Advice needed ASAP!!

K

kaycahn191

New member
I am in a poly relationship and have noticed a few things i find rather odd. I am somewhat new to poly relationships keep in mind.
1. When one of your partners finds another partner shouldnt they like inform you or something
i ask this because my girlfriend and me were on a call today and she just basically ignored me then mentions she found another boyfriend ( she has the one from when i first got into this particular relationship)
2. then shes gonna laugh and tell me that she and her bestfriend always having sex and im still not sure how to react to that.
any help will do please at this point im just wondering if this is normal or if my girlfriends just toxic ;/
 
Hey, another new member!

First, deep breath. Not even a week ago I was like you freaking out over similar things. I am not going to lie to you, I still am on a bit of a roller coaster. But first, remember nobody has died from this before, you can survive it and will.

People who are better experienced than I will be along to chat. They are great, and though nobody here can offer you a silver bullet it is helpful and comforting, albeit tough sometimes, advice. So hang tough.

kaycahn191 said:
1. When one of your partners finds another partner shouldnt they like inform you or something
Click to expand...
This was one of my isssues. It depends on the guidelines you all consented too. Did you discuss this before? Did all members agree to them?

kaycahn191 said:
2. then shes gonna laugh and tell me that she and her bestfriend always having sex and im still not sure how to react to that.
any help will do please at this point im just wondering if this is normal or if my girlfriends just toxic ;/
Click to expand...
I am going to assume this was a typo and she did tell you that. First, how do you feel? Like me you can be unsure how to react but there is that gut feeling. First, you should sit with that, because if you want to be okay with this you will need to know where you are starting from so you can work on insecurity, etc if it is negative, or choose to encourage the happiness and compersion if that is where you currently are (which is highly unlikely but possible).

I personally fall heavily into the first category, and it is a struggle. However, like my "secondary" thing and I you might have different values of sex than her, and she might not think twice about being open about a comment like that. You may want to ask her to spare you the details unless it impacts your health. It is up to you to decide and then settle it with her.

Also, are you envious of this? Do you need more from her or are you okay with this?
 
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I am in a poly relationship and have noticed a few things i find rather odd. I am somewhat new to poly relationships keep in mind.
1. When one of your partners finds another partner shouldnt they like inform you or something
i ask this because my girlfriend and me were on a call today and she just basically ignored me then mentions she found another boyfriend ( she has the one from when i first got into this particular relationship)
Click to expand...

Depends. What are you agreements? Was this was a Closed V thing with you, the GF, and her BF? And now she's still dating more people so it's cheating on agreements?

Or was this an Open thing were any of you could also date new potentials? So she's not cheating on agreements.

If it's just dating a new potential? I don't need to hear every little play-by-play. Don't bother me. Because some dates are duds and end up in nothing.

I only want to know when a potential is looking to go lover or has become a lover.

Then I can decide if I still want to keep sharing sex with you or not. Because once you share sex with another person depending on your safer sex practices? That can impact MY sex health hygiene if I share sex again with you.

Where you going on a date to the movies or coffee with someone does not impact my health at all.

2. then shes gonna laugh and tell me that she and her bestfriend always having sex and im still not sure how to react to that.
Click to expand...

Why is this a surprise? You didn't already have the sex talk? List past and present partners? What birth control and other safer sex practices you use? So you can each decide if you want to take up with each other or not as lovers?

She didn't mention her best friend is also a FWB on the side?

Any help will do please at this point im just wondering if this is normal or if my girlfriends just toxic ;/
Click to expand...

I don't know how old you both are, but this way of going sounds sloppy for sex health hygiene.

If you are a young adult you might consider


And checking out Planned Parenthood website stuff.

www.plannedparenthood.org

Sexual Health Topics | Get the Facts about Sexual Health

Planned Parenthood provides information and services concerning sexual and reproductive health as well as offering testing and treatment for STDs.
www.plannedparenthood.org www.plannedparenthood.org

www.plannedparenthood.org

Safer Sex ("Safe Sex") | Reduce Your Risk of Getting STDs

Safer sex is all about protecting yourself and your partners from the transmission of STDs. Safer sex helps you stay healthy and can even make sex better.
www.plannedparenthood.org www.plannedparenthood.org

If you do not feel good participating in this relationship? How she handles sex things are NOT funny to you? You can end it and stop seeing her.

If you still want to poly, do it with more responsible people who have more in common. Not everyone you date is gonna be a long haul runner.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Depends. What are you agreements?
Click to expand...

Listen to your friend GalaGirl; it's all about what is agreed upon.

Speak with your words, be specific, be honest, be kind, and let the outcome of the discussion be whatever it needs to be. Too often we try to grapple something into submission until it fits a mold we pre-made, instead, approach the issue to "find out what happens".
 
I'm not sure how you could "be on a call" with her, and still be ignored. If she's ignoring you on a call, tell her, or else hang up.

As for her telling you she and her "best" friend, or boyfriend, or whoever, are "always having sex," and then she laughs in your face, especially if you're not having any sex at all because of the pandemic, that's just a rude and unnecessary things to say, and especially to laugh about, as if your feelings of envy are a joke to her.
 
tallbosguy said:
But first, remember nobody has died from this before, you can survive it and will.
Click to expand...

Not to be a total contrarian but this is not true. It is an unfortunate reality that many suicides and homicides have resulted from toxic relationships. If you are finding yourself in a situation that you cannot handle; Get Out!
 
Inaniel said:
Not to be a total contrarian but this is not true. It is an unfortunate reality that many suicides and homicides have resulted from toxic relationships. If you are finding yourself in a situation that you cannot handle; Get Out!
Click to expand...
Yes, but in this situation it is like calling a gun shot wound lead poisoning - I am merely referring to the normal feelings of panic. With limited context I think it is important to be aware of toxic people but we can't draw infer that from one data point.
 
Nor can we make gross generalizations from one data point...
 
tallbosguy said:
Hey, another new member!

First, deep breath. Not even a week ago I was like you freaking out over similar things. I am not going to lie to you, I still am on a bit of a roller coaster. But first, remember nobody has died from this before, you can survive it and will.

People who are better experienced than I will be along to chat. They are great, and though nobody here can offer you a silver bullet it is helpful and comforting, albeit tough sometimes, advice. So hang tough.


This was one of my isssues. It depends on the guidelines you all consented too. Did you discuss this before? Did all members agree to them?


I am going to assume this was a typo and she did tell you that. First, how do you feel? Like me you can be unsure how to react but there is that gut feeling. First, you should sit with that, because if you want to be okay with this you will need to know where you are starting from so you can work on insecurity, etc if it is negative, or choose to encourage the happiness and compersion if that is where you currently are (which is highly unlikely but possible).

I personally fall heavily into the first category, and it is a struggle. However, like my "secondary" thing and I you might have different values of sex than her, and she might not think twice about being open about a comment like that. You may want to ask her to spare you the details unless it impacts your health. It is up to you to decide and then settle it with her.

Also, are you envious of this? Do you need more from her or are you okay with this?
Click to expand...
we all agreed to informing the rest of new partners. It makes me feel not included tbh
 
Hello Kayla,

When one of your partners finds another partner, they should definitely inform you. I gather that your girlfriend agreed to do that, gave you her word, and then did the thing where she ignored you and then mentioned another boyfriend. She's definitely in the wrong, unless she misunderstood the agreement? Like maybe she didn't know she was supposed to inform you right away. The two of you should probably sit down and review your agreements, adding points of clarification.

When she laughs and tells you that she and her best friend are always having sex, how do you then feel? just annoyed and bothered, or angry and upset, or sad and fearful? or something else? a combination of feelings? The kind and intensity of feelings you feel, figures into how you should bring that up to her, or how you should word it. What do you think her intentions are? Is she taunting you? or does she honestly think it's something you would laugh about too?

You should definitely sit down with her and talk. Actually it might be wise to do that on a regular basis, such as once a month or once a week, depending on how frequent and severe your issues are. I couldn't tell, from your first post here, how long you and your girlfriend have been together. If your relationship with her is rather new, then it's extra important to communicate often and well. Each of you could draw up a list of things you want to talk about, and refer to that list when you're sitting together talking. Take turns talking, and listen to each other. Limit the total amount of time to, say, one hour per session. The important thing is that you do talk.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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