Co-dependency and heart ache

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
They are rules around how he dates. He has to constantly update you on how he feels about other people and what he thinks might happen with them. That's really heavy!

I dont think the mistakes he made were all that huge because I strongly believe that people will not be honest if they feel they will be reprimanded for how they feel. How do you receive bad news? If there were going to be tears tantrums and turmoil every time I heard something that doesn't suit me, I wouldn't be surprised if people started to keep things from me. There is a responsibility on us to handle bad news in a way that doesn't.... scare people.

Whenever I hear "but they agreed to it", I always think about the conditions the person agreed. Were they coerced and badgered and emotionally blackmailed, or did they have the freedom to express their views and opinions without fear?

Theres a big difference between:
"

And


The latter is coercive and negates consent. I'd go as far as to say it isn't an agreement. It's oppression.

I'd advise you to focus on this as an incompatibility and get any thought that this is something he owes you out of your mind.
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I'm curious what about being kept up to date on how other relationships are processing is "controlling" the dating process? To me there's a difference between "you must tell me before sex because I'm primary and you have to" and "I struggle with not knowing about things that could impact me so for me to do poly, I need to know before/shortly after you have sex for the first time with someone new." OP has anxiety and past trauma. It isn't unreasonable to want to know when her partner is getting serious in another relationship to be able to prepare for NRE and all that comes with it. It also isn't difficult. How is it heavy to say "I've been chatting more with Minnie Mouse and we are going to be dating now not just friends. Because pandemic, we will keep it online for now, including sex." Then later on "I really love and would like to meet Minnie Mouse in person. Let's talk about risk."? That seems pretty simple to me. Keeps op up to date with progression without being overly detailed.

I totally agree with you that presentation/phrasing/intent means a ton here, but I'm not seeing where op steamrolled her partner into anything. She's mono and doing a bunch of emotional labor to try to make a poly relationship work. Huckleberry just heaped more on by lying/disregarding agreements. That isn't supportive partner behavior. That's cheater behavior.

To be fair, lying is a HUUUUUUGE issue for me. I don't approve, even for normal reasons like surprise parties and gifts and stuff. It just bothers me.
 
I've actually written a post on my blog that might give you a bit more insight onto my views on this.

IME, that need to "just know what's generally going on" is never alone. It always comes paired with a certain degree of "because some of what you might do or want to do might violate my expectation of us being primary".

For me, my relationships rarely progress in a linear fashion so constantly trying to predict the moment that we turned from friends to partners would just be too intense for me. Especially as if I felt I predicted wrong, I'd feel as if I betrayed my partner and broken the agreement I made with them and I've moved past a point where I can tolerate feeling like that over something as personal as when a budding relationship progressed to an established relationship. It would feel intrusive to me because I'm not always totally forthcoming with my actual (potential) partners about that. If I fall really hard for someone early on, I don't tell them that! I play it somewhat cool!

I think the best way to go into polyamory is to accept that love and sex with other people is a constant. I think it is much more ethical to stall around opening your relationships then to need to control how people interact once you're open. But if, like in this case, the wannabe poly person is basically saying I need this now and I cannot wait around on the off chance you might be able to accept it one day, that option is off of the table.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I've actually written a post on my blog that might give you a bit more insight onto my views on this.

IME, that need to "just know what's generally going on" is never alone. It always comes paired with a certain degree of "because some of what you might do or want to do might violate my expectation of us being primary".

For me, my relationships rarely progress in a linear fashion so constantly trying to predict the moment that we turned from friends to partners would just be too intense for me. Especially as if I felt I predicted wrong, I'd feel as if I betrayed my partner and broken the agreement I made with them and I've moved past a point where I can tolerate feeling like that over something as personal as when a budding relationship progressed to an established relationship. It would feel intrusive to me because I'm not always totally forthcoming with my actual (potential) partners about that. If I fall really hard for someone early on, I don't tell them that! I play it somewhat cool!

I think the best way to go into polyamory is to accept that love and sex with other people is a constant. I think it is much more ethical to stall around opening your relationships then to need to control how people interact once you're open. But if, like in this case, the wannabe poly person is basically saying I need this now and I cannot wait around on the off chance you might be able to accept it one day, that option is off of the table.
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Gotcha. My issue with that in this particular case is that op is NOT poly. She has agreed to a poly model for her partner so it isn't quite the same as fully open (on all sides) relationship. There's nothing intently wrong with heirarchy as long as everyone involved is good with it.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
I'm curious what about being kept up to date on how other relationships are processing is "controlling" the dating process? To me there's a difference between "you must tell me before sex because I'm primary and you have to" and "I struggle with not knowing about things that could impact me so for me to do poly, I need to know before/shortly after you have sex for the first time with someone new." OP has anxiety and past trauma. It isn't unreasonable to want to know when her partner is getting serious in another relationship to be able to prepare for NRE and all that comes with it. It also isn't difficult. How is it heavy to say "I've been chatting more with Minnie Mouse and we are going to be dating now not just friends. Because pandemic, we will keep it online for now, including sex." Then later on "I really love and would like to meet Minnie Mouse in person. Let's talk about risk."? That seems pretty simple to me. Keeps op up to date with progression without being overly detailed.

I totally agree with you that presentation/phrasing/intent means a ton here, but I'm not seeing where op steamrolled her partner into anything. She's mono and doing a bunch of emotional labor to try to make a poly relationship work. Huckleberry just heaped more on by lying/disregarding agreements. That isn't supportive partner behavior. That's cheater behavior.

To be fair, lying is a HUUUUUUGE issue for me. I don't approve, even for normal reasons like surprise parties and gifts and stuff. It just bothers me.
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for what its worth, this resonates with me more than the other responses do.

if a small agreement cant be kept or renegotiated, or the one party feels like they have to fudge the truth to preserve the feelings of the other, thats understandable, but its just as poorly done as being the person who doesn't set a hard limit because they dont want to be controlling or because they have codependent tendencies that cause them to put others happiness first.

and agreement is an agreement, and they can always be discussed, but if they have been agreed on, and not changed, then a white lie to try to avoid a poor reaction from the other is still not honest. i understand the intent, and its often well intended, but perhaps its worse to try to protect the person when they just want to be informed and not gaslighted. while the truth may hurt for both sides, a lie is almost always worse.
 
Hello everyone, just wanted to post a bit of an update. Huckleberry and I have had some in depth conversations over the weekend. We have both expressed how much we love each other and don't want to breakup but also that we don't know if we can meet each others needs and move forward in a healthy way right now.

With me just beginning on my co-dependency road of going to meetings, more intensive counseling, introspective work, unfortunately I don't feel confident in really knowing what I need or what I'm capable of giving my partner.

So as of today I have asked for a trial separation/no contact for at least a month. This way we can both get time and space away from the others pain, choices, moods, actions, etc. We can both do our own work around what our ideal future looks like for ourselves and what we're willing/able to give to this relationship, if anything.

I love him deeply and I want to give him everything he needs, but I have to be honest with myself that I need to start really figuring myself out first. I can't be a good partner if I'm not in a healthy place. I know he loves me deeply as well but I also know his needs around Poly have changed. Those needs have grown and become bigger and that's okay, things change, people change and we both deserve to do what makes us happy.

He seems open to the trial separation but I'm giving him time and space to process. I am hoping after our break we will both have clearer ideas about if we want to continue in a romantic relationship together or if we would like to continue with the break up and separate out our lives.

I will be doing self care, going to meetings and focusing on my stuff and what I can control (my actions, processing my feelings, figuring out my core needs and values) and letting go of the things I have no control over. I will be trying to come from a place of love and understanding towards my partner, whatever he decides. I am grateful for our relationship and even if it ends I have learned a lot, loved a lot, been loved a lot and have so many joyful and happy memories to take with me.

If anyone has any feedback or advice I welcome it. I am working on surrendering my fear and instead give myself grace and reassurance that no matter what happens, I will be okay eventually.

Thanks all for your previous feedback, here's to taking it one day at a time! :)
 
Thanks for the update.

I have asked for a trial separation/no contact for at least a month. This way we can both get time and space away from the others pain, choices, moods, actions, etc. We can both do our own work around what our ideal future looks like for ourselves and what we're willing/able to give to this relationship, if anything.
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I am hoping after our break we will both have clearer ideas about if we want to continue in a romantic relationship together or if we would like to continue with the break up and separate out our lives.
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A trial separation to clear heads and gain clarity so you can decide whether to part ways or try again seems sensible. Gives you both some time and space to work on yourselves.

If anyone has any feedback or advice I welcome it. I am working on surrendering my fear and instead give myself grace and reassurance that no matter what happens, I will be okay eventually.
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I think you will be.

GL!
Galagirl
 
You don't seem confused at all anymore. So happy to see you listening and learning and making some good changes. You sound healthy and you're on a good path. :)
 
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