I sit here and wonder what happened to my life. Because this is just NOT MY LIFE.
I don't think I wanted too much. I didn't want to be rich (well, not beyond random fantasies) or famous or really much of anything other than quietly content. I wanted to be at least a reasonably good parent and raise my kid to have an independent life that he enjoys. I wanted to travel. I wanted to enjoy spending time with my loves, and pursue things that interested me. I just wanted to have enough.
Well, I've had enough- but not in the way that I meant it. I've had enough of pain and grief and suffering, and yet my cup still runneth over, and there's no way to stop it.
Kiddo has been in the teen psych ward for almost a week now for suicidal intent. I can't blame him for feeling so awful when he's had so much trauma in the past year. I don't remember what I wrote about and what I didn't but anyway it's a lot. And he was so close to Henry so he feels abandoned and that's totally valid too.
I'm not sleeping. Just totally exhausted. I've been visiting him in the hospital every day so he's not alone there at least.
Therapy doesn't really seem to help when your life has been blasted apart. I mean they say you don't get better if you don't work through things but I am just trying to survive until the end of a day so how am I supposed to work through things? I now have a nice shiny PTSD diagnosis of my own, so thanks Henry for that. With Kiddo being in the hospital, I am JUST SO ANGRY. You know, I used to have a kinder view towards people who died by suicide. Now? No. Do I understand what Henry was going through? Yup. But he had a fucking child, and all he did was try to end his own pain but y'know according to laws that govern matter and energy, he didn't take the pain with him. He left it here and smeared it all over us. So now I've got his PTSD and Kiddo and I are both suffering. How exactly is that not the most selfish thing you can do? It doesn't matter how much I'm hurting, I've got a kid. I have to live for him and be there for him because he deserves better than that. Apparently Henry was totally cool with just leaving me to do that. I still love him and I still miss him, but kiddo in the hospital has added just a white hot rage to it all.
And I have really nowhere to get help with sorting out my feelings for Charlie. I know we were already having issues before Henry died, but since then it feels like all my emotions have been carved out and there's nothing left. I'm just numb. I don't really feel any feelings in general that aren't anger or irritation or depression or bone deep sadness. Charlie has been awesome about doing all the things that need doing around the house because most of the time I just can't do them or I don't care enough. I've had enough on my plate dealing with all the minutiae and paperwork of death and it's been taking all my energy. So it's nice to have someone who is getting the daily chores done and making sure there's food and clean clothes etc.
There's not a whole lot in written literature about situations like mine, so I don't know if it's normal to feel the way I do, or if it's a signal that the relationship has run its course. Charlie gets on my nerves constantly. I'm irritated by the way they talk (not a gender thing, just a personality tic), that I have to keep firmly telling them not to try and micromanage me which apparently they don't even see they're doing, and a whole host of other things. My sexual interest in anything is nil, and more so for BDSM. But I don't even know if I still like them, let alone love them. I know I'm not supposed to make any major decisions for at least a year and I'm trying to stick to that, but I know it's hard for them because they want hugs and physical affection and I just can't do that because it feels so wrong. But I don't know if I'm like this just because I'm so deeply damaged and missing Henry. Because really, Henry was the bedrock of my life. He might have been driving me a little nuts over the winter as well but we were always an US so certainly that we would think of us before I, if that makes sense. Henry loved me every day and every moment in such clear and visible ways and with his whole heart, and I know that I'll never be loved like that again.
Charlie loves me. I know that. But I don't know how I feel- if it's the situation or them that pushes me away. I'm finding I'm bothered by their transition mostly because the whole idea that changing your external appearance can have such an effect on you repels me, honestly. Like here we are off to go visit Kiddo in the hospital and they take the time to put on their fake boobs. But really, I just find it offputting in general to be that focused on the exterior. I mean, nothing I could wear or do changes my sense of me or who I am. And I don't give a rats ass what society thinks of me based on how I present myself. So maybe I'm not compatible with someone who needs to be like that.
Honestly, the further I dive into reading about gender, the more I think it does us all a disservice. It just gets used to repress people and to cause harm. It seems to be defined as a way to interact with society as well, and since I genuinely don't care about societal perception I see that as a waste of time, as well as being damaging by reinforcing stereotypes. I feel like life would be better for everyone if we just did our own thing and gender didn't exist. Why do we have to fuss over whether things or clothes or colours are masculine or feminine? It's all artificial. Why don't people just do and wear what they like? I genuinely believe that it does cause harm to everyone when personality traits or likes are ascribed to a particular gender because it just feeds into stereotypes. And so every time Charlie puts on their boobs and hip thing and whatever else helps them to feel more like a woman, whatever that actually means because I have no idea honestly, it actually does make me feel like it's furthering the social narrative about what men and women are and do and like and wear, and I hate that.
Rereading that last paragraph, I wanted to clarify by saying that I'm bothered because Charlie is wearing and doing those things specifically because it makes them feel like a woman- and that's the whole premise that I disagree with. They aren't wearing them because they like wearing them except that it's part of the whole gender thing.
I'm just so lonely. Henry understood and accepted me for who I am. I don't feel like Charlie knows me nearly as well, and I guess I don't really know them as well either. We never had that deep openness and connection and vulnerability the same way I did with Henry and I feel so alone now. I'm just lost and I wake up every morning hoping that this was all just a nightmare and that Henry will answer when I text him and come upstairs for cuddles because this just can't be my life.
I don't think I wanted too much. I didn't want to be rich (well, not beyond random fantasies) or famous or really much of anything other than quietly content. I wanted to be at least a reasonably good parent and raise my kid to have an independent life that he enjoys. I wanted to travel. I wanted to enjoy spending time with my loves, and pursue things that interested me. I just wanted to have enough.
Well, I've had enough- but not in the way that I meant it. I've had enough of pain and grief and suffering, and yet my cup still runneth over, and there's no way to stop it.
Kiddo has been in the teen psych ward for almost a week now for suicidal intent. I can't blame him for feeling so awful when he's had so much trauma in the past year. I don't remember what I wrote about and what I didn't but anyway it's a lot. And he was so close to Henry so he feels abandoned and that's totally valid too.
I'm not sleeping. Just totally exhausted. I've been visiting him in the hospital every day so he's not alone there at least.
Therapy doesn't really seem to help when your life has been blasted apart. I mean they say you don't get better if you don't work through things but I am just trying to survive until the end of a day so how am I supposed to work through things? I now have a nice shiny PTSD diagnosis of my own, so thanks Henry for that. With Kiddo being in the hospital, I am JUST SO ANGRY. You know, I used to have a kinder view towards people who died by suicide. Now? No. Do I understand what Henry was going through? Yup. But he had a fucking child, and all he did was try to end his own pain but y'know according to laws that govern matter and energy, he didn't take the pain with him. He left it here and smeared it all over us. So now I've got his PTSD and Kiddo and I are both suffering. How exactly is that not the most selfish thing you can do? It doesn't matter how much I'm hurting, I've got a kid. I have to live for him and be there for him because he deserves better than that. Apparently Henry was totally cool with just leaving me to do that. I still love him and I still miss him, but kiddo in the hospital has added just a white hot rage to it all.
And I have really nowhere to get help with sorting out my feelings for Charlie. I know we were already having issues before Henry died, but since then it feels like all my emotions have been carved out and there's nothing left. I'm just numb. I don't really feel any feelings in general that aren't anger or irritation or depression or bone deep sadness. Charlie has been awesome about doing all the things that need doing around the house because most of the time I just can't do them or I don't care enough. I've had enough on my plate dealing with all the minutiae and paperwork of death and it's been taking all my energy. So it's nice to have someone who is getting the daily chores done and making sure there's food and clean clothes etc.
There's not a whole lot in written literature about situations like mine, so I don't know if it's normal to feel the way I do, or if it's a signal that the relationship has run its course. Charlie gets on my nerves constantly. I'm irritated by the way they talk (not a gender thing, just a personality tic), that I have to keep firmly telling them not to try and micromanage me which apparently they don't even see they're doing, and a whole host of other things. My sexual interest in anything is nil, and more so for BDSM. But I don't even know if I still like them, let alone love them. I know I'm not supposed to make any major decisions for at least a year and I'm trying to stick to that, but I know it's hard for them because they want hugs and physical affection and I just can't do that because it feels so wrong. But I don't know if I'm like this just because I'm so deeply damaged and missing Henry. Because really, Henry was the bedrock of my life. He might have been driving me a little nuts over the winter as well but we were always an US so certainly that we would think of us before I, if that makes sense. Henry loved me every day and every moment in such clear and visible ways and with his whole heart, and I know that I'll never be loved like that again.
Charlie loves me. I know that. But I don't know how I feel- if it's the situation or them that pushes me away. I'm finding I'm bothered by their transition mostly because the whole idea that changing your external appearance can have such an effect on you repels me, honestly. Like here we are off to go visit Kiddo in the hospital and they take the time to put on their fake boobs. But really, I just find it offputting in general to be that focused on the exterior. I mean, nothing I could wear or do changes my sense of me or who I am. And I don't give a rats ass what society thinks of me based on how I present myself. So maybe I'm not compatible with someone who needs to be like that.
Honestly, the further I dive into reading about gender, the more I think it does us all a disservice. It just gets used to repress people and to cause harm. It seems to be defined as a way to interact with society as well, and since I genuinely don't care about societal perception I see that as a waste of time, as well as being damaging by reinforcing stereotypes. I feel like life would be better for everyone if we just did our own thing and gender didn't exist. Why do we have to fuss over whether things or clothes or colours are masculine or feminine? It's all artificial. Why don't people just do and wear what they like? I genuinely believe that it does cause harm to everyone when personality traits or likes are ascribed to a particular gender because it just feeds into stereotypes. And so every time Charlie puts on their boobs and hip thing and whatever else helps them to feel more like a woman, whatever that actually means because I have no idea honestly, it actually does make me feel like it's furthering the social narrative about what men and women are and do and like and wear, and I hate that.
Rereading that last paragraph, I wanted to clarify by saying that I'm bothered because Charlie is wearing and doing those things specifically because it makes them feel like a woman- and that's the whole premise that I disagree with. They aren't wearing them because they like wearing them except that it's part of the whole gender thing.
I'm just so lonely. Henry understood and accepted me for who I am. I don't feel like Charlie knows me nearly as well, and I guess I don't really know them as well either. We never had that deep openness and connection and vulnerability the same way I did with Henry and I feel so alone now. I'm just lost and I wake up every morning hoping that this was all just a nightmare and that Henry will answer when I text him and come upstairs for cuddles because this just can't be my life.
Last edited:
