I (28F) started seeing someone new (29M), and there's been a few bumps.
Background: my husband (30M) and I have been open/poly for 3 years and it's been great. I've dated two different people in that time, both of whom I still see to some degree.
I wasn't actively looking for anyone new but I met a guy through social media, we started talking and immediately connected. Shared interests and sense of humour, mutual attraction, the whole deal. He's single, been mono in the past, and has never been with anyone poly. I explained my marriage and boundaries upfront, the fact that I had other partners as well, and he admitted it would be new for him but that he really liked me and was willing to give it a shot. So after about a week of texting every day, we agreed to meet up for a first date.
It was amazing. We spent the entire evening talking about our lives, interests, laughed a lot, held hands. I felt a deep sense of connection, like we'd known each other a long time even though it was the first time we'd met in person. We made out for a while before the end of the night. Just a magical date.
We continued texting that night after the date and in a moment of reflection, he admitted that he was already in love with me. I was surprised that he put it out there after only the first date, but I knew I had feelings for him too and I was honest about that in return.
We agreed to meet up for a second date a few days later. It was even better than the first. He made his feelings clear by reiterating them in person, as did I. We both knew it was moving fast, lots of NRE, but I was never uneasy about it, everything felt right. We slept together afterward and it was wonderful. I was looking forward to seeing him again.
We texted frequently the next few days, and then suddenly, he stopped replying at his usual pace. I knew something was up but I didn't press for details, I figured he'd tell me when he was ready. And after a couple days of laboured replies, he did. He had found out he was a father and worried it would change things between us. I was surprised of course, one of the things we hadn't discussed much was his dating history (other than him being currently single) so I asked for details. All he said was that it was someone he'd been with for a while. I told him having a child wasn't a dealbreaker for me. But I could tell the revelation had him rattled and he had a lot of weight on his shoulders because of it. Even though I wanted to, I didn't ask how he found out or the specifics of what was going on, because again, I figured he would tell me those things once he'd had time to process. So I just told him I was here for him and to take whatever time he needed.
For a couple more weeks, the responses remained slow, and I did wonder if I was about to get ghosted. He never went no contact, but there'd be days with one text back and forth. He also happened to be sick, so I just gave him space, I couldn't imagine how he must have been feeling. But I missed him. He'd send an "I love you" or an "I miss you" text here or there, I didn't feel completely ignored, but we had been texting so much that I missed it, missed seeing his face.
The texting has picked up again, not quite like the beginning but he's slowly coming back to himself. A few days ago, he asked when I'd have some alone time and I named a day, asked if it worked for him. He said he'd let me know, but he never did. I haven't seen him since that second date. I don't know anything more about his kid than what he initially told me, I suppose I've been hesitant to ask because it's such a heavy subject and I don't know what his thoughts are about it yet. He's said he'll be okay, he'll be "back to normal" soon but I'm wondering what to do.
Continue giving him space to deal with it? Ask the questions I want to know? It feels like we were put on pause just as we were getting to a deeper place of knowing each other. The time I've had to reflect has caused some doubts, made me wonder if getting attached so early was a mistake even though everything felt right. We've yet to see each other's places, he hasn't met my husband yet, there's a lot we never got the chance to do before this came up. And it does seem to have changed things as he worried it would, but instead of on my end, it's on his.
The texting is more sex-driven recently, as it's been a few weeks since we've been together. He's not shy about telling me he wants me, which of course I enjoy, but with all these questions floating around, I need answers before we can push further. And I'm concerned that he flaked on hanging out without an explanation, even just to say "that day doesn't work for me" etc. Either answer would have gone a long way instead of leaving it up in the air.
I'm just looking for an outside perspective on this, thoughts on how to proceed. I'm a patient person, I can absolutely wait for him to sort out whatever he needs to if that's the case. I feel like an in-person conversation where I can ask some pressing questions may be all we need to smooth over the bumps, but I'm interested to hear some different perspectives, insights, red flags you noticed that I've missed?
Background: my husband (30M) and I have been open/poly for 3 years and it's been great. I've dated two different people in that time, both of whom I still see to some degree.
I wasn't actively looking for anyone new but I met a guy through social media, we started talking and immediately connected. Shared interests and sense of humour, mutual attraction, the whole deal. He's single, been mono in the past, and has never been with anyone poly. I explained my marriage and boundaries upfront, the fact that I had other partners as well, and he admitted it would be new for him but that he really liked me and was willing to give it a shot. So after about a week of texting every day, we agreed to meet up for a first date.
It was amazing. We spent the entire evening talking about our lives, interests, laughed a lot, held hands. I felt a deep sense of connection, like we'd known each other a long time even though it was the first time we'd met in person. We made out for a while before the end of the night. Just a magical date.
We continued texting that night after the date and in a moment of reflection, he admitted that he was already in love with me. I was surprised that he put it out there after only the first date, but I knew I had feelings for him too and I was honest about that in return.
We agreed to meet up for a second date a few days later. It was even better than the first. He made his feelings clear by reiterating them in person, as did I. We both knew it was moving fast, lots of NRE, but I was never uneasy about it, everything felt right. We slept together afterward and it was wonderful. I was looking forward to seeing him again.
We texted frequently the next few days, and then suddenly, he stopped replying at his usual pace. I knew something was up but I didn't press for details, I figured he'd tell me when he was ready. And after a couple days of laboured replies, he did. He had found out he was a father and worried it would change things between us. I was surprised of course, one of the things we hadn't discussed much was his dating history (other than him being currently single) so I asked for details. All he said was that it was someone he'd been with for a while. I told him having a child wasn't a dealbreaker for me. But I could tell the revelation had him rattled and he had a lot of weight on his shoulders because of it. Even though I wanted to, I didn't ask how he found out or the specifics of what was going on, because again, I figured he would tell me those things once he'd had time to process. So I just told him I was here for him and to take whatever time he needed.
For a couple more weeks, the responses remained slow, and I did wonder if I was about to get ghosted. He never went no contact, but there'd be days with one text back and forth. He also happened to be sick, so I just gave him space, I couldn't imagine how he must have been feeling. But I missed him. He'd send an "I love you" or an "I miss you" text here or there, I didn't feel completely ignored, but we had been texting so much that I missed it, missed seeing his face.
The texting has picked up again, not quite like the beginning but he's slowly coming back to himself. A few days ago, he asked when I'd have some alone time and I named a day, asked if it worked for him. He said he'd let me know, but he never did. I haven't seen him since that second date. I don't know anything more about his kid than what he initially told me, I suppose I've been hesitant to ask because it's such a heavy subject and I don't know what his thoughts are about it yet. He's said he'll be okay, he'll be "back to normal" soon but I'm wondering what to do.
Continue giving him space to deal with it? Ask the questions I want to know? It feels like we were put on pause just as we were getting to a deeper place of knowing each other. The time I've had to reflect has caused some doubts, made me wonder if getting attached so early was a mistake even though everything felt right. We've yet to see each other's places, he hasn't met my husband yet, there's a lot we never got the chance to do before this came up. And it does seem to have changed things as he worried it would, but instead of on my end, it's on his.
The texting is more sex-driven recently, as it's been a few weeks since we've been together. He's not shy about telling me he wants me, which of course I enjoy, but with all these questions floating around, I need answers before we can push further. And I'm concerned that he flaked on hanging out without an explanation, even just to say "that day doesn't work for me" etc. Either answer would have gone a long way instead of leaving it up in the air.
I'm just looking for an outside perspective on this, thoughts on how to proceed. I'm a patient person, I can absolutely wait for him to sort out whatever he needs to if that's the case. I feel like an in-person conversation where I can ask some pressing questions may be all we need to smooth over the bumps, but I'm interested to hear some different perspectives, insights, red flags you noticed that I've missed?
