New Here + to Poly.

MistressSapiosexual

MistressSapiosexual

New member
Hello all!
My spouse (28) and myself (31), have been married for five years, best friends for far longer, and have known each other since high school. In brief, the last three years our marriage has been what many are familiar with, a "dead marriage". We live more like roommates and best friends, not like spouses or intimate partners at this point. For the last six months we have been discussing both exploring poly styled relationship and an open marriage with each other, have established a few boundaries, and a few reasons as to why we we are seeking to explore this. It's as much the situation of he has sexual needs and desires, whereas I am asexual, and without consistent intellectually stimulating conversation, and without a deep and passionate spiritual and psychological connection with someone, my sexual intimacy and sexual desire is literally non-existent in any aspect. And yes, he is still very much attracted to me, that has never been an issue. Just as it is that we find ourselves wanting different futures, having different career goals, and he isn't genuinely wanting to be a part of my occupation, as I am a part of supporting his; to summarize, different needs, desires we have and we need met, and cannot meet them for each other, so we want to try something different, and explore to find what will suit us best both as a couple and individually.
I am very much an asexual, biromantic (NOT bisexual), sapiosexual, bdsm switch.
My spouse is very much straight, male, dominant, but not active in the bdsm lifestyle really, he does some kink simply for me.
I joined on here to learn more about the different poly styled relationships, to ask questions, to learn from those who have and are living both in these lifestyles and relationships. And while I have learned it is different for everyone, just as bdsm is different from couple to couple, experience is still helpful when you begin learning and exploring, and starting to have this style relationship within your life.
And for those who have experience with maintaining discretion and privacy and keeping things low-key for a poly/open marriage, definitely looking to learn more about how to effectively do this, as due to our occupations this is absolutely necessary for now at least.
Hope this intro works :).
 
Howdy and welcome. Discretion, yup it can be interesting. Used to be GF was 1000 miles away. Now 15. It is awesome-but. We hold hands in some places, others not. I live two lives. Each lady knows and are friends. They also give the other space.

It is hard to say there is one way. Depends on where you live, population, and time together.

Best wishes.
 
Welcome,

Your post was a little confusing, but what I am hearing is that you and your husband have grown apart, and don't have quite enough in common to continue to be married, or at least, your marriage agreements are outdated and need a huge reconfiguring.

- You're kinky, he's not
- He is sexual, you're not
- You and he have conflicting career goals
- You're bi, he's straight

To top it off, if you wanted to stay married, you'd have to request your hypothetical new partners keep your relationships a deep, dark secret.

You can add more information about why you want to stay married, if you do. But from here, it seems like you could get divorced and be happier.
 
Magdlyn said:
Welcome,

Your post was a little confusing, but what I am hearing is that you and your husband have grown apart, and don't have quite enough in common to continue to be married, or at least, your marriage agreements are outdated and need a huge reconfiguring.

- You're kinky, he's not
- He is sexual, you're not
- You and he have conflicting career goals
- You're bi, he's straight

To top it off, if you wanted to stay married, you'd have to request your hypothetical new partners keep your relationships a deep, dark secret.

You can add more information about why you want to stay married, if you do. But from here, it seems like you could get divorced and be happier.
Click to expand...
We've discussed divorce in the past, so you mentioning it really doesn't shock me.
However, there are factors as to why I haven't done exactly that, and he's aware of those factors, even understanding of them. He isn't the type to divorce and leave me homeless, that's never been him, even with how our marriage has become. It's financial and a place to live related matter as to why we haven't pursued a divorce formally, and why we likely will not for awhile.
I don't think either would ask a person to keep it a "deep dark secret", that's a little extreme; but we would be looking to make sure the person doesn't live on base or within the immediate surrounding towns to the base, as my husband is military, and military and their personnel cannot help but get involved in other peoples business and then go brag about it to everyone and their mother, as most act like they are still in high school regardless of their age and rank, and then follows the discipline and/or discharge, given the military has policies that shouldn't even be in effect anymore with this day and age regarding marriages.
Plus, in this day and age, my husband and I value privacy for our private lives more than most of our friends do, and we tried to keep our personal lives just that, private.
 
Welcome.

And for those who have experience with maintaining discretion and privacy and keeping things low-key for a poly/open marriage, definitely looking to learn more about how to effectively do this, as due to our occupations this is absolutely necessary for now at least.
Click to expand...

You don't have to shout it from the street corner "Hey! I'm poly!" but you could tell SOME people. I think if "detangling" is the most skipped step? "Building supportive community" is the second most skipped step. Like wanting to keep everything SO on the down low that you aren't "out" to anyone as poly, and if something goes wrong you only have each other to talk to.

But is it really appropriate to talk to spouse about whatever problems you have in your new poly relationship? That's kinda sloppy hinge stuff, TMI, and possible a recipe for implosion.

And while counselors are helpful, just a counselor is not "supportive community."

we would be looking to make sure the person
Click to expand...

You BOTH are going to date the same person? Why not poly date separately?

we would be looking to make sure the person doesn't live on base or within the immediate surrounding towns to the base, as my husband is military, and military and their personnel cannot help but get involved in other peoples business and then go brag about it to everyone and their mother, as most act like they are still in high school regardless of their age and rank, and then follows the discipline and/or discharge, given the military has policies that shouldn't even be in effect anymore with this day and age regarding marriages.
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Are you talking about the "adultery" thing in the US military? Cuz if one of you is military and SINGLE dating several people that's one thing. But MARRIED, and trying to poly date and it's read like adultery -- that lead to dishonorable discharge, losing your pension, jail, etc.

While I agree some military policy is outdated, it IS the policy right now.

So maybe hold off til whoever is doing a tour of duty is done with it and do not reenlist. THEN try poly. Or if "career" military, wait til retirement to try poly. Clear some things off the table before putting new things on there.

We've discussed divorce in the past, so you mentioning it really doesn't shock me.
Click to expand...

If you have considered divorce in the past, and the main reason not to divorce is financial and a place to live...

Again... maybe get those resolved first? Before adding poly to the mix?

Galagirl
 
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Can unmarried couples live together in military housing? Can gay couples, married or not, live together in military housing? Maybe you have to be married to get the benefit of housing, medical, etc.

This does sound difficult and risky. I think you're saying your own income is low and you want to stay with your husband for financial reasons alone. I could be wrong.
 
Greetings MistressSapiosexual,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your marriage has reached a point where open/poly is a good idea. He is not meeting your needs like he used to, and he wants sexual encounters which is something you can't/don't want to do for him. Open/poly seems like the best solution for these problems. You might want to read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.

To maintain discretion, you must determine which of your family/friends can be counted on to keep a secret, and which ones will spread it around. To the latter group, anyone you're dating is just a friend (or even someone that latter group knows nothing about).

Hopefully this is a little something that will help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Hi there! I'm a Gray ace, but not into kink at all. I've seen a couple of your posts and am wondering if I can message you if you're still looking around for connections?
 
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