Sad unicorn, not sure if I should do anything

[Rottngrl]

Hi, new to the forum, and new to all this. I've never had any meaningful relationships, and find I get bored of people easy. I wish I really read up on this a few years ago, so maybe things would have played out differently if I had realized what I was getting into could never work. I didn't understand how this couple's open relationship works for them all these years, but who was I to judge, after all I'm an aquariun. Pretty open minded to sex and relationships.

So I ended up the unicorn in this couple's relationship. Call him "Blue" and her "Pink". I only knew Blue through a friend and never really knew Pink before all this. I really didn't think much going i to this, it was basically casual threesomes once in a while. I thought it was great, all the fun and none of the relationship work. After a year or so, I really grew to love them both, and we talked about being a poly throuple/triad? But it never went past that and they went on with their unicorn hunting, having threesomes with other women, but always came back to me on and off over the 3 years. Pink always the one to engage, and Pink always calling the shots. We would have our one on ones but only if Pink approved, but usually encouraged it, I never asked. I care for them both and honestly had respect for her that I never allowed anything to happen with Blue if she wasn't aware. In hindsight I now see how this all was destined to go off the rails. In the beginning Pink was just Blue's gf, but over the 3 years I really do care about her, but its Blue that I really have an amazing connection with. Pink sees it, knows it. I told her I love him, but don't want anything more than what we have. All 3 of us, together. So I'm sure this is where Pink's insecurities come from.

So Blue and Pink have been having problems over the past year and I backed off after Pink trying to drag me into it. Their problems were more about finances, addiction and them growing apart. They were on the outs and then Pink came down with cancer and Blue knew he couldn't leave her now. Blue is in for the long haul, supportive to her and being the good bf of over 10 years.

Recently had a threesome Pink engaged me into a few weeks back, to my surprise. I was told by a friend that they have been getting along great, they been closer than ever, so it appears. Then recently after a night of partying Blue found me sleeping in the spare room after I not being able to sleep in the trailer, Blue also looking for a place to sleep (not sure who was with them in their bed) and by chance found me and climbed in. So Pink finds us, and is mad although hasnt said anything to me, but I know they are fighting. I'm thinking, really after 3 years, Pink still needs to control and have the final say? I feel like she's overreacting, and maybe I should reach out to her to fix it? Honestly I feel like me and Blue need to tie her up and teach her its OK to not always be in control. Jokes aside, I think this fight is bigger than me, and maybe should just let them hash it out. Did I do anything wrong? I have tried to keep things open and honest and now I kind of feel like the one that was used and will be blamed. What if friends and family find out, I feel like i could lose a lot of my better friends.

So in retrospect, she shared with me when they were on the outs that she doesnt really like sharing Blue with other women, and i asked then why do you do it? Because its always been that way. Pink only does it thinking it will keep Blue happy.

I am so sad because its all gone to shits. I was happy the way it was, and she is self sabatoging it where everyone loses.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Rottngrl,

It sounds like Pink is only sharing Blue to make him happy, while Blue is only staying with Pink because she has cancer. Neither of these things are your fault, these are things that lie between Pink and Blue. You were wise to back off the first time, maybe it is time to do that again. I don't think you did anything wrong, it was Blue who decided to climb into bed with you, you did not decide for him to do that. Pink really needs to let go of some of the control over the situation, but maybe controlling everything is the only way she can stand to share Blue? In any case, these are matters between Pink and Blue, and your best move, probably, is to just back off and let them hash it out. Maybe you even want to give some thought to whether this is a healthy relationship for you. You do not seem to have many rights in this relationship, you can only be with Blue when Pink says you can. And even then, Pink isn't really happy with the situation. Is this something you want to be involved with?

Keep us posted as your situation evolves. We'll try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum, and new to all this. I've never had any meaningful relationships, and find I get bored with people easily. I wish I had really read up on this a few years ago. Maybe things would have played out differently if I had realized that what I was getting into could never work.

I didn't understand how this couple's open relationship worked for them all these years, but who was I to judge? After all, I'm an Aquarian, and pretty open minded to sex and relationships. I ended up the unicorn in a couple's relationship. Let's call him "Blue" and her "Pink." I knew Blue through a friend, but never really knew Pink before all this.

I really didn't think much going into this. It was basically casual threesomes once in a while. I thought it was great- all the fun and none of the relationship work. However, after a year or so, I really grew to love them both, and we talked about being a poly triad. But it never went past that, and they went on with their unicorn hunting, having threesomes with other women, and always coming back to me on and off, over the 3 years.

It's interesting you say you grow bored with people easily, but fell in love with Blue and sustained a 3 year relationship. Maybe you mean, before him, you'd grow bored. He was something special. And Pink was pretty good... for a while...

Pink was always the one to engage, and always called the shots. We would have our one-on-ones, but only if Pink approved. But she usually encouraged it. I never asked. I cared for them both and I honestly had enough respect for her that I never allowed anything to happen with Blue if she wasn't aware.

In hindsight, I now see how this all was destined to go off the rails. In the beginning Pink was just Blue's gf. Over the 3 years I did care about her, but it's Blue that I really have an amazing connection with. Pink sees it, and knows it. I told her I love him, but don't want anything more than what we have, all 3 of us, together. I'm sure this is where Pink's insecurities come from.

Classic couple's privilege. And classic unicorn, staying in your lane.

Blue and Pink have been having problems over the past year, and I backed off after Pink tried to drag me into it. Their problems were more about finances, addiction, and them growing apart. They were on the outs. And then Pink came down with cancer, and Blue knew he couldn't leave her. Blue is in for the long haul, is supportive to her, and has been a good bf for over 10 years.

Recently, we had a threesome. Pink engaged me into it a few weeks back, to my surprise. I was told by a friend that they have been getting along great, been closer than ever, and so it appeared.

Recently, after a night of partying, Blue found me sleeping in the spare room after I was not able to sleep in the trailer. Blue was also looking for a place to sleep. (I'm not sure who else was with them in their bed.) By chance, he found me in this bed and climbed in.

Pink found us, and got mad. Although she hasn't said anything to me, I know they are fighting. I'm thinking, really? After 3 years, Pink still needs to be in control and have the final say? I feel like she's overreacting. Maybe I should reach out to her to fix it?

It must feel terrible to be in a situation where a third party is making decisions for your dyad with Blue. Maybe you're fed up.

(I think Blue and I need to tie her up and teach her it's OK to not always be in control.)

Joking aside, I think this fight is bigger than me, and maybe I should just let them hash it out. Did I do anything wrong? I have tried to keep things open and honest, but now I kind of feel like the one that was used and will be blamed.

The only wrong thing you did was stay in a powerless unicorn role for so long. If Blue wants more closeness with you, that is not something you need to ask Pink for. He needs to tell her what he wants. If you think it's worth trying, you could express your desires to Blue and see what happens.

What if friends and family find out? I feel like i could lose a lot of my better friends.

After 3 years, you're now worrying about social disapproval? Why now?

In retrospect, she shared with me, when they were on the outs, that she doesn't really like sharing Blue with other women, and I asked, "Then why do you do it?" She said, "Because its always been that way." Pink only does it thinking it will keep Blue happy.

I am so sad, because its all gone to shits. I was happy the way it was, and she is sabotaging it, to where everyone loses.

Some women who "swing" only do it to keep their husband. So any person they swing with is meant to be, more or less, a toy to keep hubby happy and keep the marriage from breaking up. If you feel used, you probably are.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I have trouble when things are not in order. I'm going to try to list it. I might get some wrong. You corrrect me, ok?

BACKGROUND

• Pink doesn't really like sharing Blue with other women. Pink only does it thinking it will keep Blue happy and that's how it's always been. (Though this was not revealed to you at the start.)

PAST

• You enter the picture 3 years ago around 2017. You knew Blue through a friend and didn't know Pink before this. It was basically casual sex threesomes once in a while. You thought it was fun for the first year or so -- fun sex, no relationship work.

• Now in 2018 ish, there was talk of becoming a triad, but it went nowhere. Instead they continued swinging (?) with other women and came back to sex threesomes with you on and off for another 1-2 ish years. You still agreed to this casual threesome thing even though it sounds like you started wanting a real relationship. (??)

• In that time you found you care about and love Pink but actually are "in love" with Blue. You told Pink this. You did/did not tell Blue this.

• In 2019, Blue and Pink are having problems about finances, addiction and them growing apart. You backed off. They were on the outs. (Does that mean you ended things with them?)
  

TODAY

• Recently in 2020 somewhere (?) Pink came down with cancer. Blue def won't leave her now. They are staying together. (Was he gonna leave her for you at some point? And now he's gone back from a sense of obligation?)
• Recently in 2020 somewhere, you had a new threesome with Pink and Blue again. Pink engaged you. You agreed to participate.
  
• Recently in 2020, after a night of partying, Blue found you sleeping in the spare room after you not being able to sleep in the trailer. So Blue got in to sleep with you there too. (Not sex. Or was there sex? )
  
• Pink got mad to discover this. So they are fighting between themselves over it but not telling you.

YOU

• You think she is overreacting and maybe you should reach out to her to fix it?
  
• You also this fight is bigger than you, and maybe should just let them hash it out.
  
• Did you do anything wrong?

I don't think you did anything wrong letting Blue share sleep space with you after all that partying. You are both adults who can decide where you want to sleep.

If there was sex? You are also both adults who can decide to share sex or not. It's on Blue if sharing sex with you break agreements with Pink. And it's on Blue if he did not make you aware of that ahead of time -- like he's cheating on agreements and making you his unknowing cheating accomplice. At the same time? It's on you if you didn't ask him if there's any agreements he has with other partners that affect you or anything sex health things that you need to know before sharing sex.

I do think you could tell both Pink and Blue you are done, and will leave them to sort out their problems. Stop going back there. If they are a mess and you keeping going back to that messy? That's on you.

I know you say "Pink engaged me" but you don't have to AGREE or say yes when these people hit you up for threesomes again if you aren't into it any more or if her cancer dx and their couple drama is becoming too weird for you.

Could just skip it and say "Thanks, but no."

I have tried to keep things open and honest and now I kind of feel like the one that was used and will be blamed.

What kind of relationship is it where you don't feel safe there? Why keep on participating?

It is possible they might try to blame you for their problems. But if you choose to get out and this time STAY OUT, it doesn't really matter what they say to each other about you or blame you for. You are gone. Nothing really to do with you.

You control your own behavior. You can keep being open and honest. YOU decide who you hang around with or not.

If they've become toxic for you? Stop hanging around there. Maybe that's what you could be more honest to yourself about.

What if friends and family find out, I feel like i could lose a lot of my better friends.

Are you not already "out" as a swinger or poly to people close to you after 3 years?

If not, and you don't like the idea of them hearing stories about you from Pink or Blue? Tell your closer friends yourself what happened with this break up and that you prefer they do nothing if they hear junk from Pink or Blue. And you prefer they comfort you instead.

You will find out who your real friends are.

I am so sad because its all gone to shits. I was happy the way it was, and she is self sabatoging it where everyone loses.

It's ok to be sad. No break ups are fun. It sounds like it's really over now. I think you could let it stay over. Refuse to get sucked back in.

The way it was? You were happy in the unknowing bubble for a short time for the first year of casual sex threesomes. From the sound of it, it doesn't sound like this couple was not actually happy, and now you see their whole picture. Pink didn't really have fun -- it was fake even back then in the first year with the casual sex threesomes with you Pink and Blue. So you cannot go back to the unknowing bubble.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you also weren't exactly happy in the bubble for long. Because you sounded bummed out that you weren't getting the triad/throuple offer coming through and you were participating in some sort of "Pink is the boss" hierarchy that you actually didn't like. So you were putting up with stuff that you didn't like (the hierarchy) and stuff that is not what you really want (casual threesome rather than triad) just to stick around in their orbit.

Just like Pink was also doing stuff she didn't really want to be doing. That's not a happy trio to me.

If Pink wasn't being honest before about doing stuff that she doesn't want to do just to keep Blue happy? And now that she's got cancer she wants to STOP doing fake stuff? I can't blame her. Cancer has a way of cutting through BS and a person doesn't want to deal in extra BS any more. She has bigger problems now.

Would it have been better all along if she'd been more honest with herself and others? Yes.

Now with cancer, is it better she trim extra BS from her life and stop doing casual threesomes just to keep Blue happy? Yes.

But you don't need Pink to become more honest in order for YOU to assess this situation for yourself. If it used to be fun and now it's a drag? Stop participating here even if invited in again. Keep things way simpler on you.

Pretty open minded to sex and relationships.

That is fine.

• I wish I really read up on this a few years ago, so maybe things would have played out differently if I had realized what I was getting into could never work.

• I really didn't think much going i to this

• Pink always the one to engage, and Pink always calling the shots. We would have our one on ones but only if Pink approved, but usually encouraged it, I never asked. I care for them both and honestly had respect for her that I never allowed anything to happen with Blue if she wasn't aware. In hindsight I now see how this all was destined to go off the rails.

This part maybe not fine. If you decide to continue to pursue open/poly relationships, could call it lesson learned. Could give a little more thought as to what YOU want in open/poly relationships. What you are and are not up for, and what you will and will not put up with.

You have the right to have a voice in the things that concern you. You don't have to just yield to what everyone else wants.

Galagirl

 

[Rottngrl]

Wow, you guys are really amazing. I didnt expect such great responses, and I want to reply to many of them because there are some great perspectives.

UPDATE!!

I finally heard back from Blue, as I was giving time for dust to settle. Maybe I jumped to the worst conclusions. I suspect they hashed it out but all is good. Ya Blue said Pink brought it up but he was like really its "Rottngrl", come on. So I think she has come around after all this time me being a good unicorn. I do think its time I have the conversation to level set the playground for myself. Seems long overdue, and yes not healthy.

I want to add that they are like my best friends. We are friends first, so whether we've acknowledged it, we are Poly. When I've backed off we were still friends, I just allowed them to deal with their issues. (I did break it off for a few months over an incident I felt ditched but we are way past that.) We have a lot of respect for each other. Its the best relationship I've ever had, and thats why I dont want to lose them.

 

[GalaGirl]

I've never had any meaningful relationships

I do think its time I have the conversation to level set the playground for myself. Seems long overdue, and yes not healthy.

Its the best relationship I've ever had, and thats why I dont want to lose them.

Your best relationship you ever had is one you know is an unhealthy one?

I guess I'm glad you see this isn't healthy like this.

I hope you do talk to them so things change if you are going to continue here as lovers. If things cannot be worked out? I hope that you stop being lovers if it's going to stay unhealthy.

You cannot keep being "a good little unicorn" if that means yielding to everything they want and not having a voice in your relationships. You are not a second class citizen. Glad you see that.

Galagirl

 

[Rottngrl]

Kevin T.

You do not seem to have many rights in this relationship, you can only be with Blue when Pink says you can. And even then, Pink isn't really happy with the situation. Is this something you want to be involved with?

Well its either me or randoms, and Blue's tired of the randoms too. Pink is bi and and wants a F that wants her. I do the funtime, pay attention to her, (unlike the randoms) but im hetero. I understand you can't help how you feel. We just need to talk about what we each want and address it.

GalaGirl

Your best relationship you ever had is one you know is an unhealthy one?

I can be 100% myself with them. Blue understands me better than anyone ever has. Communication has only had some moments with one or the other, so that needs work. I get what your saying but some things are worth working for. Its not fair to give up before trying to do things right. I stumbled to where I am, and just learning to navigate. I can usually walk away from things but im in too deep with Blue.

Magdlyn

The only wrong thing you did was stay in a powerless unicorn role for so long. If Blue wants more closeness with you, that is not something you need to ask Pink for. He needs to tell her what he wants. If you think it's worth trying, you could express your desires to Blue and see what happens.

I really didn't know any better. Blue and i have been talking more about what we want, and things need to be more fluid and organic. I want the freedom to explore with Blue. Will talk to him about how I want to move forward

 

[Rottngrl]

Hello Rottngrl,

Pink really needs to let go of some of the control over the situation, but maybe controlling everything is the only way she can stand to share Blue? In any case, these are matters between Pink and Blue, and your best move, probably, is to just back off and let them hash it out. Maybe you even want to give some thought to whether this is a healthy relationship for you. You do not seem to have many rights in this relationship, you can only be with Blue when Pink says you can. And even then, Pink isn't really happy with the situation. Is this something you want to be involved with?

Communication has been lacking, I've had some moments of it with each but not together since the original convo about being a poly triad. Pink is bi and wants a woman to want her, so i think thats why they kept swinging. I'm hetero but I pay her attention that randoms don't during funtime, and that's why they keep coming back to me. Its either me or randoms who don't pay her any attention. I know Blue is tired of the randoms, and Blue and I have been talking about what we want, so I will talk to him how to proceed with Pink. I think everyone can be happy if we talk about what we each want together and address it. Pink can't help how she feels, and I get that. We talked about ways to address it but it got put on backburner while they dealt with their issues.

Magdlyn

The only wrong thing you did was stay in a powerless unicorn role for so long. If Blue wants more closeness with you, that is not something you need to ask Pink for. He needs to tell her what he wants. If you think it's worth trying, you could express your desires to Blue and see what happens.

I never really knew any better, just figured this is how it goes, and never had a problem with the permission thing because Pink always said yes, she just wants to be aware. Controlling? Yes Or feeling like we aren't trying to hide anything? I think yes as well.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Rottngrl,

It sounds like Pink and Blue have worked out some of their recent differences, like maybe Pink isn't so upset anymore that Blue climbed into bed with you? If so, then that is great news, and I feel happy for you (all three). So what things remain to be worked out? Do you need to decide if you are going to become a triad? Maybe the three of you need to sit down and talk about that, and maybe talk about some other things as well. Whatever needs to be worked on. I encourage you to improve/increase your communication with them, both individually, and as a trio. Communication is one of the most important things in poly. It's how we get things done. So set a time, for the three of you to talk.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Rottngrl]

Hi Kevin T.

Yes, but there is so much and I dont want to dump it all on them. I plan to talk to Blue first, about Pink letting go of the permission rules. That's the biggest issue for me right now. Maybe thats the only thing I ask we address with Pink right now.

I know I dont want to partipate in external randoms. Blue has mentioned hes tired of the random threesomes. I dont think Pink is feeling the random threesomes with all the chemo ahead of her. I think we should focus on making the 3 of us work first. So I'd be asking them to go from an open to a closed relationship with just us 3. I think thats what we all want it seems, so it could fly.

So what about Pink's needs? I think she could use the extra love and support she needs right now. She's going to feel insecure at times. I dont think she will want to seek a new F lover at this point in her life. Will I be enough for Pink for the time being? I'm her best option until she's ready. I want more 1 on 1 with Blue, so how do I make her feel more included? She wants more intimacy with Blue. I dont know how to help them with that. I dont know if it can be. I can offer her fun in the bedroom either 1 on 1 with Pink and the 3 of us, but i can't offer her the kind of intimacy she wants.

So I think those are the main things that need to be dealt with, with Pink's needs being an open ended question to address.

Anything else?? Its funny that I seem to work through it as I'm typing this and edited it all back to a summary here. Sometimes you gotta draw things out to see how to get from A to B.


GalaGirl
Thanks for your objectiveness. I tried responding a few times and I dont know what happened to my reply. I do hear a lot of what you say, I need to see things from different perspectives so I dont miss something key. I'm only just becoming aware. I'm not walking away though. I feel this is worth working for. Just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean we shouldn't try. There's a lot more good here than you can see.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm not walking away though. I feel this is worth working for. Just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean we shouldn't try. There's a lot more good here than you can see.

That is your choice. I'll respect that.

Honesty seems to be lacking here all around.

If you are going to go through all the trouble of trying to work something out... how about going for something radically honest and authentic? Rather than trading one kind of wonky for another kind of wonky?

So I'd be asking them to go from an open to a closed relationship with just us 3. I think thats what we all want it seems, so it could fly.

To me it sounds like you and Blue want to date and have more 1 on 1 time on your side of the V without having to run it by Pink first.

Pink wants more intimate connection with Blue on her side of the V too.

To me is sounds like Pink wants an actual GF, not Blue's straight GF who will sometimes share sex with her.

So how about rather than suggesting a closed triad, maybe suggest changing to separate V? You deal with Blue on your side. Pink deals with Blue on the other side. And you are polite and friendly to Pink, but step back and let her deal with her life choices herself?

None of this stuff is your job to fix:

I'm hetero but I pay her attention that randoms don't during funtime, and that's why they keep coming back to me. Its either me or randoms who don't pay her any attention.

So what about Pink's needs? I think she could use the extra love and support she needs right now. She's going to feel insecure at times. I dont think she will want to seek a new F lover at this point in her life. Will I be enough for Pink for the time being? I'm her best option until she's ready. I want more 1 on 1 with Blue, so how do I make her feel more included? She wants more intimacy with Blue. I dont know how to help them with that. I dont know if it can be. I can offer her fun in the bedroom either 1 on 1 with Pink and the 3 of us, but i can't offer her the kind of intimacy she wants.

You focus a LOT on what Pink needs. Where are your wants and needs?

How about each person deal with their own stuff? And you focus and advocate for what YOU need and want here to be healthy? Rather than offering "keep Pink happy" solutions while saying you want to stop hierarchy? You don't have to mean to her. You could just stop making her be the front and center of your concerns. Concern yourself with your own stuff first.

You could state it up front:

• You(assuming you consent to practice a new model) do the work to adjust to new agreements. Start doing some stuff. Stop doing other stuff.
• You want to date Blue and want to be friendly towards Pink
  
• You want Pink and Blue figure out how to work out their intimacy, finances, and addiction issues without involving you.
  
• You want to stop doing random casual sex. And stop sharing sex with Pink. You prefer Pink figure out what women she wants to date on her own.
  
• You prefer a separate V and dropping the "permissions" thing. Then you just stop asking for them.
  

BLUE JOBS

• Blue (assuming he consents to practice a new model) does the work to adjust to new agreements. Start doing some stuff. Stop doing other stuff.
  
• Blue tells Pink he wants a separate V and is dropping the "permissions" thing. Then he just stops doing that.
  
• Blue can share his calendar with you and Pink so you know what's up. He's in charge if his time management.
  
  • He works out the desire for more 1 on 1 time with you on that side.
    
  • He works out the desire for more intimate connection with Pink on that side.

PINK JOBS

• Pink (assuming she consents to practice a new model) does the work to adjust to new agreements. Start doing some stuff. Stop doing other stuff.
• Pink stops doing casual sex just to keep Blue happy
• Pink starts dating other women to find an actual GF that wants to be with her

Could aim for more honest and authentic relating. Each person holding up their OWN end of the stick and not trying to do the other people's jobs. They do their own jobs.

Could practice a new model where you do NOT offer yourself as a "make do with me even though I'm heterosexual" GF for Pink because you think she can't find someone new while dealing with cancer. For all you know she'd meet someone at cancer support group. Stop trying to fix life for her. Let her solve her own stuff.

I encourage you Blue and Pink to sit down and be SUPER honest with each other and see what does and does not line up. But def no more wonky stuff. The wonky stuff must end.

Hopefully it becomes a better new model so you all can continue together less wonky.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

It sounds like Pink and Blue should think about moving beyond the whole "throuple" idea. They could start dating separately. That way Pink could find a woman who is more into women. I'm sure she could find more prospects if her potential partners weren't expected to sleep with Blue.

 

[Rottngrl]

It sounds like Pink and Blue should think about moving beyond the whole "throuple" idea. They could start dating separately. That way Pink could find a woman who is more into women. I'm sure she could find more prospects if her potential partners weren't expected to sleep with Blue.

Pink has tried some dates on her own, but she says its so much harder to find. Hence this unhealthy cycle theyve been stuck in.

 

[Magdlyn]

Make sure, when you sign in, you click on "Remember me." If you spend more than 10 minutes on a post, you'll time out otherwise, and lose your work.

 

[FallenAngelina]

So Blue and Pink have been having problems over the past year and I backed off after Pink trying to drag me into it. Their problems were more about finances, addiction and them growing apart.

What's the addiction in this situation?