A different kind of help please

[Dh505]

So I wrote a letter to my wife and before i give it to her can some one fix it so it doesn't run on and on as I always do. I just don't see where to break it at because I'm in it. And one of was really good at it. Please try not to judge me though you will, but please don't be mean about it.



I have to start this with I love you and I don't want to say much less feel these things and I wish you didn't have to know but it's only fair to you to be honest.

I just don't know what to do you told him you loved him on the phone while I was sitting there with you in the car and I got angry. Shaking angry. I don't think I can do this with him but I don't know if anyone else would be different I like to think so since it never hurt like this before anytime you have dated before yes I get jealous over time and affection but I never felt like they could take a you from me at anytime yea deep down I knew it was possible but it didn't feel like it could we were to strong together we could take on anything everything it didn't matter but now I keep going back to that night and everything you said in the car and in bed and I blame him. Weather what you told me was true or made up i dont know all I know is that I lost a big piece of me that night and I can't seem to get it back. I used to be able to hold on to us and pull myself through anything it's where I hid Tata and all the bad things I've done, my cheat fucking everything it was my core I always knew we could get through anything and we could couldn't be broken and then you left me for him and in that moment that shield anchor power was gone I will love you till the day I die and Wil fight to keep you. And that's why I have to fight this fight on my own because you do love him and no matter what you deserve to be happy fulfilled and truly loved. I don't want to hate him and I try all the time to be supportive and nice about him because I love you so I am trying to find something else in me that I can hold on to and I can't find anything. So yes I'm fucking broken but you didn't break me I put to much faith in my ability to love you right and I failed myself. I lost you to a man you new for 3 months after everything is said and done I failed you and I can't seem to forgive my self so I can t see how you can Imand the sad does she even love me comes back and I start thinking I'm keeping you from your happiness so I keep trying to forgive him and I am trying to work past this because you deserve this. I am working on seeing him as the man who you love like me and wantbto build our life with , instead of the man who stole my everything and that's why I am out here now.

Well 2 hours later finally tried some of the weed I brought but yes I think I can get there I may be a crying mess here and there but I can get there and yes I know you are still here and aren't planning on going anywhere.

As for mourning I meant my safe place it broke and I just can't find something to replace it with because all I really want is to have it back. And I hope I can build it back but I'm going to need alot of time. All this being said I want our life together as long as I have you it will be more than enough to sustain me I know we will have major ups and downs and and boring times but I want to live that with you for the rest of my life pain joy grief love ecstacy fear I want to share it all with you but I can understand if with everything I've said you can't live with that and will find a way to accept that if I have to as I keep saying I will fight kick and scream but if it's really what you want I will.

I love you so much and I'm sorry I can't just say these things to you straight I fear hurting you and now that I know I can lose you I fear that too.


I will take every happy moment I can till forever comes to pass.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are struggling. You seem to be in a great deal of pain.

As is, I don't think you should give that letter to your wife because it reads like a journal entry. No punctuation, thoughts all over place. Which is fine if you are writing in a journal just to get the feelings out and do a "brain dump."

But maybe not in a letter. Letters usually have a purpose.

What are you trying to do with this letter? I am a bit confused.

• Are you trying to apologize for something?
• Are you asking wife to do something?
• Are you trying to make wife aware of something and give her some info?
• Something else?

I used to be able to hold on to us and pull myself through anything. It's where I hid Tata and all the bad things I've done, my cheat fucking everything

Did you cheat on agreements at some point? And you and her still haven't healed from the cheating?

I just don't know what to do. You told him you loved him on the phone while I was sitting there with you in the car and I got angry. Shaking angry. I don't think I can do this with him but I don't know if anyone else would be different. I like to think so since it never hurt like this before anytime you have dated before.

Were you and wife doing open marriage and both having casual sex on the side? And you could deal with that.

I am working on seeing him as the man who you love like me and wantbto build our life with , instead of the man who stole my everything and that's why I am out here now.

And now she fell in love and she wants to do a poly V? And you are up for sharing sex with other people in an open marriage ok enough, but don't want to share her love. The very idea shakes you to your core. So you aren't sure you can deal with polyamory. (sharing love and sharing sex.) Or you just don't want any polyamory in your life. And you can't see it being open-poly where it is open on your side and it is poly on her side.

So if poly is a dealbreaker for you, it might mean breaking up wife, which you don't want either.

Is that it? You are stuck between a rock and a hard place?

At this time? If you are going to send any letters to wife, I'd go short and sweet. Maybe something like...

"I'm sorry for getting so angry in the car the other night. This is different than you dating before. I'm not used to sharing your love with other people. I need more time to come to terms with this before we talk again. I love you, and I want to be with you. I don't want to fight. But this is hard, and I need some time to collect myself before we try talking again so the conversation can be productive and not derail into an argument."​

That's fair. Especially if you don't want get emotionally flooded and have the conversation get overwhelming or end up going in circles and not really being productive. It lets her know you aren't sweeping it under the rug. Just that you need some time.

I love you so much and I'm sorry I can't just say these things to you straight. I fear hurting you. And now that I know I can lose you, I fear that too.

I think rather than being fearful and leaning away from necessary conversations? You could lean IN and have the talks you need to be having.

But maybe AFTER cooling off some and getting it together so the feelings aren't all over the place. And you are clearer in your own mind about what you want from your relationships and you wife.

I see that you love your wife a whole lot. But if you need to talk to see if you have grown in different directions or want different things from life? You do have to talk eventually.

This is your spouse. You have to be able to speak your truth, if even at a whisper.

So what IS your truth? What would make you happy in your marriage?

I don't know if this helps you any. Esp the part about beliefs.

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is

www.kathylabriola.com

Galagirl

 

[Dh505]

So the new guy came in as a lie they started dating in Oct but she was saying it was someone else out of fear of me not being ok with men eventhough she's dated men in the past but hid him none the less and then accepted a marriage proposal from him start of Dec and asked me for a divorce we moved forward and are still together but I have major trust issues here from it but haven't found a way to communicate them I just start babbling and become incoherent I've found atleatf if it's in writing I can't avoid the hard communication
But thank you for the advice gala

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more details. I can understand you being thrown for a loop. It just so many things at once.

Let me repeat back in my own words so I get your situation like you mean it. Correct me if I get bits wrong, ok?

• You and her are married.
  • You were in an open marriage. So her dating people WAS NOT cheating on agreements.
  • You were in a closed marriage. Her dating people IS cheating on agreements.
  • (I'm unclear on this part)
• She started dating him in October saying she was seeing someone else. (Who? Dating a woman? Going to see a friend?)
• He proposed marriage in Dec and she accepted. (Did he know she was already married? Is she being love bombed?)
• She asked you for a divorce.
  • Neither of you has gone to file for a divorce at City Hall or anything. You two are still married to each other.
    • Now instead of wanting a divorce, she wants to remain legally married to you and still be with him in some sort of poly V. (???)
    • Or she still wants a divorce, but slowed it down some because of your overwhelm. (??)
• What do YOU want at this time. (In all the back and forth writing, I'm not clear on what you want in your relationship. Could you please be willing to clarify?)
  • You want her to pick just you. (is that true?)
  • You are not happy about it but if she still prefers a divorce, you will give it to her. (is that true?)
  • You are tempted to do a poly V anyway from fear of breaking up with her (is that true?)

Is that it? So where did it finally at the end? What do you want in your relationship?

Honestly, it sounds like really bad NRE gone bananas. Who gets married after only knowing someone 3 mos? Whether monogamous or polyamorous that just sounds like waaaay too fast to me.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Dh505,

From what I can gather from your posts so far in this thread, your wife started dating someone this last October, and lied to you about it, then agreed in December to marry that guy, then asked you for a divorce, then I guess changed her mind about divorcing because you were so upset? Let me know if I have misread anything here. So now you are trying to move past all of that, but you are finding it hard to move past it because now you know you really can lose her (because she asked for a divorce). So then, when you were in the car with her, and she was talking to him on the phone, she told him she loved him, and hearing that triggered you, so that you were so angry you were shaking. And you think you were triggered because with that, plus her earlier request for a divorce, it was all too much for you to process. Let me know if I have misread anything.

You are afraid that your wife will leave you, but I actually think you should leave her. You love her, but I actually think she doesn't love you. The way she treats you is not the way you would treat someone you love. I am especially concerned about her dishonesty, but I guess she lied out of fear, fear of how you would react if you knew the truth. Also I think she is very deep in NRE, which means she is not seeing things clearly and is wanting to put this other man first in her life because of how she feels about him. I suppose you could wait out the NRE; maybe when it starts to fade, she will start thinking more clearly again. I just wouldn't want to see you persevere in a marriage that was making you miserable, and I think that's what you're prepared to do. You love her a lot, I can see that. You love the person you want her to be.

I think you should send her the letter.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Dh505]

Thanks Kevin

Hi Dh505,

From what I can gather from your posts so far in this thread, your wife started dating someone this last October, and lied to you about it, then agreed in December to marry that guy, then asked you for a divorce, then I guess changed her mind about divorcing because you were so upset? Let me know if I have misread anything here. So now you are trying to move past all of that, but you are finding it hard to move past it because now you know you really can lose her (because she asked for a divorce). So then, when you were in the car with her, and she was talking to him on the phone, she told him she loved him, and hearing that triggered you, so that you were so angry you were shaking. And you think you were triggered because with that, plus her earlier request for a divorce, it was all too much for you to process. Let me know if I have misread anything.

You are afraid that your wife will leave you, but I actually think you should leave her. You love her, but I actually think she doesn't love you. The way she treats you is not the way you would treat someone you love. I am especially concerned about her dishonesty, but I guess she lied out of fear, fear of how you would react if you knew the truth. Also I think she is very deep in NRE, which means she is not seeing things clearly and is wanting to put this other man first in her life because of how she feels about him. I suppose you could wait out the NRE; maybe when it starts to fade, she will start thinking more clearly again. I just wouldn't want to see you persevere in a marriage that was making you miserable, and I think that's what you're prepared to do. You love her a lot, I can see that. You love the person you want her to be.

I think you should send her the letter.
Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin yes you got it right I just don't see my future with out her in it so leaving is not an option for me.

 

[Dh505]

Thank you for more details. I can understand you being thrown for a loop. It just so many things at once.

Let me repeat back in my own words so I get your situation like you mean it. Correct me if I get bits wrong, ok?

• You and her are married.
  • You were in an open marriage. So her dating people WAS NOT cheating on agreements.
  • You were in a closed marriage. Her dating people IS cheating on agreements.
  • (I'm unclear on this part)
• She started dating him in October saying she was seeing someone else. (Who? Dating a woman? Going to see a friend?)
• He proposed marriage in Dec and she accepted. (Did he know she was already married? Is she being love bombed?)
• She asked you for a divorce.
  • Neither of you has gone to file for a divorce at City Hall or anything. You two are still married to each other.
    • Now instead of wanting a divorce, she wants to remain legally married to you and still be with him in some sort of poly V. (???)
    • Or she still wants a divorce, but slowed it down some because of your overwhelm. (??)
• What do YOU want at this time. (In all the back and forth writing, I'm not clear on what you want in your relationship. Could you please be willing to clarify?)
  • You want her to pick just you. (is that true?)
  • You are not happy about it but if she still prefers a divorce, you will give it to her. (is that true?)
  • You are tempted to do a poly V anyway from fear of breaking up with her (is that true?)

Is that it? So where did it finally at the end? What do you want in your relationship?

Honestly, it sounds like really bad NRE gone bananas. Who gets married after only knowing someone 3 mos? Whether monogamous or polyamorous that just sounds like waaaay too fast to me.

Galagirl

Open marriage agreed to only women but knew that was not really possible or fair.

Thank you for more details. I can understand you being thrown for a loop. It just so many things at once.

Let me repeat back in my own words so I get your situation like you mean it. Correct me if I get bits wrong, ok?

• You and her are married.
  • You were in an open marriage. So her dating people WAS NOT cheating on agreements.
  • You were in a closed marriage. Her dating people IS cheating on agreements.
  • (I'm unclear on this part)
• She started dating him in October saying she was seeing someone else. (Who? Dating a woman? Going to see a friend?)
• He proposed marriage in Dec and she accepted. (Did he know she was already married? Is she being love bombed?)
• She asked you for a divorce.
  • Neither of you has gone to file for a divorce at City Hall or anything. You two are still married to each other.
    • Now instead of wanting a divorce, she wants to remain legally married to you and still be with him in some sort of poly V. (???)
    • Or she still wants a divorce, but slowed it down some because of your overwhelm. (??)
• What do YOU want at this time. (In all the back and forth writing, I'm not clear on what you want in your relationship. Could you please be willing to clarify?)
  • You want her to pick just you. (is that true?)
  • You are not happy about it but if she still prefers a divorce, you will give it to her. (is that true?)
  • You are tempted to do a poly V anyway from fear of breaking up with her (is that true?)

Is that it? So where did it finally at the end? What do you want in your relationship?

Honestly, it sounds like really bad NRE gone bananas. Who gets married after only knowing someone 3 mos? Whether monogamous or polyamorous that just sounds like waaaay too fast to me.

Galagir

Open marriage with the understanding she could fall for someone was told only women but that was unrealistic and I knew it at the time. Then we would do the mono thing and i'd catch her playing with other men and that never bothered me I'd make a show of being mad but really just hurt I wasn't included I the conversation or decision

Decided in the middle of corona she wanted to start dating again tells me she met a woman and they go out regularly

When it seemed like nre was pulling her away from me I asked to talk because maybe I was just being jealous but we sit down to talk and thats when she hit me with divorce

Agree to work on us but then find out a week later because I looked through her phone it was him and he had asked her to marry him and she said yes.

Bring it up she says she does want to be with me and that was a mistake she love him but still loves me. Not perfect but it's what we have I have these extremely strong feelings about him and am trying to work through them but it is hard. She hasn't cut back on him at all in the month since seems more like she's leaning in harder.

Then her dad died 2 weeks ago and I stepped up took care of all the arrangements etc but with all the flood of emotions from that I knew I needed to sort my shit out and planned on going out the night I wrote this but then we were in the car going to pick up food she could make him at our home while I was out and I got triggered I didn't say anything to her and I kept it in check till we got back to the house but I just walked in grabbed what I needed and left because he would be there soon and I'm not allowed around him.

So I went out tried looking at myself and the situation from her perspective and looking from outside tried to understand and I get the need for love and loving more than one person I just have a hard time accepting this person who from what I read in her messages basically said fuck me and let's get our lives going. None of that seems like good poly to me but I know I'm inexperienced. She talks now about how all three of us will have a baby(s) and have the life me and her planned still and it all just doesn't sit well with me and i keep going back to and blaming him. I know I played a part.

My dream was for the 2 of us and an open for her marriage but am willing to have a proper v with honest coms but I can't get past him. But I worry it's not just him and that I'm setting myself up to hurt her worse in the future if I'm wrong and get what I want which at this point is no him.

 

[GalaGirl]

So the agreement for Open marriage was unrealistic from the start -- for her to date only women. You knew it wasn't realistic and didn't say anything about it. And she knew it and didn't say anything about it either. Just dated whoever. So both of you don't really talk honestly with each other.

Over time...

• She asked for a divorce and then took it back. She wants to be all together, and have children together.
• She agreed to work on things with you, but isn't investing the time to actually do it.
• Instead she spends most of her time with him.
• From peeking in her phone, you found out Dude told her "Fuck DH505. Let's just get our lives started." So you don't trust him.
• And you aren't crazy about the idea of all 3 together either.
• You want him to go away. For it to be just you and her, with open marriage for her.

Is that so?

If that's the case? I think you could be honest and tell her that. And let the chips fall where they may.

You aren't happy doing this.

So may as well be up front with her about it.

Galagirl

 

[Dh505]

Not open for her I think I could be happy with someone who didn't try to steal my wife from me I understand what poly is in the most basic of grasps I knew things would get complicated I just didn't see it being that easy to walk away from me.

 

[GalaGirl]

Not open for her I think I could be happy with someone who didn't try to steal my wife from me

You think the dude is a cowboy? Trying to rope her off?

What's going on with your wife that she wants to go? Usually people who want to stay? Stay. They can't be roped off.

I knew things would get complicated I just didn't see it being that easy to walk away from me.

I know.

I used to be able to hold on to us and pull myself through anything it's where I hid Tata and all the bad things I've done, my cheat fucking everything it was my core I always knew we could get through anything and we could couldn't be broken and then you left me for him and in that moment that shield anchor power was gone

From your earlier posts it sounds like you took it for granted. That she would ALWAYS be around no matter what because you are married. Kind of put her on a pedestal. And you made your relationship with her be your anchor. That you HAD this relationship thing.

And now that you know you can't take it for granted? You have to figure out a new anchor, a new way of going. Maybe instead of looking at it like you HAD this relationship thing like you might HAVE a sweater? You look at how you PARTICIPATE in the relationship with her.

I encourage you to change how you participate with her. Maybe be more up front and honest with her in your talking. Stop "sliding" so much. Like making agreements you know from the start aren't right but letting it slide anyway. Only to reap new messes.

You don't sound like you really want to participate in a 3 people thing with a guy you don't trust and a wife you don't hold on a pedestal any more.

You sound like you are willing to participate and work on stuff. But not if her participation is all talk and no show. She says she wants to work on stuff, but spends all her time on him. (What ARE you doing to work on stuff? Going to see a counselor? Reading a book together? Talking things out? A combo? What? )

I love you so much and I'm sorry I can't just say these things to you straight I fear hurting you and now that I know I can lose you I fear that too.

I encourage you to speak your truth. There's already been so much hurt here on both sides.

What are you afraid of? That she will hurt some more or you will hurt some more? That you will ask her to dump the dude and she says no? So it ends up at divorce? Well, that would suck, but you would know the final answer. Sometimes the path to greater understanding has to go through some hurting. Maybe it ends up a better marriage, and maybe it ends up that the best thing to do is to part ways because you have become in compatible.

I don't think dragging things out prolonging your suffering helps you any.

I can understand if with everything I've said you can't live with that and will find a way to accept that if I have to as I keep saying I will fight kick and scream but if it's really what you want I will.

Sometimes the last loving thing one can do is to let go.

You also have to love YOU and not put yourself in stuff you really don't want to be doing. I worry you are gonna go along with the 3 people thing that you say doesn't sit well with you just because you don't want to break up.

I get that. But how do you want to keep going? Still sliding and not really communicating honestly? Just slide some more and wait for the next mess?

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I could be happy with someone who didn't try to steal my wife from me

Nobody can steal someone who doesn't want to go. There is no such thing as a cowboy, cowgirl, home-wrecker, whatever. It's most helpful to keep the focus on what's going on in your relationship and not blame others for "giving her ideas." If someone leaves a relationship, it's because that person wanted to go. Barring actual abduction, nobody can steal her.

 

[icesong]

planned on going out the night I wrote this but then we were in the car going to pick up food she could make him at our home while I was out and I got triggered I didn't say anything to her and I kept it in check till we got back to the house but I just walked in grabbed what I needed and left because he would be there soon and I'm not allowed around him.

Dude. This is... it's your house too. I don't care what she wants to "allow", telling you that you have to leave because she wants him over is more than a little bit BS, especially with *having to run errands that only benefit the two of them* first...

Poly or not, if this is a typical experience she's treating you badly.

 

[Dh505]

Dude. This is... it's your house too. I don't care what she wants to "allow", telling you that you have to leave because she wants him over is more than a little bit BS, especially with *having to run errands that only benefit the two of them* first...

Poly or not, if this is a typical experience she's treating you badly.

Not a regular thing he is afraid of me I think because of the way things started and she knows I have a side that would do something but that's been checked and put away for years I used to be a fighter now I try to talk it out and walk away when I can't get through a thick skull or can't accept their opinion. But basically I agreed to stay away when they are at the house and yea she says just tell me when you want to come home and I'll kick him out but for me i would never asked for her to end a date or visit early because I'm done with whatever I'm doing. So I simply wait till I get the message he's left. All that being said lastnight we did have a light convo and the idea of bringing him over to smoke and chill all three of us but it was like 2 sentence capped by her laughing uncomfortably.

 

[Dh505]

Nobody can steal someone who doesn't want to go. There is no such thing as a cowboy, cowgirl, home-wrecker, whatever. It's most helpful to keep the focus on what's going on in your relationship and not blame others for "giving her ideas." If someone leaves a relationship, it's because that person wanted to go. Barring actual abduction, nobody can steal her.

Fair enough and I know she wouldn't have done it if she didn't want to and I think that's why it hurt when she tried to apologize after reading the letter for being who she is. Not for trying to leave.

 

[Dh505]

You think the dude is a cowboy? Trying to rope her off?

What's going on with your wife that she wants to go? Usually people who want to stay? Stay. They can't be roped off.



I know.



From your earlier posts it sounds like you took it for granted. That she would ALWAYS be around no matter what because you are married. Kind of put her on a pedestal. And you made your relationship with her be your anchor. That you HAD this relationship thing.

And now that you know you can't take it for granted? You have to figure out a new anchor, a new way of going. Maybe instead of looking at it like you HAD this relationship thing like you might HAVE a sweater? You look at how you PARTICIPATE in the relationship with her.

I encourage you to change how you participate with her. Maybe be more up front and honest with her in your talking. Stop "sliding" so much. Like making agreements you know from the start aren't right but letting it slide anyway. Only to reap new messes.

You don't sound like you really want to participate in a 3 people thing with a guy you don't trust and a wife you don't hold on a pedestal any more.

You sound like you are willing to participate and work on stuff. But not if her participation is all talk and no show. She says she wants to work on stuff, but spends all her time on him. (What ARE you doing to work on stuff? Going to see a counselor? Reading a book together? Talking things out? A combo? What? )



I encourage you to speak your truth. There's already been so much hurt here on both sides.

What are you afraid of? That she will hurt some more or you will hurt some more? That you will ask her to dump the dude and she says no? So it ends up at divorce? Well, that would suck, but you would know the final answer. Sometimes the path to greater understanding has to go through some hurting. Maybe it ends up a better marriage, and maybe it ends up that the best thing to do is to part ways because you have become in compatible.

I don't think dragging things out prolonging your suffering helps you any.



Sometimes the last loving thing one can do is to let go.

You also have to love YOU and not put yourself in stuff you really don't want to be doing. I worry you are gonna go along with the 3 people thing that you say doesn't sit well with you just because you don't want to break up.

I get that. But how do you want to keep going? Still sliding and not really communicating honestly? Just slide some more and wait for the next mess?

Galagirl

Unsure what I did or didn't do that led to her feeling the relationship wasn't worth saving at the time. But I know I played my part. Got complacent during quarantine as we were basically stuck at home the last year. She's been working from home since March and litteraly saw me and the kid for most days. And I was overly protective of her and the kid for the first six months. Wouldn't touch either one of them till I showered and changed after work since I deal with people from all over the country in person daily. Wouldn't go to family gatherings and would give them a light amount of hard time if they would go.
Cowboy in my head maybe. But really just someone who says he wants everything she thinks I don't because he wants babies.
I always wanted kids but with her pcos I gave up that dream when we had our 10th miscarriage and the docs said they not promise a full term pregnancy and that she would be at risk no matter what so as much as I want more kids I don't want to lose her to have them so I put that away and slowly made an outward showing of growing away from liking kids to not wanting to be around them. And we have discussed this since coming to the point that we are staying together and birthcontrol is out and things are being tracked but I'm still so scared for her.

Taking her for granted is definatly true I didn't realize it at the time but looking back definitely I could have been more attentive and been there for her more with the small stuff. Instead treating her like she's got it all under control and didn't need want my support/help.

I did give her this letter edited to not include my hate of her boyfriend because I will never ask her to leave someone she loves and she tells him she does everyday.

Working on stuff has been me actually communicating my feelings with her and then personally trying to get past them or through them. As I won't interfere with their relationship partly because I think ibwould lose her but also because if she leaves me she will need him to be there for her

I want to have our family as we always talked about me and her on our little homestead with the people we have come to love with us which is another part of why I won't push for him to be gone this is part of the path to that this is not the start I hoped for but it is the one I have.

 

[GalaGirl]

And I was overly protective of her and the kid for the first six months. Wouldn't touch either one of them till I showered and changed after work since I deal with people from all over the country in person daily. Wouldn't go to family gatherings and would give them a light amount of hard time if they would go.

None of that is unreasonable in during COVID 19 pandemic.

I always wanted kids but with her pcos I gave up that dream when we had our 10th miscarriage and the docs said they not promise a full term pregnancy and that she would be at risk no matter what so as much as I want more kids I don't want to lose her to have them so I put that away and slowly made an outward showing of growing away from liking kids to not wanting to be around them.

You made a show of not liking children? When really you like them but fear a dangerous pregnancy for her? I dn't understand why you are not more able to be honest with your partner.

While on her end she's not using BC and hoping to get pregnant anyway. From who? You? The new dude? Do you want to be fluid bonded with the new dude?

Sounds like you are resigned to this new model.

Galagirl

 

[Dh505]

I have accepted this is our future mybiggest issue is not a v or what maybe it's getting over the shit in my head that he stole her as has been said no one can be stolen only given a place to go but I can't break myself of that thought. Thank you for being so supportive and straight with me it's helpful

 

[Magdlyn]

So, I wrote a letter to my wife, and before I give it to her, can some one fix it so it doesn't run on and on, as I always do? I just don't see where to break it at, because I'm in it. One of you is really good at this. Please try not to judge me...

I edited your text for you. Maybe I'm the one that is "really good at it."

I have to start this with: I love you. I don't want to say, much less feel these things. I wish you didn't have to know, but it's only fair to you, to be honest.

I just don't know what to do. You told him you loved him on the phone, while I was sitting there with you in the car, and I got angry-- shaking angry.

I don't think I can do this with him, but I don't know if anyone else would be different. I'd like to think so, since it never hurt like this when you have dated before. I get jealous about your time and affection, but I never felt like they could take you from me at anytime.

Deep down, I knew it was possible, but it didn't feel like it could happen. We were too strong together. We could take on anything and everything. It didn't matter.

But now, I keep going back to that night, and everything you said in the car and in bed, and I blame him. Whether what you told me was true or made up, I don't know. All I know is that I lost a big piece of me that night and I can't seem to get it back. I used to be able to hold on to us and pull myself through anything.

It's where I hid Tata and all the bad things I've done. My cheating and fucking, everything. It was my core. I always knew we could get through anything, and we could couldn't be broken. And then you left me for him, and in that moment that shield or anchor power was gone.

I will love you til the day I die and I will fight to keep you. I have to fight this fight on my own, because you do love him. No matter what, you deserve to be happy, fulfilled and truly loved. I don't want to hate him. I try all the time to be supportive and nice about him because I love you.

I am trying to find something else in me that I can hold on to, and I can't find anything. So yes, I'm fucking broken. But you didn't break me. I put too much faith into my ability to love you right, and I failed myself. I lost you to a man you knew for 3 months.

After everything is said and done, I failed you. I can't seem to forgive myself, so I don't see how you can.

The sad thought, "Does she even love me?" comes back, and I start thinking I'm keeping you from your happiness. So I keep trying to forgive him.

I am trying to work past this, because you deserve this. I am working on seeing him as the man who you love, like me, as someone with whom you want to build your, instead of the man who stole my everything. And that's why I am out here now.

(Well, 2 hours later, I finally tried some of the weed I brought.)

I think I can get there. I may be a crying mess here and there, but I can get there. I know you are still here and aren't planning on going anywhere.

As for mourning, I meant my safe place broke, and I just can't find something to replace it with. All I really want is to have it back. I hope I can build it back, but I'm going to need a lot of time.

All this being said, I want our life together. As long as I have you, it will be more than enough to sustain me. I know we will have major ups and downs, as well as boring times, but I want to live with you for the rest of my life. Pain, joy, grief, love, ecstasy, fear-- I want to share it all with you. But I can understand if, with everything I've said, you can't live with that and can't find a way to accept it. If I have to, as I keep saying, I will fight, kick, and scream. But if it's really what you want, I will.

I love you so much. I'm sorry I can't just say these things to you straight. I fear hurting you. And now that I know I could lose you, I fear that too.


I will take every happy moment I can, until forever comes to pass.

 

[Dh505]

Thanks

 

[Dh505]

What do I owe you