how to set boundaries, new to this

F

frogandfriends

New member
i am 18F, and have a girlfriend (M) of 11mo who's 17 (legal age in my area is 16 so don’t worry) and i recently realized that i want more than just a monogamous relationship. i told her, and she seemed reluctantly interested.
(for background, there is a discord server where i have many friends from the school i go to (she doesn't go to the same school), and i was talking to them about how to approach the subject for a while because a lot of them are in open relationships. there have been a few of them who have indirectly or directly flirted with me before, and to say i'm not a little interested is a lie.)
so after i told her i thought i might be more into non-monogamy, she went to bed (it was over text and late, and she was tired). the next day, i was hanging out with said friends from the discord server. we were walking around an area close to me, and we decided to sit down near a local skatepark. that's when one of the people (J, 19F) who was in an open relationship and had flirted with me before came up to me and sat down next to me and we had this exchange:

J: hey
Me: hey J
J: so has your girlfriend said whether you can kiss me yet?
Me: *mildly freaking out because that's very direct* um, well, we talked about it last night but we haven't set boundaries yet because she went to bed. we said we'd talk about it tomorrow.
J: well, it's tomorrow isn't it?
Me: yeah, i guess. let me text her real quick.

so i took out my phone and told M what just happened and asked if i could kiss J, and she responded with "If you want to you can", and i did want to... so i did.
after i got back from hanging out with my friends, M texted me and we talked a little, and she said that she didn't mind but she didn't really want to share me, and i told her that i cared about her and had a much deeper connection with her than with my FWB and that she would always be my number one.
i realized we'd moved a bit fast and that we should have talked about this in person, and apologized for putting her on the spot. we had a long conversation on the phone where we both seemed rational and fine, and then i went to bed feeling content.
anyway, despite that slight lapse of judgement, i want to try this open relationship thing, does anyone have any tips on how to set boundaries
(so far the ones i can think of would be 1. no kissing or being intimate with people we haven't already discussed, 2. nothing beyond kissing, hugging, making out yet, 3. don't do anything with anyone else that you haven't already done with the other person in the relationship, 4. [we need to decide whether to tell each other when we're going to be kissing other people or whether it would be better if neither of us really knew])
also, how to make the other person feel confident that they're your number one and get rid of any feelings of jealousy? i think i would be perfectly fine with M kissing or making out with other girls as long as i feel my needs are being met, but i worry that M may become jealous. thoughts?
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Some of these rules do not account for in the moment lust. You could be setting yourselves up for failure. What you can promise is to be forthcoming and kind with each other regardless of what you do with others.
Click to expand...
oh, yeah, that's true. i can see where you're coming from on this one. i think maybe just the boundary of "don't do anything we haven't done with each other" might be good to make sure that M doesn't feel like i have deeper connections with these people and do stuff with them i don't with her.
 
I think you could ask M if she's actually up for open relationship or not.

Because if she's not, and just doing stuff to avoid a break up? That's kinda dragging things out. Then instead of single load upset (a break up) it ends up being double load or more (doing stuff she really doesn't want to be doing, dragging out, then the break up.)

If her personality leans that way where she does whatever to avoid a break up even if it is hurting her? As hinge you might have to keep a sharp eye. Because sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let go. Rather than allow dragging on and on and on.

A personal boundary is something you set for yourself that you obey to help keep you safe.

I think you mean "agreements."

Agreements could be around safer sex practices. And what is "News" and what's "too many TMI details."

1. no kissing or being intimate with people we haven't already discussed,
2. nothing beyond kissing, hugging, making out yet,
3. don't do anything with anyone else that you haven't already done with the other person in the relationship,
4. [we need to decide whether to tell each other when we're going to be kissing other people or whether it would be better if neither of us really knew])
Click to expand...

Could it just be assumed that if one of you dates other people, these sorts of activities are going to happen sooner or later? What is the purpose of monitoring them like some kind of play-by-play? This kind of thing might be TMI. And set up a situation where you compare/compete with the new people. Why be "gatekeeping?" It also doesn't take into account that people are ready and consent to activities when they are ready and consent.

Say Person A is ready for kissing or oral sex. You and partner A can't pursue this activity on that side because B isn't ready for sharing kissing and oral sex with you on this side?

might be good to make sure that M doesn't feel like i have deeper connections with these people and do stuff with them i don't with her.
Click to expand...

Why is it bad to do different things with people? What if M likes to hike but future partner B likes to bake? M is gonna get pissed you bake with B and not with her even though she doesn't like baking? B is gonna get pissed that you hike with M even though B doesn't like hiking?

And what is wrong with deep connections with more than one person?

Everything has to be "even" and "Tit for Tat?" I get you trying to keep it "equal" like that in an attempt to avoid jealousy.

But perhaps thinking about what is "fair" is better.
  • It is fair for everyone to decide for themselves what they are and are not up for.
  • It is fair for each person to do their own emotional management. You don't have to do it for them.
  • It is fair to allow each side to develop at the pace THAT side feels good at.
  • It is fair to use safer sex practices in all your interactions.
Rather than trying to manage the whole world "out there" it's a lot easier for people to agree to check in and say....

"Have there been any new people since the last time you and I shared sex? Were safer sex practices used?"

Then you each can decide if you want to share sex together again or not from a place of full info and watch out for your own sex health hygiene.

At the same time, it doesn't block the other person from spontaneous encounters. Then you don't have to do odd calls or texts to check in to "get permission" because M might not want to be put in the role of your "gatekeeper." Or you hers. Or partner B annoyed you can't think and answer for yourself because you always have to go running to M to obtain "permission from the gatekeeper." Is this open relationship or not?

That gatekeeping thing is a good way to build resentments.

how to make the other person feel confident that they're your number one and get rid of any feelings of jealousy?
Click to expand...

Not your job to make people feel or not feel things. They just feel what they feel.

And what happens when primary-secondary model wears out? Maybe you end up wanting two co-primaries. Then what? Have you thought about open models enough?

You can read a little about jealousy here.


kathylabriola.com - JEALOUSY FIRST AID

“First Aid” for Jealousy: Know Your Jealousy Pie Chart from The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse, Introduction: What are you experiencing when you are jealous? Jealousy can include any or all of the following: anger and rage fear and even terror, betrayal anxiety or
sites.google.com sites.google.com

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
sites.google.com sites.google.com

i think i would be perfectly fine with M kissing or making out with other girls as long as i feel my needs are being met, but i worry that M may become jealous. thoughts?
Click to expand...

Well, could ask M what her needs are so she can feel good about participating in an open relationship. But if the bottom line is that she doesn't want to do open relationship at all?

Then best you part ways peacefully rather than square peg round hole. Not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner.

You may want to do some reading.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

sites.google.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
sites.google.com sites.google.com

They are broken on the site but available with wayback machine

In case they help you... all the sheets.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

I've also given this link

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

and this book to all my kids.

S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties​


HTH!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Welcome!

So you and M and the other person you kissed are all girls/women? Are you all quite definitely sure you're lesbians at age 17-18? What if one of you wants to kiss (or have sex with) a guy, a non-binary person, or a transguy?

In polyamory, each person is autonomous. Polyamory is a feminist concept. Every woman has the right to do what she wants with her own body, with whomever she desires (with their informed consent, of course).

"Going steady" as a teen is common. But also, teens don't tend to meet and date and have sex and stay faithful for long, much less "forever." It sounds like you've promised M she will be your most-loved person "forever." That's romantic, and that's what movies and TV tell us is the right thing to say, but is it entirely honest? Is it practical?

It's not uncommon, and it's healthy, to sample several people before you commit to one person forever. Polyamory is becoming more and more common with people of all ages. It can be difficult to do as a teen because you are still getting to know your own self, and may not have the world's best communication skills. (Lots of older people don't either, of course, but they have had more years to try, or to get counseling, etc.)

GG posted some great links. I'm sure they will help you.
 
Magdlyn said:
In polyamory, each person is autonomous.
Click to expand...

Autonomy is a concept that varies from person to person, and polyamory is no different. Autonomy is a central concept in any associations I have, but it is a concept that is a secondary concern at best for other people.

These statements of absolute finality should be dismissed, as no one person gets to define what "polyamory" is. There are some general concepts that are assumed to be in polyamorous relationships, like they *can* involve love/romance with more than one person at the same time, but the rest is going to vary depending on who you are talking to.

Please keep this in mind when you hear people like this trying to dictate what polyamory is. It's a lot of things and a difficult concept to box in (not sure why you'd want to).

Magdlyn said:
Polyamory is a feminist concept. Every woman has the right to do what she wants with her own body, with whomever she desires (with their informed consent, of course).
Click to expand...

Please note that this person does not speak for polyamory. This sort of "one true poly" -ism is very common in groups like this, and I want to be clear that this person doesn't speak for me nor any polyamory collective that I am aware of.

GalaGirl said:
A personal boundary is something you set for yourself that you obey to help keep you safe.

I think you mean "agreements."
Click to expand...

Listen to your friend GalaGirl here, everything she presented is valid and should be given serious consideration.

Some people have these types of "rules of engagement", and some don't. For me, I would find it laughable for someone to give me a list of behaviors I can and can't take part in. I am in the camp of autonomy, so a list of rules I need to adhere to don't apply and would be summarily dismissed.

To illustrate, one of my big boundaries is "I decide the nature of my relationships, no one has the authority to interfere with one of my other relationships". That is a hard boundary and any attempts to monitor, hinder, or otherwise involve oneself in any of my other relationships will be met with my adjusting the nature of that association. It is a boundary as opposed to a set of rules of engagement because it doesn't dictate how another person needs to behave in their life outside of my direct involvement. They don't need to check in with me for permission for anything, they don't need to refer to the "what would Marcus do" list, and they are completely free to live their lives in the manner they see fit. Boundaries, as your friend GalaGirl clarified, are about what sorts of behaviors you will allow that impact you directly. The distinction can be a bit muddled, but it's a valuable concept to consider.

frogandfriends said:
i realized we'd moved a bit fast and that we should have talked about this in person, and apologized for putting her on the spot. we had a long conversation on the phone where we both seemed rational and fine, and then i went to bed feeling content.
Click to expand...

Personally I think the whole thing is moving a bit fast. My personal recommendation would be to get you to take a deep breath and give yourself a break about what ruleset you want to agree to. If you are in a state of flux and you're not 100% sure what you do or do not want to commit to, then just say that and don't let anyone pressure you into diving one direction or another.

Live your life, be honest about how you are feeling and what your current interests are, be compassionate to your fellows but don't let their issues be YOUR issues.
 
Hello frogandfriends,

The rules you are thinking of setting sound fine to me; as for the fourth rule (whether to tell each other when you're going to be kissing other people) is something you and M should decide together after you talk about it with each other. Actually the two of you should discuss all four of the rules you were thinking of, to make sure both of you are in agreement before making the rules official.

What concerns me, though, is that M said to you that she doesn't want to share you. That goes against the very definition of polyamory, and of consensual nonmonogamy in general. You seem to be anticipating that M will be willing to share you sometime in the future. What does M think of that, does she think that she will eventually change her mind about sharing you? You might want to talk with her about that.

You may be thinking that if you can just make M feel confident that she's your number one, and if you can just get rid of any feelings of jealousy she may have, then she'll change her mind and start to feel okay about sharing you. But I don't have many ideas about how you can do this. You can of course reassure M that she is your number one, and continue to sometimes repeat that reassurance to her.

The others here have gave good advice.
I hope we can continue to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
I think you could ask M if she's actually up for open relationship or not.

Because if she's not, and just doing stuff to avoid a break up? That's kinda dragging things out. Then instead of single load upset (a break up) it ends up being double load or more (doing stuff she really doesn't want to be doing, dragging out, then the break up.)

If her personality leans that way where she does whatever to avoid a break up even if it is hurting her? As hinge you might have to keep a sharp eye. Because sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let go. Rather than allow dragging on and on and on.

A personal boundary is something you set for yourself that you obey to help keep you safe.

I think you mean "agreements."

Agreements could be around safer sex practices. And what is "News" and what's "too many TMI details."



Could it just be assumed that if one of you dates other people, these sorts of activities are going to happen sooner or later? What is the purpose of monitoring them like some kind of play-by-play? This kind of thing might be TMI. And set up a situation where you compare/compete with the new people. Why be "gatekeeping?" It also doesn't take into account that people are ready and consent to activities when they are ready and consent.

Say Person A is ready for kissing or oral sex. You and partner A can't pursue this activity on that side because B isn't ready for sharing kissing and oral sex with you on this side?



Why is it bad to do different things with people? What if M likes to hike but future partner B likes to bake? M is gonna get pissed you bake with B and not with her even though she doesn't like baking? B is gonna get pissed that you hike with M even though B doesn't like hiking?

And what is wrong with deep connections with more than one person?

Everything has to be "even" and "Tit for Tat?" I get you trying to keep it "equal" like that in an attempt to avoid jealousy.

But perhaps thinking about what is "fair" is better.
  • It is fair for everyone to decide for themselves what they are and are not up for.
  • It is fair for each person to do their own emotional management. You don't have to do it for them.
  • It is fair to allow each side to develop at the pace THAT side feels good at.
  • It is fair to use safer sex practices in all your interactions.
Rather than trying to manage the whole world "out there" it's a lot easier for people to agree to check in and say....

"Have there been any new people since the last time you and I shared sex? Were safer sex practices used?"

Then you each can decide if you want to share sex together again or not from a place of full info and watch out for your own sex health hygiene.

At the same time, it doesn't block the other person from spontaneous encounters. Then you don't have to do odd calls or texts to check in to "get permission" because M might not want to be put in the role of your "gatekeeper." Or you hers. Or partner B annoyed you can't think and answer for yourself because you always have to go running to M to obtain "permission from the gatekeeper." Is this open relationship or not?

That gatekeeping thing is a good way to build resentments.



Not your job to make people feel or not feel things. They just feel what they feel.

And what happens when primary-secondary model wears out? Maybe you end up wanting two co-primaries. Then what? Have you thought about open models enough?

You can read a little about jealousy here.


kathylabriola.com - JEALOUSY FIRST AID

“First Aid” for Jealousy: Know Your Jealousy Pie Chart from The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse, Introduction: What are you experiencing when you are jealous? Jealousy can include any or all of the following: anger and rage fear and even terror, betrayal anxiety or
sites.google.com sites.google.com

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is
sites.google.com sites.google.com



Well, could ask M what her needs are so she can feel good about participating in an open relationship. But if the bottom line is that she doesn't want to do open relationship at all?

Then best you part ways peacefully rather than square peg round hole. Not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner.

You may want to do some reading.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

sites.google.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
sites.google.com sites.google.com

They are broken on the site but available with wayback machine

In case they help you... all the sheets.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

I've also given this link

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

and this book to all my kids.

S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties​


HTH!
Galagirl
Click to expand...
first of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for such an in depth and explanatory response. this is really helpful, and i think i'm gonna read it over again.

me and her are yet to talk in person but we have a date set tomorrow where hopefully we will go over boundaries and how to make it work more. i don't really know too much about this yet, so my boundaries were a little bit too strict (not exactly the right word, but you get the gist, i hope).

i wanna make sure that i talk to her to make sure i know her needs and we can figure out how to meet them. I'm really hopeful that this will make our relationship better if it does work out, in any case, this is not a "we are about to break up" scenario and i am confident that if M feels uncomfortable or insecure with my having brought this up she will voice her concerns, as our relationship is pretty solid at the current moment.

again, thank you for this response, and hopefully i will have an update after we talk tomorrow.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello frogandfriends,

The rules you are thinking of setting sound fine to me; as for the fourth rule (whether to tell each other when you're going to be kissing other people) is something you and M should decide together after you talk about it with each other. Actually the two of you should discuss all four of the rules you were thinking of, to make sure both of you are in agreement before making the rules official.

What concerns me, though, is that M said to you that she doesn't want to share you. That goes against the very definition of polyamory, and of consensual nonmonogamy in general. You seem to be anticipating that M will be willing to share you sometime in the future. What does M think of that, does she think that she will eventually change her mind about sharing you? You might want to talk with her about that.

You may be thinking that if you can just make M feel confident that she's your number one, and if you can just get rid of any feelings of jealousy she may have, then she'll change her mind and start to feel okay about sharing you. But I don't have many ideas about how you can do this. You can of course reassure M that she is your number one, and continue to sometimes repeat that reassurance to her.

The others here have gave good advice.
I hope we can continue to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
yeah, i think that's true, and i want to talk with her in more depth about this. she only briefly said it, and has said some other things that make me think she could be open to it, if i can help settle her jealousy. i am not sure though, because it can be hard to accurately communicate with people over text, and when i see her tomorrow i will talk more in depth of course. other people have brought up the same concern, so that could be true. thank you for this response, though.
 
Glad it helped you some.

You might skip having serious conversations over text. You miss voice inflection, body language, etc that way. Ok to text to make an appointment to talk, but do the actual talking NOT over text.

You might want to think about your personal boundaries. And ask M what they have for theirs.

Ex:
  • I will not share sex with people who don't use safer sex practices. (That helps keep your own sex health safer.)
  • I am in charge of my consent to participate or not participate in things. I can withdraw consent any time. (That helps keep you safe from people pressuring you into doing things you don't want.)
  • I have a limit of ___ on second chances. People make mistakes, and we can try to work things out, but it's also not going to be 50, 500, 5,000 second chances over the same thing over and over. (This helps keep you safe from chronic drama or being a doormat. Whatever number you pick for second chances? Have a reasonable limit.)
Then you might want to talk about shared agreements. If they suggest agreements that you do not agree to keep, find unreasonable, or irrational, it is ok to say up front "No, thanks. I do not agree to keep that one." Also ok to ask "What is this agreement for? What is the purpose? Can it be met another way?"

Ex:
  • We both agree to use safer sex practices with all encounters.
  • We both agree things like _____ we need to know. Things like ______ is TMI. Things like ____ have to be determined case by case.
  • We both agree no dating underage/minors.
  • We both agree no dating each other's "messy people" like partner's relatives, boss, roomies, best friend. There's enough people to date without going right for those who'd make a mess if things go wahoonie. (Would prob be weird if M started dating both you and your parents, right?)
  • If this doesn't work out and we have to break up.... we agree to break up like THIS and do it respectfully.
It may sound counterintuitive, but people who can calmly talk about how to end things respectfully do better at staying together or get to have decent break ups because the respect is there. It is less likely to be crazy town break ups.

You can talk about soft limits that that are "No for now, but could change over time" and hard limits that are "Nope. Will not change no matter what because those are dealbreakers."

  • Soft limit example: I'm not keen on anyone dating a kid's teacher. Once our children are out of that school? Then maybe ok, but NOT while the person is the kid's active teacher. That can get weird.

  • Hard limit dealbreaker: Don't date kids/minors. That's just gross to me.
You also don't need to have this conversation like one big marathon. It's ok to take it in installments. Take some time to read material on your own or together.

GG
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
Glad it helped you some.

You might skip having serious conversations over text. You miss voice inflection, body language, etc that way. Ok to text to make an appointment to talk, but do the actually talking NOT over text.

GG
Click to expand...
yes, i agree, and my friend said the same thing.
 
GalaGirl said:
Glad it helped you some.

You might skip having serious conversations over text. You miss voice inflection, body language, etc that way. Ok to text to make an appointment to talk, but do the actual talking NOT over text.

You might want to think about your personal boundaries. And ask M what they have for theirs.

Ex:
  • I will not share sex with people who don't use safer sex practices. (That helps keep your own sex health safer.)
  • I am in charge of my consent to participate or not participate in things. I can withdraw consent any time. (That helps keep you safe from people pressuring you into doing things you don't want.)
  • I have a limit of ___ on second chances. People make mistakes, and we can try to work things out, but it's also not going to be 50, 500, 5,000 second chances over the same thing over and over. (This helps keep you safe from chronic drama or being a doormat. Whatever number you pick for second chances? Have a reasonable limit.)
Then you might want to talk about shared agreements. If they suggest agreements that you do not agree to keep, find unreasonable, or irrational, it is ok to say up front "No, thanks. I do not agree to keep that one." Also ok to ask "What is this agreement for? What is the purpose? Can it be met another way?"

Ex:
  • We both agree to use safer sex practices with all encounters.
  • We both agree things like _____ we need to know. Things like ______ is TMI. Things like ____ have to be determined case by case.
  • We both agree no dating underage/minors.
  • We both agree no dating each other's "messy people" like partner's relatives, boss, roomies, best friend. There's enough people to date without going right for those who'd make a mess if things go wahoonie. (Would prob be weird if M started dating both you and your parents, right?)
  • If this doesn't work out and we have to break up.... we agree to break up like THIS and do it respectfully.
It may sound counterintuitive, but people who can calmly talk about how to end things respectfully do better at staying together or get to have decent break ups because the respect is there. It is less likely to be crazy town break ups.

You can talk about soft limits that that are "No for now, but could change over time" and hard limits that are "Nope. Will not change no matter what because those are dealbreakers."

  • Soft limit example: I'm not keen on anyone dating a kid's teacher. Once our children are out of that school? Then maybe ok, but NOT while the person is the kid's active teacher. That can get weird.

  • Hard limit dealbreaker: Don't date kids/minors. That's just gross to me.
You also don't need to have this conversation like one big marathon. It's ok to take it in installments. Take some time to read material on your own or together.

GG
Click to expand...
for personal boundaries, i think what you said is good for me (my number of second chances is 3), and my ideas for agreements are
don’t engage with messy people (best friends, parents, exes, etc)
safe sex practices
no dating under 16 and a half or so
i would like to know who M is engaging with but i don't need a play by play of all events or for her to ask permission every single time (unless she wants to tell me and i feel like hearing it) - also i would like her to talk to me if she ever wants to start engaging with a new person, so i can be aware of it
respectful break up (if we break up)

i might think of more, and i'll have to ask her what she thinks, but i think it's a good start
 
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