Entry 6:
Oh, man, it has been an interesting week. First things first: I think I am overcoming a lot of my jealousy. Not saying it's all going to be smooth sailing, but I'm in a
much better place than I was 6 months ago. Oddly enough, here's what did the trick: I drastically lowered my expectations of my wife, whom I will henceforth call Rachel; and I drastically increased my expectations for myself.
I won't go over the full history, but long story short, Rachel tried to get us to open up, but in my opinion did not take my own needs and feelings into account, and was focused on avoiding conflict or discomfort, or guilt, rather than figuring out what I needed from her to make this work. (this was over the last 7 months). I freaked out, thought things were happening outside of my control, got jealous, angry, etc. We were entering poly hell.
Well here's where I've come to: If Rachel is not able to attend to my emotional needs and communicate with me effectively about this issue, I'm going to have to strongly explore whether that is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Now, I am not talking about starting divorce proceedings. I'm really just reframing the situation: Rather than me desperately trying to hold onto her and make sure she doesn't abandon me (the panicked jealousy phase); I am going to think like this:
a. Rachel is a great person, great mom, and a good friend.
b. She has disappointed me on a number of occasions about whether she can give me what I need in the relationship.
c. There are other women out there who might be able to give me what I need (and also receive what I can give, of course); and actually want someone who likes to talk, process feelings, address concerns head-on, and practice non-violent communication.
d. So rather than try to frantically convince her to change her tune, I'm going to just reiterate what I need, tell her the ball is in her court, and see what happens.
The outcome of this thought process is that I don't feel like I'm in the vulnerable situation anymore. She is actually in the vulnerable situation, because she's disappointed me and needs to regain my trust and confidence, and I am going to wait until I feel clear that that is possible.
Meanwhile, I think this: Lots of women
want men who are sensitive; thoughtful; able to process difficult emotions and conflict; don't get defensive and avoidant. I think there are a lot of women (poly or single and monogamous) who would be interested in me. So again, I'm not in the vulnerable position, like I thought.
Well, this way of thinking has really improved my mood through all of this, and my sense of being in control.
I am also reaching out to people more. I haven't had the energy to make my OKC profile live, but I've been working on reaching out to people more - both for friendships, and potential romantic possibilities. It's a bit tricky as a guy, since most women I know seem to be monogamous and are in relationship, but I just found out a friend of a friend might be poly so I suggested a walk. And I'm feeling pretty good about that, whether she says no (no biggie), or yes, and whether she becomes a friend (yay) or a girlfriend (yay!!!).
There's more to the week - there was a minor but symbolically meaningful breach in trust on Rachel's part, which was disappointing and frankly lowered my expectations of her. Maybe I'll go into that in my next entry.
Any thoughts are welcome! And thanks for reading.
Arc = me; probably serially monogamous our ethically non-monogamous
Rachel = Arc's wife, full on poly down to the genetic level