Hello, I found this site an two hours ago, but I was introduced to polyamory over a year ago and it's honestly been on my mind since, in many stages.
For starters, I'm 20, and bisexual, but I had never dated until right before the pandemic.
Well, I guess I didn't have romantic feelings for anyone, but I had been in "open relationships" with friends. But then College. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I kinda forced myself to be super in love with that first relationship. They seemed like everything I wanted, and my one hang-up was that they were polyamorous. Maybe it was less of them being polyamorous, and more of them not being jealous. There were so many other reasons it didn't work out, since it was barely a comfortable friendship, but I was excited. We're still friends now, but I only recently got over them.
For a time I had a very troubling view of poly because in my mind it made sense, this is something I knew would work and it's rational. But I had tied it all to the negative way that this relationship made me feel. I felt bad throughout this entire relationship, but I refrain from using the word 'toxic'. (but I liked the kissing...) So I joined the poly community on Reddit and followed Instagram pages, just so I could disassociate poly with that relationship.
After that, I entered an LDR with a girl, and it was very nice. Being with her stabilized all my other relationships and how I felt about myself, but in the beginning, I didn't talk much about polyamory as something I'm curious about, so it started as a simple, mono relationship. But there were moments that I really wanted to be with someone physically and tried to breach the subject of Polyamory. I thought, I don't have to ruin this really good thing! I can keep it and make more good things without giving up anything! I wanted to talk about it with her, but the words... it would've hurt her. She was great, amazing even, but emotionally young. But then we stopped talking every day. We both got busy over winter break, and conversations seemed to come to a stalemate, and we ended it, agreeing that we can still be friends because by all intents and purposes we had a very good friendship... We haven't spoken since. And I understand why tbh. I kept feelings from her, and I started to resent the relationship. We ended it before I hurt her, which was something I thought I'd do anyway.
So presently, I am on Tinder (and was on other apps), questioning what kind of relationship I want or need right now. I'm figuring out a lot about myself and trying to grow, but I've been very lonely. Because of school, family obligations, and the pandemic, the number of people I meet has decreased. I'm fairly active on Twitter, though. I haven't clicked with many people on Tinder (Tinder ppl like to ghost). There are a lot of polyamorous people in relationships, and I match with many whether it's explicitly in their bio or not. I wondered if this is the universe telling me I'm polyamorous.
And to be honest with myself, before I knew there was a word for it, I think I'm poly? I know I'm scared of commitment to the wrong people, and when I am with the right people (like with LDR girl) I like making more connections and seeing where those go. I'm also just scared that if I do come out as poly, how my family will see it, if my friends will think I'm just not over my first ex. And there is also the thought that I'm trying to BE like my ex, which scares me more, because then Who am I?
Sorry this is a novel, but thank you for being a great community!
For starters, I'm 20, and bisexual, but I had never dated until right before the pandemic.
Well, I guess I didn't have romantic feelings for anyone, but I had been in "open relationships" with friends. But then College. Being the hopeless romantic I am, I kinda forced myself to be super in love with that first relationship. They seemed like everything I wanted, and my one hang-up was that they were polyamorous. Maybe it was less of them being polyamorous, and more of them not being jealous. There were so many other reasons it didn't work out, since it was barely a comfortable friendship, but I was excited. We're still friends now, but I only recently got over them.
For a time I had a very troubling view of poly because in my mind it made sense, this is something I knew would work and it's rational. But I had tied it all to the negative way that this relationship made me feel. I felt bad throughout this entire relationship, but I refrain from using the word 'toxic'. (but I liked the kissing...) So I joined the poly community on Reddit and followed Instagram pages, just so I could disassociate poly with that relationship.
After that, I entered an LDR with a girl, and it was very nice. Being with her stabilized all my other relationships and how I felt about myself, but in the beginning, I didn't talk much about polyamory as something I'm curious about, so it started as a simple, mono relationship. But there were moments that I really wanted to be with someone physically and tried to breach the subject of Polyamory. I thought, I don't have to ruin this really good thing! I can keep it and make more good things without giving up anything! I wanted to talk about it with her, but the words... it would've hurt her. She was great, amazing even, but emotionally young. But then we stopped talking every day. We both got busy over winter break, and conversations seemed to come to a stalemate, and we ended it, agreeing that we can still be friends because by all intents and purposes we had a very good friendship... We haven't spoken since. And I understand why tbh. I kept feelings from her, and I started to resent the relationship. We ended it before I hurt her, which was something I thought I'd do anyway.
So presently, I am on Tinder (and was on other apps), questioning what kind of relationship I want or need right now. I'm figuring out a lot about myself and trying to grow, but I've been very lonely. Because of school, family obligations, and the pandemic, the number of people I meet has decreased. I'm fairly active on Twitter, though. I haven't clicked with many people on Tinder (Tinder ppl like to ghost). There are a lot of polyamorous people in relationships, and I match with many whether it's explicitly in their bio or not. I wondered if this is the universe telling me I'm polyamorous.
And to be honest with myself, before I knew there was a word for it, I think I'm poly? I know I'm scared of commitment to the wrong people, and when I am with the right people (like with LDR girl) I like making more connections and seeing where those go. I'm also just scared that if I do come out as poly, how my family will see it, if my friends will think I'm just not over my first ex. And there is also the thought that I'm trying to BE like my ex, which scares me more, because then Who am I?
Sorry this is a novel, but thank you for being a great community!