newbie need some relationship help

M

Marmelade

New member
I would like to ask for some advice or just hear what you think about situation I am in. Just different perspective.
I met a man and it started. Every time we were about to meet he was cancelling the dates until it finally happened. as it was long awaited thing it burst with love. I wanted to be chill and see where it goes. I wanted to have my space let him have his space and be happy togheter. Two years before I finished 7 years relationship and wanted next one to be better. I felt he gave me sings that he would like it to be more, with planning future events and us being very like fallen in love birds.. Until one evening when it turned up that at the same time as me he is meeting 3 other girls. But never mentioned it before. I was shocked, and he was supprised with my reaction,as we didn’t speak about exclusivity. I didn’t think I had to. He explained to me that he is and always been polyamorous. For me that was a new term. We talked more, I read a bit, but I felt I cant do it. Even if it was a beginning of relationship I felt that i really fall in love and hearing that I am not the only one hurt. I told him that I don’t think its for me and even if I have feelings for him and its hard I would like to stop seeing him.if I want different things and he wants different things we cant find a compromise here. He didn’t want to stop seeing me and decided to stop contacting other people. I felt much safer and comfortable. I felt so in love and good, but he didn’t fully. At least every month we had a conversation about how much he needs to meet other people. Every time hearing this hurt. we spoke more. I got the idea. I was thinking about my previous relationship experiences when it happened to me that I had to choose between 2 people or cheated on someone.Maybe he's right and human kind is not monogamous and we are attracted to multiple people makes sense. But I somehow couldn’t let it go at this stage. He was and wasn’t patient with me. Every month he would remind me how much he needs to meet other people. How much pressure it takes out from him and how much happier he would be. (I stil don’t understand what pressure. I never asked him for more than not seing other people). I told him I love him and he replied after some time that he loves me too but he needs to see other people - in one sentence. It was very bittersweet for me. After 9 months under so much pressure and constant talks which almost always end up with me couldn’t stop crying (I still don’t know why this topic bring tears) I told him that we will try his way now and see how it goes. i told him my rules. That I want to know when he’s meeting people, I am very busy person with lots of things to do but still I would be wondering whats happening if hes for example not replying to messages. 2. I don’t want him to bring people to his flat as this is where we spend most of the time and if he wants this a lot we can meet at mine. And I don’t want him to message other people when I am around. He said he wants us to be primary partners where we are most important for each other. He said he doesn’t want to know when I am out with someone and he was also very surprised that this are all my rules, that if I want to sleep with friends or people who he knows etc. it felt like we didn’t finish the conversation. So I thought we will come back to it and clarify all and than start. However one night he came to me and said that he met with one girl (nothing happened as she didn’t accept relationship hierarchy) and also that he wants to go for sex party to berlin. By himself. That just shocked me. Sex party in berlin was for him like a bucket of ice cream after fasting. I felt so dissaponted that he didn’t tell me that we already started and coming with heavy gears like this. He went. And I was the worst person wishing him awful time which he actually had… After he came back he brought me gifts and had a lot of appreciation to our relationship, us and our connection. Said he rushed with that.
My partner broke almost all the rules which I gave him or found a loopholes with ones. I felt I have to hire a lawyer to make sure everything is clear. He took somebody to his flat, thinking rule is about room so used flatmates, he message girl during the night, and was very sorry when I found out. Also,he was late to meet me because he was on the other date before. That all made me so sad…

Some time after I met a guy who I decided I want to go out for a date and see what happens. After we kissed I felt very positive feelings towards my partner that he is ok with me having a good time like this, but than it became more complicated. I went through stress first telling other guy that I am with someone (which I wanted as its fair, plus he was ok with it) but than when it came to intimate situation I was thinking about my partner. I felt its not the same body, its not somebody I am crazy in love with. And the guy is a really nice and sweet boy who after first kiss became so attached, kissy and touchy which definitely overwhelmed me. He is a nice person and I felt like a disappointment for him, like somebody who cant offer something he might want from me. i felt I would prefer to keep being friends with him as sex just complicated everything. My partner called me after I went for a date and I had to cancel my work appointment to comfort him. Because I care. Couple days after I didn’t do my project on the day I planned as I had to have a serious conversation with the other guy who needed it. After some time we stopped to hang out more. One extra person who needed care and it already feelt too much for me

My closest friends know I am in open relationship as I very often struggle and need somebody to talk to and seeking advice. But as every situation is different its not easy. After more than a year me and my partner don’t have any picture togheter on social media. We both don’t care too much but I think it would be really nice if he would be proud of our relationship as hes saing he is. He said is ok and we can even change status to open relationship. And then I realized that I wouldn’t want that and I am ashamed of it. Not happy and proud. For my partner everything seems great, he could say to everybody “ I am in happy, loving, committed open relationship”. I cant. One youngster after getting to know that im in open relationship, offered me sex. I felt like it sounded”, yeah, my legs are open. “ Also, when being on the party with majority of man my partner told me that he saw them looking like on pray. I know he is jealous too. if we are having life like this shouldn’t we be open about it too? I don’t want to live in a lie. We talk and act like being only together but we are not. I want to talk about everything (of course sensible) but I don’t want to have tabu topics… I don’t understand this

Recently I had a breakdown as I realized that his constant dates (and its so many) makes me feel so sad but I cant do anything about it. but I don’t want to be sad..i bacame frustrated and I am trying to let it go but it result in carrying less and loosing motivation to this relationship. I also somehow (probably because mentioned feelings), don’t want to meet other people now… I do trust him when he says I am enough and he loves me the most and he wants to be togheter until we get old. We spend lots of time together too and are constantly in touch. I feel I am still in the big fall in love phase when I just want to be with him all the time, and I don’t feel he ever had exactly the same. I am feeling an emotional rollercoaster with my partner and I am thinking if its not this, what makes me love him so much. Strong emotions…
I never had time to think what I want from that style of relationship. I actually wish I would know an open relationship concept before, in other positive closed relationships so we could both happily explore more together. I am not sure if I want to be in something what constantly makes me fell so sad, instead of happy. I am happy with my life except that part. I know he wants and sees our future together, until we get old, but I somehow cant. I cant imagine how it would living togheter (he would just go out for a night leaving me home?) or I would want to have kids one day. (I would be pregnant or with kids when he would be having sex with somebody else?)Would I always feel that way or it would pass one time? I know on lots of this questions I should find answers in myself but I cant! I have no idea… I just know how it feels and I know I don’t want this feeling of sadness
I don’t know if creating that type of sexual connections with people is so worth if its mostly complicating my life and taking out time. I have good friends who I want to give my time to, and know that it might be not enough. I want to care about my connections and it needs time. I would like to develop myself in so many directions and do so many things that I would want to do, that I am not sure if its worth to put myself into many more other closer relationships. I like the idea of freedom and not holding yourself back/ resenting and repressing feelings but it seems preety complicated, emotional and time consuming. Or maybe I am doing it wrong.
If we would be exclusive I wouldn’t mind him going out with friends without telling me. its sex and intimacy with other women which makes the difference. Even if I know all reassurance he gives me It still somehow hurts me. Observe the feeling, they say. But I feel like I am walking with a stone in my shoe, from time to time take it out being like ‘ oh it’s a stone’ and putting it back to the shoe. I don’t know if its my ego which suffers or being out of a comfort zone but I am tired of this making me sad. And I still cant figure it out why it makes me cry! After reading forums and books, I feel I am being very immature, I would be happy with advice or with hearing your thoughts
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Even if it was a beginning of relationship I felt that i really fall in love and hearing that I am not the only one hurt. I told him that I don’t think its for me and even if I have feelings for him and its hard I would like to stop seeing him.if I want different things and he wants different things we cant find a compromise here.
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I think you got it right the first time around. You both want very different things from relationships. You wanted to end it. But didn't.

Instead you tried it your way -- monogamy. And he wasn't happy.

Then you tried it his way -- open relationship. And now you aren't happy.

Even if I know all reassurance he gives me It still somehow hurts me. Observe the feeling, they say. But I feel like I am walking with a stone in my shoe, from time to time take it out being like ‘ oh it’s a stone’ and putting it back to the shoe. I don’t know if its my ego which suffers or being out of a comfort zone but I am tired of this making me sad.
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Even now you seem to know that love alone is not enough for deep compatibility. You love him, but this relationship style is not for you.

You don't want to break up. But maybe seeing that's the only thing left to do. Already tried everything else. So sad about it.

And you will stay sad.

Until you decide you are done being sad and ready to take the stone out of the shoe and be done. So you can move on to something else.

I might be wrong in my impression, but that's what it sounds like. I'm sorry. :(

Galagirl
 
Hello Marmelade,

It sounds like you and your man love each other very much, but your efforts to get along with him are just complicating your life and making you feel sad (e.g., you cry tears). You know he wants open, he needs open, you want to give him what he needs but then it takes away from what you need. You have tried open/poly for yourself, you have tried dating an additional person, but that only resulted in you finding out that poly is not your cup of tea. Of course, it does not help that he wiggled around the rules that you established, the rules that he agreed to, he wiggled around them without renegotiating with you, even without giving you notice ahead of time. He does not communicate with you well, he does not let you know what's going on with him until after it's too late. He didn't tell you he was poly until after you were thoroughly fallen in love with him, and then he acted surprised that his polyness hurt you. He has handled it all poorly from the very beginning.

I don't think you really want to break up with him, and he certainly doesn't want to break up with you. You just wish he would make you his one and only. You wish he would give you that specialness in his life. You wish he would give you the kind of relationship you could be proud of, the kind of relationship you could announce to the whole world. Instead he is subjecting you to this arrangement where you are not enough for him, where he has to go out looking for others ... many, many others. And then he tells you you're "enough" when you know it's not true, you can feel it's not true, the evidence is right in front of you. You're not enough for him. He is enough for you, but you are not enough for him. This terrible truth is the thing that is making you feel so sad. He is not returning to you the same kind of love that you are giving to him.

In poly, we have a saying that there is such a thing as being "poly-saturated." That even though love is an abundant resource, time is a limited resource. Everybody has a certain number of partners at which, once they reach that number, they could not possibly sustain one more partner. Everybody has a "poly-saturation number." And sometimes, that number is one. One partner. At one partner, you are poly-saturated. You cannot sustain any more partners than that, at least, not in a way that would make you feel comfortable, not in a way that would allow you to lend each relationship the kind of quality attention you would think it would deserve. Your man's poly-saturation number, on the other hand, is much higher. He does not want nor need to give each individual relationship the kind of quality attention that you would give it. He is happy spreading himself thin. This devalues you. It makes you feel devalued.

I will not say, "Break up with him." That is too painful of a decision for anyone to make for you. I am only describing to you your situation as I understand it, and letting you draw your own conclusions. You simply are not happy in this relationship. In order for you to be happy, you'd have to close the relationship and make it monogamous, and then he wouldn't be happy. You've already tried it. You know it doesn't work. He just pesters you over and over again. "Please let me be poly. I need to see other people. I love you but I need to see other people." Something that hurts you just to hear the words. About the only alternative is to ask, "How can I just feel okay about this? How can I let him be poly and at the same time, make this sadness go away? stop crying when I hear him talk about it?" and honestly that's a complicated question, it is hard to find the answers. But here's a few links that may help:

I hope you are able to find a solution.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Marmelade said:
I met a man. Every time we were about to meet, he would cancel the dates, until it finally happened. As it was a long awaited thing, it burst with love.

I wanted to be chill and see where it went. I wanted to have my space, let him have his space, and be happy together. 2 years earlier I had ended a 7 year relationship, and I wanted the next one to be better.

I felt he gave me signs that he would like it to be more, by planning future events, and us being very like love birds, until one evening when it turned out that he was seeing 3 other girls besides me, but had never mentioned it before.

I was shocked. He was surprised, as we had not spoken about exclusivity. I didn’t think I had to. He explained to me that he is and always has been polyamorous. That was a new term for me.

We talked more, I read a bit, but I felt I couldn't do it. Even if it was the beginning of the relationship, I felt that I had really fallen in love, and hearing that I was not the only one hurt. I told him that I didn’t think it was for me. Even if I had feelings for him, and it was hard, I would like to stop seeing him. If we wanted different things, we wouldn't be able to find a compromise.

He didn’t want to stop seeing me, and decided to stop contacting the other people. I felt much safer and more comfortable. But he didn’t. At least every month we had a conversation about how much he needed to see other people.

I got the idea. I thought about my previous relationship experiences, when I had to choose between 2 people, or I even cheated on someone. Maybe he was right, that humankind is not monogamous, and being attracted to multiple people makes sense.

But somehow, I couldn’t let it go at this stage. He was and wasn’t patient with me. Every month he would remind me how much he needed to see other people, how much pressure it was on him, and how much happier he would be. (I still don’t understand the "pressure." I never asked him for more than not seeing other people).

I told him I loved him. He replied that he loved me too, but he needed to see other people. It was very bittersweet for me. After 9 months, under so much pressure, and constant talks, which almost always ended up with me crying, I told him that I would try it his way.

My rules.

1. I want to know when he’s meeting people. I would wonder what's happening if he, for example, is not replying to my messages.

2. I don’t want him to bring people to his flat, as this is where we spend most of the time. But if he wants this, we can meet at my flat instead.

3. I don’t want him to message other people when I am around.

He said he wants us to be primary partners. He said he doesn’t want to know when I am out with someone.


It felt like we didn’t finish the conversation. I thought we would come back to it, clarify it all, and than start. However, one night he came to me and said that he met a girl. (Nothing happened, as she didn’t accept relationship hierarchy.)

Then he said that he wanted to go to a sex party in Berlin. By himself. That just shocked me. A sex party in Berlin was for him like a bucket of ice cream after fasting.

He went to the party. I wished him an awful time. After he came back he brought me gifts and had a lot more appreciation for our relationship, for us and our connection. He said he had rushed into that.

My partner then broke almost all the rules which I had given him, or found loopholes. I felt I had to hire a lawyer to make sure everything was clear. He took somebody to his flat. He messaged a girl during the night, and was very sorry when I found out. Also, he was late to meet me once because he was on another date before ours.

Then I met a guy. I decided I wanted to go out for a date with him. We kissed. I had positive feelings for my partner. He was OK with me having a good time. But than it became more complicated.

I told the other guy that I was with someone else. I wanted to say this so it would be fair. He was OK with it. But then, when it came to an intimate situation with the new guy, I was thinking about my partner instead. I felt, it's not somebody I am crazy in love with.

The guy was a really nice and sweet boy. After our first kiss, he became so attached, kissy and touchy, which definitely overwhelmed me. I felt like a disappointment for him, like somebody who couldn't offer something he might want from me. i felt I would prefer to be friends with him instead, as sex just complicated everything.

My partner called me after I went on the date. I had to cancel my work appointment to comfort him, because I cared. A couple days after that, I couldn’t do a project, as I had to have a serious conversation with the other guy. We stopped hanging out. He was one extra person who needed care, and it already felt like too much for me.


After more than a year, my partner and I don’t have any pictures together on social media. I think it would be really nice if he would be as proud of our relationship as he says he is.

He said we could change our status to "Open Relationship. I wouldn’t want that. For my partner, everything seems great. He could say to everybody, “I am in a happy, loving, committed open relationship." I can't.

One youngster, after finding out that I was in open relationship, offered me sex. I felt like it sounded like, "Yeah, my legs are open." Also, after being at a party with a majority of men, my partner told me that he saw them looking at me like prey. I know he is jealous too.

Recently I had a breakdown as I realized that his constant dates (there are so many!) make me feel so sad, but I can't do anything about it. I have become frustrated. I am trying to let it go, but it results in caring less and losing motivation for this relationship. I also don’t want to meet other people now.

I do trust him when he says I am enough, and he loves me the most, and he wants to be together until we get old. We spend lots of time together, and are constantly in touch.

I feel I am still in the big falling in love phase, when I just want to be with him all the time, but I don’t feel he ever had exactly the same feeling. I am on an emotional roller coaster with my partner.

I never had time to think about what I want from this style of relationship. I actually wish I would have known about the open relationship concept before, in other positive closed relationships, so we could both happily explore more together.

I can't imagine how it would living together (he would just go out for a night, leaving me home?), or if I want to have kids one day (I would be pregnant, or with the kids, while he was having sex with somebody else?).

I don’t know if creating that type of sexual connection with other people is worth it, or if it mostly complicates my life and takes too much time. I have good friends who I want to give my time to, and know that it might be not be enough. I want to care about my connections, and that takes time.

I am not sure if it's worth it to put myself into many more other close relationships. I like the idea of freedom and not holding yourself back, not resenting and repressing feelings, but it seems pretty complicated, emotional and time consuming. Or maybe I am doing it wrong.

If we were exclusive I wouldn’t mind him going out with friends without telling me. It's sex and intimacy with other women which makes the difference.

I feel like I am walking with a stone in my shoe, from time to time taking it out, being like, "Oh, it’s a stone," and putting it back in my shoe. I don’t know if its my ego which is suffering, or being out of my comfort zone, but I am tired of this making me sad.
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I see you have English as a second language. You did a good job, but I revised your text a bit, and added more paragraph breaks. It was a very long wall of text. I will comment in my next post.
 
I feel your pain. Even though I am poly (and always have been), I feel your pain too.

I made myself conform to a mono relationship, which turned into a marriage after a few years. We were together over 30 years and had 3 kids. Even though he was a great guy in many ways, I was never truly happy being mono with him. (I might have been happier being a different kind of mono with a different kind of person, I think.)

I allowed him to coerce me into monogamy early on, when we were first dating and infatuated. He kept asking me, "Are you my one and only?" I was only 19, but I'd had several relationships in the prior 4 years. Everyone has been less interesting and less attractive than this guy, and I was tired of having my heart nicked from breakups. But still, I was very young, and I made the mistake of committing to my bf, to being his "one and only."

This resulted in decades of me trying to hide my attractions for others, to avoid hurting his feelings. He couldn't stand the slightest hint of me thinking someone attractive. But he always suspected the attractions I tried to hide, and, since he had low self esteem, he put more meaning into my crushes than they had, resulting in constant jealousy and suspicion. It was awful, feeling watched all the time.

After 20 years, we tried to Open. Tried. He met a woman and fell in love with her, and fell out of love with me. He was monogamous. Period.

I found I didn't have time to really date others. It was actually his idea to Open. I would have been fine if he'd just stopped being mad every time I saw someone cute. This was before internet dating. I didn't come across other people to date at that time. I was very busy with our kids.

We struggled on for 10 more years (basically for the kids) and then I ended it. He didn't want our marriage to end. He knew he'd behaved badly when he fell in love, neglecting me, our kids and our house, pets and car care. He loved our sex, he loved my housework, having his laundry done, my excellent cooking. He just didn't really love me anymore as a person.

We Closed our relationship, since we'd agreed we could veto other partners (a mistake). But he didn't fall out of love with the other woman. In fact, they are still together! She ran to him as soon as he and I separated. :rolleyes:

I couldn't bend myself into a pretzel anymore. We had our ups and downs. We did a lot of therapy. The therapy saved me, but it didn't save our relationship. He made good money, and our sex life was amazing, but he didn't love me anymore, and I couldn't stand it. In this time, early 2000s, I "met" some guys on the internet and became infatuated with a few (I didn't meet any in real life.) But the attention from them was like a drink of cool water after being in the desert of my marriage.

We split in 2008.

So, the moral of our stories is, no matter how you love, you have to be true to yourself. Be your authentic self. Your partner is polyamorous, and polysexual as well. He is fine with casual sex with lots of people, even though he loves you most. He enjoys the variety.

It is true that humans have a history of promiscuity. Monogamy, and polygyny, one man having several female partners, are imposed social and economic constructs which aim to control the sexuality of women, in order for men to assure themselves of the biological parentage of the children his woman (or women) have. Women, however, have always been expected to keep loyal to one man. It's in the Bible!

However, modern polyamory is a female driven movement. For the first time in millennia, women are demanding the right to have multiple sex/love partners, simultaneously, if they want. Polyamory is more feminist than even swinging.

But, on the other hand, living ethically poly does take extra time. You said, you had to miss work, etc., when your bf and that other guy needed you. You felt you were also neglecting platonic friends and other things in your life. You have priorities, and being poly doesn't work for you. And that is fine!

You might want children. And you fear a poly papa might not be around enough for you when you're vulnerable, pregnant or taking care of infants and toddlers. That is very understandable too. Many couples who start out poly, and want kids, do take a break from poly dating for a while, or at least limit their partners to those they've already established comfortable relationships with. (These "extra" partners might even get involved in the childcare sometimes.)

By the way, in poly, we can't impose "rules" on each other. We can make requests. It's better if the requests are reasonable and easily negotiable, and can be revised if they become obsolete. Your "rules"/requests didn't seem so confining. You could even have added one: use condoms. If you and he had become fluid bonded, once you learned about all his other sex partners, you could keep using condoms. Some people who are poly can be fluid bonded with one another, if they completely trust each other to use condoms religiously with others. In your case, with him having so many sex partners, and going to Berlin sex parties (ooh la la, those Berlin folks do party hearty), you would want to use condoms with him.

Of course, if you felt stretched thin with more than one partner, you could stay mono, while bf is poly. Maybe he would learn to stop hurting you by cheating on your agreements (those "rules"). But maybe not. Maybe he is very independent and isn't ready for a primary partner. His words seem nice. But, my dear, his actions speak louder.

We can love someone, and be initially attracted to them. It can feel like love. But true love comes with time, and with trust. Infatuation (new relationship energy) can lead some poly people to want to be mono for a while, but it doesn't last.
 
Thank you so much for all the responses, and for rewriting my text…

They all gave me lots to think about.

I know for now that I don’t want to break up with him even if my brain tells me it could be a smart thing to do…
I know I am special for my partner, he says he would never leave me (I don’t know how one can promise that) and that he would even want to get married one day (I somehow don’t - why promise something?) but I think my ego and idealistic view on the world is broken a bit here… maybe , not enough’ thing too... One thing for sure, we are giving each other different types of love…

If it comes to poly saturation – this is so true. He has couple good friends and his lovers. He works form home and has lots of spare time. I am super social creature being busy with all the crazy things I want to do. I need to give more to people and meting them in a lover way puts more pressure on me, not taking it off.

For him sex is super important. He told me that he cant imagine that he would have sex only with one person till the end of his life. For me its not really something I think about.

If it comes to our agreements, I didn’t mention condoms as it was first and obvious. But I also remembered one, while NRE being mentioned. He said if there would be at least a small feeling towards somebody else we nip it in the bud. I asked many times what he actually wants from this other relationship and I still didn’t get a clear answer. It is a bit confusing for me.

I learn about poly from books or articles but the only real life example I have is from him, and it is the way which works for him not for me.

I have read given articles, and they are smart.Thank you ! But I don’t want to stay mono while being in open relationship. In all previous relationships, my boyfriends were very controlling. Jealous for a small flirt. I admire human beauty and great peoples energy. When younger I had thoughts and wondered why having two boyfriends is impossible and I have to choose. I fancied couple people at the same time. I love to be in love too. I enjoy flirt and I am popular. I just need to find a way which works for me and I don’t know how. This one experience I had overwhelmed me, and I am focusing too much on my partner... don’t know how to change that.

So far all my decisions end up saying to myself “ ill just wait and see what happens…”
 
Marmelade said:
Thank you so much for all the responses, and for rewriting my text. They all gave me lots to think about.

I know for now that I don’t want to break up with him, even if my brain tells me it would be a smart thing to do.

I know I am special for my partner. He says he would never leave me (but I don’t know how one can promise that), and that he would even want to get married one day (I somehow don’t - why promise something?), but I think my ego and idealistic view of the world is broken a bit here. Maybe the "not enough" thing too. One thing is for sure, we are giving each other different types of love.

As far as poly saturation, this is so true. He has a couple good friends and his lovers. He works from home and has lots of spare time. I am a super social creature, busy with all the crazy things I want to do. I need to give more to people, and meeting them in a lover way puts more pressure on me. It does not take it off.

For him, sex is super important. He told me that he can't imagine that he would only have sex with one person till the end of his life. For me, it's not really something I think about.
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It's OK to want variety in sex partners. But it can be a problem with deep roots, if it's too extreme. There is such a thing as NRE addiction or sex addiction, if this behavior comes to control your life and make you lose jobs, good friends, and fail to meet commitments and responsibilities. It's something to think about. Maybe not a red flag, but a pink flag.

Also, his promises of lifelong devotion and marriage could just be mere words meant to keep you on the line. Be careful. Narcissists can be very charming and say all the right things.

When it comes to our agreements, I didn’t mention condoms, as it was first and obvious.

But I also remembered one, while NRE was being mentioned. He said if there would be at least a small feeling towards somebody else, we would nip it in the bud.
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Full stop! That is not polyamory at all, then. He is just talking about being polysexual, and having a full relationship with you, with fuck buddies on the side. Are you OK with this type of lifestyle in a partner? It's up to you to decide if you want to be with a man like this.

I asked many times what he actually wants from these other relationships, and I still didn’t get a clear answer. It is a bit confusing for me.
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Narcissists can use a "word salad" where they seem to string together words that don't make sense. You can find yourself in long weird conversations, trying to explain basic concepts that any child would understand, and not getting anywhere. It's very frustrating (I've BTDT, with a former poly partner, not my ex husband).

I learn about poly from books or articles, but the only real life example I have is from him, and it is the way which works for him, not for me.

I have read the given articles, and they are smart.Thank you! But I don’t want to stay mono while being in open relationship.

In all my previous relationships, my boyfriends were very controlling, jealous of a small flirtation. I admire human beauty and great people's energy.

When younger I had thoughts and wondered why having two boyfriends was impossible and I had to choose. I fancied a couple people at the same time. I love to be in love too. I enjoy flirting, and I am popular.

I just need to find a way which works for me, and I don’t know how. This one experience I had overwhelmed me. I am focusing too much on my partner. I don’t know how to change that.

So far, for all my decisions, I end up saying to myself, "I'll just wait and see what happens…”
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Sure. You take your time. You're confused. Just hold true to yourself. You need to figure out if you have it in you to handle more than one loving relationship, or just want to keep being able to flirt, or doing poly, maybe not with this guy, but with some other more ethical, more trustworthy people.
 
Thank you for more info.

If it comes to our agreements, I didn’t mention condoms as it was first and obvious. But I also remembered one, while NRE being mentioned. He said if there would be at least a small feeling towards somebody else we nip it in the bud. I asked many times what he actually wants from this other relationship and I still didn’t get a clear answer. It is a bit confusing for me.
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Is it that he doesn't want YOU forming a loving connections to someone else and then not being as available to him?

I learn about poly from books or articles but the only real life example I have is from him, and it is the way which works for him not for me.
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Sounds like you might be for for poly that could work for you. What would that look like?

Galagirl
 
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