Hello beautiful people,
i'm new here and i hope im acting correctly, please feel free to moderate my post in case im not following rules.
i'm reaching out for help to deal with the potentially immense struggle i see coming.
I'm an almost 35 years old lesbian who has been on a pretty long journey since i came out to myself at 14.
I have been in 10, very enriching, and yet excruciating monogamous relationships, before landing in my current 4+ years partnership, which has been based from day 1 on the two pillars of honesty and freedom.
Along with a great deal of respect for each other personal space, this also meant to always being able to express our desires and progressively getting better in acting and reacting on to them.
In practice this translated in being able to have occasional smaller things on the side, from kissing people at parties, to healing time with an ex (that was me in the beginning), a summer lover, or one night stands.
We always prouded ourselves for our bullet proof communication, the one golden thing that took us to this day, to be healthy and happy together.
Both she and i believe that in order to truly take on a long term partnership (potentially a lifetime together) it is necessary to allow each other grow also through and with other people and experiences, as it’s limiting and just impossible to consistently be everything to a person for 10, 20, 30, 40 years in a row. Life is much richer and our union would become a dead-bed if it would be always only the 2 of us.
On the other hand, progressively, we learnt that “freedom” doesnt mean to do whatever you want anytime you want, and that even in the most loving, caring and undestanding of unions, bitter and sweet balance each other all the time. Nothing is ever perfect and it’s ok to embrace imperfection.
I’ve always been the one pushing for exploration not only as an open couple but even adventuring in the polyamory mindset. This comes from an inner place where i recognize that i endure a dear, genuine affection and attraction for my partner and that she gives me the joy and stability that eventually translates in the so-longed shape of happiness, something that i couldn’t ever have. But at the same time realizing that all those other failures of my past had something that i lack in our union, that crazy passion that is typical of the unbalanced love, of the dominance based raw, irrational attraction.
Basically, i can’t picture myself not being able to fall in love again, it’s the salt of life! On the other hand, i have a deep need of a family, without replicating the tragic boomer’s model of house-car-dog-2-kids-loan-retirement-grave thing. It seems that with her the combination of my 2 deep wishes can, if not be realized perfectly, somehow take the form of a life-long laboratory.
She shares this idea of constant growth together, and slowly became acquainted with my free spirit, liberating herself along the line of letting me free.
In the past 6 month we entered the “next level”, the one where we're developing feelings for other people.
It started with me moving away for 2 years pursuing a personal long time desire for a master degree in design, while she stayed in “our” city. This didn't come without sorrow: she wants to have a child and this year she had to accept that 1. i can be there as her partner but i don't want to be a parent and 2. i was gonna leave in the time-frame she was thinking about getting pregnant. Eventually she post-poned her maternity wishes and now she wants to do a master degree herself.
Plus, in october, i started dating a girl in the new town i’m in, quickly developing what i thought was a mutual feeling of falling in love with each other.
This led to complications with my gf, who was very sad and insecure. She eventually started being on dating apps and hooking up more frequently with strangers, going to sex parties. On my end, I was very caught by this new feeling and started communicating that i was not sure about how things would go, that i needed time. At times, i felt I found “the one”. Things edged when i asked my gf to call each other "lovers and friends" while i wasn’t sure where my other feeling was going. Soon enough I was completely crushed by realizing that things with this new person were far from perfect, and things came to an abrupt end a month ago.
With my partner, we re-established our “partners” keyword without any resentment, but in the meantime, she also developed a mutual crush with someone new. This person is a sort of celebrity in the art scene, and my partner feels starstruck. They only met through the internet, and because of the corona virus, they will have to wait until they can finally meet in person. From what i understood, this mutual attraction is becoming a sort of fire. They talk and sext everyday, and it’s hard for my girlfriend to keep her feet on the ground.
And i am.. terrified. I have been overwhelmed with jealousy. Im controlling it, but how will i do when things will get real, maybe not with this one, but the next lover? My shapeshifting, moody, ups and downs personality brings a lot of rollercoasters to her but ultimately it’s always fragile, superficial things. I’m like those dogs that make a lot of mess but never really bite deep.
She’s more stable, balanced. It's visible through our different friends-scape. Shes has close, long term friends, while i have a somehow scattered, crowded amount of interchangeable people, due to my restless travelling (sad, i know).
And i’m afraid that ultimately on the long run she will be the one able to sustain a polyamorous constellation and that i will have to suck it up and accept that shes capable of branching out while i would always have fragile connections except her. I'm afraid i will lose at my own game, something that would be soooo me
Ultimately, if this scenario happens, i'm not sure i will be strong enough to accept the constant unbalance.
Therefore I'm already hungry for books insight, tip, practices, hard truths relatable to my situation. All would be very very appreciated. I don't want to lose her, but im not sure i will be capable of outgrowing myself.
With much appreciation for this community,
boi
i'm new here and i hope im acting correctly, please feel free to moderate my post in case im not following rules.
i'm reaching out for help to deal with the potentially immense struggle i see coming.
I'm an almost 35 years old lesbian who has been on a pretty long journey since i came out to myself at 14.
I have been in 10, very enriching, and yet excruciating monogamous relationships, before landing in my current 4+ years partnership, which has been based from day 1 on the two pillars of honesty and freedom.
Along with a great deal of respect for each other personal space, this also meant to always being able to express our desires and progressively getting better in acting and reacting on to them.
In practice this translated in being able to have occasional smaller things on the side, from kissing people at parties, to healing time with an ex (that was me in the beginning), a summer lover, or one night stands.
We always prouded ourselves for our bullet proof communication, the one golden thing that took us to this day, to be healthy and happy together.
Both she and i believe that in order to truly take on a long term partnership (potentially a lifetime together) it is necessary to allow each other grow also through and with other people and experiences, as it’s limiting and just impossible to consistently be everything to a person for 10, 20, 30, 40 years in a row. Life is much richer and our union would become a dead-bed if it would be always only the 2 of us.
On the other hand, progressively, we learnt that “freedom” doesnt mean to do whatever you want anytime you want, and that even in the most loving, caring and undestanding of unions, bitter and sweet balance each other all the time. Nothing is ever perfect and it’s ok to embrace imperfection.
I’ve always been the one pushing for exploration not only as an open couple but even adventuring in the polyamory mindset. This comes from an inner place where i recognize that i endure a dear, genuine affection and attraction for my partner and that she gives me the joy and stability that eventually translates in the so-longed shape of happiness, something that i couldn’t ever have. But at the same time realizing that all those other failures of my past had something that i lack in our union, that crazy passion that is typical of the unbalanced love, of the dominance based raw, irrational attraction.
Basically, i can’t picture myself not being able to fall in love again, it’s the salt of life! On the other hand, i have a deep need of a family, without replicating the tragic boomer’s model of house-car-dog-2-kids-loan-retirement-grave thing. It seems that with her the combination of my 2 deep wishes can, if not be realized perfectly, somehow take the form of a life-long laboratory.
She shares this idea of constant growth together, and slowly became acquainted with my free spirit, liberating herself along the line of letting me free.
In the past 6 month we entered the “next level”, the one where we're developing feelings for other people.
It started with me moving away for 2 years pursuing a personal long time desire for a master degree in design, while she stayed in “our” city. This didn't come without sorrow: she wants to have a child and this year she had to accept that 1. i can be there as her partner but i don't want to be a parent and 2. i was gonna leave in the time-frame she was thinking about getting pregnant. Eventually she post-poned her maternity wishes and now she wants to do a master degree herself.
Plus, in october, i started dating a girl in the new town i’m in, quickly developing what i thought was a mutual feeling of falling in love with each other.
This led to complications with my gf, who was very sad and insecure. She eventually started being on dating apps and hooking up more frequently with strangers, going to sex parties. On my end, I was very caught by this new feeling and started communicating that i was not sure about how things would go, that i needed time. At times, i felt I found “the one”. Things edged when i asked my gf to call each other "lovers and friends" while i wasn’t sure where my other feeling was going. Soon enough I was completely crushed by realizing that things with this new person were far from perfect, and things came to an abrupt end a month ago.
With my partner, we re-established our “partners” keyword without any resentment, but in the meantime, she also developed a mutual crush with someone new. This person is a sort of celebrity in the art scene, and my partner feels starstruck. They only met through the internet, and because of the corona virus, they will have to wait until they can finally meet in person. From what i understood, this mutual attraction is becoming a sort of fire. They talk and sext everyday, and it’s hard for my girlfriend to keep her feet on the ground.
And i am.. terrified. I have been overwhelmed with jealousy. Im controlling it, but how will i do when things will get real, maybe not with this one, but the next lover? My shapeshifting, moody, ups and downs personality brings a lot of rollercoasters to her but ultimately it’s always fragile, superficial things. I’m like those dogs that make a lot of mess but never really bite deep.
She’s more stable, balanced. It's visible through our different friends-scape. Shes has close, long term friends, while i have a somehow scattered, crowded amount of interchangeable people, due to my restless travelling (sad, i know).
And i’m afraid that ultimately on the long run she will be the one able to sustain a polyamorous constellation and that i will have to suck it up and accept that shes capable of branching out while i would always have fragile connections except her. I'm afraid i will lose at my own game, something that would be soooo me
Ultimately, if this scenario happens, i'm not sure i will be strong enough to accept the constant unbalance.
Therefore I'm already hungry for books insight, tip, practices, hard truths relatable to my situation. All would be very very appreciated. I don't want to lose her, but im not sure i will be capable of outgrowing myself.
With much appreciation for this community,
boi
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