Cohabitation Advice? Non-Mono Partner with Long-Term Live In Partner

Lijah

Lijah

New member
New to the forum, but hoping folks can give some insight and advice.

I've been with my partner for approximately 7 months now, and things are accelerating pretty quickly.

She has been open for many years, and has a long term life partner whom she has a child with, and he's also open. Their relationship has worked for them where they've been each others primary partner, while having other less serious partnerships and/or casual hook ups often.

This is officially my first time navigating and being in an open relationship. I'm more interested in the potential for other partnerships vs. casual hook ups, as that just isn't my preference or orientation. But for now, not seeking anything outside of my current partnership, unless something forms organically with someone else. However, my partner is super supportive of me dating others, if that's what I want when the time comes.

Back to the subject:

Things are coming up about cohabitation, and primarily because we have been actively co-parenting the kiddo, and that part is working out great. I've been able to establish love and trust with the child, and also deeply respect her father, he's a great guy with good politics.

I live in an apartment right now, but my partner wants me to move in with her and her long time partner, aforementioned in this post.

While I understand her perspective in wanting to live under the same roof, share resources and have more balance as far as being present for the kiddo, I'm nervous about it for a few reasons:

1. I'm trans. Being at my current apartment means that I have more privacy, and feel more free about "walking around naked" for instance, since I haven't medically transitioned at all. Her partner is a cis guy, and I'm just not comfortable with being potentially seen in the nude, or rather even just having to always be fully dressed while I'm home. Also since we're both masculine of center and introverted, the energy is generally awkward and weird when we have to be around each other. We tend to actively avoid each other, though are cordial to one another.

2. I don't believe that we have to live together to have a solid partnership. I'm super introverted at times, and use being home as time to recharge. When we return to each other, it makes our time together sweeter.

3. Generally, I'm not a super jealous, but it does bother me, sometimes, when they are openly affectionate with one another. That's totally fine, I mean they are also in love, and I can be accountable for my feelings, but I guess I'm saying I don't need to be around it all the time. Living together feels like I might be navigating those emotions more than I care to.

4. The current configuration she's proposing is that we either renovate the attic and move me in upstairs, or I take a room for the time being. While I'm grateful for the consideration, I don't think she's considering the fact that I'm grown, and would also like to buy a home. I was in the midst of a home search prior to meeting her, and I have very grown up needs around space. Living in a room feels constricting and unreasonable as a 33 year old.

I feel like they are exercising some hierarchical privilege around the cohabitation part. Sure, I only have an apartment, and they bought a home together years ago, but that doesn't mean I want to move in and integrate with their life in that way without considering all the factors. I want her to be a part of my home as well. I'm also not asking my partner to move out of her home with him, but I need there to be some balance around the way we're doing this.

Open to any advice! Please be kind.

Thanks.
 
Hi and welcome.

I think you have very valid reasons for not moving in. The only thing I can add to that is 7 months is a very short time to consider such a huge lifestyle change. What happens when the newness wears off? You are already having doubts.

Now is a good time to lay out to them all your expectations of what a future with them looks like, as well as listening to theirs.
 
If it is not a joyous yes from all sides then it probably is not a good idea to move in.

I split my time 50/50 between my husbands. When my kids were little the used to travel with me a lot.

Why the push to move in?
 
Hello Lijah,

Whatever the three of you (it sounds like a V) decide, it should be decided with the consent of all three of you. From your post here, you do not seem to be feeling very consenting about moving in with them. I think they should respect your feelings, you have good reasons for wanting a place of your own. What about the idea of moving into two homes that are close together (perhaps next-door to each other)? Would that be a possibility? Then your partner (the hinge of the V) could switch back and forth between the two homes.

But also, vinsanity has a good point, you have only been with your partner for seven months, and so it might be a little soon to be considering such things. What if you move next-door to each other (or into the same house with each other) and then you and your partner break up? You might want to wait awhile to see if this is a relationship that is going to stick. Early in a relationship you have NRE, which makes you feel like living together would be a great idea when in fact it might not turn out that way.

If you do decide to move in with them, you will have to make some changes and adjustments in how you now live, and what privileges you currently enjoy. No more walking about naked, no opportunity to recharge, continuous exposure to their displays of affection, no home of your own. If you think you can live with all those disadvantages, then it is reasonable to consider moving in with them, but I am thinking you would be giving up more than you would want to, and so my vote is to live in your own place.

Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
Lijah said:
New to the forum, but hoping folks can give some insight and advice ... I only have an apartment, and they bought a home together years ago, but that doesn't mean I want to move in and integrate with their life in that way without considering all the factors. I want her to be a part of my home as well. I'm also not asking my partner to move out of her home with him, but I need there to be some balance around the way we're doing this.

Open to any advice! Please be kind.

Thanks.
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Welcome to the forum! I'm fairly new here too. I think that you wanting your own space is perfectly natural, as is wanting balance. Exactly what the answer is, may not be perfectly clear, but if you stick with the basic principles of honesty, appreciation, respect, and communication, the solution will over time reveal itself. I hope it works out positively for you all!
 
Moving into their attic may be a good solution or not, but it sounds like maybe it's too early to do that decision. You feel awkward around her partner, and you may want more independence then cohabitation with them offers.

You could thank her for the offer, and say that you'll consider it for later, or outline whatever different solution for your long-term future you envision so that she can think about it.
 
I think you answered your own question. Whether you're trans or not. It's nice to be able to be naked around one's house. It's a privilege of being a grownup with no kids. It's nice to have as much space as you want, a living room and kitchen to yourself, not just a bedroom like you're a kid living with your parents. If you can afford to live with no roommates, there is no need to take any on!

I wouldn't want to live with my metamour either.

One more point of confusion: if your gf and her OSO only want casual sex or hookups, why are you co-parenting and why is she proposing you move in? That seems contradictory.
 
Seven months is really fast for coparenting as well as cohabitation. It’s great that the coparenting is going well. It really sounds like you want to keep your own place for various reasons, and I think you could listen to those needs. My need for my own space isn’t as as specifically situational as yours, but I am in the place of wishing, and actually planning (long term), for an end to cohabitation.

I share a home with each of my coparent partners. They don’t parent each others’ kids, but they show familial care and are supportive of my needs in parenting the other kid/kid-set. The kids are welcome in both homes, but mostly just the youngest goes back and forth with me.

I love my partners and hope we will support each other and share everything we do share for the rest our lives. Except homes. I rarely get time alone at home to myself. In the same way that I fundamentally see myself as my own primary, I want to cohabit with myself, once it becomes economically feasible. I would go ahead and get my own place now if it were possible to be close enough for easy coparenting.

I am planning for a future where the default is “me time”, so that sharing time and space can be more intentional and fulfilling.

You can partner and coparent from nearby. You can have long visits and regular overnights. But if you don’t keep your own place, it’s not there for you when you need the solitude, the recharge, the down time.

I admit that it is absolutely all about me that I feel like looking you in the eye and saying, “Don’t give it up! Don’t you ever give it up!” But at least don’t move in until it’s what you really want. You don’t sound like it is, even a little bit.

Edited to add: You seem to have a good grasp of the main issues. Please do not let your specific needs and the near-universal challenges of this type of scenario get minimized in the (hopefully limited) discussion around this. There is no way to tuck an independent adult into an established family home in a way that makes it as much your space as theirs.
 
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You don't sound like you want to, so don't. It's ok to say "Thanks. But not at this time."

Things are coming up about cohabitation, and primarily because we have been actively co-parenting the kiddo, and that part is working out great. I've been able to establish love and trust with the child, and also deeply respect her father, he's a great guy with good politics.
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While I understand her perspective in wanting to live under the same roof, share resources and have more balance as far as being present for the kiddo,
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What's wrong with how you are all co-parenting now? What/why is she wanting to change?

Esp when the kid seems happy and it working out?

I mean, maybe it works out great because you DO have your own space and get to recharge your batteries there. Taking that away might not be so hot. Sometimes there is such thing as too much togetherness.

Galagirl
 
Do you want to be a parent? Seven months in seems really early for anyone in a newish relationship to want to take that major leap. Is being around the child more the main point of moving in? Are there advantages for your relationship with your partner?

If you do really want to be a parent, lots of people coparent while living apart. Divorced people do it all the time.

This just seems very rushed. You don't know your partner well yet. She does not know you. Her coparent does not know you well or vice versa. Seven months is just not long enough for people to really show their various sides.

What if things go wrong? It's one thing if adults all rush into things, adults can largely handle the fall out of things ending poorly. Children, while resilient, may not understand when someone they have come to love disappears from their life. And there is a whole other level of pain in not being able to be around a child that you have grown to love.

I think your instincts to hesitate are spot on. Please wait.
 
I’m the hinge of a V, and we all live in and own a house together. DarkKnight and I were renting a 6 bedroom, 4 bath house when PunkRock moved in. What was most important to us was that each of my partners had 2 separate spaces they could retreat to, if they wanted - a bedroom, as well as another space. For DarkKnight that was an office; PunkRock had an art studio. After a couple of years, we bought our current house with the same mentality - people need their own private space to be naked, or whatever. In our new house, PunkRock has the entire basement suite - which is a bedroom, bathroom and an art studio. (I have an area in the art studio for my own crafting.) DarkKnight has a bedroom and an office upstairs.

It IS possible to integrate into an already existing household, but you need to be completely upfront about what sort of space you would like to have. If they can’t provide that, I think relocating close by and maybe just having a space in your partner’s home would work okay.
 
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