Polysaturated or polyexhausted?

[neopoly]

Hello,

I know this question is really individual and depends on many different things, but I want to ask how many partners/lovers do you think is ok to have? Do you have any methods or tips how to know if are you preoccupied with relationships or how do you deal with a situation when do you have too many partners but love all of them and don't want to break up?

I am asking myself this question for like two months when I happened to be "dating" five people. (I cohabitated in a triad with two men and I dated one woman and two other men). I love them all but feel a little exhausted and stressed. In the end, I wasn't able to enjoy even quite a nice date.

I have some problems with one with my not-cohabitating lover, Mr. Green. He was really busy, that kind of unrespecting my feelings, and also our our agreement, and finally these days he is freaking out about me kind of leaving him. I spent the weekend with him and his wife and it was kind of crazy. We cannot be open about our relationship constellation. So Mr. Green and I pretend all the time that there is nothing between us. There wasn't an argument between me and Mrs. Green. We were polite and quite nice to each other. But I just have the feeling, she isn't happy. And the beginning of my relationship with Mr. Green, she wanted also dated someone else. But at the last days, she seems to be happy with only one partner and some strong friendships. I feel like I don't want to be in this V anymore, even if I like them both and love Mr. Green. It is just too complicated for me. I kind of hate to be "the other" or "the stranger" in a mono-poly relationship. It was beautiful for a time...

I also fell in love with one young queer man (let's call him C). It was a friendship with some romantic things, but it somehow evolved into "dating." But I find myself doing his relationship too much like with Mr. Green and expect him to do similar things. He is more romantic. Sometimes I feel like it is great to date many people, but then it makes me stressed and unable to focus on one relationship.

 

[Magdlyn]

I know this question is really individual and depends on many different things, but I want to ask, how many partners/lovers do you think it is OK to have? Do you have any methods or tips on how to know if are you preoccupied with relationships? How do you deal with a situation when you have too many partners, but love all of them and don't want to break up?

You pick your "less hard" choice. None of the choices to break up, or switch to a platonic friendship and not a romantic intimate one, will be easy. But yes, it's very possible to be exhausted and not able to give your best to everyone. So it may be kindest to some partners, and easier on exhausted you, to let some of the romantic entanglements go. Or at least make them less intense, less of a priority.

I call it the "kid in a candy store" syndrome. It's like, Yay! I'm poly! I can have multiple partners. But just because you "can" doesn't mean you "should."

I have been asking myself this question for about two months. I happen to be "dating" five people. (I cohabitate in a triad with two men and I also dated one woman and two other men.) I love them all, but feel a little exhausted and stressed. In the end, I wasn't able to enjoy even quite a nice date.

Yeah, that's a lot of people, all right.

I have some problems with one of my non-cohabitating lovers, Mr. Green. He was really busy, which kind of disrespected my feelings, and also our agreement. Finally, recently, he kind of freaked out about me kind of leaving him.

That is a lot of "kind ofs." Is nothing clear, or out in the open?

I spent a weekend with him and his wife, and it was kind of crazy. We were in a confrontation, about how we could not be open about our relationship constellation. Mr. Green and I pretend all the time that there is nothing between us.

There wasn't any argument between me and Mrs. Green. We were polite and quite nice to each other. But I just have a feeling that she isn't happy. In the beginning of my relationship with Mr. Green, she also wanted to date someone else. But recently, she seems to be happy with only one partner and some strong friendships.

I feel like I don't want to be in this V anymore, even if I like them both and love Mr. Green. It is just too complicated for me. I kind of hate to be "the other" or "the stranger" in a mono-poly relationship. But it was beautiful for some time.

What is wrong with her being mono, while Mr Green is poly? Why do you have a hated feeling of being a stranger? I can see having that feeling if you're going around to their friends as just another "friend." But how does that relate to Ms Green's dating preferences? By the way, you can date Mr Green without hanging out with Ms Green, if you feel uncomfortable around her.

I also fell in love with one young queer man (let's call him C). It was a friendship with some romantic things. But it somehow evolved into "dating." But I find myself doing his relationship too much like with Mr. Green and expect him to do similar things. He is more romantic.

Yes, each relationship takes its own shape, according to the personalities involved. If you don't like it, you can leave it and just go back to being friends, if C agrees to that.

Sometimes I feel like it is great to date many people, but then it makes me stressed and unable to focus on one relationship.

Yep. Polysaturation happens. Know your limits.

 

[PinkPig]

As you've said, poly saturation is a very personal thing and it's specific to the people you're dating and where you are personally, at the time, plus your personality. I get poly saturated very quickly...but then I work a lot of hours in my business, travel a fair amount, volunteer, care for an ailing parent, and have three adult children in three different cities. Plus, I'm somewhat introverted and need a fair amount of time to myself. And, of course, I enjoy spending time with my friends. Two partners is all I currently have time and energy to juggle. For me, if I do not have the time and energy to manage my commitments and do self-care, then I am too saturated and something has to give. We talk a lot about time being a finite resource, but I find my energy is likewise finite. If I'm feeling stressed and drained all the time, something has to give.

Your situation with Mr. & Mrs. Green doesn't necessarily sound like a poly saturation issue. Just sounds like the relationship has run its course. That happens. It's perfectly acceptable to end a relationship if it isn't working for you anymore regardless of whether you're saturated or still seeking other partners.

 

[GalaGirl]

I know this question is really individual and depends on many different things but i want to ask how many partners/lovers do you think is ok to have?

One less than I have the energy and time for. And my need for rest counts as a slot.

A long time ago I was seeing 4 guys and it was wearing me out. Like I CAN see 4 people, but this was nuts on my schedule back then. I cut it back to 3 and that was better. But then I realized school/work was a big slot and I wasn't even giving me a rest slot. I was out doing something every night! So I cut it back to 2 and that was a LOT better balance. I had time/energy/space for school/work, my own rest, seeing BF 1, seeing BF 2, seeing my friends, AND some time and space available for any emergency thing to come up. I learned I had to "count" these other obligations as a time slot too. Not just count who I was dating as a time slot. Because there is only 24 hours in a day.

And I also had to be ok saying NO. There was 1 person I REALLY wanted to date, but my dance card was already full, and I had to pick how to best "spend" my time slots. Cuz I wasn't gonna magically get a bigger dance card. Those were all the time slots I had.

I had to pick -- develop the ones already there and skip dating this new person. Or cut one out to make a time slot to spend exploring things with a new person. And I decided my card was full enough and I had to only be friends with the new person despite the mutual attraction. Again... only 24 hours in a day.

Today? I'm not seeing anyone else. Work keeps me super busy and lot of my time slots are taken up by eldercare and kids. My marriage and friends are often on the back burner out of necessity. They get the short end of the stick a lot. But everyone in my age group gets it -- we are ALL spinning the same plates. If I cannot even give my spouse the time and attention I want to give? Or my friends? Or my own rest? I have no business tacking on more obligations. So I just have to wait this out. Wait to be done with all this "sandwich" phase of life before I can rearrange again. It's too hard for me to deal with wrapping up raising kids with one hand and dealing with sick/dying elders with the other.

If I'm honest? I'm over it. I'm at the place of "Hurry up and die, old people. Hurry up and graduate and move out young people. I'm tired of being the Mom and dealing with all this. I want to be just ME again." So... I'm waiting it out. Both spouse and I are looking forward to retirement and being DONE with this phase of life and entering the next one. Not being responsible for anyone else but ourselves again.

So... keep in mind that whatever phase of life you are in now means you have X open slots? Your open slots might change later on due to life age and stage.

Which is why I say... 1 less slot than you have time and energy for. If you can do 5? Actually do 4. If you can do 3? Actually do 2? You MUST count time for work, friends, rest and your other obligations as time slots too. Not just the people you date. Time is not infinite.

Do you have any methods or tips how to know if are you preoccupied with relationships or how do you deal with a situation when do you have too many partners but love all of them and don't want to break up?

I break up. I may not WANT to, but if that's the healthiest choice? Because I have too many partners and now I am overextended? Then I have to do it and drop some. Because I have to love ME too. And NOT overextend myself. Because I can love someone a whole lot, but I also have to be able to say "No. Not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. "

And I have to love them enough to let it go -- and not be giving them the short end of the stick. It's not nice to keep people on the string, not deliver on promises, etc. Taking up THEIR time slot when really the quality of what I can offer them at this time is just meh.

Like right now if I dated more people... what are people gonna do? Come over here and help me catch up chores, chase my Alzheimer father around, deal with teen drama? Oh, yeah. SUCH a hot date!

If you are spreading yourself too thin and not getting rest and running on fumes? Then this behavior is hurting you. It is not you showing loving care toward YOU. And you have to count in this system too. Not just the people you date count. YOU have to count too.

So you HAVE to let some of your obligations go. Not because you don't love the person. But because people cannot be like Superman or Wonder Woman doing ALL THE THINGS EVER. Just not humanly possible.

I am asking myself this question for like two months when I happened to be "dating" five people. (I cohabitated in a triad with two men and I dated one woman and two other men) I love them all but feel a little exhausted and stressed. In the end, I wasn't able to enjoy even quite a nice date.

So 5 is too many, because you are shortchanging yourself on rest and doing your self care and cannot even enjoy the dates. Personal limitation reached.

I feel like I don't want to be in this V anymore. Even if I like them both and love Mr.Green. It is just too complicated for me.

Not working out/too complicated. So end it. It is not the end of the world. Sometimes in dating life things don't pan out. It happens.

Sometimes I feel like it is great to date many people, but then it makes me stressed and unable to focus on one relationship.

Keep this easier on yourself then. Do not "float along into things" so you end up dating more people than you intend. Be firmer of purpose.

Decide to date only X people so you can focus and be less stressed and actually enjoy your dates.

Do better time management so you aren't running on empty.

You might be very attracted and interested in other potentials... but no. If your dance card is full and you don't want to break up with anyone? It's full then.

Limit of the Universe that you cannot be like Superman or Wonder Woman with super powers!

Just because you are poly and can date more than one person? Doesn't mean you have to date the whole world all at the same time and wear yourself out to the nubbins!

You have to take care of YOU too.

Galagirl

 

[Vicki82]

Honestly? I don't know how people can have more than two really deep, emotionally intimate relationships. Even if you all live together, you still need to have that one on one time and there just aren't enough days in the week to give everyone that quality time (note that this is my opinion only). Plus there's life stuff and chores and kids and I want to see my friends too! Plus I need down time for myself.

I would be okay having an occasional FWB or a comet or something that was casual. But I don't have the bandwidth for intense passionate romantic love with more than two. Occasionally I even feel a little stretched timewise with two.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi neopoly,

Love is an abundant resource. If love was all you needed in order to date people, you could easily date dozens of people and enjoy rich relationships with all of them. But dating people requires time, money, and energy ... and all three of those are limited resources. This is the reason why we have what is called polysaturation (or polyexhaustion if you prefer). I think Vicki82 has the right idea; that is, that for most people, two partners is the most you can handle without becoming oversaturated. So yeah, five partners is a lot. Some people can juggle five, everyone's different, and you have to figure out what works for you. But I'll just say I'm not surprised that you're feeling exhausted, and not even able to enjoy a simple date. You need to reduce your load.

I would say the first thing to do, is, to stop looking for new partners. Stop considering new partners. Close your door. If someone says, "I'd like to date you," tell them, "I'm sorry, I'm already dating as many people as I can manage." Say that to them even if you have the hots for them. Don't make your situation worse (or more complicated) than it already is.

Next, ask yourself, "Is there anyone I'm already dating, whom, it would be okay for me to stop dating them?" You mentioned Mr. Green and said, "I feel like I don't want to be in this V anymore." Add that to the fact that you are feeling saturated, and maybe this is the Universe's way of telling you that it's time to break up with Mr. Green. Hopefully you could still be friends with him, and you would still have four intense/romantic relationships, but that's still one less and you might find you can handle four. It would probably be a relief, right?

There's nothing wrong, in theory, with dating five, ten, twenty, or even a hundred people. But at some point I think practical considerations come into the picture, and that is what is happening in your situation at this time. Cut yourself some slack.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[neopoly]

Hello all of you,

thank you for your responses. It helps.

I maybe actually have a "kid in a candy store syndrom" or I simply have it. Even if it seems to be nice and good working - having all these relationships - I found out, that I actually feel a lot tired. And my primary or nesting partners also feel uncertain and sometimes neglected.

I also found myself kind of hating my job and still questioning my work productivity (even though I also finished some big projects recently).

Maybe I need to transform my relationship with Mr. Grenn into friendship (if he wanst to). I maybe tend to blame Mrs. Green, but it wasn't probably fair. I find myself not able to make end or say no.

Having two nesting and two other relationships could be also a lot, but I maybe can manage it. My "other" relationship could be mayb seen as not so intensive - with Lady D. we meet for long date like once a month, we text a little and have coffee once a week. I kind of love this intensity of the relationship, it makes it sustainable.

 

[kdt26417]

It's good that your relationship with Lady D is less intense, that makes it so you won't quite be so worn out. As for Mr. Green and Mrs. Green, I feel it is not really anyone's fault, Mrs. Green can't help it if she feels unhappy, and besides ... this has more to do with polysaturation than anything else. Just try friendship with Mr. Green for awhile, and see if that helps.

 

[GalaGirl]

Maybe I need to transform my relationship with Mr. Grenn into friendship (if he wanst to). I maybe tend to blame Mrs. Green, but it wasn't probably fair. I find myself not able to make end or say no.

Well, that's a relationship skill to learn then. How to end something.

Esp when you wrote

I feel like I don't want to be in this V anymore. Even if I like them both and love Mr.Green. It is just too complicated for me.

If you don't want to be there in a V any more? Why keep being there?

If you keep participating in things that have actually become unsuitable just because you don't know HOW to end things? But keep on dating more new people? You may end up where you are at all over again -- feeling run down because your time is stretched too thin across too many people.

Galagirl