Vicki's Journey Continues...

Vicki82 said:
I don't know. I've never felt anything like that to be honest. I find physical attraction pretty low on my list of factors that make a person appealing, and I'm much more interested in what's inside the meat sack than anything to do with the rest of it.
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Just so you know, gender preference and gender identity are two entirely different things. Who I am is not who I love. A transwoman can be gay (attracted to other women), or straight (attracted to men), or bi (attracted to cis men or women, or fully transmen or women) or pan (attracted to all genders).

If it doesn't matter what gender a person is to be attracted to them, if your partners are exploring where they are on the gender spectrum, you're ahead of the game. Are you pansexual?
Vicki82 said:
Just feeling super low tonight. It's almost like everyone is speaking a language I just don't understand, and I feel like it's going to be a barrier preventing me from connecting authentically, because it just doesn't make sense to me, and that must be my fault, or I'm not trying hard enough. But it just doesn't.
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It's a new concept to you. It might make more sense over time, as you get used to it and see how it unfolds with your partners. You don't have to empathize in order to accept their differences. I'm just trying to assure you that just because someone is questioning their gender, it doesn't make them a whole other person who is a stranger to you (necessarily). Of course, people can and do grow apart and relationships end because you no longer see eye-to-eye. I don't think anyone should go into a commitment thinking there's a 100% guarantee the relationship will literally last forever. Call me jaded. I was with my ex h for 30 years and now we've been apart for 15!

I don't mean to downplay your fears and sadness though. There are also plenty of books out about understanding gender, transgender and non-binary identities. If you are a book person, I'd read a couple.
 
Well, we had a pretty good holiday season. Henry's family isn't local, but Charles' family is, and my mom was well enough to have a Christmas gathering, so we had a houseful for Christmas. It was a comfortably poly holiday and that was great.

I'm finding myself more and more unhappy lately, though. I'm not sure if it's me and perimenopause, or if there really are going to be some incompatibilities developing in my relationship with Charles. Honestly, I probably need to pick another moniker, because while they are still calling themselves genderfluid, I have a pretty good guess that it's just a stop on the way to trans. I haven't seen any of the "fluidity" part, except when at Christmas, in front of everyone, they chose to present male because they hadn't yet discussed it with their family. I guess I can switch to "Charlie," which is more androgynous.

The problems I'm having are in a few different places and I'm just not sure whether they're emotional wind or whether I'm feeling something valid that I'll need to deal with. Probably some of both. But it scares me.

The most minor is that Charlie is paying so much attention to their appearance, and this whole transition, that it's literally always taking up space, if that makes sense. They're either talking about it, or trying on clothes, or watching videos to learn how to do makeup and then practicing, or just talking to other people with shared experiences. And I understand. I really do. It's new, and exciting, and it feels right, so of course it's their main focus right now.

But it means there is very little "us" time, unless I want to be part of all that. At the beginning, sure, it was fun to offer my clothes to try on, since now we're similar sizes, or to help with stuff. But it's really becoming an energy drain on me now. It's not something that I'm happy to be there for, day in and day out, and honestly it wouldn't be for a cis partner either. I don't tend to find myself attracted to people who are very focused on exterior appearance, because I find it to be really shallow, honestly. I don't like to be judged on my appearance, and I am not attracted to partners based on appearance either. So this level of obsession with clothes and accessories and makeup is actively is reducing my emotional attraction to Charlie. I can understand why they're doing it, but that doesn't change my feelings, either. And if this is just going to be the way they are now, then it's not necessarily something I can ride out. I suspect if anything it will only get more intense of an interest if they do come out as trans. And I'm not sure how much that's going to affect my feelings.

That kind of bled into two points, but I am missing connection with us time, and also it feels like "us" is changing. I'm not even really sure what that is anymore.

I'm even noticing that I'm finding myself repelled by some of their gestures and movements. To me, they seem almost like parodies of femininity, if that makes sense. And I can also understand that, because they're new and still figuring things out. But it's hard for me. And additionally, I just don't find that style of femininity to be attractive to me, romantically or sexually, and that's difficult.

I was thinking last night that if I met Charlie as a cis woman with all these characteristics, I wouldn't be interested in dating her. And that was not a fun realization. I felt like I had to sit there and unpack it because it comes with a lot of my baggage too. I don't tend to do so well with major changes, so am I feeling this way just because of Charlie's transition? I've dated genderfluid and trans people before, so I don't think I'm transphobic. But I sure do miss the version of Charlie before this. Not the one where they obviously were unhappy in their shell, but the one where they still kind of felt like the same person, but just packaged differently. I really did even like the one that was having fun before diving into this headlong, because it was fun to share that. But all day every day obsessions? Much less fun.

And Charlie is having insecurities of their own because they've been at least potentially considering taking hormones, which was something they had told me up front wasn't an interest for them. And then the other day, when they were having a very dysphoric day, they said to me that they were worried about how I would react to things. And I told them flat out that they shouldn't worry about me, because they have to figure out who they are. I don't think it's right to put yourself in a box for anyone else, and I also don't think that ends well. So I cuddled them and gave them reassurances, because I do love them and I have tried my best to be there for them.

But then the next day I started feeling more and more unhappiness, because it seems like this will only become a bigger part of their life. And I just don't know how well the part that's supposed to be us will survive. And honestly, untangling the relationship at this point would be painful for all of us, including Kiddo, who loves them. And it's not a bad relationship... but right about now it's an energy drain, rather than a more mutual thing. And I don't really have extra energy for the drain, given that Kiddo is still having a really hard time coping with high school and I would actually like some time and energy to put into myself this year. I'm learning a new language and also trying to develop a gym habit. Maybe I'm being selfish, and that's a problem? I don't know, but I also can't keep putting my own needs last just because I want to be a good partner.

Basically, I'm frustrated and unhappy. I would love to hear other people's thoughts.
 
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Hi Vicki,

I'm so sorry that Charlie's transition is becoming increasingly difficult for you!

As you may or may not know, my partner pixi is a transwoman. However, that category doesn't really suit her, because, even though she was born with a penis and developed male hormones at puberty, she's always been extremely femme, from childhood. Long before she started experimenting with taking hormones stolen from her mom, and then finally starting therapy and doctor-ordered hormones, she often wore women's clothes, wore her hair long, carried a purse, wore makeup, etc., etc. She had girl friends who accepted her as one of the girls. As a kid, she played with girl's toys (Barbies, etc.). She was even allowed to use the girls' locker room in high school (back in the early '90s!) because she'd be bullied and beaten by the boys.

She also had some periods where she gave up and wore men's clothes, grew out her beard, etc. It was a long and winding road.

When we met 15 years ago, she was just starting to dress as a woman full time, came out at work (and got fired!), changed her name legally, etc. She was still struggling with her own image though, still felt dysphoric, was still experimenting with clothing styles. Then she started physical changes on hormones, grew breasts, grew that fat layer women have under their skin, along with other changes, and started electrolysis.

However, she wasn't obsessed with these changes to the point where she couldn't see beyond her own nose. She was always a caring romantic lover, giving, a good listener, etc. It was like living with a teenage girl, in a way, but one who had hobbies that we could share, who wanted a relationship, who was interested in me, my hobbies, my kids, my own life changes, wanted sex and cuddles, loved to watch movies with me, go to music fests, read out loud, etc.

Now, if Charlie has been more underground with their gender for a long long time, they might be just incredibly obsessed with figuring out their authentic self. You know, they might have NRE for themself! We all know that NRE needs to be managed. We can't let our relationship with the new person override nurturing our established relationship(s). Could that be happening here? Would bringing up that analogy help? Do you state your needs and wants and ask Charlie to take a break from working on themself, and look at you, see you, care for you, seek to meet your needs and just have fun as a couple?
 
I had a session with my counselor which helped to shake things out a bit in my head, and I've had a couple of conversations with Charlie as well. I am lucky that my counselor also has a good deal of experience with helping people on both sides of transitions as well as just exploring. She said it was normal for the non-transitioning person to feel marginalized like I have been feeling in the relationship, and that it's a good description because I do feel pushed to the side. NRE for themself is a really good description since I've been feeling much like there are three of us in the relationship now- Charlie, me, and their gender identity issues. She also used the analogy that many partners will be holding up the mirror so to speak to help their transitioning partners see the changes in themselves, but because of Charlie's low emotional intelligence I'll likely have to be holding up the mirror to remind them that there's someone else there at times and that they still have to meet their responsibilities in the relationship too.

I don't know. I'm also spending a lot of time thinking about my own beliefs and I'm struggling there, a bit. I'll try and explain as clearly as I can so at least y'all can understand me before you rip me a new one if I deserve one. Because I kind of feel like I must be wrong but at the same time my position makes sense to me.

I should probably start by saying that I don't think I can even understand the axis of gender identity in some ways, because my sense of who I am isn't tied to my gender. I was going to start by saying that my gender identity is so firmly held that I can't even fathom the alternative, but I'm not really sure that's an accurate assessment. I'd like to think that it's more that my sense of SELF is so firm that gender doesn't play into it. When I think of myself, gender isn't part of how I see ME. I have spent my entire life since I was a child participating in male oriented hobbies and being "one of the boys". Even as a child I didn't care about what I wore or what I was "supposed" to do in terms of friendships etc. As an adult and being part of the D/s community, I've taken my share of nonsense for being a female Dominant and have been fiercely protective of my partners to anyone who had the nerve (sadly, too many) to criticize them for being unmanly. I wholeheartedly believe that we aren't limited by gender except possibly by physical limits which again aren't exclusively tied to gender.

Of all the gender identity presentations, the one that bothers me the most and makes the least sense to me, and has for years, is gender fluidity. While the idea of dysphoria is difficult for me to understand, it's easier for me to accept because it makes sense to my brain. OK, so you feel like you were born in the wrong body and you feel better living the other way. That's how you see yourself. Nonbinary makes a lot of sense to me as well because it feels like how I feel in a lot of ways, that self isn't constrained by gender.

Gender fluidity, specifically, bothers me because it feels tied to personality traits, and to me that almost feels like it is reinforcing stereotypes. Women don't have to be feminine and men don't have to be masculine. Honestly, I'm not even really sure what it feels like to FEEL masculine or feminine because those aren't things I can ever really say that I've consciously felt. I don't feel like a girl when I'm out with the boys, nor do I feel like a boy if I'm engaged in a traditionally masculine practice. But it feels like it's a reduction of the complexity of human nature, to link personality traits to gender. No one is just one thing. I'm sure all of us sometimes have traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine tendencies because people aren't just one facet. But it almost feels offensive to me in some ways... like a man can't be soft without it being feminine? It almost feels like it's defining women a certain way, and I really, really don't like that. It goes against everything I believe in about people, that we need to be limited or defined by our personality traits.

With both of my partners experimenting with identity, it's interesting to see how I'm reacting differently to them on a visceral level. Henry is sitting in the same room as me right now wearing a long skirt and one of my sweatshirts and playing a guitar, and I'm not feeling any sort of way about it. The clothes and accessories and stuff have never been a problem and I don't mind going out with either of them wearing whatever it is they want to wear. Henry also hasn't stopped doing the maintenance on our relationship, and I feel just as close to him (no pronoun changes at this point because he's just spending time thinking about what works) as I did before he told me he was thinking about how he felt about his gender.

So is it solely the lack of connection causing problems with Charlie? I think it is the biggest puzzle piece. Although now the problem is that while they have been made aware of it, I am not currently ready to put down how I've been feeling and I told them that. They told me they're here when I do want their attention. And at some point I'll have to make a decision about that because it always falls back to what my counselor (same one) told me many years ago when I felt disconnected- I can lean in or I can lean out- both are valid choices, but I have to make one. Connection doesn't just magically come back on its own.

I hadn't wanted to tell Charlie all those feelings I just shared, because honestly I didn't want them to change what they were doing in terms of gender identity because they were afraid to lose me. I don't want to kick the can ten or fifteen years further down the road if they realize they weren't true to themselves and were still repressing things to make me happy. I told them that I want them to do the things they need to do, and if we realize at some point we aren't compatible anymore romantically or sexually it doesn't mean that things have to be bad. Sometimes relationships transition. I would be sad and mourn things but I would never want to trade their self happiness to have it back. But anyway, we did have that conversation so they at least know how I'm feeling about stuff. That, and they know that I tend not to date people who are very into clothes and accessories because it's not a quality I'm attracted to.

And I guess right now we're mostly in a holding pattern? I feel a little guilty because since we've talked I haven't seen them wearing any female presenting stuff and I don't want them to hold themselves back because of me. Honestly? I kind of thought that some of the things I said might have made them think we might be incompatible as partners because if that's who they want to be, I'll be here for them- but as a friend. I don't want to feel like the emotional tampon while I'm not getting any of my needs met, and haven't for quite some time because I've been putting them off while trying to be the best partner I can be for them because I know they've needed the support.

Reading my own post back makes me feel like this isn't going to go well, but I think that's how I felt last time we were having issues too, and we managed to work through that. One of the things that gives me hope is that Charlie generally has been willing to do the work on themselves and has gotten better at things that caused problems in the past. The hyperfocus has certainly been an issue in the past and I did tell them I get tired of feeling like I have to chase them for attention and relationship maintenance. I've really got to think about what work I think I need to do, and what I'm willing to do. I have no idea what the future will bring, and they don't either. They have no idea how they will feel about their identity in a month, six months, or next year. Some of the decisions they could make will definitely not work for me, and some I am sure I could adjust to. But I do know that if we become incompatible I don't want this to end in a giant clusterfuck. It'll be painful no matter what but I don't want it to get ugly. I don't want to plan for a breakup, either. I'm just so tired of flux in my life. It would be nice for a pause and things to settle down a bit. The flux is so hard. I've dated trans and nonbinary people before and didn't have these kind of issues because they had kinda finished their transition and who they are was who they are. I could figure out whether we were compatible and go from there. Now? I can't. It's hard.
 
You're not alone misunderstanding the "gender" axis.
I happen to be happy with (or at least not questioning) my female, but my body is pretty much the only thing defining me as a woman. If I were born in a male body and learned to identify as male, my life would be almost certainly easier. I'm not very "female", which doesn't make me any less female.
So, just WHAT makes people identify themselves as the other gender? Disphoria? Ok, I don't know where it comes from, but I can imagine. Otherwise it's stereotypes only, no?

But perhaps "archetype" is a more useful concept here than "stereotype". I've experienced once or twice that people can reach for personality traits they don't usually have through feeling in some archetype. (And I've been recently searching for some female equivalent of Prometheus - rebel, inventor, visionary, one who brings revolution through innovation - and didn't find any :( )
Maybe someone's character is just very much in line with the available male/female archetypes (?). Doesn't make much more sense, but at least it doesn't have that insulting feel.
 
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I can imagine it feels hard to be in an adult relationship with some people as they transition, or at least question, their gender. It's so complex. There is no black and white, most of the time, in my opinion. There are mostly shades of grey.

I've been/am close friends with transmen who spent time living as male, taking hormones, dressing as men, etc., who went on to realize their gender wasn't strictly male. One seems to have gone back to presenting mostly female, no more hormones, no more binding of the breasts, more femme hairstyle, being okay with the she pronoun... One is still IDing as a gay male, but he's got a strong femme bent in his personal style, in a flamboyant, drag-queen kind of way. The third one seems to have settled in the non-binary place, or even perhaps agender, where their gender just doesn't matter.

Of course, I also know people who ID as one gender or another, but present androgynously, and again, others that present fully as one gender or another on the binary spectrum.

Pixi is fully a woman. She feels like a woman. She wants people to pass her on the street thinking she is a woman, no doubts, no questions. Drives her crazy when she hears whispers on occasion: "What is that? That's a guy!" and so on. (This doesn't happen often. Even as the camp director at a camp for transkids, many of the kids and their parents assume she's cis!)

She has a great cute femme and funky way of dressing, loves clothes, collects dolls and dishes like me, love to cook, but many of her her hobbies and interests could be seen as traditionally male: hiking, camping, archery, and tinkering with machines, computers, any kind of tech stuff, videogaming.

I don't know how things will pan out with you and Charlie, if it's not really their gender, but more the way they are acting as they go through the transition, with their "low emotional intelligence." I'm glad you're sharing what's going on here. It's a topic that hits very close to home for me.
 
I didn't realize it has been so long since I've written!

Life has just felt really heavy lately. Honestly, I don't even really feel like myself. I'm not sure I like the version of me I've been becoming lately, but the worst part is that I'm not sure I care enough to do anything about it. I'm pretty sure that's serious depression talking, but either way, I feel pretty awful. I think my emotions lately are limited to fatigue, rage, irritability, and sadness.

Not even sure where to start with my laundry list.

I guess first off, Kiddo is having some serious mental health issues. He's been struggling with depression for a while now but it's gotten worse. He has had trouble adapting to the high school transition, especially since he has to be awake an hour earlier in the morning to catch the bus. So with the lack of sleep added into the not caring part of depression, his attendance has been spotty at best- he has been missing 20-30% of his classes and every day is a struggle with him. He's also done some stupid things online that painted a target on him for predators, and got himself some more serious issues. He was interacting with a child predator who was masquerading as a young adult female (which already is messed up since Kiddo is only 14) and he sent "her" some photos that he really shouldn't have. This person then posted those pictures publicly which has caused Kiddo some serious heartache because they were posted in a way that now he can't interact with a game online he loves because he keeps getting harassed there. He was stupid, but he's still the victim here and it sucks that it's causing him so much pain. He's currently seeing a social worker, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a few teen mental health support groups. Honestly just dealing with all of his appointments is exhausting, especially since he's still acting out at home. It feels like he's always angry, especially with me.

Secondly, I feel totally disconnected from both my partners. I have zero desire for sex with either one of them and it's been quite a while since I did. For that matter, I'm back in a space where I don't particularly want to share touch with either of them. That happens occasionally when I'm upset or feel off, but normally doesn't drag on for this long. And I've stopped saying I love you to either of them because right now? I'm really not feeling it. The lack of connection is deep enough that I don't want to say the words just because they're expected, but I'm not ready to assume that this is just the end since it's happening with both of them at the same time. Maybe when I'm this depressed and not feeling positive emotions at all, love is one of those things I just don't feel? I don't know. It's never happened before.

The worst part of all of this is that I know that I'm hurting them both by withdrawing like this emotionally. They're both feeling touch and intimacy deprived and I feel like I don't have enough spoons for myself to care that I'm hurting them. I'm not making any kind of effort beyond the basics to talk or spend time with them. I tell myself when I notice that I'm being a crappy partner that this isn't who I am or who I want to be, but even when I point it out to myself I still don't change what I'm doing. It's not okay, but I'm still not changing it. That's the awful thing.

Henry is still trying so hard to meet me where I am. It kinda breaks my heart almost. The one thing I've been doing for myself for self care lately is that I joined an F45 gym. I've been working out 4-6 times a week at home, but then I signed up for my second HealthyWager and I thought that I really wanted to give myself a kick to get things up a level. So I signed up for a two week trial pass to see how I liked it. I've never done workouts to that degree before. I loathe getting sweaty and hate feeling like I'm about to die, but I like the sense of satisfaction after I finish a workout and I like seeing myself make visible progress even if the scale is being stubborn. I still hate exercise, but I like having done the exercise. So I had been doing about two classes a week because of the cost until the beginning of the month when they started running a challenge and I decided I wanted to join it so for at least a couple months I have an unlimited pass. Henry has about as much weight to lose as I have lost already (I'm down a little over 100lbs since April 2022) and he's pretty sedentary. He's always resisted joining me for anything more than a walk. But since I've been pouring my time and energy into the gym, he decided he would go, too. He's that kind of person. Which makes me sad because lately? I am not. Like I think it's great for his health that he's going and I like working out with him. But I don't think I'd do something I hate like that for him right now :(

Lately, going to the gym is the one things where even if I don't like it, I still feel good about going. I like the trainers and the people there and I like seeing myself get stronger. I said to Henry the other day that it might be the only thing right now that makes me feel something other than the aforementioned negative emotions.

I'm just so miserable. My counselor said it could be perimenopause symptoms since I'm withdrawing from both my partners like this, but my psychiatrist said he didn't see anything in my recent batch of bloodwork and at my age (41) he thought it was unlikely. I haven't wanted to do anything drastic like break up with either of them because it's both of them at the same time, which makes me at least hope that the problem is me and not the relationship. But I'm not feeling the good things anymore, not with either of them. They're actually annoying me a lot of the time rather than making me feel good. I don't really know what I want or need. I know if I just keep letting myself drift out that reconnection is tougher, and yet no matter how many times I tell myself that, I'm at least currently not desiring to put in that work with either of them. I've sat down with myself and told myself the things I know I need to hear but it's like I have the energy to acknowledge it but not to do anything about it. Everything feels like too much lately.

And part of me still worries that maybe it is the gender stuff and not just me and I also feel paralyzed by that because I don't even know where to begin drilling down on that one. I don't know if it is or it isn't. I don't know when the switch flipped in my head, especially with Charlie, and it went from being fun and something that was easy to support to something that feels like it puts me off now, and I don't know why. I don't know if it's the lack of emotional intelligence coupled with the severe levels of disconnect I feel, or if I'm specifically repelled by the changes in them. I just don't know. I've been attracted to/dated trans and nonbinary people before, but I've never had partners who were exploring gender while I was dating them. I don't even know if I can solve this problem while I don't even have the emotional energy to take care of myself.

I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't even know where to begin finding the desire to fix any of it, let alone the energy to do so. It's all just too much drama and stress right now. I have to deal with Kiddo's because you don't get to opt out when you're a parent, but I just feel like I have no tolerance at all for anything Henry or Charlie need from me. I'm not really providing support of any kind because I don't have it. I don't even have enough to look after me so how can I give them what I don't have?

It's a giant fucking mess and I don't even know where to start picking at it to untangle, even if I wanted to. Right now I just feel so much sadness and very, very alone.
 
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I'm very sorry you're struggling and so upset and downhearted. That's terrible.

I know perimenopause time can be incredibly hard on women, especially if you've got young teenagers. It's like a cruel joke of nature, to put us in a transition state while our kids are also going through it on the other side of adulthood! WTF, Nature?

I am glad you have the one good thing: the weight loss and better physical health, and the gym progress, despite not loving the workouts.

Now to get your mental health to improve like your physical health did!

I believe in you. I am vibing for things to improve asap! I'm glad you're in therapy. If it's not helping just to talk about things, are you considering or on an antidepressant?

Despite blood tests saying your hormones were in shape on the day of the blood test, I know that hormones fire irregularly, usually starting at around your age, so I can see that messing with your head, along with the stress of Kiddo making mistakes online and being horrifically bullied. That is such a HUGE problem for kids these days. UGH!
 
Vicki82 said:
Maybe when I'm this depressed and not feeling positive emotions at all, love is one of those things I just don't feel? I don't know. It's never happened before
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This is very much possible.

I'm sorry :{
 
I'm genuinely starting to believe that gender is just stupid, honestly. I do not see how it can be in any way a positive thing that does not feed into stereotypes.

I don't understand why we can't just all be people and recognize that humans are complicated and no one is any one thing without putting labels on it.
 
Charlie has decided they are trans. I'm frustrated because I really truly think all of this makes no sense and that gender is stupid and full of stereotypes.

I'm miserable at the idea that everything is going to be drama now. Everything is going to be harder. And I am so out of bandwidth for everything. I told them all the things I'm thinking of and feeling because I figured it would make them walk away. I told them they deserve someone who is into all their changes and not someone who has to try and accept it. That even if we stuck it out, surely when they make more connections in the trans community they'll find those accepting people who have an attachment to their gender and understand.

They didn't walk away. I don't know how not when I told them all these things.

I miss my partner. I wish I hadn't thrown that stupid party last summer where they crossdressed. I don't see why any of it matters! I don't see how wearing fake tits can make you feel like a woman or why feeling like a woman is even a thing or even what "feeling like a woman" is.

I've been crying a lot lately. It's like my whole life has gone to shit lately and there is nothing I can do about it and I have no control of anything. I fight with my kid every day to get him to go to school, and even if he does, half the time he is lying and goes to sit at a coffee shop and I have to walk there and go collect him. Then there are all his appointments and supports to keep him out of the hole where he wants to kill himself. Then there's my husband telling me that his brain is trying to kill him again. Happens every once in a while. My other partner is apparently a totally different person and everything there is going to be drama too. My mother's cancer seems to be progressing and I'm also not speaking to her because she said some truly unforgiveable things last time. Honestly I just want to run away and lie on a beach and never come back.

I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. Haven't I had enough yet??? I'm fucking tired.
 
I'm sorry that you have all of these frustrating tiresome things going on - it sounds exhausting. And there is a lot of things that you DON't have control over - namely things going on inside other peoples' heads, cancer cells multiplying, etc. I'd like to be able to tell you that things won't always be this way - kid won't always be a kid, cancer does what it does, people move through various stages of their lives, etc. - but these are not always positives, things may not always be THIS way but they will always be SOME way. You can't change or control other people - you can support them (or not) and they can work on their stuff (or not). For me a lot of frustration comes from feeling responsible for someone without having the power to significantly change the situation. I like to fix things,

Vicki82 said:
....all of this makes no sense and that gender is stupid and full of stereotypes.
... I don't see why any of it matters! I don't see how wearing fake tits can make you feel like a woman or why feeling like a woman is even a thing or even what "feeling like a woman" is.
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I hear you on this. I don't understand either. But I am not in your situation - so I am more curious and less frustrated.

(I started writing a longer reply but then got off-topic so I turned it into a blog post)
 
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Henry is dead. He killed himself. He was in a car accident two weeks ago and the ptsd wouldn't let him go.

I just can't anymore. I will sell my soul to have him back omg he can't really be gone I need him.
 
Oh Vicki, I'm so very sorry.
 
Oh no! How horrible. I am so very sorry, Vicki.
 
I’m so very sorry.
 
Oh no!!!
I just read it and stopped in horror and disbelief. I'm so sorry :(
 
More hugs, Vicki.
 
I am so sorry, I just read this and I am devastated for you.
 
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