Advice on Boundaries for a new poly couple

[iamsquirrelly]

Hi! My husband, Dude, of 16 years and I recently began the journey into polyamory with him starting to date a mono at the end of October. We are both interested in relationships outside of our union, but haven't yet found any matches for myself.

Dude's paramour, Lady, decided in the last week that she needs more from a relationship, which I had observed from the beginning when Dude told me that she was relying on him for emotional support regarding her ex husband, when she asked to pick up Dude from the airport 2 weeks after they had met (that would have been their 2nd date), and when Dude met her eldest adult son. Perhaps these weren't so much signs that she needed more, though. Perhaps she doesn't have a good sense of boundaries? My feelings while this was unfolding were that they were moving very quickly.

I over analyze every aspect of every situation I encounter, sometimes to the annoyance of Dude. So needless to say, this first month has been a huge learning curve. Discovering my insecurities and moving through those, listening to my inner voice and speaking up, and hoping to not step on toes, but honor Dude and Lady's connection.

I'm currently caught up in whether or not boundaries are being crossed with the following:
Even though Lady and Dude still have intense feelings for one another Lady broke up with Dude on Tuesday, indicating that she needs someone that lives in the same town and can see her more than once or twice a week (she lives in a far south suburb and we have a 3 year old). They intend on maintaining a friendship. While they were still talking I had expressed that I wasn't yet comfortable with introductions to friends and family, especially since she and I had not yet met. We had established from the beginning that our goal was to be kitchen table polys. One of their dates was to be to go to a concert that Dude was playing, our friends would be in attendance. Anyway, now that they aren't pursuing a romantic relationship Lady expressed that she might to go to the concert. Am I in the wrong for feeling like she's still crossing boundaries? If so, can anyone please help me see from her perspective? Because all I see is that she is circumventing my boundaries.

Thanks for your patience and insights.

 

[breathemusic]

I mean, while technically she can attend any event that she wants, this really sounds like an issue for her and your husband to discuss. Is she planning on introducing herself to your mutual friends? Interacting with your husband before or after the show? Or is she just going to attend like any other random patron to the venue? ultimately, boundaries are things that you set around your OWN behavior, not someone else's. So her attending a thing isn't her breaking your boundary. It's more like you and your husband set up a rule for other partners that they can't meet friends until you both decide it's ok.

So this is your husband's issue to address. If he feels like this isn't an issue and doesn't violate the rules that you both set up for other people, then that's his opinion. And if you disagree, you can discuss it with him, but there's not really much you can do here. At best you can discuss with your husband what level of out you are, whether you and he are ok with friends potentially finding out that she's an ex, and how he plans to address and set expectation with her if she does attend.

But again.... it's a public event so you don't really have much control over whether or not she can or can't go. Only how much either you or your husband choose to interact with her.

 

[PinkPig]

Honestly, I don't see that any of the things you mentioned were out of the ordinary for someone you're dating. They may have perhaps been rushing things (meeting the son, picking up at the airport), but they certainly weren't outside the norm for a couple who are dating. I also don't think it's unreasonable for Lady to want to attend a concert that Dude is playing at. That's a pretty normal thing for a friend or a girlfriend to do. I really don't see any boundary pushing, imo.

The issue with not wanting friends and family to know yet is an agreement between you & Dude. Not you and Lady. She can ask Dude for whatever she wants! If what she's asking (to attend the concert and meet his friends) doesn't mesh with an agreement Dude has made with you (no introductions to friends or family at this time), then it's on Dude to tell Lady no, or to renegotiate the agreement with you.

What does Dude want? If Dude wants her to attend the concert, then chances are, he may not be as invested in keeping his outside relationships a secret as you are.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with the others, but I'd say, if Lady and Dude are really broken up, and you and Dude aren't out as poly to your friends, Lady might cross his boundaries by attempting PDAs at the concert. Who knows how appropriate she might be? I'd suggest to Dude that he watch out for her getting touchy feely, and if she does, and his friends notice, he can just indicate she's some random groupie.

She might even want to reinitiate dating him after the show, if she gets all swoony over his playing and singing... She may think now he's not the perfect bf for her, but she may reconsider. He can handle that any way he wants. He barely knows this person.

 

[LBeyond]

What does Dude want? If Dude wants her to attend the concert, then chances are, he may not be as invested in keeping his outside relationships a secret as you are.

In my wife and I's poly attempt, secrecy was an important thing. We live in a very conservative area, and my wife had a lot of the typical concerns/fears that come from branching out into something new. If you have a lot of those kinds of concerns, and Lady's reasonable and respectful, Dude talking it over with her could easily keep things friendly for them and safe for your own feelings in it. But I also agree that, since they haven't known each other for too long, Dude would probably be best playing it safe and paying attention to how she treats him or acts around him. Make sure his own boundaries aren't crossed, and vicariously making sure that your and Dude's agreement is respected.

 

[GalaGirl]

It might sound persnickety. But to me? Boundaries are for YOU to make and keep, not other people. If I have a boundary that I don't lend my things to careless people? And you already borrowed and broke my vac? With no offer to replace or repair? If you ask to borrow my lawn mower it is ME who has to honor my boundary and say "No." Not you. ME.

What boundary of yours is not being kept by you?

What boundary of Dude's is not being kept by Dude?

If you have an agreement with Dude that he won't bring GFs around to meet friends and family until you meet them first? Well, it's on him to keep the agreement. Assuming the GFs are up for that. Because he could try to keep the agreement and they could say "No thanks" and then what? What's the expectation then? Very separate V rather than kitchen table poly? Something else?

What is the purpose of this agreement to begin with?

If they are now exes trying to be friends? It's a public event. She's a member of the public and they aren't dating any more. He isn't breaking agreements with you if she comes to the concert. If she behaves poorly toward him, it's on him to tell her to cut it out.

If you feel weird about being there with a recent ex of his because the break up was so recent... what would help you feel better? Asking Dude if you could please meet her first? Like a Skype call or something? (Keeping in mind she might decline, since she's not obligated to you.)

Staying home so you can skip anything weird til you better know how she is going to behave as an ex? Something else?

If the desire is kitchen table poly, why was Dude dating a monogamous person to begin with?

It sounds over, so don't get too wound up about it.

It sounds like most of this is about you learning to trust that your husband can handle himself while poly dating. So far it doesn't sound like anything horrible. Maybe faster unfolding than you expected but his dating style isn't gonna be your dating style. You are different people. It sounds like he tried to be decent and respectful in his relationship with Lady. And now he's trying to be decent as an ex.

What makes this hard for you? How can people help you?

Galagirl

 

[Vicki82]

Hi! My husband, Dude, of 16 years and I recently began the journey into polyamory with him starting to date a mono at the end of October. We are both interested in relationships outside of our union, but haven't yet found any matches for myself.

Dude's paramour, Lady, decided in the last week that she needs more from a relationship, which I had observed from the beginning when Dude told me that she was relying on him for emotional support regarding her ex husband, when she asked to pick up Dude from the airport 2 weeks after they had met (that would have been their 2nd date), and when Dude met her eldest adult son. Perhaps these weren't so much signs that she needed more, though. Perhaps she doesn't have a good sense of boundaries? My feelings while this was unfolding were that they were moving very quickly.

I over analyze every aspect of every situation I encounter, sometimes to the annoyance of Dude. So needless to say, this first month has been a huge learning curve. Discovering my insecurities and moving through those, listening to my inner voice and speaking up, and hoping to not step on toes, but honor Dude and Lady's connection.

I'm currently caught up in whether or not boundaries are being crossed with the following:
Even though Lady and Dude still have intense feelings for one another Lady broke up with Dude on Tuesday, indicating that she needs someone that lives in the same town and can see her more than once or twice a week (she lives in a far south suburb and we have a 3 year old). They intend on maintaining a friendship. While they were still talking I had expressed that I wasn't yet comfortable with introductions to friends and family, especially since she and I had not yet met. We had established from the beginning that our goal was to be kitchen table polys. One of their dates was to be to go to a concert that Dude was playing, our friends would be in attendance. Anyway, now that they aren't pursuing a romantic relationship Lady expressed that she might to go to the concert. Am I in the wrong for feeling like she's still crossing boundaries? If so, can anyone please help me see from her perspective? Because all I see is that she is circumventing my boundaries.

Thanks for your patience and insights.

I'm not sure that I would describe her actions as "not having a good sense of boundaries". Do you mean that she just has different boundaries from yours? Because there is no universal set of boundaries that everyone follows. If someone thought that suggesting an airport pickup would be helpful or would work for a date, why not? Or maybe they think that having adult children meeting new partners is no big deal. They are allowed to have different value weightings on different things.

Frankly, I think that Lady is doing an admirable job of knowing her own needs by asserting that she needs more contact than Dude is able to provide. Not everyone can do that while in the NRE cloud.

Personally... I'm not sure how well the secrecy thing will last if you're dating someone who is self described as mono. Mono people would generally expect to be able to go to their partner's events and to be able to enjoy their relationship publicly, unless they're cheating or there are other factors. So I suspect you will continue to run into issues like this with other partners who will not want to feel like they are having a clandestine affair. Was this fact well negotiated between Dude and Lady from the outset? It doesn't sound like it was.

Also, there's another thread in this forum right now about meeting a partner's other partners, you might want to have a look at that.

 

[PinkPig]

Personally... I'm not sure how well the secrecy thing will last if you're dating someone who is self described as mono. Mono people would generally expect to be able to go to their partner's events and to be able to enjoy their relationship publicly, unless they're cheating or there are other factors. So I suspect you will continue to run into issues like this with other partners who will not want to feel like they are having a clandestine affair. Was this fact well negotiated between Dude and Lady from the outset? It doesn't sound like it was.

This has been my experience, too. It's easier to keep things secret if all the people are fully on board. Someone who is mono, or inexperienced at poly dating, may make agreements early on that they find they are unable or unwilling to keep once they become emotionally invested in the relationship. It can happen with poly people, too...just the more experienced poly people may be better at communicating and negotiating through the experience.

If what you're looking for is a hierarchical relationship....where your relationship with Dude is prioritized over your relationships with anyone else....then you're probably best off if you both date people who also have primary partners.

 

[vinsanity0]

Hi! My husband, Dude, of 16 years and I recently began the journey into polyamory with him starting to date a mono at the end of October. We are both interested in relationships outside of our union, but haven't yet found any matches for myself.

Hi, and welcome to the forum. I hope you take the responses as they are intended, which is to help you along your journey.

It's interesting you mention not having found any matches for yourself.

Dude's paramour, Lady, decided in the last week that she needs more from a relationship, which I had observed from the beginning when Dude told me that she was relying on him for emotional support regarding her ex husband, when she asked to pick up Dude from the airport 2 weeks after they had met (that would have been their 2nd date), and when Dude met her eldest adult son. Perhaps these weren't so much signs that she needed more, though. Perhaps she doesn't have a good sense of boundaries? My feelings while this was unfolding were that they were moving very quickly.

Fair enough for Lady. Mono people often find they aren't fulfilled in a "part-time" relationship. At least she recognized this and bowed out. Some mono people try to break up the existing relationship so they can have their new partner all to themselves.

I don't see any pushing of boundaries in her behavior so far. Most people try to get as much time as they can with a new person. That's perfectly normal.

I over analyze every aspect of every situation I encounter, sometimes to the annoyance of Dude. So needless to say, this first month has been a huge learning curve. Discovering my insecurities and moving through those, listening to my inner voice and speaking up, and hoping to not step on toes, but honor Dude and Lady's connection.

I doubt if there is any of us who have not had some learning to do. It can be very difficult to transition from mono to poly, even if you are on board intellectually.

I'm currently caught up in whether or not boundaries are being crossed with the following:
Even though Lady and Dude still have intense feelings for one another Lady broke up with Dude on Tuesday, indicating that she needs someone that lives in the same town and can see her more than once or twice a week (she lives in a far south suburb and we have a 3 year old). They intend on maintaining a friendship.

That's good that they had an amicable breakup. Nothing wrong with maintaining a friendship. However, I would keep in mind that she is also working her way through this. She could very well decide to give it a shot again, if Dude is up for that. Or she could just want to be friends.

While they were still talking I had expressed that I wasn't yet comfortable with introductions to friends and family, especially since she and I had not yet met. We had established from the beginning that our goal was to be kitchen table polys.

Now this is where things can get a little sticky. Who is the "we" in that sentence? You said you haven't met her yet so I have to assume the "we" is you and Dude. I understand people have preferences, but it is not good to make rules regarding other people, especially without their participation or consent.

To me, rules are about trying to maintain some form of control over the situation. That's not to say some rules don't make sense, like no dating my mother or something messy like that. The point is to look at the rule and ask if it does make sense. Given that you haven't dated anyone yet, are you imposing rules that help you maintain some sort of control over how Dude dates. I'm not saying that is what's going on, but these are questions we must ask ourselves.

One of their dates was to be to go to a concert that Dude was playing, our friends would be in attendance. Anyway, now that they aren't pursuing a romantic relationship Lady expressed that she might to go to the concert. Am I in the wrong for feeling like she's still crossing boundaries? If so, can anyone please help me see from her perspective? Because all I see is that she is circumventing my boundaries.

It seems perfectly reasonable that she might want to see her friend perform. It probably sounds like fun. Is there something about her that makes you think she may act inappropriately? Have you conveyed your unease to Dude, who can judge if there might be a problem? Has Dude conveyed to Lady that you are not out as a poly couple?

Another question: This would have been an actual date with your friends in attendance. How was that going to work? Were they supposed to pretend they weren't on a date when in front of the friends?

Some unsolicited advice: Maybe it's time to come out to your friends as poly anyway. I mean, what kind of friendships are they if you all have to hide stuff from each other?

Thanks for your patience and insights.

Hope some of this helped.

 

[iamsquirrelly]

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in, thank you!

breathemusic & galagirl: i appreciate you breaking down the difference between boundary and rule; even though I've read several articles I couldn't wrap my head around the difference. I also appreciate the questions that I need to be asking myself and my partner.

pinkpig: i agree, all very normal acts for a relationship. but they just seemed incredibly fast. like within weeks of meeting one another. and i dunno, i guess i was left feeling like my feelings weren't considered, but it sounds like how something unfolds within their relationship shouldn't matter to anyone but them? this feels like a dumb question.. but how do i navigate this? i certainly have no intention on micromanaging anyone's experiences. but i think, as galagirl noticed, i'm having issues trusting Dude due to our history (which he and I have already recognized and we're currently addressing). i guess i'm asking what kind of headspace do you as experienced with polyamory inhabit?

vicki82: yes! i also applauded Lady for recognizing her needs, it was the first thing I thought when Dude told me she couldn't see him anymore.

Regarding meeting friends and family, it's not that we plan on keeping everything secret for forever, just until we could figure out and feel confident in the relationships.

i definitely need to find better ways to observe and cope with the feelings that come up when a relationship unfolds so quickly. or perhaps polyamory isn't for me? theory is one thing, but is seems practice is entirely different.

 

[GalaGirl]

i definitely need to find better ways to observe and cope with the feelings that come up when a relationship unfolds so quickly.

Could examine that.

Why is it hard? Would it be easier to hear LESS about his other relationships right now? Like over time, hear more, but right now? Hear less to not aggravate your stress?

Would it be easier if the shoe were on the other foot? You were the one dating and not him? Because if YOU are the one dating a new person? You know how you handle yourself. (Rather than not being sure how husband will handle himself.) So maybe there is less anxiety.

Right now he gets the NRE lalas to sustain him through change. There's no lalas to buoy you up. You are on different tracks of emotional change. Maybe seeing and knowing that helps reduce the stress?

Here is a visual aid at the middle of the page.

https://www.eoslifework.co.uk/transprac.htm

The NRE thing also helps postpone grief. Because even if you want to practice poly? The old normal is gone, the new normal isn't here yet, and it's honestly sometimes a PITA to rearrange home life, budget, and calendars and all that. You might be feeling like "all this work for what?" right now. You might also grieve the stability old model because this new model is still kinda shaky.

Sometimes the partner who is dating is caught up in NRE leaving the other partner alone in that grief/struggle or trying to be helpful but not really getting it from their POV. Is that going on with you and husband?

Tread carefully there.

Because by the time you are dating? You may be past the grief part and moving on in your own dating life. And NOW that husband has to be the meta when you date (which is a different set of skills than being a hinge) and deal with that load of feelings? He might finally "get it" and then want help and support.

You might not be so keen to give it because it wasn't like he was giving it to you when you needed. It's a pitfall to get into tit for tat like that.

or perhaps polyamory isn't for me? theory is one thing, but is seems practice is entirely different.

You are in the stages of emotional change. Ultimately only you know if poly is for you or not.

But don't throw in the towel just because it's challenging you right now. Presumably you were up for the challenge.

Unless something is HORRIBLE? Be ok being comfortable with some discomfort. That's how you grow/adapt. You step outside the comfort zone.

I over analyze every aspect of every situation I encounter, sometimes to the annoyance of Dude.

You mention you overanalyze but not why you do it. Is it that you need to feel a sense of control in order to stave off anxiety?

Galagirl

 

[Vicki82]

pinkpig: i agree, all very normal acts for a relationship. but they just seemed incredibly fast. like within weeks of meeting one another. and i dunno, i guess i was left feeling like my feelings weren't considered, but it sounds like how something unfolds within their relationship shouldn't matter to anyone but them?

I'm not PinkPig, but that's pretty much it; they get to decide the speed that their relationship goes, and barring any specific things you and Dude have discussed that do affect you (like say, not moving in a new partner, for example!), then no, you don't really have a dog in this race. What needs do you actually consider that you have about whether she picks him up at the airport? I am not sure I'm seeing that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello iamsquirrelly,

It sounds like Dude and Lady were moving really fast. I think that maybe NRE was pushing them along. And now that they're broken up, Lady is still crossing a line by meeting your friends before she has even met you. At least, that's how I might feel if I was in your shoes. Can I ask, is meeting her still an option for you? Maybe then you would feel more at ease about her meeting your friends. Maybe?

I guess my advice would be, to sit down with Dude and discuss what boundaries you can both agree on. Then ask him to convey what you decide to Lady, as Lady is a special relationship, she is not just a friend, Lady and Dude still have intense feelings for one another. Going to a concert and meeting your friends when she has not even met you, that is crossing a line. It's like they're broken up but they're still going really fast, does that make sense?

Other than that, I agree with what everyone else has said on this thread so far. Things might be rubbing you the wrong way in part because you haven't yet found any matches for yourself. I hope you and Dude can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[iamsquirrelly]

Vicki82:

What needs do you actually consider that you have about whether she picks him up at the airport? I am not sure I'm seeing that.

At the time I didn't consider it as a personal need that had to be fulfilled, but moving forward that is a really good way to frame things when defining rules or boundaries, thank you!

 

[iamsquirrelly]

Galagirl:

Why is it hard? Would it be easier to hear LESS about his other relationships right now? Like over time, hear more, but right now? Hear less to not aggravate your stress?

Would it be easier if the shoe were on the other foot? You were the one dating and not him? Because if YOU are the one dating a new person? You know how you handle yourself. (Rather than not being sure how husband will handle himself.) So maybe there is less anxiety.

Right now he gets the NRE lalas to sustain him through change. There's no lalas to buoy you up. You are on different tracks of emotional change. Maybe seeing and knowing that helps reduce the stress?

Absolutely all of this resonates. You're right, I really didn't need to hear as much as I did about Dude and how much his relationship was evolving. Although, I knew on a certain level anyway because of how energetically connected he and I are.

We definitely recognized that it's been hard for me because I feel like I have to do all of this internal work in order for him to have a more vibrant experience while I'm just barely floating in my emotions. Because of this Dude said that he doesn't plan on dating again until I start seeing someone. So we have time to focus on fine tuning our agreement so the next experience is a little bit more stable. I feel a little uneasy about this arrangement.. like I'm being immature or something. But it all makes sense.

You mention you overanalyze but not why you do it. Is it that you need to feel a sense of control in order to stave off anxiety?

that makes so. much. sense. i have all of the anxiety about everything and definitely try to influence situations (not because I need the power! i genuinely want my husband to have a positive experience and create beautiful and lasting connections). I'm currently in therapy with someone who specializes in non monogamy, we've lightly addressed the anxiety, but haven't yet fully focused on it. Thank you for identifying this with me.

Sometimes the partner who is dating is caught up in NRE leaving the other partner alone in that grief/struggle or trying to be helpful but not really getting it from their POV. Is that going on with you and husband?

Tread carefully there.

ohhhhhh. so on the nose here as well. i will definitely keep this in mind when i start dating. he really has tried his hardest to help, but so many times my POV wasn't understood.

Really, thank you for reading between the lines and understanding what I've experienced and providing so many valuable

 

[GalaGirl]

Absolutely all of this resonates. You're right, I really didn't need to hear as much as I did about Dude and how much his relationship was evolving.

Well, what is "news" to you? A new potential? That it is looking to become sexual? A break up? What is NOT news, and simply too many details?

Keep in mind that while you and spouse may have shared everything before because it was just this one dyad?

Now you will not be the only stakeholders. Like you prob don't want Dude telling his GF how you like sex up in a tree. That's not just his info, it is your info too.

Sharing notes about sex health practices like condoms being used is fair for sex health hygiene knowledge. But TMI details? Some things should be private.

Which means in his other connections and yours? You won't be sharing TMI details with spouse about your other partner. Or vice versa. Every dyad needs SOME privacy. Not because anything hinky is going on but because it is good to have healthy personal boundaries.

Consider the work of detangling if you haven't already.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

We definitely recognized that it's been hard for me because I feel like I have to do all of this internal work in order for him to have a more vibrant experience while I'm just barely floating in my emotions.

WHY do you have to do this work? Are you stretching yourself thin or being unrealistic?

He can't just have an ok enough experience, so you enjoy more solid emotions?

Rather than you barely floating in your emotions because you invest all this energy for him to get SUPER STELLAR?

Why do you think you short change yourself and your own self care so he gets super awesome? For what? So he doesn't dump you in favor of the new shiny people? Something else?

Because of this Dude said that he doesn't plan on dating again until I start seeing someone. So we have time to focus on fine tuning our agreement so the next experience is a little bit more stable.

Well, sounds like he heard you on the "too much too fast " thing.

I feel a little uneasy about this arrangement.. like I'm being immature or something. But it all makes sense.

If you need glasses, are you being immature?

If you need a hearing aid, are you being immature?

If you need the transition time to go a little slower so you can deal with it better rather than going from 0 miles per hour to 70 miles per hour.... why do you call yourself names like "immature" rather than just calling yourself "new to poly?" or "thinking of other approaches I can deal in better" or similar? Are you in the habit of being your own self bully?

that makes so. much. sense. i have all of the anxiety about everything and definitely try to influence situations (not because I need the power! i genuinely want my husband to have a positive experience and create beautiful and lasting connections).

Two things.

It is your HUSBAND'S job to create his connections. And whether or not they are positive, beautiful, or lasting depends on him and the potential. Not so much you.

And why do YOU want it to be so stellar? Can it just be "regular?" Why does it have to be stupendous? That's a tall order for newbies.

And what about you? What kind of experience do YOU want to have for yourself through this? Have you though it out? Do you like being stressed or running ragged? You sound like you pressure your own self a lot.

I'm currently in therapy with someone who specializes in non monogamy, we've lightly addressed the anxiety, but haven't yet fully focused on it. Thank you for identifying this with me.

Maybe bring it up in session?

ohhhhhh. so on the nose here as well. i will definitely keep this in mind when i start dating. he really has tried his hardest to help, but so many times my POV wasn't understood.

You are both on a learning curve. Be ok with this.

It is not a contest or competition with your spouse to see who can be the most poly-friendly, the most poly "cool", the quickest to adjust, etc. Be ok being different people, with different styles, and different speeds of adjustment.

Some things simply take TIME.

Really, thank you for reading between the lines and understanding what I've experienced

You are welcome. I hope you feel a bit better. Your experience of "weird" is common enough.

It's ok to be new. Things feeling weird in the transition time? It is NORMAL to feel weird. Again... "old normal" is gone, "new normal" isn't here yet. It's just going to take some transition time and you have to be ok living through it and into the new normal.

Be kinder to yourself through it and try to stop piling on so much stress on you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting an "Ok enough" transition time. It might be more realistic, more attainable and then you aren't pressuring yourself so much for everything to be STELLAR.

In time with more experience some things might become stellar, but don't pressure yourself for everything to be stellar right out of the gate. YKWIM?

Galagirl

 

[LBeyond]

I just read through that bit about entanglement. That's definitely something I overlooked before attempting my own poly relationship. A lot of that is great relationship advice even if you're staying monogamous.

But yeah, the idea of you feeling some need to put a bunch of effort into Dude's other relationships sounds like an emotional drain that would detract from your and Dude's together-time, and the possible pleasure the finding a new relationship of your own.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

"Because of this Dude said that he doesn't plan on dating again until I start seeing someone. So we have time to focus on fine tuning our agreement so the next experience is a little bit more stable. I feel a little uneasy about this arrangement.. like I'm being immature or something. But it all makes sense."

I'd say your gut feeling us correct, but not exactly because you're being immature. Relationships are so individual that it doesn't make sense to wait until you both have prospects before you indulge. What will happen if you both start dating someone else and one of those relationships thrive while the other doesn't make it past a month? Will the ones who are happy have to break it off?

One important thing for poly people to learn are those periods (sometimes years at a time) where your partner is sustaining and building relationships with people, and for a multitude of factors, you aren't or can't.

My advice would be to let go and give him the space to manage his own relationships and make use of his own opportunities. Waiting for you has more disadvantages than benefits.

Or close the relationship and discuss more to see if you are on the same page about boundaries with the idea that if you are not, you either stay monogamous to each other or split.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, what is news to you, a new potential partner? That things are about to become sexual? A break up? On the other hand, what is NOT news, and is simply too many details?

Keep in mind that while you and your spouse may have shared everything before, because it was just this one dyad, now you will not be the only stakeholders. For example, you probably don't want Dude telling his gf how you like sex up in a tree. That's not just his info, it is your info too.

Sharing notes about sex health practices, like condoms being used, is fair, for sex health hygiene reasons. But not TMI details; some things should be kept private.

This means, in his other connections, and yours, you won't be sharing TMI details with your spouse about your other partner, or vice versa. Every dyad needs SOME privacy, not because anything hinky is going on, but because it is good to have healthy personal boundaries. Consider the work of detangling if you haven't already.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

Why do you have to do this work? Are you stretching yourself thin, or being unrealistic? Can't he just have an OK enough experience, so you can enjoy more solid emotions, rather than you barely floating in your emotions, because you are investing all this energy so he can have a SUPER STELLAR dating experience?

Why do you think you shortchange yourself and your self care so that he can have a super awesome experience? Is it so he doesn't dump you in favor of the new shiny people, or maybe for some other reason?

If you need glasses, are you being immature? If you need a hearing aid, are you being immature? If you need the transition time to go a little slower, so you can deal with it better, rather than going from 0 miles per hour to 70 miles per hour, why do you call yourself names like "immature," rather than just calling yourself "new to poly," or "thinking of other approaches so I can deal with it better," or something similar? Are you in the habit of being your own bully?

It is your HUSBAND'S job to create his connections. And whether or not they are positive, beautiful, or lasting, depends on him and the potential partner, not so much on you.

Why do you want it to be stellar? Why does it have to be stupendous? That's a tall order for newbies. Can't it just be "regular"?

What about you? What kind of experience do YOU want to have for yourself through this? Have you thought it out? Do you like being stressed or run ragged? You sound like you pressure yourself a lot.

You are both on a learning curve. You can learn to be OK with this. It's not a contest or competition with your spouse to see who can be the most poly-friendly, the most poly-cool, the quickest to adjust, etc. Be OK being different people, with different styles, and different speeds of adjustment. Some things simply take TIME.

You're welcome. I hope you feel a bit better. Your experience of "weirdness" is common enough. It's OK to be new. Things feeling weird in the transition time is NORMAL. Again, the "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" isn't here yet. It's just going to take some transition time, and you have to be OK living through it, and then moving into the new normal.

Be kinder to yourself through it. Try to stop piling so much stress on yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting an "OK enough" transition time. It might be more realistic and more attainable, and then you aren't pressuring yourself so much for everything to be STELLAR. In time, with more experience, some things might become stellar, but don't pressure yourself for everything to be stellar right out of the gate. YKWIM?

Galagirl

This sounds like a good approach. It's a sensible and rational plan. Transitions are hard and can shake up our self-confidence.

 

[Vicki82]

"Because of this Dude said that he doesn't plan on dating again until I start seeing someone. So we have time to focus on fine tuning our agreement so the next experience is a little bit more stable. I feel a little uneasy about this arrangement.. like I'm being immature or something. But it all makes sense."

I'd say your gut feeling us correct, but not exactly because you're being immature. Relationships are so individual that it doesn't make sense to wait until you both have prospects before you indulge. What will happen if you both start dating someone else and one of those relationships thrive while the other doesn't make it past a month? Will the ones who are happy have to break it off?

One important thing for poly people to learn are those periods (sometimes years at a time) where your partner is sustaining and building relationships with people, and for a multitude of factors, you aren't or can't.

My advice would be to let go and give him the space to manage his own relationships and make use of his own opportunities. Waiting for you has more disadvantages than benefits.

Or close the relationship and discuss more to see if you are on the same page about boundaries with the idea that if you are not, you either stay monogamous to each other or split.

This. Also, what if one of you meets someone organically? Are they going to say, gee, sorry, I can't date you because my spouse isn't currently dating anyone?

I think this is one of those ideas that sounds reasonable on paper but is really unworkable in reality.