Having a hard time, need some of that support!

Polycurious_Adam

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
I knew this was coming. I knew something would happen, and I would face an emotional crisis. I knew I was going to feel things, and I think I'm doing a good job of confronting it right now.

My partner and I have yet to sleep together since I realized I'm poly, and we've been waiting for an opportunity to do so. Mostly just waiting on her cycle. Today, when she went to bed, I started my shift watching the kids. One of us has to be up with them. After a few minutes, I heard her talking to Pete. We have a small house, so it's hard to avoid. She was using her sexy voice.

Thump Thump! My heart pumped a wave of possessiveness and panic into my brain:

What is she doing in there?!

Thump Thump!

I'm still waiting for my turn!!

Thump Thump!

I need to put a stop to this!!

Thump Thump!
Thump Thump!
Thump Thump!

I nearly barged in! My mind raced.

I need to deal with this.
I need to feel this.
I need to talk about this.

I nearly barged in again!

No! That's just an excuse to assert my territory! But I need to talk about this! I cant think straight, and I feel like I'm surrounded by pitfalls!
 
Okay, just had a smoke. She grabbed one too, but she was still talking to Pete, so I didn't interrupt. I'm following up, because I don't want to feel like I'm just pushing this to the side. I still need to talk about this.

I had a dream last night. She was with another guy, and I was crying in the fetal position. I talked to her about it as soon as I woke up, and decided that I should have some guaranteed time for myself to go out, in addition to knowing what times are fair play for me to go out, spur-of-the-moment. It helped, but feelings in dreams tend to linger, however irrational.

I think that dream may have played a part in my reaction. I'm thinking of asking her to moderate her sexy voice with other guys, if I might overhear. At least for now.

I feel bad for asking her to restrict herself, especially this early in a new relationship. But I'm still working to retrain my emotional reactions, and a lot of that will require that me time we talked about securing for myself.

Just typing these words is helping, knowing that they will be read, knowing that I'll have a reason to revisit this feeling when I come back to read your advice.

Thanks!
 
I hope you feel better for airing that out.

I'm thinking of asking her to moderate her sexy voice with other guys, if I might overhear. At least for now.

I feel bad for asking her to restrict herself, especially this early in a new relationship. But I'm still working to retrain my emotional reactions, and a lot of that will require that me time we talked about securing for myself.
Click to expand...

That's the problem of living in a small home. One can hear all the things. I suppose you could make her aware that she can be overheard and ask if she's willing to talk quieter. And on your end? Go further away, use ear plugs, learn to give her some space. Presumably if you are poly eventually it will be you talking to another partner on the phone too, right?

You articulate the feelings of possesiveness and seemed to talk it down and step away from that emotional cliff.

Not so much the panic. There was just hints.

I'm still waiting for my turn!!

I had a dream last night. She was with another guy, and I was crying in the fetal position.
Click to expand...

I could be wrong but it sounds like the panic is coming out of a fear that you will be left out or left behind or something. Is that true?

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
could be wrong but it sounds like the panic is coming out of a fear that you will be left out or left behind or something. Is that true?
Click to expand...
I think so. I've been putting a lot of energy lately into making connections with new people. And I'm being very obvious about my amorous intent. I'm also sexually frustrated right now. Family life does that sometimes, and it just happens to have been sparse lately. I've been looking forward to the next time we can get laid! It feels like it will be the exclamation point at the end of my epiphany!

My feelings for her are so strong...

I don't want to hold her back. But until I get these responses under control, she's going to feel, in some way, reserved. The best way for me to get out of her way is to get back into me. And while that's certainly the best thing for me right now, I'm also aware that I'm partially motivated by wanting to make her happy.

Hi.
My name is Adam.
I am a recovering codependent.

I hope this doesn't cause my other developing relationships to be soured by my shallow motivations. I'm trying to be sincere, but maybe I'm trying too hard. I'm not sure.
 
I think headphones or earbuds are the answer. I’ve got these Bose noise canceling bluetooth ear buds that are phenomena. She could be on the phone right next to you and you wouldn’t hear it. Instead of trying to moderate how she speaks or the tones she uses maybe have her give you a heads up by saying time for you to go to the phones or buds pal. Cue for you to get your gear on and then just jump into your own little cone of silence.
 
FWIW, I have a set time of the week where I have a longer call with Puck, and wherein we might engage in amorous activity. When I am home, (my) Adam knows that that's a good time for headphones. If I'm going to grab other opportunities outside of that, it will be when I'm home alone.

Schedules are good. They help prevent surprise feels.
 
Earbuds are good advice. I'll be honest though, for a while, that's going to feel a little like ignoring a "problem," because it's a conditioned response that I still have to confront.

For all I know, she was using that voice ironically, but I immediately pictured her touching herself. And I responded to that. And so what if she was doing ... something. (I have no idea how LDR intimacy works!) I don't want to feel like walking in on that would be like "catching her red handed." Awkward, maybe, but I'd rather it feel like something I could laugh about later instead of just something I have to deal with. Do I still have another emotional epiphany coming? Or is this one just a matter of exercise?
 
Evie said:
FWIW, I have a set time of the week where I have a longer call with Puck, and wherein we might engage in amorous activity. When I am home, (my) Adam knows that that's a good time for headphones. If I'm going to grab other opportunities outside of that, it will be when I'm home alone.

Schedules are good. They help prevent surprise feels.
Click to expand...

how did/ does Adam “ know” this. Did he learn this from overhearing things like what’s happened here. Or was it suggested by you ? Self taught or instruction?
 
dingedheart said:
how did/ does Adam “ know” this. Did he learn this from overhearing things like what’s happened here. Or was it suggested by you ? Self taught or instruction?
Click to expand...
Because we talked about it a long time ago now (different partner with a different motivation) that he didn't want to overhear me.

And because I'm generally interacting with people in the US, those calls need to be scheduled for time zones anyway.

These days, it's probably less of a big deal for him. Our house is very small, so even between headphones and me being quiet (I tend to wear headphones too, during those calls, so Puck's voice doesn't fill the room), there's likely times he's heard something, although I am a lot more controlled in my vocalisations when I'm not alone. But really, it just becomes a new normal eventually.
 
dingedheart said:
Why not just assume she is touching herself and get it over with
Click to expand...
That's exactly the way in trying to see it.

When we started out with this, since I was the noob, we agreed that she would wait for me to be comfortable forming my own intimate relationships before she pursued any for herself. Once I started changing my thinking, I started wanting to encourage her to start being more free with herself. I told her I was counting on her to keep me from rushing anything. We had a plan for a reason, and I didn't want to accidentally hurt myself with my ambition.

At this point, she spends hours on end talking to him on the phone, they trade I-love-yous, laugh, make each other blush. It's all good feels! I'm still interested in finding time to spend with her myself. I keep encouraging her because I'm enjoying everything about this! I'm putting myself out here, and really excited about finding romance. But you see...

1. I'm already sexually frustrated.
2. I don't know how to have "sex" through video chat.
3. ... Pandemic.

I feel like I don't have access to an outlet for my own pining libido. And she does.
I can't get out of her emotional way fast enough, and it feels like she's already stepping past me anyway. I typing this as I feel it, so I don't even know if I'm making sense. I'm not going to edit or proofread, either. I'll leave this one raw.
 
Polycurious_Adam said:
Earbuds are good advice. I'll be honest though, for a while, that's going to feel a little like ignoring a "problem," because it's a conditioned response that I still have to confront.

For all I know, she was using that voice ironically, but I immediately pictured her touching herself. And I responded to that. And so what if she was doing ... something. (I have no idea how LDR intimacy works!) I don't want to feel like walking in on that would be like "catching her red handed." Awkward, maybe, but I'd rather it feel like something I could laugh about later instead of just something I have to deal with. Do I still have another emotional epiphany coming? Or is this one just a matter of exercise?
Click to expand...
Probably more exercise here.

And if you have talked about it and made a plan ahead of time, there's no reason you should accidentally walk in on her. So either she lets you know when that kind of call is likely to happen, or you find a grown up version of the sock on the dorm room doorknob.

I trust you will be afforded the same privacy when you are talking to people you can't just pop over and visit.
 
Last edited:
Polycurious_Adam said:
That's exactly the way in trying to see it.

When we started out with this, since I was the noob, we agreed that she would wait for me to be comfortable forming my own intimate relationships before she pursued any for herself. Once I started changing my thinking, I started wanting to encourage her to start being more free with herself. I told her I was counting on her to keep me from rushing anything. We had a plan for a reason, and I didn't want to accidentally hurt myself with my ambition.

At this point, she spends hours on end talking to him on the phone, they trade I-love-yous, laugh, make each other blush. It's all good feels! I'm still interested in finding time to spend with her myself. I keep encouraging her because I'm enjoying everything about this! I'm putting myself out here, and really excited about finding romance. But you see...

1. I'm already sexually frustrated.
2. I don't know how to have "sex" through video chat.
3. ... Pandemic.

I feel like I don't have access to an outlet for my own pining libido. And she does.
I can't get out of her emotional way fast enough, and it feels like she's already stepping past me anyway. I typing this as I feel it, so I don't even know if I'm making sense. I'm not going to edit or proofread, either. I'll leave this one raw.
Click to expand...
Sounds like she's very much in the throes of NRE. Yay her! But you might need to have a gentle word with her about carving out your date time together. You're the one here doing all the reading and learning...has she found any information on being a "good hinge"?

She could be supporting you in doing that emotional work by ensuring there is still balance and that the two of you do get that intimacy. Women's cycles don't stop everything sexual...

P.s. is there a nickname for her yet that I've missed somewhere? She/her is getting a little overused.
 
Evie said:
And if you have talked about it and made a plan ahead of time, there's no reason you should accidentally walk in on her.
Click to expand...
In the general case, I would agree. But this a new relationship for her, and I'm fine with her investing more time with him right now, especially spontaneous time.

I'm starting to think I actually do just need to go get laid! I've never been with a woman knowing that I have another. I don't know what that feels like!

Right now, I feel like I'm howling at the moon!
 
Evie said:
P.s. is there a nickname for her yet that I've missed somewhere? She/her is getting a little overused.
Click to expand...
I was considering Ms. Fisher!
 
If part of the problem is not having shared sex together in a while? Might have to expand what "sharing sex" means to you.

Have period sex. Not into period sex? Outercourse then -- maybe masturbate each other or watch each other masturbate, share sensual kissing or touching... be flexible. Could learn how do some phone sex or computer sex. Parenting can wear one out so you might have to make a date for sex share -- stay up later than the kids or get up earlier than the kids. Or put a movie on and grab a quickie -- though that depends on the age of the kids and then the small house noises issues. Parents have always had to figure that out one way or another.

For the codependent thing --maybe check out coda.org and think about online meetings?

As for having more than one lover.... it will come eventually. But you can't make it arrive faster than it does. YKWIM?

Galagirl
 
I do know what you mean. It won't stop my being eager for it, though.

I just had a chat with Jen, and she really helped me come down from the anxiety rush. I'll be more vocal with Ms. Fisher about my current appetite. I didn't want to interrupt her new relationship vibe, but that's codependence talking. F*** that noise, I want some lovin'!
 
Polycurious_Adam said:
Earbuds are good advice. I'll be honest though, for a while, that's going to feel a little like ignoring a "problem," because it's a conditioned response that I still have to confront.
Click to expand...

You're over-thinking it. I've been with my poly partner for almost a decade and never experience sexual jealousy myself--but NO WAY would I want to overhear him doing sexy talk (or any kind of private conversation) with his other partners.

If we lived together in a small space, I would absolutely have to soundproof myself somehow (headphones, white noise, etc) to give him privacy for talking to his other partners. That wouldn't be "ignoring a problem"--it would be finding an easy solution to a problem!

My view is that polyamory = giving partners space/time/freedom to connect with their other partners. It doesn't mean you have to be okay hearing your partner & her other partner getting sexy in the next room!

As for your sexual frustration, I hear you! My partner and I don't live together and didn't see each other during the first three months of the pandemic. My partner doesn't like video/chat sex--for him it's not sex at all. For me, it would be sex. But for him it just doesn't work, so we didn't do it. It was frustrating! But we got through it.
 
I am definitely overthinking it. I overthink everything. I can totally see your point about using buds to create a comfortable privacy barrier, I will do that. If jealousy is not a thing for you, then there is no problem to ignore. But I am a jealous person, and I refuse to ignore that right now!. The issue that I've been working through today has been my emotional reaction to the idea of what might have been happening behind closed doors. Even if she was two knuckles deep, it wouldn't be something I should have a negative reaction to, but I still did. I think my friends here did a good job helping me unpack it all, and I have a better idea of what I want again. Thank you all! 🥰
 
Evie said:
Because we talked about it a long time ago now (different partner with a different motivation) that he didn't want to overhear me.
Click to expand...
So you’re saying his knowledge or habit was born out a specific trigger for a specific person you were seeing at the time ?? I’m not sure I understand the different motivation part or how that would impact want to hear or not hear phone sex if things lead to that.


Evie said:
And because I'm generally interacting with people in the US, those calls need to be scheduled for time zones anyway.
Click to expand...
Yes that’s always fun ...I remember talking to clients in your country we had to factor 7 hrs as I recall.

Evie said:
These days, it's probably less of a big deal for him. Our house is very small, so even between headphones and me being quiet (I tend to wear headphones too, during those calls, so Puck's voice doesn't fill the room), there's likely times he's heard something, although I am a lot more controlled in my vocalisations when I'm not alone. But really, it just becomes a new normal eventually.
Click to expand...

Is there / has there been times when either of you wanted to use your phone or video chat as let’s say springboard into a sexual encounter with Adam ?

With this LDR thing PCadam he might be able to use this to his advantage. Just thinking out loud so to speak let say she spends an hr or 2 in some sort of cyber sex having ( ? ) orgasms , etc. IMO the foreplay and heavy lifting getting the right mood has already been done.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top