Need some feedback on moving together

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I see the auntie role. I feel like Boy has a more uncle type attitude than a step parent or third parent. He is in some ways stricter than Hubby and I are but he gets that "spoil then take her home" mentality that isn't parental.

Little girl knows we are in love. She knows Boy loves her. She asks if Boy and I will have a baby together. She also knows he isn't a parent. To her he's family with no title because that's how he acts, and there is no discomfort or issues with that.

So far. She's only 4.

So, tinwen, totally possible to keep that "engaged but not responsible" stance with a kid. Doesn't mean you're not responsible for basic safety and whatever caregiving you agree to, but not responsible for big decisions, finances, and other parenty stuff.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I see the auntie role. I feel like Boy has a more uncle type attitude than a step parent or third parent. He is in some ways stricter than Hubby and I are but he gets that "spoil then take her home" mentality that isn't parental.

Little girl knows we are in love. She knows Boy loves her. She asks if Boy and I will have a baby together. She also knows he isn't a parent. To her he's family with no title because that's how he acts, and there is no discomfort or issues with that.

So far. She's only 4.

So, tinwen, totally possible to keep that "engaged but not responsible" stance with a kid. Doesn't mean you're not responsible for basic safety and whatever caregiving you agree to, but not responsible for big decisions, finances, and other parenty stuff.

Oh it's totally possible to keep that stance, sure, but whether or not that means the child sees the person as a aunt/uncle is something different. As you say, your own child doesn't have a label for Boy even if Boy might feel like an Uncle to her. She probably has Uncles in her world and they don't sleep with her parents.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
"She doesn't even need to come to your door, much less come inside."

I see this as the least desired outcome from the breakdown of a romantic/co-parenting relationship so I simply can't imagine actively constructing it from the bottom up.

There isn't any breakdown. Tinwen has known Meta for years and just doesn't like her. There's no need to be friends with a metamour! Good fences make good neighbors. This is NOT ktp! Why is that so horrible? People are allowed to have their boundaries and preferences.

There is no "bottom up." This has been the arrangement all along.

I'd hate to have someone I didn't like hanging out in MY flat, when I'm there, or when I'm not. Ugh. Using the child to get into her flat is just wrong. Kids aren't pawns.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
There isn't any breakdown. Tinwen has known Meta for years and just doesn't like her. There's no need to be friends with a metamour! Good fences make good neighbors. This is NOT ktp! Why is that so horrible? People are allowed to have their boundaries and preferences.

There is no "bottom up." This has been the arrangement all along.

I'd hate to have someone I didn't like hanging out in MY flat, when I'm there, or when I'm not. Ugh. Using the child to get into her flat is just wrong. Kids aren't pawns.

Well that's why I'd think this particular set up isn't the best to put (more) kids into. I think if kids are to be raised between homes because their parents live between homes then everyone involved has to be able to share space even if they choose not to a lot of the time.

Especially if feelings of "not liking" the other person are instrumental in how things are. I think poly is a bit different to mono in this respect because of the ongoing romantic relationships with each partner.

By actively constructing it from the bottom up, I mean acknowledging the situation is how it is and choosing to further entangle yourself and add other dependents who haven't made that choice. That goes for everyone involved TBH.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
SeasonedPoly, I don't understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you just don't like parallel poly and are being weirdly judgmental about it. I don't understand why you think parallel poly would be impossible or unhealthy with kids involved.

It could function just like many ex-wife / stepmom situations where good boundaries are the key to maintaining a perfectly cordial, healthy two-family set-up. With poly, you can have the same set-up except with two ongoing relationships instead an ex & a new wife.

The model for poly doesn't have to be "everybody living together as one family." We can create other models.

I also don't understand the objection to the term/concept of "auntie" for a parent's other partner. I don't think an "aunt" is defined by being in a non-sexual relationship to a parent; I mean, it seems weird to define it that way.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Thanks for input

I'd prefere to stop the discussion on parent-like vs. non parent-like engagement (including its semantics) right there. I know already it's impossible to argue with SeasonedPoly ;), and no forum opinion will ultimately decide whether any of us has more kids. Thanks.
I may start another thread to help me clarify my role in the child's life at some point when things start to complicate (so far it has been quite simple).

I may also update you about the arrangements being made in the new flat once the move is over :)
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
SeasonedPoly, I don't understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you just don't like parallel poly and are being weirdly judgmental about it. I don't understand why you think parallel poly would be impossible or unhealthy with kids involved.

It could function just like many ex-wife / stepmom situations where good boundaries are the key to maintaining a perfectly cordial, healthy two-family set-up. With poly, you can have the same set-up except with two ongoing relationships instead an ex & a new wife.

The model for poly doesn't have to be "everybody living together as one family." We can create other models.

I also don't understand the objection to the term/concept of "auntie" for a parent's other partner. I don't think an "aunt" is defined by being in a non-sexual relationship to a parent; I mean, it seems weird to define it that way.

I find your response very strange. Firstly, I'm not against parallel poly with kids. I'm against a structure which is parallel because the people involved do not like each other enough to share more space.

There's a big difference between a friend of mine who lives being a father but is very reclusive and loves his wife to go off to her other partner's house and someone who can't bear his metamour so intentionally spends time away from him. He has a long distance partner who he probably sees every couple of years but speaks to on Skype a lot. Or they facetime but don't talk much. He's a hermit and becoming more so as he ages.

They don't have young kids but if they did, their situation doesn't give me the same concerns. If he really got on with a metamour, he'd spend 1v1 time with them like he does a select few friends. It wouldn't be KTP. And most importantly, they can peacefully share space when it is necessary to be a good partner to their hinge.

I said earlier that I think it is different when you're dealing with an ex (who isn't your co-habiting partner) and your current partner(s) than when it is 2 current partners with whom you share residential responsibilities. That's why people who are forced to live with their ex due to finances or other practicalities rarely find the space to develop healthy new relationships. A friend once asked me if I think she has a better chance of doing this successfully because she is poly and I said no. Living with an ex is living with an ex. Works for very few. I was right. They now rotate between the family house and a small apartment to share custody.

I don't think they have to live together at all. What I think is that their preexisting conflict and negative feelings mean that this set up +/- the OP maybe adding more kids to the mix is incredibly risky for the emotional wellbeing of said kids. If that wasn't the case and things like her access to the home her partner lives in wasn't influenced so much by their history, then the fact they have limited contact wouldn't matter as much IMO.

For example, Dagferi lives between 2 houses which run quite independently of each other. My understanding is that it is both her husband's preference to not socialise with each other very much. I've never commented on that situation because I in no way get the impression that it is because the 2 dislike each other and have had a tumultuous history. I might be wrong and if so, my opinion could change on that situation.

I definitely think aunt refers to someone that your parents are not sexually intimate with. I mean think of it, your aunts are your parent's and grandparent's siblings and maybe some of their cousins and friends you might refer to as Aunt. How many of your aunts have you seen in your parents bed in the same way you might see them in bed with each other?
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I'd prefere to stop the discussion on parent-like vs. non parent-like engagement (including its semantics) right there. I know already it's impossible to argue with SeasonedPoly ;), and no forum opinion will ultimately decide whether any of us has more kids. Thanks.
I may start another thread to help me clarify my role in the child's life at some point when things start to complicate (so far it has been quite simple).

I may also update you about the arrangements being made in the new flat once the move is over :)

So you start a thread about moving in with a new father who has a co-parent you actively dislike yet we cannot talk about what that means for the child?

Bizarre.
 

Tinwen

Active member
So you start a thread about moving in with a new father who has a co-parent you actively dislike yet we cannot talk about what that means for the child?

Bizarre.
Obviously you can talk whatever you want to talk about despite my wish. I just don't want to be providing input for that discussion for the next few days, because I'm moving. I wish you a good night.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
"And, of course, if he needed to care for the baby, he could bring him to your flat? I wouldn't want her having free access to my home while I was away at work. I don't see any reason why she'd need to aside from drop off or pick up the baby."

Personally, not many poly people I know would commit to having their child in a home for a significant amount of time yet their own presence is severely restricted. Even away from poly, I don't know many mono people who are happy that they aren't able to have access to the home their child spends a significant amount of time. At the very least, they want to check it out and see who the other residents are. That goes for mothers and fathers.

I wouldn't dream of inviting a child to be partially raised in my home, perhaps with their half siblings, and having rules about whether their other co-parent(s) can pop round. If me and the co-parents are in such contention, sharing parenting/adult duties for minors just isn't a viable option.

I just can't see how it will work in the kid's favour with the adults unable to share space. This is about the mental health and emotional wellbeing of children. The fact that the adults can't share nice is a real obstacle here.
Obviously you've never had shared custody with an ex...lol.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Obviously you've never had shared custody with an ex...lol.

Most people I know try their best to keep things on as good terms as possible and are disappointed when they cannot be. I don't know anyone who would complicate an already negative situation with an ex or current partner/co-parent by progressing the relationship. I don't know anyone who went into parenting knowing that the parents of the kid(s) and their partners do not like each other.

I think this is just one of those cases where the adults involved are too reluctant to give up their own desires to do what is likely best for the child(ren). It does make me sad.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Most people I know try their best to keep things on as good terms as possible and are disappointed when they cannot be. I don't know anyone who would complicate an already negative situation with an ex or current partner/co-parent by progressing the relationship. I don't know anyone who went into parenting knowing that the parents of the kid(s) and their partners do not like each other.

I think this is just one of those cases where the adults involved are too reluctant to give up their own desires to do what is likely best for the child(ren). It does make me sad.

The key words there are "as possible". Life is full of disappointments. But there is really no need for disappointment if everyone is on board with parallel poly. Then it doesn't matter if metas like each other or not. Personally, I've never met a meta I really cared to know. Sometimes all you have in common is your partner.

I view the phrase "best for the children" as both a cop-out and a passive-aggressive swipe.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
The key words there are "as possible". Life is full of disappointments. But there is really no need for disappointment if everyone is on board with parallel poly. Then it doesn't matter if metas like each other or not. Personally, I've never met a meta I really cared to know. Sometimes all you have in common is your partner.

I view the phrase "best for the children" as both a cop-out and a passive-aggressive swipe.

When you bring children into a relationship, it isn't just about the "metas". Maybe the kid wants a situation where they can happily and easily discuss OP without Meta indicating her discomfort and dislike. Okay, Meta and OP might have been best friends and fallen out after the birth of the baby, that's possible, but it is also different to ACKNOWLEDGING that you dislike the mother of a child and then CHOOSING to live with that child's father who is also still with their mother and will spend time in your home with the potential of ADDING more children with limited choice to the mix. That's essentially saying that even though this could be horrible for the child and any others that come along, our need to do this with our adult relationship supersedes the emotional wellbeing of the child. I just think that's unethical.

Indifference to your metamour and the feeling that you would never be independent friends is a far cry from actively disliking your metamour and likely resenting the relationship they have with your hinge as is the case here from both sides it seems.

Maybe I just have high standards about adult relationships taunting the lives of the dependents involved. I can be a bit like that.
 

breathemusic

Active member
You can not like a meta and not want to spend time with a meta without feeling the need to trash talk them.

You can not want a meta in your space, but also still be capable of being cordial when there is a TRUE need to spend time in the same space.

You can not like a meta, but have partners or partner's kids that want to be able to discuss them and do that civil-ly and with kindness.

In fact, I think being able to model to kids that not liking someone doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful to them is actually a really good lesson. Having romantic relationships involved in that equation doesn't have to change any of those things.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Why would you need to model that to a child by creating a poly set up where you live with the child of your partner and the metamour you dislike so much?

I learned that from things like doing school projects with kids I didn't like or having an asshole for a boss. Not by my dad dating a woman who hated my mother. Maybe I am getting old.
 

Tinwen

Active member
You can not like a meta and not want to spend time with a meta without feeling the need to trash talk them.

You can not want a meta in your space, but also still be capable of being cordial when there is a TRUE need to spend time in the same space.

You can not like a meta, but have partners or partner's kids that want to be able to discuss them and do that civil-ly and with kindness.

In fact, I think being able to model to kids that not liking someone doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful to them is actually a really good lesson. Having romantic relationships involved in that equation doesn't have to change any of those things.
Thanks.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Wow - lots of opinions here on this. Rather than respond to each individually (as was my original impulse) I will just say that I don't feel that the sexual/romantic relationships of the adults involved necessarily define the relationship that each adult has with a child.

In my family of origin only aunts (siblings and wives of siblings) and uncles (siblings and husbands of siblings) had that "aunt/uncle" title. (SIDENOTE: some cultures have different titles for aunts/uncles by blood vs. by marriage - just saying :rolleyes: - and may also differentiate by maternal and paternal lineage.) Some of our friends use "Aunt/Uncle" for family friends that are close enough to correct or reprimand poor behaviour.

I don't have kids but my/our siblings do. To my immediate family MrS is "uncle" and Dude is "cousin" - this has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with how much authority each relationship has with regards to the child.

PS. I don't want anyone dropping by my house unannounced, ever. Unless you actually live here, you seriously need to ask!
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I'm very old fashioned. I believe that the welfare of children should come before the #relationshipgoals of adults. I think moving in with the father of a child when you actively resent its mother is a selfish idea and even worse when the father is still with the mother of the child. I can't see how that is in any way beneficial to a child and would likely leave them feeling awkward and guilty about the feelings for the adults involved.

I can't think of any relationship worth risking the emotional wellbeing of a child for. Espcially when you can just choose not to entangle in a way that makes it more likely to backfire on the child..it really just seems immature and selfish.

I let my partner have a look at this thread, they suggested that Meta is calling their bluff by showing them that it just wouldn't be feasible to progress their relationship into nesting and kids when things are this way. Its like everyone is happy to experiment with the kid.
 

Tinwen

Active member
I let my partner have a look at this thread, they suggested that Meta is calling their bluff by showing them that it just wouldn't be feasible to progress their relationship into nesting and kids when things are this way. Its like everyone is happy to experiment with the kid.
This is just getting more and more absurd.

I think Meta is showing serious progress in accepting me as part of their life by being ok with this move.

You are blowing the tension we have out of proportion. It's not like we can't be in the same room, ever. I'm coming over quite regularly. We play in a band together. Yeah, we can't be roommates. We get on each other's nerves after a few hours. So what.

Nobody's experimenting with the childs wellbeing now. The child has a healthy bond with his mom, and daily attention from his dad and/or other adults. It's happy, social and Shining. There's no intention to change that.
 
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