I'm sorry you struggle.
FWIW? This is what I think.
You might need to remind B that you are IN the system. You live there. You are a member of the triad. While the stuff between A+B is between THEM? There is going to be "ripple effects" on you. You are partner to both. So you are not like an outside observer.
- Part of "working this out" through these issues might be you having strong personal boundaries with both partners during conflict resolution times
- Could ask B to please not to vent stuff to you because it puts you in the middle. (And too much of that invites implosion.)
- Could suggest B seek someone OUTSIDE the system to vent and process with instead. Maybe they both want to see a counselor together or as individuals so they get extra support.
Just because you are partner to both? It doesn't mean you automatically have to be up for these "help me resolve conflict" or "support me in my break up" conversations because you are dating the person they are in conflict with or breaking up with! It will get hard to hear. You also don't have to be like the free therapist.
If they are doing "pass the buck" stress whooshies at you? You can say "Hold up there!" and enforce your personal boundaries.
Could comfort in, kvetch out.
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And remember you yourself may need some of that comforting. Esp if them arguing hurts ou too. Or them breaking up is going to lead to everyone single because you are not interested in being in a "V" with two exes.
You speak honestly.
"B, I cannot promised that I will stay in an exclusive relationship with you if you and A break up. You two breaking up would basically break up the triad. How it lands after that? What sort of shape it takes? I can't say yet. Too soon. I can reassure you that I love you, and I'm trying to the storm with you.
Maybe you both work something out or find a way to part gracefully. If you do break up? I have to think on whether I would want to be in a V with both of you, or one of you and a new person, or it goes to all of us single. We all have to think about that.
Let's take it one thing at a time here. It's a lot to process."
Some people have told me I'm intimidating or weird when I want to know ahead of time "How do you like to break up if we have to break up?" but things like this are exactly why. One is responsible for their own emergency preparedness so they don't have to pile on "catch up" conversations later while all distraught from a break up. I prefer to reduce my stress loads along the way and one way to do that is to have clear expectations from the start.
If you did not talk this out early on? How things would end if they have to end?
Then trying to catch it up now might be delicate.
You could resolve to speak your truth. Be honest.
And you spend some time thinking about WHEN the time is to speak and and HOW to speak.
Like if they are crying and venting in your lap? And the goal of that interaction is to LISTEN and COMFORT?
Then that would NOT be the best time to go "BTW... If this ends then I'm breaking up with you too." Because that is not listening nor comforting.
On the flip side, it's not kind to give false hope or sugar coat or prolong. And you have your own needs to meet.
So... even if you do not tell them THIS VERY MINUTE if they are sobbing in your lap?
Could make an appointment to have your own talk. And the goal of THAT interaction is to get on the same page with both partners about possible "ripple effects" of them breaking up. Esp if you prefer to bow out and call it triad ended, everyone single now. Lay out a clear expectation so you can do your OWN healing from all this turmoil.
- Def not in public. Have the conversation at home. If people get emotionally flooded, they usually don't like doing it at the grocery or while driving or whatever.
- Have the tissues and some water handy if people tend toward crying. Fidget things for the doodlers and fidgeters who need to move while talking.
- Prob not a work night. Doing it on Fri night gives them the weekend to rest and do some self care and not like "Crap! Now I have work the next day! UGH!"
- A timer to set for 20 min. Because people flood around 20 minutes and some conversations are best in installments with breaks to rest and get it back together than going for marathon things that poop everyone out. It doesn't take 20 minutes to say "I prefer to part ways." Hammering out details of splitting belongings and so on can be separate follow up conversations scheduled at another time.
- Might consider telling in a letter or email if you think you will crumble if you say it orally or get distracted or forget points.
Stuff like that.
Triad is one of the hardest models. I think if people go there? It needs to go suuuuuper slow.
In future, you might consider not moving in with people you date so soon. If you've only been dating them for a few months and here it is breaking up already? From your own flat, it would have affected you less and you'd have had time and space away from the arguments.
Next time might consider waiting out the 6-24 month NRE time, to see the new polyship really get on its legs well. And maybe even longer after that before thinking about cohabitation.
Then if things don't work out, it's not like you have to be moving in and out because you didn't move in as fast. And you aren't out the time, energy and expense of moving around.
HTH!
Galagirl
