about them a little.

Certainly in the wake of Henry and I not getting enough sleep lately (both out sleep conditions have been acting up) so we've both been irritable and not really investing in our relationship. On the positive side, we still do the partnership thing very well and have been doing the stuff that we've needed to do for our family and the house, but there's been a lot less investment in connection and romance. We talked about it in the hot tub last night and made a plan to start remedying the situation. Again, I see this as a really positive thing that we can do this, and it's one of the things that makes me feel like this one is a long-hauler.

But I've got to sit with all those feelings for a while, I think.

I know I've been a little out of sorts lately. Charles' sleep disorder has also kicked up badly (boy I can pick them, eh? But at least they understand what I am going through) so he's been a zombie lately. He has still stopped by briefly on date night the past two weeks but only stayed for about an hour because he was so tired. I feel like a priority because he made a point to come by anyway, but I also feel out of sorts because there's been little to no connection otherwise and that always makes me feel like I want to pull back a little.

So nothing is really *wrong*... but neither relationship is in a really great place right now and that's certainly contributing to my grumpy along with my exhaustion. Sigh.
 
So last night's date night with Henry went really, really well. I wanted to absolutely blow him out of the water. I know relationships are mostly based on the little, everyday stuff, but I love to do the huge romantic gestures sometimes. It sucks when I'm limited by funds and locations, but I do the best I can.

I wound up making a 10 clue scavenger hunt for him throughout our house. Each clue came with a love note that talked about a memory we had shared together. I hadn't planned to do a gift for every single clue but I wound up getting enough small things when I was at the grocery store getting the stuff for the evening appetizers that I did in fact leave one item with each clue. So he got both the note and the small gift.

When he finished the hunt, he met me in our bedroom and I had a movie queued up on Netflix because I know he hates being the tech guy all the time and setting things up. And I had our dinner all ready! One of our favourite date nights is to do some kind of tapas or appetizer style meal. Because we're both trying to lose weight, this time I chose healthier items. I made Caprese Hasselback tomatoes drizzled with balsamic vinegar, smoked salmon with cream cheese and thinly sliced baguette, and a cocktail shrimp ring. He found a bottle of champagne with clue #4 and we had a lovely evening. We watched Mr Right (2015) and it was hilarious- we were cracking up.

I was worried the hunt would be too cheesy but he said it was perfect and romantic and special. When he came upstairs, he had his collar with him and he asked me to put it on. We didn't play but he wore it all evening long.

It was an absolutely perfect evening. Well, except that we still couldn't sleep together without worry about repercussions. I miss him.. but it was a lovely evening anyway.
 
The brainweasels are really, really bad today. I haven't been sleeping well. Feeling miserable and out of sorts and I know it's colouring my view of things.

It makes it really hard to know whether things that bother me are actually things, or just the brainweasels.

I just want to go back to bed and hide.
 
So the last week or so has been really rough. I got triggered in a Family-of-origin kind of way and I just couldn't snap out of those feelings. Normally the brainweasels go away when I sleep, unless it's a really poor quality sleep. This... this stayed with me actively for more than four days.

I am an ACOA (adult child of an alcoholic). I first read literature about ACOAs about five years ago and while not everything fits, way too much does fit me. On good days that leads me into philosophical reminiscing about how much of me is ME and how different I'd have been if my father wasn't an alcoholic. But either way, I have to deal with the reality of me.

The biggest problem is that I don't necessarily trust my own judgment anymore, so I don't know how much of my meltdown was just the trigger and how much is an actual issue. I don't know whether to apologize or try to solve the problem. Likely, both, but it leaves me feeling uncomfortable even in the aftermath since I am so confused.

The basic summary of what happened was, with Charles being sick for those 3-4 weeks, it started to hit my abandonment issues. And I don't know how rational that is; he did make a point of coming over on date night for an hour so he'd at least see me, and I could see he was tired. But then he didn't really maintain communication at all outside of that, not really any more than a quick hello once a day. I told him at three weeks that I was starting to feel disconnected and I don't think he really heard me.

Last week he came over for date night and I told him I was unhappy and that it made me feel like I was a doll on the shelf that he played with when he had time and the rest of the time he expected I'd be just fine on the shelf. And I don't like that. Everything is always good when he's here and visiting and we get time together but then the rest of the time, especially when he has stuff going on, it feels like he forgets me. He tells me he doesn't, but I'm not secure enough in our relationship yet to really feel that way.

I haven't had one of these really big triggers hit in years. I thought I was doing really well working on myself. I guess the truth is just that I feel safe and secure with Henry, so that button didn't hit.

The worst part is that Henry had to deal with the fallout since he lives with me. I basically locked myself in the bedroom for 3 days, and I didn't want to cuddle or talk or interact intimately in pretty much any form. I was able to tell him it was an ACOA trigger and he helped me find the book so I could reread it. I was able to tell him it was a push/pull response ("I hate you/Don't leave me"). But I couldn't stop it. And it really wasn't fair to him because the feelings weren't about him at all. Mental health stuff just sucks.

I pretty much completely withdrew from Charles, too. The part of my brain that could still be logical recognized that all of the actions I was taking were going to cause damage but the part caught up in the trigger just wanted to defend myself. So I didn't text him because I was hurting about not getting the connection/communication I needed (which makes so much sense, right?). But I sent him an email with an ACOA article and a link to the book and he didn't respond to that so I felt even more hurt/withdrawn.

I can parse that a good chunk of this is that I feel vulnerable and I'm scared that I have enough emotional investment that this relationship is going to wreck me when it ends. And the disconnection fed into my ACOA fear of abandonment and that made me want to pull away to protect my heart while simultaneously hoping that he'd give me that reassurance so I wouldn't feel like I had to pull away, which made me hurt even more.

Henry asked me this morning if I'd been talking to Charles and I said not really. I texted him last night and I asked him if he'd read my email and he didn't respond directly to that but told me that work had been insane (he worked almost every day last week) and asked me how I was doing. I told him I kinda cracked up and he asked how he could help but by then I was exhausted and told him I needed to sleep.

So I don't really know where we stand now and I don't really know what to do. Tomorrow is date night so I need to figure out what I'm going to say.

Sometimes mental health really sucks. I hate being so damaged. Sometimes it seems that no matter how hard I try it's like some days it just jumps on me and reminds me that I am always going to be broken.

Feedback is welcomed/appreciated since I really don't know what to do at this point. I only ask that if you think I need a 2x4, please swing it gently because I'm still feeling pretty fragile right now.
 
I'm an adult child, too. Do you have ACOA meetings or Al-Anon meetings in your area? There are a lot of adult children in al-anon meetings, too. It's a cheap form of group therapy.
 
I don't have any useful advice here - I feel this so hard (not an ACOA but between adoption trauma and ADHD-caused rejection sensitivity dysphoria) I've definitely walked the path of "I'm not talking to you because I'm upset you didn't talk to me" FAR too many times.

I think the only way through it is time - like you Knight doesn't press than button with me anymore, 22 years in, but Artist still _occasionally_ does... But at 4.5 years in I've finally taught myself to mostly self soothe where he's concerned.

Virtual hugs and good luck wishes.
 
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