Am I being unreasonable? Expectations as girlfriend...

[CanadaDuck00]

Hi everyone.

This is my first "poly" relationship. I am dating a married man going on 2 years now. He says he loves me and wants us all to be a family where Im an equal partner (if that is even possible where only one partner is his wife).
However, He still is not comfortable with me being around his family.
He introduced me to his parents and they were pleasant, but apparently not super ok with the situation. This made him feel judged and upset.
We did a private Christmas last year a week before actual Christmas. He wanted to do that again this year, but now im feeling as less than his wife and told him so, which made him angry.
Why does she get actual Christmas and the warm family gathering, while I am left out? I never had a big family and always fantasized about being welcomed into my partners.
He seems content to do this private every year and cant understand why I am not satisfied with us having a private Christmas.

I feel like im getting mixed signals. Hearing I love you and want to be a family and have kids with you someday, but not feeling completely welcomed into his life... I judt dont know..
Am I being unreasonable or asking too much? Should I be happy with a private christmas every year? Am I wrong for thinking its not as great as he thinks it is?

Im getting antsy because I get asked out quite often by men who could potentially give me the life I want. my boyfriend doesnt want me dating anyone else. He wants a just us three "family", but to me, this isnt family.
I am feeling like ill always have to be kept away and hidden.
And im getting very tempted to end things so I can pursue a more "normal" monogomous relationship.

Only reason im still trying is because he is otherwise very good to me and I love him.
Please help me understand my feelings.

Thank you.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Is it unreasonable to expect an invitation to an extended family gathering? Depends, imo. Is your partner hosting? Yes - then he can put his foot down and say "Canada is my family so she will be present for family events in my home." Then others could choose whether or not to come. If others are hosting? Then it is their choice whether or not to invite you

I will say... him being married, unwilling to truly incorporate you into his extended circle, AND insisting that you don't date is a HUGE red, manipulative flag.

 

[Tinwen]

There are really two issues
1) Chrismas. You want something (being incorporated in a big family gathering), which is not on offer. They don't feel like having you there. (There's a slight possibility that you haven't asked the right people in the right way, but doesn't sound like it.) Here, unfortunately, you have to accept a no. You have to think "What's the next best option? How do I want to spend my holidays?". Maybe it's not even with him.

2) The second issue is staying in a relationship with this structure. Knowing these limitations (his family not being thrilled inviting you into their wider structure, him not being pleased you dating others), do you still want to stay? That's a hard call to make, I'm sorry.

Of course, you can make "being invited for holidays" a condition for staying, but in my experience, these things don't tend to go well. You can't change the underlying (reserved?) emotional setting by demanding outward displays of acceptance.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Should I be happy with a private christmas every year?

If you're not happy with a private Christmas, then you're not happy with a private Christmas. "Should" is irrelevant.

I am feeling like ill always have to be kept away and hidden. And im getting very tempted to end things so I can pursue a more "normal" monogomous relationship.

There are plenty of poly situations in which the partners celebrate holidays harmoniously, and plenty in which they don't, so poly isn't really such a factor here. Lots of poly partners are very happy with how they celebrate family holidays. What matters is that you are not happy with the separation and you greatly value a warm family gathering and all that comes with it. Sounds like he is fearful or hesitant or for whatever reason, not able to provide that. The answer is never to try and whittle away at your values ("should I be happy with a private Christmas?") nor is it in needing someone else to give something to you. Those roads only ever lead to powerlessness and unhappiness. If warm family gatherings are of utmost importance to you, then stand by that. Don't apologize for it in your mind and don't resent someone who isn't prepared to give it to you. The answer always and only ever lies in making peace with what you value and taking it fully into your heart, no apologies. I'd bet that right now, you have a lot of mixed feelings about "warm family gatherings" and that the whole arena brings up a lot of internal struggle for you. Our relationships always reflect our internal landscape - hence, your outer struggle about "warm family gatherings." The answer is never to orchestrate people and situations (which never works) but to focus on coming to our own better internal peace about the troublesome topic. Nobody can give you "warm family gatherings" until you come to more of a peace around them. No magical monogamous relationship is going to be able to sail into your life and make this desire materialize, despite all of the films and songs. You'll just find someone with similar family issues, all dressed up in a monogamous package. The answer is always to make your own internal journey toward serenity around family holidays. Only then will you experience the truly warm family gathering that you seek. Whether it's with poly partners or with a mono parter is an irrelevant factor. Your own internal landscape will determine everything.

 

[Dagferi]

You say that you two want to have children together...

Think of this issue.... How are you going to feel if you have children together and hia family excludes or treats your kids less than or as if they do not exist or a dirty secret.

We know you are not ok with it but how is going to make a young child feel to know that their siblings are special to their grandparents and yours are not because they do not approve of how they were conceived. This is a good possibility.

Why not have another partner of your own and make your wish come true with them? Why does your boyfriend get to have his cake and eat it too?

 

[vinsanity0]

I think you should go with your gut on this. The issue isn't Christmas. The issue is that he is not willing to go all in on this. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. When you let your feelings be known he doesn't listen, he gets angry. The fact that you are here asking about this leads me to believe you don't think it's going to change anytime soon.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is my first "poly" relationship. I am dating a married man, going on 2 years now. He says he loves me, and wants us all to be a family, where I'm an equal partner (if that is even possible where only one partner is his wife).

There are poly V's where two partners are married, and the other partner of one of them lives with the other 2. There needs to be special legal things taken care of, such as who is on the mortgage or rental agreement, how finances are mingled, how custody of children is arranged, how insurance and other medical things are set up.

Even if the other partner opts to not live with her married partner and their spouse, the legal things still need to be taken care of, so that she has all the rights and protections as the wife.

However, he still is not comfortable with me being around his family. He introduced me to his parents, and they were pleasant, but apparently not super OK with the situation. This made him feel judged and upset.

So because he felt awkward, he's just retreating from including you in occasions with his family, so he doesn't have to feel "judged and upset." But now you're upset.

We did a private Christmas last year, a week before actual Christmas. He wanted to do that again this year, but now I'm feeling as "lesser than" his wife, and told him so, which made him angry.

He seems to get upset and angry when either you push back, or his family doesn't feel "super OK" with you. So you don't feel secure, and you don't feel supported, and his anger makes it hard to discuss things with him.

Why does she get actual Christmas and the warm family gathering, while I am left out? I never had a big family, and always fantasized about being welcomed into my partners.'

He seems content to do this private every year, and can't understand why I am not satisfied with us having a private Christmas.

I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Hearing, "I love you, and want to be a family, and have kids with you someday," but not feeling completely welcomed into his life... I just don't know.

Am I being unreasonable, or asking too much? Should I be happy with a private Christmas every year? Am I wrong for thinking its not as great as he thinks it is?

I'm getting antsy because I get asked out quite often by men who could potentially give me the life I want. My boyfriend doesn't want me dating anyone else. He wants a just us three as a "family," but to me, this isn't family. I am feeling like I'll always have to be kept away and hidden. And I'm getting very tempted to end things, so I can pursue a more "normal" monogamous relationship. The only reason I'm still trying is because he is otherwise very good to me and I love him.

Please help me understand my feelings.

It sounds like you've picked the wrong poly partner. His actions don't match his words.

Dagferi also makes a good point about having children with this man.

If you're not happy with a private Christmas, then you're not happy with a private Christmas. "Should" is irrelevant.


There are plenty of poly situations in which the partners celebrate holidays harmoniously, and plenty in which they don't, so poly isn't really such a factor here. Lots of poly partners are very happy with how they celebrate family holidays.

There are also plenty of mono people, or single people, who do not have harmonious holidays. It's pretty much an epidemic!

What matters is that you are not happy with the separation, and you greatly value a warm family gathering, and all that comes with it.
It sounds like he is fearful or hesitant or for whatever reason, not able to provide that.

The answer is never to try and whittle away at your values ("Should I be happy with a private Christmas?") nor is it in needing someone else to give something to you. Those roads only ever lead to powerlessness and unhappiness.

If warm family gatherings are of utmost importance to you, then stand by that. Don't apologize for it in your mind, and don't resent someone who isn't prepared to give it to you. The answer always and only ever lies in making peace with what you value and taking it fully into your heart, no apologies.

I'd bet that right now, you have a lot of mixed feelings about "warm family gatherings," and that the whole arena brings up a lot of internal struggle for you. Our relationships always reflect our internal landscape- hence, your outer struggle about "warm family gatherings."

The answer is never to orchestrate people and situations (which never works), but to focus on coming to our own better internal peace about the troublesome topic. Nobody can give you "warm family gatherings" until you come to more of a peace around them.

No magical monogamous relationship is going to be able to sail into your life and make this desire materialize, despite all of the films and songs. You'll just find someone with similar family issues, all dressed up in a monogamous package.

The answer is always to make your own internal journey toward serenity around family holidays. Only then will you experience the truly warm family gathering that you seek. Whether it's with poly partners or with a mono partner is irrelevant. Your own internal landscape will determine everything.

I don't know.... Monogamy is pretty easy in the holidays, compared to polyamorous holidays. It's the default. She might well meet a mono guy who gets along with his family pretty well, who would welcome a gf of their son's into their arms with no fuss and muss.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are hurting.

FWIW, the dating offer you are being presented is this:

• Come date me.
• I will tell you I love you.
• I will tell you I want us all to be a family.
• I will tell you I want you to be an equal partner.
• I will not invite you to extended family things again because I am not comfortable with it.
• I will get mad at you if you bring up spending holidays with extended relatives instead of discussing with you.
• I want to have kids with you someday. (No mention of how the kids will be treated in extended family.)
• I won't solve the problems but I also don't want you dating anyone else.

You do not think this offer is so great.

• You want to be welcomed into partner's extended family by partner and by the relatives. You are not going to get it here.
• You do not like being kept away and hidden.
• You are antsy because you get asked out by other people who could provide you this. He doesn't want you dating other people.
• So you want to end things so you can pursue a more "normal" monogomous relationship.

Only reason im still trying is because he is otherwise very good to me and I love him. Please help me understand my feelings.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your feelings. You are finding love alone is not enough for deep compatibility, you feel stifled here, and you are sad with anticipatory grief. You know you want to break up, just gathering the strength to do it. And sad about it. That is ok to feel.

This is not compatible. So... probably best to end it than drag on with unhappy feelings.

Whether you move on to dating a more compatible poly shape thing or a monogamy shape thing is up to you. Make sure it IS more compatible and the person can offer you what it is you want and not keep you "hidden."

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello CanadaDuck00,

I am thinking that what you really want, deep in your heart of hearts, is not to break up with your partner, but rather, for him to put his foot down with his family, and say, "Hey! CanadaDuck00 is my partner just as much as my wife! I am going to be bringing her with me on holiday gatherings, and I expect you to be just as nice to her as you are to my wife." Then you would get the big family welcome that you always dreamed about. Wouldn't that be awesome?

It sucks when we can't get the things we really want, doesn't it? Here you have a guy whom you love, who treats you good in every single way other than this one little thing. Why should you have to look for a new partner when you are already happy with the one that you have? It doesn't seem fair.

Of course you can talk to him, and tell him what you would like him to do. And hopefully he will be receptive. I know that the last time you tried to talk to him, he got angry at you. Hopefully that would not happen again. Maybe if you just approached it in the right way? Maybe if you just said the right words? I don't know.

I actually think it's a good sign that you are often asked out by monogamous men. This way you know there's something to fall back on if things with your current partner don't work out. He wants to have kids with you someday, but how will those kids get treated? by him and perhaps more importantly, by his family? This is actually maybe the most important thing you should consider. It's one thing for you to not get treated good, but kids? They are innocent, and did not ask to be a part of this.

I think you should sit down with your boyfriend, and have an honest talk.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Vicki82]

Beep- actions not matching words

While I'm not a fan of "equal" but instead a proponent of fair, this situation doesn't sound like a very positive one. Regardless of Christmas or any one particular thing, how could it be fair or equal for you to be deliberately excluded from something that his other partner is welcomed to?

I can't even imagine possibly having children with someone who won't go to bat for you now. What happens the next time an issue that makes him uncomfortable crops up? Very likely it'll be you sucking it up, not him. And children do not deserve to be treated like that. If his parents can't even handle him having a second partner, I seriously doubt they would treat your children equally to his children with his wife.

The restriction on you dating is pretty inane, too. If he can have two partners, why can't you? I can't see any logical reason for that except that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and doesn't want to give up his own comforts or deal with anything that involves his own discomfort.

Is this relationship really meeting your needs?

I sent you a PM, by the way.

 

[CanadaDuck00]

Thank you, everyone, for your input. It has put things into perspective and helped me think more deeply about my feelings.
He feels bad his family treats me this way, and when I see him crying I just back off because it’s hard on me and I feel like a bully.
Still, it isn’t looking like I’m going to have any kind of comfortable life with him.

Gala you are right... I think I know I want to end it and am just working up the courage to do so. A recently divorced past friend of mine had asked me out and I’m very tempted and want to go out with him. He likes me a lot, is a successful engineer, and is just an all around good man.

He is what I deserve. Not this mess where I just make sacrifice after sacrifice and nothing ever makes up for it. It’s just not worth the effort and pain I’m feeling.

 

[Vicki82]

Thank you, everyone, for your input. It has put things into perspective and helped me think more deeply about my feelings.
He feels bad his family treats me this way, and when I see him crying I just back off because it’s hard on me and I feel like a bully.
Still, it isn’t looking like I’m going to have any kind of comfortable life with him.

Gala you are right... I think I know I want to end it and am just working up the courage to do so. A recently divorced past friend of mine had asked me out and I’m very tempted and want to go out with him. He likes me a lot, is a successful engineer, and is just an all around good man.

He is what I deserve. Not this mess where I just make sacrifice after sacrifice and nothing ever makes up for it. It’s just not worth the effort and pain I’m feeling.

If he feels so bad about it, he can stand up for you and tell them that this is not acceptable, period. Otherwise, he's basically letting them call the shots in his romantic life. And on that note I'd really hate to see what happened if you had kids with him.

You are NOT a bully for standing up for your own needs!