Hello, I would appreciate good questions and suggestions on both the practical and the feelings aspects of the situation at hand.
Backgroud: I've been dating Idealist for 5+ years. He's living with Meta, together for 13 years, and they have a small kid. I don't have a great relationship with Meta.
Here's what I posted in my blog.
Thank you in advance!
Backgroud: I've been dating Idealist for 5+ years. He's living with Meta, together for 13 years, and they have a small kid. I don't have a great relationship with Meta.
Here's what I posted in my blog.
Amazing news, opportunity to consider.
There's a flat free to rent in the very house where Idealist is living. Because it's really on the same corridor, what seemed impossible last year could happen now - Idealist also putting in some more money and moving his workplace there. We must make a decision this week.
It seems like the right step, something we must do sooner or later (and we've been together for quite some time). Try if we can make things work living together, although parttime.
It has a few hiccups though.
The practical stuff:
- There are some unusual/uncomfortable features, in particular, the bathroom being on the completely opposite end of the flat than the toilet. The kitchen doesn't have cupboards, just shelves, etc.. These make me feel not at home.
- I have no fucking clue how to set proper boundaries with Meta. I'd prefer if she didn't come at all, but that's unfortunately out of question. She'll be bringing the child sometimes for Idealist to watch. (We'll have to set up some dedicated space for the child, but that's fine with me.) She also wants the right to come see Idealist anytime. I'd rather not have that, but obviously his preferences also play a role. I'm not sure how firm to be, or what to shoot for in the negotiation. At the very least, no surprise drop-ins, please. (edit: I already told her that unannounced visits unwelcome, but didn't get a clear 'ok'.)
And, more feeling stuff:
- Somehow we (both) struggle to look forward to it. We should be enthusiastic about the opportunity, instead, deep sadness of an unknown source is coming up, and a lot of fear and worry. Questions like: Given our relationship history, is intimacy a trap? Can we retain our bdsm/lovers dynamics if we go closer? Can we make agreements without feeling constrained? I think we both fear nice times ending and family scripts loading. Possibly conflicts growing like with Idealists parents, or a life of obligation as with mine.
I'm convinced that taking the flat will lead to something net positive (even if it was a realization that no, this is not gonna work) and it is the thing to do, but somehow not easy.
Thank you in advance!
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