Performance issues with Spouse

1

1QuarterQuad

New member
Hi All,

I will try to keep this detailed yet concise. I am feeling pretty alone in my struggles as I have yet to hear of anyone with this problem. I am hoping someone may have experienced this or can guide me in the right direction.

So, here it goes.

About 6 years ago I had a random serious medical incident, since then I have been experiencing bouts of anxiety, even though it likely will not reoccur and there is no lasting damage. I can generally control the anxiety but it caused some sexual problems between my wife and I all those years ago. This was well before we entered into the lifestyle. I overcame that through meditation and generally taking better care of myself.

We entered the Lifestyle about 5 years ago in a swinging aspect and all was good for performance anxiety, minus the occasional nerves with a new partner.

A couple years ago we entered into a poly relationship with another couple. We are a closed quad and we are all so so happy. Lots of lessons, not always perfect, but we are doing quite well.

About a year ago, I was quite stressed with work and I had a few failed attempts sexually with my wife. This cascaded into a horrible loop where I could not perform with her. Especially in the evenings. We communicate it and we discuss but I cannot seem to get out of my head when we get intimate. It went away for a while yet I still avoided night time sex out of fear of failure. It's starting up again and I am panicking again.

Where I am really struggling is with the fact that these same anxieties are NOT present with my poly partner. My performance is fine. My poly partner is a very passionate person and my wife is not as much. This is not a dig, this is something that we actually acknowledge and my wife loves the fact I get that passion and "cheese" from my poly partner. My wife also acknowledges that she needs to work on her passion towards me as it has been waning as of late due to fears of my failure and subsequent disappointment and self punishment.

She is my wife, I am so very sexually attracted to her and I love her more than anything. We have decades of history. She is the LAST person this should be happening with.

Please help, I feel so alone.
 
I take it you're a guy.

Men do not need to "perform." You're not a trained seal. Also, you are far from alone in this problem. Polyamory just has a way of shining a light on emotional issues. This could have happened even if you were mono. It's happened to billlions, trillions, of couples, hetero or gay, over the millennia of human history.

You can engage in lovely sexy times with your wife without penetrative sex. I assume that other sexual activities are still enjoyable for both of you? If you've never done much besides PIV poking, it's time to explore that.

Any sex therapist will tell you you are putting too much emphasis on a hard cock. I have read about, and watched videos on youtube about "homework" in cases like this.

Here are some examples of things to do.

To awaken your wife's passion, and to put less emphasis on PIV as the definition of "sex" for you, take a holiday from any expectations of traditional male/female intercourse.

In fact, for a time, you should avoid anything sexual at all. No sex of any kind! Focus on romance, connecting emotionally. One on one dinners with candles. Long walks. Cuddles on the couch or lazy mornings in bed. Take a nice vacation. Whatever activities and dates you both like. While doing these things, compliment each other. Every day, think of one new nice thing to say to her.

Then, work up to giving each other massages a few times. The one getting massaged should be naked, the massager clothed. NO "happy endings," even if you do get hard, or she gets aroused. No touching of breasts, buttocks or genitals. One night, you give her a massage. The next night, she gives you one. Separate after each massage. Go to different rooms. Masturbate if you want. No sex with each other! You can do this part for as many days, or weeks, or months, as you like.

After some time doing both these activities, move to kissing. Making out. Again, no touching of erogenous zones. Pretend you're teenagers.

Finally, move to some fondling. Then, after a while, get naked and use your mouths. Only after all of this has been going on for quite some time (which will vary, but it is often recommended to take several months), do you go on to PIV. If it still doesn't work, back off to "moreplay" activities.

I hope this helps.

Above all, do not compare you wife to your gf. Be with your wife, when you are with her. Be in the moment.
 
Hello 1QuarterQuad,

There are things you can take to help your performance, here are just a few:

  • Viagra
  • Cialis
  • Levitra
  • Yohimbe
  • Horny goat weed
Also, I recommend you set up an appointment with a sex therapist. This might be something for you and your wife to attend together. Honestly, with the physical help (taking the supplements), it may boost your confidence, and it's pretty apparent that this is (at least partly) being caused by a deficiency in the confidence area. You need to figure out how to get that confidence back.

Certainly try what Magdlyn is suggesting, but I also do think it would help you to talk to a sex therapist. These are just some ideas for now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
I recommend you set up an appointment with a sex therapist. This might be something for you and your wife to attend together. Honestly, with the physical help (taking the supplements), it may boost your confidence, and it's pretty apparent that this is (at least partly) being caused by a deficiency in the confidence area. You need to figure out how to get that confidence back.

You could ertainly try what Magdlyn is suggesting, but I think it would help you to talk to a sex therapist.
Click to expand...


Kevin, there is no try, there is only do.

My recommendations come straight from a sex therapist's recommended homework.

It can be difficult to find accredited sex therapists, as Karen suggested. I doubt you've ever been to one, Kevin.

Any regular marriage counselor is used to working with issues with couples having trouble connecting emotionally or sexually, so one of those could be hired as well, to add to the actual "sex homework" I suggest.

The drugs you recommended are for physical problems with getting erections. Our member said he can get hard with his OSO, so obviously it's not a physical problem (due to age, lowered testosterone, other medical issues like drug side effects), but a lack of connection with his wife, who has lost some of her passion as well. My suggestions are meant to increase emotional connection, increase non-sexual touching, and add more words of affirmation.
 
Basically, you are getting too far into your own head. The fear of not being able to get it up is the likely cause of you not being able to get it up. You've said nothing to indicate she no longer turns you on. How does she act if this happens? IS there a lack of intimacy as Mags assumes? Being in a new relationship can make the old one feel stale, especially if the more familiar partner is, shall we say, "lacking in enthusiasm". Been there, done all of this.

BTW, things like Viagra and Cialis are not just for physical problems. In fact, if you have physical problems it is better to address them as those drugs are not likely to help anything. However, as Kevin said, they can do wonders for your confidence. They are also not bad for recreational use...lol.
 
1QuarterQuad said:
Hi All,

About a year ago, I was quite stressed with work and I had a few failed attempts sexually with my wife. This cascaded into a horrible loop where I could not perform with her. Especially in the evenings. We communicate it and we discuss but I cannot seem to get out of my head when we get intimate. It went away for a while yet I still avoided night time sex out of fear of failure. It's starting up again and I am panicking again.

Where I am really struggling is with the fact that these same anxieties are NOT present with my poly partner. My performance is fine. My poly partner is a very passionate person and my wife is not as much. This is not a dig, this is something that we actually acknowledge and my wife loves the fact I get that passion and "cheese" from my poly partner. My wife also acknowledges that she needs to work on her passion towards me as it has been waning as of late due to fears of my failure and subsequent disappointment and self punishment.
Click to expand...

Does this truly bother your wife and has she told you directly this has effected her self esteem or is this another fear you have ???Because from your post it sounds like you’re the person more deeply effected by this. The personal embarrassment ? OR Is it the implied message it might be sending to your wife which you think could be hurtful to her. But based on your history and circumstance of her having another sexual outlet this might not be the huge problem that you’re working yourself up to thinking it is.


“You communicate and discuss but you can’t get out of your head “ what specifically is it youre discussing ??? Expectations? The pressure you’re feeling to perform.? The lack of passion and cheese ?

Who knows if there is some deep dark psychological reason for this or something super simple like the more you think and fear something happening that’s what happens. Either way I’d say your body is telling you something your brain doesn’t want to hear and it’s making you stop and listen or stop and confront this.

Mags suggested you don’t compare your wife to your gf and gf to wife. I doubt that actually possible and human nature to do that but another question might be are you comparing yourself to your wife’s other partner consciously or maybe subconsciously?? Could this be adding stress ??
 
dingedheart said:
... your body is telling you something your brain doesn’t want to hear
Click to expand...

The body always knows better than the brain and will speak in quiet ways if listened to or louder ways if ignored. Erection-centric sex is just so teenage and limited. Seems to take male bodies about 50 years to discover this. The owners of those bodies can try to fight this wisdom and continue on with more of the same old erection fascination or they can tune in and discover a whole new world of sexual energy, sexual pleasure and partner connection. Or they can address this by throwing a pill at the "problem," bypassing body wisdom altogether and getting more of the same old same old same old. Your choice.

Our bodies are always talking to us loud and clear about our relationships.
 
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Re (from FallenAngelina):
"How do people find sex therapists?"
Click to expand...

LOL, I admit I don't know. Look in the yellow pages? "Sex therapists." I kind of figured it wasn't too hard to find one, but maybe I'm wrong. Could you google it?

Re (from Magdlyn):
"I doubt you've ever been to one, Kevin."
Click to expand...

I admit that's true. I just thought it sounded like a super good idea.

Re (from vinsanity0):
"The fear of not being able to get it up is the likely cause of you not being able to get it up."
Click to expand...

Exactly. I figure anything that can help with that anxiety is worth it, even if it's just a placebo effect.
 
Let me chime in here. (56 yo married heterosexual man BTW.) Like Magdlyn said, if a man is having problems getting it up with one woman, but not with another, it's clearly psychological, not physiological. A mental health professional with expertise and experience treating sexual issues could be helpful.

Also, like Magdlyn said, it doesn't have to be a person who is specifically a "sex therapist". A psychologist or social worker trained and experienced in relationship issues likely could also handle the situation. You don't just want to go to some random individual listed in the phone book or online though. Unfortunately, there are a lot of fools and incompetents out there masquerading as trained professionals. You want to go with someone who is recommended by reliable source(s). Also important is that the patient/client have good chemistry with the therapist. So, even if the therapist is well recommended, but you just don't feel comfortable or right with him/her, don't use that person.

Good luck!!!
 
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Since I identify as a female (having a vagina, labia, clit, etc., [but cancer and a hysterectomy removed my uterus and fallopian tubes and ovaries in 2016]), of course, I can't directly relate to ED.

But the videos I referred to included a MF couple, wherein the female was menopausal and had been experiencing vaginal atrophy for several years. Intercourse had become impossible. This means lubrication stops, and the vagina shrinks so that nothing much can fit inside.

So, she had been avoiding any touch with her husband for years. They no longer cuddled on the couch, shared a bedroom, or did more than a peck of a kiss hello and goodbye occasionally.

She didn't want to turn her husband on if she couldn't "follow through" with PIV! But he admitted in therapy, he didn't care. He didn't mind getting hard if he touched her. He didn't mind masturbating. He just missed the cuddles and touch and physical intimacy other than typical intercourse. The emotional distance was terrible.

So, they saw a therapist that suggested the homework I outlined above. They so enjoyed the other kinds of emotional closeness and physical touch. Eventually they moved to moreplay, and were both so glad to be enjoying sex again. The woman regained her ability to have countless orgasms just from being stimulated without penetration. It was such a happy ending!
 
Magdlyn said:
But the videos I referred to included a MF couple, wherein the female was menopausal and had been experiencing vaginal atrophy for several years. Intercourse had become impossible. This means lubrication stops, and the vagina shrinks so that nothing much can fit inside.

So, she had been avoiding any touch with her husband for years. They no longer cuddled on the couch, shared a bedroom, or did more than a peck of a kiss hello and goodbye occasionally.

She didn't want to turn her husband on if she couldn't "follow through" with PIV! But he admitted in therapy, he didn't care. He didn't mind getting hard if he touched her. He didn't mind masturbating. He just missed the cuddles and touch and physical intimacy other than typical intercourse. The emotional distance was terrible.

So, they saw a therapist that suggested the homework I outlined above. They so enjoyed the other kinds of emotional closeness and physical touch. Eventually they moved to moreplay, and were both so glad to be enjoying sex again. The woman regained her ability to have countless orgasms just from being stimulated without penetration. It was such a happy ending!
Click to expand...


You realize the example you provided above is quite different than the situation the OP finds himself in. From all accounts their sexual needs are being satisfied. No one has gone yrs without touch or sex. In fact that might have been the motivation to open their relationship more sex . To me this is almost opposite.


Expectations :
I think this a key element in all of this. The reason I keep coming back to this is because old marriage expectations don’t fit in new poly dynamic. As we all know that practicing poly or being in an open relationship people then start acting as autonomous adults. They decide when or who to share their bodies with and who or what to spend time, energy and attention, discretionary money on.

Sometimes old expectations ( pre open marriage expectations ) get dragged into the new open / poly marriage.

Maybe the expectation going in was this will enhance “ our “ sex life. Maybe the expectation was this will solve sex drive issues. Maybe the expectation is/ was that spouse is on call for sex. Maybe there was never any expectation of a negative impact to there sex life. What we have is so special it can’t be touched or harmed. The problem is his body for whatever reason or reasons is expressing a preference.

I think everyone should be happy or rejoice in the fact that this is iNOT a situation like the one you outlined above. I think they should remove the expectation of PIV sex with her and as you suggest do other intimate things that they feel comfortable with and hopefully he can figure out the underlying issue.


All the players here have been open or poly for many yrs and I’m sure they’ve all gone had many changes ans experiences they had to adjust to I think this is just one more.


A question for 1QQ. Who’s idea was it to open and what was the motivation behind that ??
 
Magdlyn said:
I take it you're a guy.

You can engage in lovely sexy times with your wife without penetrative sex. I assume that other sexual activities are still enjoyable for both of you? If you've never done much besides PIV poking, it's time to explore that.

Any sex therapist will tell you you are putting too much emphasis on a hard cock. I have read about, and watched videos on youtube about "homework" in cases like this.

Here are some examples of things to do.

To awaken your wife's passion, and to put less emphasis on PIV as the definition of "sex" for you, take a holiday from any expectations of traditional male/female intercourse.

In fact, for a time, you should avoid anything sexual at all. No sex of any kind! Focus on romance, connecting emotionally. One on one dinners with candles. Long walks. Cuddles on the couch or lazy mornings in bed. Take a nice vacation. Whatever activities and dates you both like. While doing these things, compliment each other. Every day, think of one new nice thing to say to her.

Then, work up to giving each other massages a few times. The one getting massaged should be naked, the massager clothed. NO "happy endings," even if you do get hard, or she gets aroused. No touching of breasts, buttocks or genitals. One night, you give her a massage. The next night, she gives you one. Separate after each massage. Go to different rooms. Masturbate if you want. No sex with each other! You can do this part for as many days, or weeks, or months, as you like.

After some time doing both these activities, move to kissing. Making out. Again, no touching of erogenous zones. Pretend you're teenagers.

Finally, move to some fondling. Then, after a while, get naked and use your mouths. Only after all of this has been going on for quite some time (which will vary, but it is often recommended to take several months), do you go on to PIV. If it still doesn't work, back off to "moreplay" activities.

I hope this helps.

Above all, do not compare you wife to your gf. Be with your wife, when you are with her. Be in the moment.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your detailed and considerate response. My wife and I certainly explore and are no just PIV people. Foreplay has always been the majority of our sexy time. I like the idea you presented about slow playing and I will be talking to her about that. Like a re-set, back to early days when we would sneak around. lol.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello 1QuarterQuad,

There are things you can take to help your performance, here are just a few:

  • Viagra
  • Cialis
  • Levitra
  • Yohimbe
  • Horny goat weed
Also, I recommend you set up an appointment with a sex therapist. This might be something for you and your wife to attend together. Honestly, with the physical help (taking the supplements), it may boost your confidence, and it's pretty apparent that this is (at least partly) being caused by a deficiency in the confidence area. You need to figure out how to get that confidence back.

Certainly try what Magdlyn is suggesting, but I also do think it would help you to talk to a sex therapist. These are just some ideas for now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

I have thought about a sex therapist and will start making some calls. I need to get a handle on the psychology of it as it is absolutely not physiological. I have tried the "helper" pills and although they make me feel like my cock is 20 again, they do nothing when faced with anxiety. The body's physical and chemical reaction when faced with fight or flight anxiety is far more powerful than those pills unfortunately.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Basically, you are getting too far into your own head. The fear of not being able to get it up is the likely cause of you not being able to get it up. You've said nothing to indicate she no longer turns you on. How does she act if this happens? IS there a lack of intimacy as Mags assumes? Being in a new relationship can make the old one feel stale, especially if the more familiar partner is, shall we say, "lacking in enthusiasm". Been there, done all of this.

BTW, things like Viagra and Cialis are not just for physical problems. In fact, if you have physical problems it is better to address them as those drugs are not likely to help anything. However, as Kevin said, they can do wonders for your confidence. They are also not bad for recreational use...lol.
Click to expand...

Oh I am definitely too far in my head. I am the kind of guy whos brain runs a mile a minute and I hate it. There has been a lack of intimacy and we are working on that together. Lots of cuddles, we have gone on some more one on one dates and make a point to increase the simple things. The lack of enthusiasm is certainly something that is still effecting me and although she knows she should pick it up, it is hard for her to fake it if shes not feeling it... and I can see through her faking easy. It then turns me off. Mags slow playing idea may just be the key to get legit enthusiasm back.
 
I'm hopeful that the slow playing idea, combined with help from a sex therapist, will get you back to where you used to be with your wife. Keep us posted on how that goes if you're willing.
 
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