On the topic of inevitable attraction between 2 friends that are each other's preferred gender/sex:
I am straight, and the friend I'm talking about is straight.
I like the Legos analogy when it comes to relationships - building a relationship together with the blocks you want, and leaving out the ones you don't, and making your own personalized structure (if you've listened to koe creation before you may have heard this before).
I am not familiar with this "koe." But "leaving out blocks" of expected relationship levels seems to relate to choosing your place on the "relationship escalator."
I think there are many forms of intimacy, and you can experience many forms of intimacy, with or without sexual intimacy being present. The whole idea that two available straight people of the opposite gender can't possibly just remain friends doesn't seem to have held true in my life.
I didn't mean to imply that. I just meant, in the particular case of you and your male platonic friend, you two just spend so MUCH time together, much of it in very close physical proximity, touching, cuddling, sharing small sleeping quarters while camping, etc..
As a non-binary woman with a raging sex drive, I would find this very difficult to do, if my friend was attractive, (ie, not a jerk, not smelly, etc.), without at least occasionally getting turned on. That's just me, but I do not think I am alone, especially among people who have high testosterone levels, or a higher than normal sensitivity to that hormone (me).
I'd be rather disappointed if I found out that all the exes I've remained friends with, and the single men I'm close with, were all lying to me about being satisfied with our current non-sexual friendships. Again this might be an innocent outlook...
You could call it lying, or you could call it being polite and discreet, I guess. My ex husband "lied" to me for decades about his physical response to every attractive woman he saw, anywhere, at any time. He finally admitted to imagining every single one of them naked and in his arms, being explored, after he'd spent years pretending this wasn't the case. Even though I was the same way, he was trying to "set an example" of fidelity for me. Ugh!
No, I don't mean that all your men friends want to have a relationship with you. Men aren't crazy about "relationships," haha. But they have probably imaging boning you. Let's be real.
I really do think it's possible for people to be genuinely appreciative of non-sexual relationships, without inevitably desiring sex, even when the appearances and sexual orientations of the individuals don't prevent the potential of mutually sexual feelings.
I guess it's possible for some people, who aren't whores like me. lol
I have a standard for my own relationships: I want them to be intentional and not entirely subject to biological tendencies or outside influences. Acknowledging that we have choices no matter the circumstance is very important to me. What's considered "natural," according to the pre-mono-normative history of humans, or human biology, or modern social/cultural norms, just isn't important to me.
You don't think natural history and biology are important. OK.
I honestly wish you good luck with that!
On labels:
Yeah, I see the potential conflict with FWB, and assumptions that come with that. Some very good points have been made about labels that I hadn't considered in-depth.
I do really like putting emphasis on friends, particularly best friends, because it implies that the friendship is very important to you... I think you can have multiple best friends...
I'm still working on forming a language that describes my relationships to people outside of the relationship. Within the relationships I have, or have had, lately, we know that we're on the same page about what we are, and so do our other partners, titles aside. I'm still trying to find the right words for describing relationships to other people, even other poly people, that accurately sum up the arrangement.
You've probably heard the term metamour, the partner of your partner, who you may or may not know or be friends with. Otherwise, I don't know to whom you are referring. Otherwise, what is wrong with just "friends"?
Casual sex vs friends vs relationships:
The idea of sex without friendship is pretty easy for me to grasp. I've had a good bit of very fulfilling and sexually intimate connections that were one night or similarly short lived without a friendship-type relationship forming. no problems there.
I guess some people can do this. And it seems to be encouraged for men in particular. Personally, I hate one night stands. All that work of flirting and arranging a meeting time and checking to see if they're safe, non-violent, not stalker material, willing to use condoms, etc., etc. Only to lather rinse repeat all over again? I have rarely just taken someone home for sex the same night we met. I guess I did it a time or two in my freshman year of college. And I know I ran a big risk. And I did end up getting hurt one way or another... Sometimes even physically.
I have a really hard time finding a natural line that divides platonic from non-platonic, or friendship from bf/gf/SO/partner. The lines seem kind of arbitrary, as some people have sex + friendship but avoid falling in love, while some people are asexual and in love, and other people don't describe their romantic/sexual partners as distinctly different from friendships.
Some people try to avoid falling in love (eg: swingers). Some people are incapable of love, or only do it once or twice in a lifetime. Swingers often avoid love, but fall in it anyway, much to the horror and upset of all involved. So many swingers come here to this forum, in the morass of poly hell, when this has happened to them and they aren't prepared for the mess.
I really do relate with the concept of relationship anarchy but I'm still navigating all the subtle differences between RA, free agent poly, egalitarian poly, ethical sluthood, ethical non-monogamy and so on. I don't really like to prescribe specific intentions, structures, or feelings to my relationships but I do like being able to describe what they are. and I like describing my general relationship style.
