Nervous

You looked great last night! I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time chatting with you and getting your impressions. (I didn't expect to be drafted to the nurse's station for half the night.) But I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, and it felt good to you to have friends there. :)
 
geminigirl said:
I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time chatting with you and getting your impressions (I didn't expect to be drafted to the nurse's station for half the night.) I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. :)
Click to expand...

Better you than me, being drafted for the nurse's station! I fear that I might have gone into work mode and actually performed real nursing procedures. :)
 
I was hoping your collar would've worked last night to keep doms from checking out if you wanted to play. It seems to have, except for that guy who touched your leg. Collars have become too much of a fashion statement. The whole idea is that doms know you are taken. Grrrr... I gave it to you so you could rely on it for protection, so you could say you were owned by Redpepper. I know you can handle yourself, though. You're capable, for sure. Still, it pisses me off.
 
I wouldn't have thought anything of it, except that he was the kind of guy that I would find creepy in the regular world. I don't know that I would even have noticed, if it wasn't for the creepy factor. I tend to touch people when I talk to them, too, although I don't often touch strangers!
 
Glad you were there, and thanks for coming for nachos and dress-up first!

You are officially the only person, besides Redpepper's family, to have been in my place. I'm sooo social. :rolleyes:
 
MonoVCPHG said:
Glad you were there, and thanks for coming for nachos and dress up first! You are officially the only person, besides Redpepper's family, to have been in my place. I'm sooo social. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I'm honoured to have been invited. Thank you for calming my nerves ahead of time, and cooking. :D
 
Saying no

I just got home from our monthy women's group and I have a lot on my mind. The first thing that comes to mind is that a lot of women feel the need to be people pleasers and have a hard time saying no. I'm guilty of this.

Yesterday was a good example. We had a derby bout. I wasn't on the roster, but still felt like I had to volunteer at the bout, even though I didn't have a sitter for the kids. So I had to impose on a friend who was also coming to watch. I ran around all afternoon looking for costume items for the "boutfit," getting more and more irritable about the whole thing, because it wasn't what I WANTED to do. Then I get there and I'm even more put out because I discover that the job that I was supposed to do had been given to someone else. So all the work of dragging the kids around looking for a costume was all for nothing!

Fortunately, today has been better. I'm a much more pleasant person to be around. I didn't do things because other people wanted me to. I went out for breakfast for a friend's birthday, and then to the women's group meeting. No stress at all.

Now the kids are off having dinner at one of their friend's houses. I just finished giving the main floor of my house a good cleaning. A clean house calms me, even though I'm a terrible housekeeper. Some days it just really does have to be all about you.

One of the other things that came up today was relationships with parents. I have a good relationship with my mom, and with my mother-in-law, but have never developed a comfortable relationship with my dad as an adult. I really don't know how to relate to my father-in-law other than to talk to him about team stuff, because he used to play lacross, and I play roller derby. But other than that, I find it really hard just to chat to him.

I am fortunate that my parents don't withhold love from me if I don't behave exactly as they want me to. I'm sure that I've done things that they aren't thrilled with, but there is never any doubt that they love me. I can imagine that if your parents do withhold love from you, that you grow up to think that you aren't worthy of being loved if you're not giving all the time to make someone else happy.

This leads back to my ability to say no. Maybe that's why I have an easier time saying no than others do. I don't base my self-worth on putting other's needs ahead of my own. I wouldn't think less of someone I loved if they said no to my request. But if you think someone will think less of you, in your own head, it must be hard to think they won't. As for the rest of the world, who cares what they think if you don't want to do what they want you to?

This post seems really scattered and doesn't make a lot of sense. Sorry. I'm still processing the meeting. Maybe I'll have more that's clearer later.
 
One of the other things that came up today was relationships with parents. I have a good relationship with my mom and with MIL, but have never developed a comfortable relationship with my dad as an adult. I really don't know how to relate to my FIL, other than to talk to him about team stuff... But I am fortunate that my parents don't withhold love from me if I don't behave exactly as they want me to. I'm sure that I've done things that they aren't thrilled with but there is never any doubt that they love me. I can imagine that if your parents do withhold love from you that you grow up to think that you aren't worthy of being loved if you're not giving all the time to make someone else happy.
Click to expand...

You remind me so much of my younger sister. She has a similar relationship with my parents-- closer to Mom. I am closer to Dad. This is a very insightful and empathetic post. My parents were also very hands-on, not in a playdate kind of way, but in an encouraging, actively-proud way, supportive and loving. I cannot imagine any of us five children would be the independent-thinking, generous and loving people we are if there was any kind of rationed love exchange. Withholding love is a very cruel thing to do to a child, and wreaks havoc on a child's sense of stability and self-efficacy.

A child is an opus grande of your relationship. It is the one thing that you created in a loving act of sharing (for most people). It is a great responsibility of nurturing. This includes the gushy kind and the tough kind. It is a balancing act, indeed.

I thank God that I am close with my parents and siblings. They give me the kind of support that makes me happy to be me. My parents instilled a confidence in me just by being loving and engaged.
 
I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown today. My time is being used up on my week off from derby, doing things that I don't really want to be doing. I had to go out yesterday evening and meet my mother-in-law's cousin (because my MIL wanted to show off the grandkids). I had already made arrangements to take the kids to the park with some friends (which we all wanted to do), and that had to be cut short. I'm not the best with having my plans changed. I like to know what's happening, and then I like things to go as planned.

I guess this is part of the saying no thing that I think I'm so good at. Apparently it turns out that I'm great at saying no to strangers,and those I don't have any emotional investment in, but I'll go along with what those I care about want to do because I feel a sense of obligation. I guess I either have to suck it up and do things willingly, without resentment, or I have to speak up and say that I have plans, and they can't be changed on a whim. More stuff to work on, I guess...

But I have no problem with telling my husband that I'm not willing to do things, for the most part. So I guess there's a level of intimacy somewhere in the middle that I worry about upsetting people by telling them no. Or more to the point, I worry about not being accepted and cared for if I rock the boat. I guess if I had a really clear idea of what I did want, it would be easier to say no to the things that I don't want to do.

For example, Friday is my friend's birthday party and it's a surprise. To begin with, everything was pretty smooth, and I was excited to go and hang out. Then her partner and I were trying to figure out how to get childcare for her son. I had volunteered to find a sitter for all 3 kids, and I have one. But the only way she could make it work was to drop my friend's son off at 4, which means I have to leave work an hour early. Then I find out that it's not only the surprise party, but that everyone is expected to go out on the town afterwards with them (very strongly implied).

The thing is, I have three kids in my house who are going to get me up at the crack of dawn, and a party of my own to prepare for the next night. This is one of those places where I haven't been able to say no (at least to the early drop-off childcare part).

For my own sanity, I better not go out on the town. I want this to be a fun birthday experience for my friend. I don't want to be there being a downer because I'm feeling resentful about not being able to say no.
 
At the moment, things are good, although it seems that life is going at a whirlwind pace. There are so many exciting things that I'm doing in the next month that I'm having trouble finding down time. This weekend was very full and fun. I'm off to Vancouver tomorrow afternoon for the week. There's a ball I'm going to. And the Loving More conference.

At some point, I think I'm going to have to have a stay-at-home weekend with movies and the fireplace.

Somewhere in my head, I think of stay-at-home weekends as a waste. I'm not good at not filling up every spare moment. I'm going to work on that while I'm in Vancouver this week. Since I won't have any responsibilities (other than work), I'm going to try to listen to what *I* want to do. (If there is a pool, chances are that will be part of what I want to do.)

I don't think I do a good job of being my own primary, or at the very least, I put unrealistic expectations on myself of what I should be. I'm not sure how you learn to be your own primary. I'm not good at putting my needs first. I'm not attuned to what they are. I tend to get to the end of my rope and have a meltdown, before I know that I need a break, and need to focus on myself. And even then sometimes, there just isn't time, and I have to keep going and giving. Such is the nature of having a job that requires me to be a caregiver, and having two kids at home that I am alone with much of the time. I don't resent my job or my kids at all, but sometimes I need to be taken care of (even if it is just me doing the taking care of me).

How does one find time for self care? What does it look like? I'm not really into the pampering, massages, pedicures and stuff. Mostly it just seems like a waste of money, since I'm not sore anyway.

I enjoy moving my body at derby, but I haven't been enjoying the drama that comes with being on the board. (I'm not going to run for the board again; I prefer to just show up and skate!)

I also like small groups of company. For some reason I find more than 4 or 5 people together trying to talk a little difficult to handle. I have a hard time joining the conversation, because it seems that there's always someone with something more interesting and important to say.

I really like date nights, going somewhere where we can talk. But then again, why can't dates be quiet nights at home? More of this need to go out, so as not to "waste" the evening?

I had some of my past revealed to me this weekend, and I don't appear in the best light. As much as I know that's not where I am anymore, it was painful to rehash it. I know that there were reasons at the time that I felt the way I did, and in the long run the way things turned out were for the best. But having that mirror held up to the way I was (and am capable of being again) was a pretty uncomfortable experience.

I know that, for the most part, I am a good person, but I can overreact to things, from time to time, without being able to fully articulate why it's making me uncomfortable. (I hate that I have to be so vague about it too, it's almost like being muzzled against saying anything in my own defense.) What it feels like, though, is that I'm a less than stellar partner. All I can do at the moment is sit with that and process.

These posts are really all over the place. I really do have coherent thoughts somewhere in my head. I just can't seem to get them out in a story that makes any kind of sense. This is the way my thought process works, though. No wonder it takes me forever to figure out what my needs are. Right now, I'm having a need to have the good things about me shown to me. Having a mirror held up to you is good, as long as you see all of who you are. Just the negative and it doesn't make for good and happy feelings.

And hugs... I need hugs. Good thing I have a couple of small people here who give the best hugs ever.

I got my period today, so I'm sure that accounts for some of the emotional rollercoaster.
 
Well... hugs. :)

I suffer from Supermommy/Superwoman syndrome. I don`t like sitting around. I don`t like not feeling useful. I feel best when I am doing multiple things at once.

Learning how to relax and actually concentrate on myself took a lot of mental work. For me, it finally came about when I realized how bored I was with myself. TOTALLY sick of myself. That prompted me to do things I`ve never done, and reevaluate who I thought I really was.

As for mirrors, they can be hard to look at. Even harder if you have (like I did, not sure with you) a perfectionism streak. We then tend to see warped funhouse mirrors, and judge ourselves way more harshly than how everyone else sees us.

Critical eyes are great to have professionally, but can be a real Catch-22 on a personal level.

Again, hugs.
 
Thanks, SJ. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has unrealistic expectations of themselves.
 
**HUGS**

Sometimes self-care is allowing yourself the space to feel crappy. Writing your thoughts unapologetically also counts. I know how difficult it can be for you to get "alone" (in the sense of kid-free) time and space. Remembering the days when I was in your shoes, it took more than just a few hours of me-time to still the chatter in my head and figure out what I actually wanted to DO with myself.

It'll clear, and in the meantime, we love ya!
 
Wow, this post sent me to some serious thinking and self evaluating. Thank you!

Derbylicious said:
I'm not sure how you learn to be your own primary. I'm not good at putting my needs first because I'm not very attuned to what they are.
Click to expand...

I have noticed that this tends to happen to most women as soon as that "mommy" instinct is triggered. For most of us, it takes years to overcome this and realize that we are neglecting to care for the caregiver to our children, and they are suffering for it, or at least not getting the best we have to give.

Derbylicious said:
How does one find time for self care? What does it look like? I'm not really into pampering, massages, pedicures, and stuff. Mostly it just seems like a waste of money. I enjoy moving my body at derby, but I haven't been enjoying the drama that comes with being on the board.(I'm not going to run for the board again; I prefer to just show up and skate!) I also like small groups of company.
Click to expand...

Sometimes it is just being able to decline being "helpful", especially when you know it will only add more stress to your life. When you are the one everyone goes to when volunteers are needed, they stop asking other people to help, so by declining, you are actually giving someone else a chance to say YES.

I like taking my kid to football, but I hate most of the volunteer jobs. I do have a job that gets me on the field nearly every game, but I only have to interact with one or two other people. It is a very left-brain type job and most of the people who like to volunteer hate it. It has none of the drama of dealing with a bunch of complaining parents. I seem to be able to do a good job at it and am appreciated for it, which makes me feel good about myself.

Derbylicious said:
I know that, for the most part, I am a good person. But I can overreact to things, from time to time, without being able to fully articulate why it's making me uncomfortable.
Click to expand...

I over react a lot. It's really hard to hear your 15-year old son (who is also prone to overreact) say "Mom, it's really not that big a deal. You are overreacting. Everything is going to be fine." In the moment, I really do not appreciate when he says this, but when I am in my rational mind again, it makes me think.

Derbylicious said:
I got my period today so that accounts for some of the emotional rollercoaster.
Click to expand...

TOTALLY! Hugs!
 
I'm not sure I get the overreacting thing you talk about. I don't find you to be an overreactor. I find you to be a reactor. You respond to situations when you feel uncomfortable and don't know why. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and nothing unusual. It's not like you are a drama queen. You have emotions. You get confused by them, and express them in the only way that you know in order to work them out. Once you figure it out, you know where you are, aren't emotional anymore, and are more than accommodating of others. (Much more than I would be in your situation.) Nope, I don't believe the whole "overreaction" thing exists anywhere but in your head, at this point. Maybe those around you are less openly emotional? I dunno.

On the note of who you are as a partner-- you are a pretty damned fine one, to me. Top notch. Can't be beat. You don't give yourself enough credit, my sweets. :)

Big hugs and kisses.
 
Thanks, Love. I appreciate that. Just wait, though! One day you might get the brunt of one of my reactions. It might seem more like an overreaction then.

Hugs and kisses to you, too! 🩷
 
I've been known to shake up pop, and put it back in the fridge as a booby trap, when I'm especially angry about something. o_O Otherwise, my outbursts tend to be a bunch of crying, and then I go for a walk. In a fight or flight situation, I usually prefer flight. Getting away from the situation lets me clear my head, and then I can talk about things in a much calmer manner (most of the time). :rolleyes:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top