Jealousy and Feelings of Intrusion

[Randomguy123]

To start there are several people involved in our polycule and most of us have been polyamorous for several years.

Recently I have been having feelings of jealousy and intrusion within my relationship, My partner began a new relationship (About 3 months ago) and I've felt that several situations have occurred causing the new relationship to intrude on our existing relationship and I'm unsure if I'm simply over-reacting to the entire situation or how to go about approaching the situation.

My metamour spends 2 nights a week at our house, both nights I am either working or with my other partner. I have been here on their date nights in the past and they often stayed up until 3-4am spending quality time together and having sex. While I have no issue with this they are still consistently staying up this late and the quality time I would spend with my partner usually follows the metamours overnight visits. My partner is often tired/drained during our quality time (Complaints about being sore from sex or just feeling overall tired.) Causing our time together to suffer. Prior to her new partner we would consistently spend an entire day together at least once a week to ensure quality time. Now we will semi-frequently skip being intimate or have short spurts of intimacy. (maybe 10-15 minutes of sex.) My feelings are essentially that our sex life has been reduced due to NRE and our quality time outside of intimacy has been reduced to conversations about her new partner. I'm feeling drained and we have a rule about not making comparisons between each others partners but they will spent 8-12 hours of one on one time together each night he stays over and I will be lucky to get 4-5 hours of one on one time with my partner in a week despite us living together.
We've tried to work out a more formal schedule but I feel like I'm being put on a back burner for her new partner and I'm not sure how to cope or talk to her about the situation without backlash. Any advice is welcome...

 

[Magdlyn]

I am assuming that despite her being an experienced polyamorist, her NRE is extra strong for her new interest? This hasn't happened before?

So you've talked about this: trying to set up a more formal schedule. And that is not working? You've told her you feel put on a back burner? Have you asked her to stop talking about her new interest to you?

NRE doesn't last forever, and sometimes the strongest NRE can lead to the quickest burn-out, but it is very important to regulate one's NRE so that previous partners do not feel neglected. Otherwise, you risk losing them altogether.

How do your discussions of this problem go? Is gf at all empathetic to you needs and requests? What is this "backlash?" Does she get angry and tell you, "Well, that's just your tough luck," or what?

 

[Randomguy123]

I am assuming that despite her being an experienced polyamorist, her NRE is extra strong for her new interest? This hasn't happened before?

So you've talked about this: trying to set up a more formal schedule. And that is not working? You've told her you feel put on a back burner? Have you asked her to stop talking about her new interest to you?

NRE doesn't last forever, and sometimes the strongest NRE can lead to the quickest burn-out, but it is very important to regulate one's NRE so that previous partners do not feel neglected. Otherwise, you risk losing them altogether.

How do your discussions of this problem go? Is gf at all empathetic to you needs and requests? What is this "backlash?" Does she get angry and tell you, "Well, that's just your tough luck," or what?

I am assuming that despite her being an experienced polyamorist, her NRE is extra strong for her new interest? This hasn't happened before?

So you've talked about this: trying to set up a more formal schedule. And that is not working? You've told her you feel put on a back burner? Have you asked her to stop talking about her new interest to you?

NRE doesn't last forever, and sometimes the strongest NRE can lead to the quickest burn-out, but it is very important to regulate one's NRE so that previous partners do not feel neglected. Otherwise, you risk losing them altogether.

How do your discussions of this problem go? Is gf at all empathetic to you needs and requests? What is this "backlash?" Does she get angry and tell you, "Well, that's just your tough luck," or what?

We have been together for almost a year and live together. Due to covid she hasnt dated anyone else prior to this for the duration of our relationship.

I tried to explain that I felt put on the back burner and it just upset her and she said it made her feel like I was just trying to interfere in her new relationship.

I feel backed into a corner on the issue. I get reassurance when I ask for it and time is available but I dont know how to directly face the issue because we arent supposed discuss things directly related to eachother partners and the topic of just requesting more/better quality time makes her feel pressured which isnt what I want.

 

[Magdlyn]

She's allowed to have her feelings. You don't need to back off from your understandable request for a bit more time, or more quality time, focused on the two of you, not on her and the new guy. You have legit feelings too. You (two) have a problem; you need a plan.

It sounds like she is letting her new bf intrude upon what you two had, which does happen in poly, of course. But she's already talking about him too much with you. You could do some waiting it out, if you want. But NRE can last for a good year. You can tell her you're trying to be patient, but your missing the better sex, and the better quality time. She can feel pressured, upset, whatever. Y'all need to come to a compromise before your relationship is damaged beyond repair.

 

[MeeraReed]

It sounds like you and your partner need regularly scheduled date time/quality time that is just as strictly scheduled and "sacred" as her time with her partner. And I guess it can't be on the day(s) after their dates, if she is tired and sore on those day. Maybe the day/night before instead?

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm unsure if I'm simply over-reacting to the entire situation

I'm coming to see the term "overreact" as completely useless. What it really means is I'm valuing someone else's opinion above my own, I'm reacting inappropriately or more than I should, according to whatever outside sources. In truth, my reaction is my reaction. I feel as I feel, based on my experiences and the information I have today. There's no "too much" about it, I feel what I feel. Things always go better when I can pin point how I feel and just feel it, with no apologies or tap dancing around whatever someone else might think is appropriate to feel. I can certainly come to a different feeling when I get more experience and more information, but for today, I feel what I feel. That is a much more emotionally healthy and solid foundation than worrying about whether I'm "overreacting" AKA wrong to have a feeling.

It's perhaps a minor point, but an essential one. Most of our troubles begin when we worry that how we are feeling is "wrong" just because someone else says so or tells us there's no reason to feel that way. Feel what you feel. And only then, move forward.

 

[GalaGirl]

We have been together for almost a year and live together. Due to covid she hasnt dated anyone else prior to this for the duration of our relationship.

So... she's all caught up in NRE and is a newbie hinge who is mismanaging her time?

I get reassurance when I ask for it and time is available but I dont know how to directly face the issue because we arent supposed discuss things directly related to eachother partners and the topic of just requesting more/better quality time makes her feel pressured which isnt what I want.

I'm not seeing any REST on the schedule you have going on right now.

And if you aren't supposed to discuss things directly related to each other's partners, why does she bring up the complaints about feelings sore from sex and tired from staying up late?

I think if she starts doing that, you could remind her you have an agreement not to bring stuff up from other partners. Keep that stuff on that side of the V.

Time spent with you is supposed to be about (you + her) right?

Not time with you is about (her talking about her other partner.)

My partner is often tired/drained during our quality time (Complaints about being sore from sex or just feeling overall tired.) Causing our time together to suffer.

You could ask if she's willing to look at her schedule to include times for REST.

You could ask her to not make date nights with you so soon after dates with her other partner if she's tired.

In your shoes? I would talk to her plain, and just put it out there. I think it is fair to tell a hinge partner "I am glad you are enjoying your other relationships. I'm concerned you are all caught up in NRE though, and maybe not balancing your time management. You seem to need more rest.

I'd like you to be well rested on our dates. Could you please be willing to look at your calendar and not have dates with me the day right after seeing your other partner? Put a day of rest in between?"

I know you risk not getting any time at all, but it's not sounding like the time you DO get is all that great.

You are not saying anything about her other relationship or how much time she spends on that. You are asking her to not schedule you back to back. Presumably she'd take the day in between to rest and get her other things caught up -- work, chores, etc.

You make the request. She either gets her time management better together or not.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

My partner is often tired/drained during our quality time (Complaints about being sore from sex or just feeling overall tired.) Causing our time together to suffer.

Try reframing the problem to see if another angle at it can be helpful. What I like to do is to remove sex and relationship obligation from the equation by using a friend instead.

Let's say you have a buddy, Jim, that you enjoy hanging out with, you are old friends who trust and respect each other, and you have a regular Thursday thing with them. Jim just got a new girlfriend and it seems to be interfering with your Thursday evening get together. The past few times he has shown up tired, a little hung over, and thoroughly distracted. You want to play Xbox and talk about the newest games, but all Jim wants to talk about is Claire... stupid Claire.

In that scenario, do you tell Jim "hey man, I feel like this new girl is interfering with the 'quality time' I get with you. I'm going to need you to...". What is it that you need Jim to do? What action specifically does he need to start taking, or stop taking? Do you expect him to adjust his schedule with his new girlfriend to meet your needs?

We get really twisted up about people we jam our genitals against, so I like to use a non-genital-smashing example to help get some clarity.

the topic of just requesting more/better quality time makes her feel pressured which isnt what I want.

I recommend you step away from discussing vague topics like "more/better quality time". I don't mean to suggest that you shouldn't discuss the topic with her, but I recommend you stick to something far more precise.

"Last time we hung out you were really tired and pretty distracted. I would like to maybe reschedule our date time so that it doesn't come on the heels of your outing with Todd", and "I know you are excited about Todd banging you against the wall, but I'm feeling a little insecure about that stuff at the moment so please don't include me in those stories for the time being, while I work through my own feelings of jealousy"

Precise requests give her the opportunity to understand exactly what you expect. When we use concepts like "quality time" we breed uncertainty and lots of assumptions are made.

Pro tip: when she goes through the usual process of apologizing, I want you to stop her immediately "don't apologize, you haven't done anything wrong, I just want to maximize my time with you so I am trying to build in success".​

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Randomguy123,

It sounds like you and your partner have structured your rules so that you can't talk about it when a new partner (and NRE) is interfering with the time the two of you spend together. I'm not sure that is a constructive rule, but even if it is, you could talk to her about what's bothering you without mentioning her new partner. "Honey, lately when you and I have been together, you've been sore, tired, and distracted. I need less time when that's the case, and more time when you can be 100% present with me. Can we reschedule our time together to facilitate that?" But, it sounds like you have tried to bring it up in that context, and she just gets mad/upset when you do. That kind of puts you in between a rock and a hard place, there is no way you can get what you want because you can't negotiate with her, and she won't work with you at all.

NRE is a powerful drug, sometimes it convinces us to treat some of our loved ones badly, in a way that is not characteristic of us. You can always wait for the NRE to go away, but that could take up to two or three years. Are you willing to wait that long? Bear in mind, her behavior may not improve even after the NRE goes away, especially if NRE isn't the sole cause of her behavior. Is something deeper amiss with your relationship? Is she experiencing a mid-life crisis of sorts? What other things might she be going through that would affect her attitudes or behaviors? Dig down to get to the root of the problem.

You are feeling jealousy and feelings of intrusion for a good reason. Your partner is neglecting you -- for whatever reason. Her new partner is just the reason that happens to be in that spot. You need to be able to tell her what you need, without her getting upset. I assume breaking up would be out of the question. Get a poly-friendly counselor, if you think that might help.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[breathemusic]

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to say "hey Partner, I'm not telling you how to spend your nights with your other partner, or asking you to spend fewer nights with said partner, but it's still very clear to me that you're allowing the choices you make on those nights (staying up super late) to impact the quality time that we then spend together the next night. I'm asking you to re-evaluate your choices and consider making some adjustments. If you and I stayed up so late every night before you say your other partner so that you were always exhausted when seeing him, I would imagine that he'd feel the same way. Please respect the quality of time that we have together and try to be mindful of how the choices in each relationship impacts the other relationship."

 

[MeeraReed]

I like Marcus' suggestion about imagining it as a friend scenario. I approach poly from a similar way--imagining each relationship as a friendship and the sex as something that it's normal for friends to do. I find this a helpful way to separate sexual jealousy from a logistical problem caused by multiple relationships.

I would suggest a slight variation in Marcus' framing: imagine your partner has taken up a new hobby with a friend, such as rock climbing. She stays up late at the rock gym and comes home tired and sore the next day. She's supposed to have a date with you, but she's too tired and sore to be fully present. And all she does is gush about how awesome rock climbing is.

It would be reasonable in that scenario to figure out a way to reschedule your dates so they don't fall on the day after rock climbing. It would also be reasonable to tell her that you're sick of hearing about rock climbing so much and would like to talk about other things when you spend time together.

 

[Randomguy123]

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to say "hey Partner, I'm not telling you how to spend your nights with your other partner, or asking you to spend fewer nights with said partner, but it's still very clear to me that you're allowing the choices you make on those nights (staying up super late) to impact the quality time that we then spend together the next night. I'm asking you to re-evaluate your choices and consider making some adjustments. If you and I stayed up so late every night before you say your other partner so that you were always exhausted when seeing him, I would imagine that he'd feel the same way. Please respect the quality of time that we have together and try to be mindful of how the choices in each relationship impacts the other relationship."

Initially our time together was the day before their second weekly night together. When thos was the case she would often go to sleep early or we wouldnt do anythong at all because she wanted to be well rested for her dates with him. Weve tried doing the rescheduling thing but with everyones schedules our current day together cant be moved to a different day.

Also in regards to the "you're always sore/tired subject" that would be deemed interference because she will view it as me trying to control her sex life. (This subject has come up before)

I feel stuck in a place with no way to communicate about my mental health and I know some people said it's okay for her to feel pressured when I discuss the situation with her but last time she felt pressured we didnt have any form of intimacy for 4-5 weeks.

Also she doesnt apologize anytime these subjects come up. She just tells me that shes trying her best and its just hard on her right now so I feel guilt around even the existence of this post.

 

[GalaGirl]

Initially our time together was the day before their second weekly night together. When thos was the case she would often go to sleep early or we wouldnt do anythong at all because she wanted to be well rested for her dates with him. Weve tried doing the rescheduling thing but with everyones schedules our current day together cant be moved to a different day.

She doesn't think she needs to be well rested for time with you?

Is she taking you for granted because you live together?

Also in regards to the "you're always sore/tired subject" that would be deemed interference because she will view it as me trying to control her sex life. (This subject has come up before)

How are you interfering if you tell her you prefer not to hear TMI details? I don't get it.

She can keep on sharing sex with him as much as she wants. Even to the point of her being sore.

She could also respect that you don't want to hear TMI sex details about her choice to do that.

Or is her expectation that you HAVE to be up for hearing everything and anything any time she wants? Regardless of what YOU feel like doing right then?

I feel stuck in a place with no way to communicate about my mental health and I know some people said it's okay for her to feel pressured when I discuss the situation with her but last time she felt pressured we didnt have any form of intimacy for 4-5 weeks.

Like acting out at you because you were up front and honest about your mental health? Using sex or witholding sex as a means to punish you ro get even or something? What do you mean here?

Also she doesnt apologize anytime these subjects come up. She just tells me that shes trying her best and its just hard on her right now so I feel guilt around even the existence of this post.

So... aren't you trying your best too?

• What is her suggestion for solving the issue of her showing up tired to dates with you?
• Or her not oversharing TMI details about sex with her other partner at you?

To me they don't sound like a big deal. She could exercise some self control.

• Get some rest before any dates with any partner.
• Don't blab TMI sex details related to one partner to the other partner.

What are the obstacles to her doing this? Is she able to articulate? Like... doesn't she does these things already when she goes to work? Like not stay up all night before work the next day because that would affect her work day if she shows up all tired and draggy? Not blab inappropriate things to coworkers from the sky?

If she can manage that at work... what makes it a big deal in this context that she can't manage it here?

On your end... why do you feel guilty for having thoughts and feelings of your own? I could be wrong but you sound kinda tangled up in her emotions.

Like maybe both of you could work on your personal boundaries with each other?

Mostly it sounds like bad manners to me. Like if you didn't live together and were dating...

And she kept showing up to dates tired and draggy and complaining about other people... what would make that a great date to you?

So why's it ok to do to a nesting partner?

Galagirl