kittykate82
New member
Hi All,
Writing for some advice, i'm new here and hoping to get some help for a situation I found myself in for four years. I have an anchor, live-in partner i've been with for about 5 years. Coming into the relationship I was fairly new to poly, I had some small encounters prior. My partner informed me he was a "poly life coach" at the time, and was very involved in our local poly community, and was dating a few other women. Many of these women I knew personally, but he never really mentioned one partner, whom he told me was married, and he also said they may break up....so I didn't really ask too many questions since she never came up and i never saw her.
My relationship with my partner J progressed quickly, and within 6 months we were very close, spending time with family members and sharing a car, and talking about living together. There was just one thing: as a naturally kinky curious person, I knew my partner was really into kink....except that due to a promise he had made with the married partner (C) that he would not do any kind of kink (no titles, no bondage, just regular ol' sex) with anyone but her. I found this odd, being she was married to someone else, and had two partners to be free with, and i had just one (tho i am poly i am quite introverted, date very little, and would not do kink or have sex with anyone unless i loved them...i know not natural to the poly world but i truly believe in it as a philosophy and live by it).
After a year and many fights and arguments with C, he was able to do kink with me...but there were still more rules. No titles, she had to be the "first" for whatever new kink he tried. The whole thing felt really bad to me...however, she traveled out of the country for about 1/2 the year, so most of the time she was gone, and my partner kept saying that when she got back he'd be leaving the relationship since he was controlled by her too much....but upon getting back from her travels he never did, and that's how four years passed.
She got divorced from her husband, and said that they would remain "life partners," platonically. I wondered if the ex-husband consented to this plan, and sure enough he did not, and he left the situation only by saying he would not speak to her again. It seems like C had ideas on how everyone should be living and relating to her, including myself and my partner. She wished to have a high level of demand over my partner, but did not want very much interaction with me. She did not wish to talk with me directly, but make her wishes only known to J. She angered easily and was suicidal, often making self-harm threats overseas and leaving my partner unsure of what to do when she returned from the trip. Although my partner and i share finances, a home, and are family planning...she demanded non-hierarchy and wanted her needs to be met equally with my own. Due to this, i wound up missing a series of my partner's holiday events and family weddings since i'd have to share time and space with my meta, who did not really consider my needs or speak to me. it felt odd and lonely to be alone. when i cried and told my partner it was unfair, he insisted upon the theory of non-hierarchy and believed if only was to come, we'd all get along. Unfortunately, any shared events...if i spoke about my shared life with my partner (and it was hard not to, as our life was so entwined), she'd become enraged and scary, and then disassociate by smoking a few bowls of pot.
In the meantime, my partner and I bought a house, moved in together, and began talking about having children (i'm nearly 40, grew up very low income, and have an abusive family...so the home buying with my more privileged partner and to have a safe place to call home was very crucial for me). I was hesitant the whole time because C was a "life partner" as she said, to J, and that whatever we did she would be part of it too. She insisted she have a room in our home (I declined that to be ok with me, inciting lots of fights and anger from C towards J), and my partner prioritize her equally with myself, although she was not part of his daily life. I often felt like an invisible service provider, making my partner and i's life go smoothly, as he stretched himself between our life and the other one he had created with her....done mostly through long distance and then when she came home from traveling, my partner suddenly disappeared for 4 days a week, leaving me suddenly with all the household tasks.
gonna throw my partner under the bus and say that he was not transparent with C and failed to mention some major details: that i was part of the deed on the house he bought, that we were planning on having children in a couple years. I asked why he did not mention these key details and he said later it was because he was afraid of her anger and suicidal thoughts. I wonder if he was just feeding her whatever she wanted to hear to receive her love and affection? on the flip side he under-represented this woman in his life to me, until I was far deep in the relationship, never mentioning her and for about a year i thought she was a more casual partner until all the boundaries came into play.
finally, in late 2019, i put an end to it all. I said that i would not make him choose between us, but if he were to remain in this situation i would be moving out and deescalating our relationship, and look for a different partner to co-house and have children with. I grew up with controlling narcissists who angered easily, and in thinking about a home and children, i have made every choice to keep that out of my life and heal. so this just felt awful to have a meta i didn't choose enter my life, and my partner constantly delay making any changes to create health and well-being. My partner decided to leave C due to his own realization it was unhealthy, and we could not move forward with this in our lives.
C moved away and stays in frequent contact with my partner. She had been writing me more frequently toward the end of 2019, when she knew that i had enough of all the drama and control, and was sending friendly messages as if we were best friends inviting me to things...she only began doing that once my partner began talking about breaking up. I wrote her a nice "farewell" email and asked her to never contact me again and best of luck with her life. C and J are long-distance friends, co-read books, make playlists for each other, and so on. I've asked my partner when COVID is over if he will plan on seeing her, and he says "from time to time." of course, i worry about their friendship but i don't want to control my partner. for all i know they've transitioned into a healthy friendship.
here's my question. this has taken a huge emotional toll on me for four years. The partnership that C and J shared has had a deep control on my life, sexuality, housing, and inability to move ahead with my life. I find myself traumatized by the lack of consideration, respect, and care that C showed me: i truly seemed like a cog in her wheel of a plan she had made with J...to be able to simultaneously travel freely, make her own choices, but be a primary partner (though for many years my partner described that myself and him were "anchor/life partners" C refused to accept i may be a primary, and asked us to be "co-primary" partners. Let me tell you it's very hard to be co-primary partners with someone who doesn't want to communicate with you....travels with her wealth...and does not do the daily work of being a daily partner. Am i working through resentment? yes!). I also find myself enraged deeply at J, my live in partner I am building a life with and his failure to be transparent, living two parallel lives for four years, with two women who thought they were going to have a life together (in my case i thought to have a life shared with my partner since i thought the meta who is unhealthy would be going away, in her case she thought to have a life with him and some how practiced cognitive disassociation and did not think about my existence). I find myself frustrated at the last four years, unable to let go of all the pain it caused me. I feel reluctant to return to a poly lifestyle for all the pain it caused. I feel uncertain if i can trust my partner to make wise, healthy decisions on behalf of our life together. i am angry at myself for letting myself be a doormat for so long. I am mad at the past. i am paranoid about their current friendship, mistrustful of my partner. I have nightmares and clench my jaw so tight my back shoulders hurt. At the same time i am grateful everyday I am free of that V situation and a toxic metamour, but wondering where to go from here...how to build trust and heal with my partner. thoughts?
Thoughts on how to move ahead?
ps...after all this, my partner no longer is attempting to claim to be a "poly life coach" and admits he needs to do some more learning and not get into toxic situations with unhealthy people due his "savior" complex.
Writing for some advice, i'm new here and hoping to get some help for a situation I found myself in for four years. I have an anchor, live-in partner i've been with for about 5 years. Coming into the relationship I was fairly new to poly, I had some small encounters prior. My partner informed me he was a "poly life coach" at the time, and was very involved in our local poly community, and was dating a few other women. Many of these women I knew personally, but he never really mentioned one partner, whom he told me was married, and he also said they may break up....so I didn't really ask too many questions since she never came up and i never saw her.
My relationship with my partner J progressed quickly, and within 6 months we were very close, spending time with family members and sharing a car, and talking about living together. There was just one thing: as a naturally kinky curious person, I knew my partner was really into kink....except that due to a promise he had made with the married partner (C) that he would not do any kind of kink (no titles, no bondage, just regular ol' sex) with anyone but her. I found this odd, being she was married to someone else, and had two partners to be free with, and i had just one (tho i am poly i am quite introverted, date very little, and would not do kink or have sex with anyone unless i loved them...i know not natural to the poly world but i truly believe in it as a philosophy and live by it).
After a year and many fights and arguments with C, he was able to do kink with me...but there were still more rules. No titles, she had to be the "first" for whatever new kink he tried. The whole thing felt really bad to me...however, she traveled out of the country for about 1/2 the year, so most of the time she was gone, and my partner kept saying that when she got back he'd be leaving the relationship since he was controlled by her too much....but upon getting back from her travels he never did, and that's how four years passed.
She got divorced from her husband, and said that they would remain "life partners," platonically. I wondered if the ex-husband consented to this plan, and sure enough he did not, and he left the situation only by saying he would not speak to her again. It seems like C had ideas on how everyone should be living and relating to her, including myself and my partner. She wished to have a high level of demand over my partner, but did not want very much interaction with me. She did not wish to talk with me directly, but make her wishes only known to J. She angered easily and was suicidal, often making self-harm threats overseas and leaving my partner unsure of what to do when she returned from the trip. Although my partner and i share finances, a home, and are family planning...she demanded non-hierarchy and wanted her needs to be met equally with my own. Due to this, i wound up missing a series of my partner's holiday events and family weddings since i'd have to share time and space with my meta, who did not really consider my needs or speak to me. it felt odd and lonely to be alone. when i cried and told my partner it was unfair, he insisted upon the theory of non-hierarchy and believed if only was to come, we'd all get along. Unfortunately, any shared events...if i spoke about my shared life with my partner (and it was hard not to, as our life was so entwined), she'd become enraged and scary, and then disassociate by smoking a few bowls of pot.
In the meantime, my partner and I bought a house, moved in together, and began talking about having children (i'm nearly 40, grew up very low income, and have an abusive family...so the home buying with my more privileged partner and to have a safe place to call home was very crucial for me). I was hesitant the whole time because C was a "life partner" as she said, to J, and that whatever we did she would be part of it too. She insisted she have a room in our home (I declined that to be ok with me, inciting lots of fights and anger from C towards J), and my partner prioritize her equally with myself, although she was not part of his daily life. I often felt like an invisible service provider, making my partner and i's life go smoothly, as he stretched himself between our life and the other one he had created with her....done mostly through long distance and then when she came home from traveling, my partner suddenly disappeared for 4 days a week, leaving me suddenly with all the household tasks.
gonna throw my partner under the bus and say that he was not transparent with C and failed to mention some major details: that i was part of the deed on the house he bought, that we were planning on having children in a couple years. I asked why he did not mention these key details and he said later it was because he was afraid of her anger and suicidal thoughts. I wonder if he was just feeding her whatever she wanted to hear to receive her love and affection? on the flip side he under-represented this woman in his life to me, until I was far deep in the relationship, never mentioning her and for about a year i thought she was a more casual partner until all the boundaries came into play.
finally, in late 2019, i put an end to it all. I said that i would not make him choose between us, but if he were to remain in this situation i would be moving out and deescalating our relationship, and look for a different partner to co-house and have children with. I grew up with controlling narcissists who angered easily, and in thinking about a home and children, i have made every choice to keep that out of my life and heal. so this just felt awful to have a meta i didn't choose enter my life, and my partner constantly delay making any changes to create health and well-being. My partner decided to leave C due to his own realization it was unhealthy, and we could not move forward with this in our lives.
C moved away and stays in frequent contact with my partner. She had been writing me more frequently toward the end of 2019, when she knew that i had enough of all the drama and control, and was sending friendly messages as if we were best friends inviting me to things...she only began doing that once my partner began talking about breaking up. I wrote her a nice "farewell" email and asked her to never contact me again and best of luck with her life. C and J are long-distance friends, co-read books, make playlists for each other, and so on. I've asked my partner when COVID is over if he will plan on seeing her, and he says "from time to time." of course, i worry about their friendship but i don't want to control my partner. for all i know they've transitioned into a healthy friendship.
here's my question. this has taken a huge emotional toll on me for four years. The partnership that C and J shared has had a deep control on my life, sexuality, housing, and inability to move ahead with my life. I find myself traumatized by the lack of consideration, respect, and care that C showed me: i truly seemed like a cog in her wheel of a plan she had made with J...to be able to simultaneously travel freely, make her own choices, but be a primary partner (though for many years my partner described that myself and him were "anchor/life partners" C refused to accept i may be a primary, and asked us to be "co-primary" partners. Let me tell you it's very hard to be co-primary partners with someone who doesn't want to communicate with you....travels with her wealth...and does not do the daily work of being a daily partner. Am i working through resentment? yes!). I also find myself enraged deeply at J, my live in partner I am building a life with and his failure to be transparent, living two parallel lives for four years, with two women who thought they were going to have a life together (in my case i thought to have a life shared with my partner since i thought the meta who is unhealthy would be going away, in her case she thought to have a life with him and some how practiced cognitive disassociation and did not think about my existence). I find myself frustrated at the last four years, unable to let go of all the pain it caused me. I feel reluctant to return to a poly lifestyle for all the pain it caused. I feel uncertain if i can trust my partner to make wise, healthy decisions on behalf of our life together. i am angry at myself for letting myself be a doormat for so long. I am mad at the past. i am paranoid about their current friendship, mistrustful of my partner. I have nightmares and clench my jaw so tight my back shoulders hurt. At the same time i am grateful everyday I am free of that V situation and a toxic metamour, but wondering where to go from here...how to build trust and heal with my partner. thoughts?
Thoughts on how to move ahead?
ps...after all this, my partner no longer is attempting to claim to be a "poly life coach" and admits he needs to do some more learning and not get into toxic situations with unhealthy people due his "savior" complex.
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