re: Birthday Plans
Or maybe, she's like me and doesn't give two hoots about her birthday...thinks it is just another day to be grateful to be alive, and would be thrilled to be invited to your party so she doesn't have to pretend to deal with it in any particular way (while having the excuse of not attending because she "has her own plans" - like binge-watching 'Stranger Things' alone). Just saying...
Also, in addition to not "celebrating" my birthday...I would never host a party, invite people to my house, etc. so this whole dilemma is extrodinarily foreign to me! SLeW always "invites" me to the parties that she hosts (knowing that I have zero interest in attending) - last weekend her husband turned 50, I have the PERFECT out - I offer to take her dogs off her hands so she doesn't need to corral them while she has people over... SO. MUCH. WIN. She doesn't have to worry about her dogs...I don't have to attend a social event...I get more dogs while getting credit for doing a favor! Everyone is HAPPY! (Don't get me wrong, she would be happy if I attended...but loves me enough that she understands that I love her even when I don't.)
JaneQ
Also a possibility! And until I hear what she would normally do, I'm just guessing. So I'm trying to shelve the whole thing until then.
I love hosting parties, Jane! Always have. I hate the cleaning but I love the sense of offering people my hospitality and going over the top. Like the murder mystery party we hosted in the summer, I bought decorations to make a murder scene and we made a Mardi Gras theme appropriate menu as well. I would rather host than go to someone else's house because I know everyone so I feel less awkward, and I know the food which makes me feel more comfortable as a picky person, and I'm in my own space.
For my birthday I generally do a big open house all day on the nearest Saturday and people will come from up to several hours away to celebrate with me. We occasionally do a "thing" of some sort in the early afternoon like an escape room but other than that it's just lots of delicious food, birthday cake, board games, and hangouts. We also have a hot tub so people can use that as well. My house is small so it can get a little crowded but it's always been fun.
I feel like maybe I'm just stuck in my head a bunch lately, and that could be a Thing. Today was a bit disappointing. Henry and I haven't had a lot of quality time together lately because of fatigue, responsibilities etc and he had asked me if I wanted to spend time together today and have sex. I said sure! Then I found out he had to go out in the morning to pick up stuff from work even though he's off today, he had a couple of household errands to run, and had to go see Tina to help her get something set up before Open House at the local maker space and then he'd be hanging out with her in the evening.
I dunno, but suddenly I kind of felt shoe horned in rather than us having plans, especially since he tends to overbudget his energy and I figured something wasn't going to work out. And I just felt kind of deprioritized, even though I know that wasn't his intention. I try really hard to take a step back when there's stuff he wants to do (partners or otherwise) because I know our relationship can handle a ding or two but maybe other connections can't. And I just felt sad this time which doesn't exactly lead to wanting to be sexual. It was interesting, because when we discussed it, he pointed out that I bounce between him and Charles with no issues, and I asked him if that made him feel any sort of ways. He said no, and so he hadn't thought that I would, either- which is fair. I'm not really sure quite why I am feeling the way I am, so I'll have to sit with it for a while.
It felt like more of a confluence of things. He had a medical procedure yesterday which gets done regularly and tends to sap his energy a bit, and I always worry about him for a day or two afterwards. I guess I just had expectations that we'd have time to focus on each other and it felt like it kept getting munched back. He's also going to be spending the whole weekend with Tina so between work and household stuff we aren't getting much time in together. And I totally get that there have been many weeks that because of plans or fatigue he hasn't seen her at all so I have no problems with him going. I am making my own plans to order my favourite takeout and hang out with my son since Charles is working all weekend as well. But I just don't quite feel right.
Henry asked me if what I wanted was for him to budget the whole day for me when he wants to have sex and I said no, that's not really it either. I guess in this case it was more the feeling of all the little changes kept building up so I felt deprioritized? And maybe setting a clearer expectation of a time block would have worked better? I am not sure and I told him that I probably need to process it.
Am I envious of their whole weekend uninterrupted with household stuff? Yeah, that's probably part of it. But I mean that's just how life goes. We have a kid and there's always stuff on the to-do list. Blocks of uninterrupted time are at a premium. And also I'm glad he gets to have some downtime, because he needs it. After all, I got some with Charles this summer when we went to Cancun. And when we want time together, Charles will often babysit for us- but anything multiple day is generally not feasible because Charles has to work weekends.
I really don't know though. I'm thinking it's likely this is more stuff in my head than anything he's doing. When Charles and I were early in our relationship I had the sense he was arranging plans sometimes out of obligation and not because he wanted to and we worked though that- it was different communication patterns. But that really shouldn't be the issue with Henry. I know he wants to spend time with me. And he hasn't been NRE crazy or anything like that, although I know he's very happy with Tina and that's great because he deserves it. Depression is a bitch, after all.
This was kind of stream of consciousness. Not really sure if it's going to resolve much but I'll try.
