Roadblock

[islandgy9]

"The road goes on forever and the party never ends..."

It’s 5 am and I’m a little punchy. Been up since 4 trying to figure this one out, so I thought I’d reach out to old friends. Can someone shed some insight so I can get some sleep?

Yet another teary discussion last night with my societorially-cultured monogamous beloved. She has known from the onset of our relationship I am poly, not without struggle. I've tried to gently let her know I wanted to explore the possibility of re-kindling a relationship with a longtime friend and former lover, TP. My intimate relationship with TP was going on when I met BB, about 6 years ago. Reasons for TP and my reversion to platonic was due to emotional communication difficulties. She wanted to keep things "light," but with more time together, while at the same time her canceling dates due to her busy schedule with her kids. There was also a big issue of BB's stipulation for us (TP and me) to keep our dates short, i.e., 2 hours or so, and on an infrequent basis. Regardless, I’m hoping perhaps some of those factors have changed enough for TP and me to share the good things we had.

Ideally, if TP is interested in re-establishing (I haven’t even talked to her about this yet) a relationship, and wants, as I do, to be physical, that would be my much welcomed on my part. If TP would like to see each other more, but keep it platonic, I will adjust my paradigm and be joyful for that. However, BB has made it clear she does not want me to have any kind of relationship with TP, but will tolerate a platonic one.

Finally, here is my problem: Why can I accept the possibility of TP’s desire not to be physical, but I can’t seem to internalize that limiting factor from BB? Does this make any sense? I have a 15-year ongoing "friends and more" relationship with a married couple that BB has accepted, and BB was "tolerant" of a physical relationship I had with a married poly woman. BB said, “I’m putting my foot down on this potential relationship with TP." Thoughts?

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi. In our Guidelines we request you use nicknames, not initials, for your people. I have created nicknames out of your initials.

I also edited your text slightly for clarity in mt response. Please check to make sure I got it right.

"The road goes on forever and the party never ends..."

It’s 5 am and I’m a little punchy. I've been up since 4 trying to figure this one out, so I thought I’d reach out to old friends. Can someone shed some insight so I can get some sleep?

I had yet another teary discussion last night with my socially cultured monogamous beloved, Barb. She has known from the onset of our relationship that I am poly. It was not without struggle.

I tried to gently let her know I wanted to explore the possibility of re-kindling a relationship with a longtime friend and former lover Tip. My intimate relationship with Tip was going on when I met Barb, about 6 years ago.

The reasons that Tip and I reverted to a platonic relationship was due to emotional communication difficulties. She wanted to keep things "light," with time together, but at the same time she would cancel dates due to her busy schedule with her kids.

There was also the big issue of Barb’s stipulation for Tip and me to keep our dates short, i.e., 2 hours or so, and on an infrequent basis. Regardless, I’m hoping perhaps some of those factors have changed enough for Tip and me to share the good things we had.

Ideally, if Tip is interested in re-establishing (I haven’t even talked to her about this yet) a relationship and wants, as I do, to be physical, that would be my much welcomed on my part. If Tip would like to see each other, more but keep it platonic, I will adjust my paradigm and be joyful for that.

However, Barb has made it clear she does not want me to have any kind of relationship with Tip, and she will only tolerate a platonic one.

Finally, here is my problem: Why can I accept the possibility of Tip’s desire not to be physical, but I can’t seem to internalize that limiting factor from Barb? Does this make any sense?

I have a 15-year ongoing "friends and more" relationship with a married couple that Barb has accepted, and Barb was "tolerant" of a physical relationship I had with a married poly woman. Barb said, “I’m putting my foot down on this potential relationship with Tip.”

Thoughts?

It seems to me, Barb feels less threatened by your married partners. The reasons why are obvious. Your single friend and former lover Tip is more of a threat. Barb is afraid Tip will "steal her man."

What would happen if you had longer yet platonic dates for a while, with Tip? Say, 3 or 4 hours, instead of only 2? Barb can only make requests for your behavior; she has no right to order you around.

If you make changes gradually, and keep reassuring Barb with your words and actions, that Tip is not going to steal you away, maybe it would help.

Then you could see if Tip wants to resume sex. If she does, Barb can either also "tolerate" this, or she won't. And you decide what you want to do then. Be poly without a mono partner? Are you tired of her calling the shots on how you want (need, desire) to conduct your other relationships? 6 years is a long time for her to be in control of you. It's now heading into fights that end with crying. Something has to give.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello islandgy9,

I am assuming that you do not want to break up with Bb/Barb, no matter what. If this is the case, then you are going to have to accept some limitations on your relationship with Tp/Tip because Barb has made it clear that she will not tolerate a romantic relationship between you and Tip. Maybe it's because Barb is "brainwashed by the monogamy machine," I don't know. She does not seem to be interested in changing, not in that area at least.

I suppose you could call her bluff, and tell her you will pursue a romance with Tip, and she (Barb) can respond to that in whatever way she sees fit. I don't know if that means Barb will break up with you. That's a risk you'd be taking.

She knew well in advance that you were polyamorous, but on the other hand, you knew that she was monogamous. As such, this stance she's taking shouldn't come as a complete surprise. A mono/poly relationship is going to have some give and take; I think you have come up against one instance of that. Barb has tolerated other relationships you have, but she is not willing to tolerate this one. I have a feeling you're going to have to accept that.

I'm sorry there are no easy answers here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[hedgehog]

Finally, here is my problem: Why can I accept the possibility of TP’s desire not to be physical but I can’t seem to internalize that limiting factor from BB? Does this make any sense? I have a 15-year ongoing "friends and more" relationship with a married couple that BB has accepted. And BB was "tolerant" of a physical relationship I had with a married poly woman. BB said “I’m putting my foot down on this potential relationship with TP." Thoughts?

It sounds like a quagmire to me. With such situations, I rely on basic principles like honesty, appreciation, respect, and communication to auto-navigate, and come what may. But that's just me. In reality, it's not the people we're committed to, but the type of relationship we're willing to accept. This will get you past your roadblock, but I cannot say whether what lies beyond it is something you would find preferable to your present situation. Personally, I say no risk, no reward.

 

[islandgy9]

Apologies for not knowing the protocol, thank you for the adjustments.
Thank you also for your thoughts and comments. The outcome is still unfolding.

 

[vinsanity0]

Finally, here is my problem: Why can I accept the possibility of TP’s desire not to be physical, but I can’t seem to internalize that limiting factor from BB? Does this make any sense? I have a 15-year ongoing "friends and more" relationship with a married couple that BB has accepted. And BB was "tolerant" of a physical relationship I had with a married poly woman. BB said “I’m putting my foot down on this potential relationship with TP.” Thoughts?

Because if TP makes that decision, it's their decision. BB making that decision is controlling behavior. BB is less threatened by married women/men because they don't appear to be available. That's understandable, even though it's not rational.

 

[TXretired]

Jealousy

The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola has been a blessing to my wife and me. We are working our way though it. My poly partner and her husband, I don’t see finishing it. My poly partner and I will go through it.

While it is a great help, you have to admit jealousy and make a commitment to do the workbook. It does not mean you blame anyone. It is just reality.