To poly or not to poly...

[helendione]

I've been open to poly for a while now, and while I can see myself as happy in a monogamous relationship, I could also see myself as happy in a poly arangement.
Recently I've been given the opportunity to date some poly people. I wouldn't normally consider them as mono partners (one is so busy I'd only see them once a month maybe, the other lives too far away) but I'm considering them as poly partners. What i'm worried about though is if I meet someone new, how do I deal with letting them know I'm dating someone else? What if they are more what I'm looking for, but they're monogamous?

Anyone been in a similar situation?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello helendione,

You say these (two) people you could date are poly -- how do you know they're poly? Are they both seeing other people besides you? Also, are you thinking about dating both of them? If so, have you told them this? and if you have, what did they say about it? All of these things have a bearing on what you should do, and how you should do it.

You say these (two) people are poly -- but then you ask, what if they are monogamous? Is there some reason why you think they might be monogamous? Have they dropped hints indicating that they might be monogamous? The answers to these questions will have a bearing on what you should do, and how you should do it.

With the limitation these (two) poly people have (busy-ness, and long distance), I am thinking you probably won't be able to see either person in person except about once a month. If this is true, then you need to make the most of those in-person visits. I would use your next visits with each, to explain to them that you have a poly side, and that you might use it if you meet someone new. Then if you do meet someone new, tell these two previous partners about it in person.

Those are my thoughts (and queries) anyway.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

What i'm worried about though is if I meet someone new, how do I deal with letting them know I'm dating someone else? What if they are more what I'm looking for, but they're monogamous?

This question sounds like you aren't sure what you want out of a relationship, and like you are a bit of a victim of the direction of the wind. If I am reading this right I would say two things: 1) make sure that your prospective partners know that you don't know what you want, and you might change your tune any moment, 2) do some introspection about what you want out of a relationship, and how you might respond in these theoretical situations you are considering.

There's certainly no harm in not knowing what you want, but I wouldn't feel comfortable there for long (that's just me though), and I definitely would want to warn anyone that's on this journey with me. It is possible that they are functioning under the assumption that I'm solid in my position, so if I'm not it's only humane to give them the heads up "no really, this isn't something I've explored and I have no idea if it's even something I want". If I flip the script on them at a later date their feelings may still be hurt but at least I will have tried to be honest and set them up for success.

 

[helendione]

Hello helendione,

You say these (two) people you could date are poly -- how do you know they're poly? Are they both seeing other people besides you? Also, are you thinking about dating both of them? If so, have you told them this? and if you have, what did they say about it? All of these things have a bearing on what you should do, and how you should do it.

You say these (two) people are poly -- but then you ask, what if they are monogamous? Is there some reason why you think they might be monogamous? Have they dropped hints indicating that they might be monogamous? The answers to these questions will have a bearing on what you should do, and how you should do it.

With the limitation these (two) poly people have (busy-ness, and long distance), I am thinking you probably won't be able to see either person in person except about once a month. If this is true, then you need to make the most of those in-person visits. I would use your next visits with each, to explain to them that you have a poly side, and that you might use it if you meet someone new. Then if you do meet someone new, tell these two previous partners about it in person.

Those are my thoughts (and queries) anyway.
Regards,
Kevin T.

I know because they've told me. I haven't told them I'm thinking about dating both of them, because the first I last spoke to before I met the other guy (he's rarely available to even message) and the other one I've only spoken to on a dating site, but he told me if we start dating he's polyamorous.

I know they aren't monogamous. I'm sorry if what I wrote wasn't clear.

I'm more worried about meeting someone who is more what I'm looking for (i.e someone who could develop into a serious relationship, consider moving in toghether etc.) but them being monogamous, and having to break up with the poly two and wheter it's fair to go into a relationship with that thought.

 

[helendione]

This question sounds like you aren't sure what you want out of a relationship, and like you are a bit of a victim of the direction of the wind. If I am reading this right I would say two things: 1) make sure that your prospective partners know that you don't know what you want, and you might change your tune any moment, 2) do some introspection about what you want out of a relationship, and how you might respond in these theoretical situations you are considering.

There's certainly no harm in not knowing what you want, but I wouldn't feel comfortable there for long (that's just me though), and I definitely would want to warn anyone that's on this journey with me. It is possible that they are functioning under the assumption that I'm solid in my position, so if I'm not it's only humane to give them the heads up "no really, this isn't something I've explored and I have no idea if it's even something I want". If I flip the script on them at a later date their feelings may still be hurt but at least I will have tried to be honest and set them up for success.

I do know what I want. I want a serious relationship which will lead to moving in, getting to know eachother really well, supporting eachother in everything (which might involve having other partners). Neither of these can offer that, but they can offer me the experience of a relationship which is also something I'd like.

 

[Marcus]

I do know what I want. I want a serious relationship which will lead to moving in, getting to know eachother really well, supporting eachother in everything (which might involve having other partners). Neither of these can offer that, but they can offer me the experience of a relationship which is also something I'd like.

Sounds like you want a nesting partner, which may or may not be a polyamorous setup. Since this is the clear preference, if the new theoretical person is monogamous is it your intention to move on from these two non-nesting partners?

 

[helendione]

Sounds like you want a nesting partner, which may or may not be a polyamorous setup. Since this is the clear preference, if the new theoretical person is monogamous is it your intention to move on from these two non-nesting partners?

Yes, that is what I'm saying.

 

[Evie]

Then I hope you've told these two people that so they can choose for themselves if they wish to be a short term relationship until you meet someone who fits your nesting partner ideal.

 

[helendione]

Then I hope you've told these two people that so they can choose for themselves if they wish to be a shot term relationship until you meet someone who fits your nesting partner ideal.

I certainly would fill them in with the details in due course. I wouldn't make it short term relationship though.

 

[Marcus]

I certainly would fill them in with the details in due course. I wouldn't make it short term relationship though.

The length of the relationship is entirely dependent upon an appropriate one coming along though. So while that may not be "short term" in your eyes, it is certainly a "stop-gap" or "filler" relationship.

I'm glad it is your intention to fully disclose all of this to them. It would be cruel to do this to a person without their consent.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi helendione,

Ohhh okay, my bad I misunderstood. You mean what if you started dating one or both of these poly people, and then you met someone monogamous who was more what you were looking for. Well you sort of indicated that you thought you could be equally happy in a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship, so then I would think you should go with the person that ticks more of your boxes. Yes, if that person was monogamous, then you would have to stop dating the polyamorous people. You would have to break up with them, breakups hurt, and maybe you don't want to be the one doing the hurting. I guess the thing to do is, as soon as you start dating the poly people, tell them that a breakup could happen if you meet a monogamous person who meets more of your needs. At least that way the poly people would know what they are signing up for.

But this can happen in monogamous dating as well. You can meet one monogamous person, and start dating them, then meet another monogamous person who ticks more of your boxes, and thus at that point break up with the first monogamous person. In the monogamous dating game, that's a possibility that everyone signs up for. So even if breaking up hurts the person you break up with, the breakup still shouldn't be a complete surprise to them. Even if they're polyamorous. But I guess it makes sense to give them fair warning, ahead of time, that that could happen.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

But this can happen in monogamous dating as well. You can meet one monogamous person, and start dating them, then meet another monogamous person who ticks more of your boxes, and thus at that point break up with the first monogamous person. In the monogamous dating game, that's a possibility that everyone signs up for. So even if breaking up hurts the person you break up with, the breakup still shouldn't be a complete surprise to them. Even if they're polyamorous. But I guess it makes sense to give them fair warning, ahead of time, that that could happen.

The difference being that there is a fundamental and overriding preference that neither of these people meet, and that she knows going in that if/when she encounters someone who meets it she is absolutely going to break up with these two.

That is very different from getting into a monogamous relationship with someone, then deciding you like someone else better and switching to that branch. It would be more like starting a monogamous relationship with someone who is a musician, knowing for certain that when you meet someone who is *not* a musician, you're going to jump ship. That is starting the relationship knowing exactly what the cause of breakup will be and that the existence of this current relationships is merely a stop-gap.

Yes, people change, breakups happen, and this is life. That's not what is happening here.

Again, it's not any more a sin than any other form of relationship, but knowing for certain that these people are just temporary is something that should be voiced.

 

[helendione]

The length of the relationship is entirely dependent upon an appropriate one coming along though. So while that may not be "short term" in your eyes, it is certainly a "stop-gap" or "filler" relationship.

I'm glad it is your intention to fully disclose all of this to them. It would be cruel to do this to a person without their consent.

Not necessarily though. If the other people who arrived were also poly, then I'd be happy to continue the relationship with the less ideal ones (at least practically, not neccesarily romantically), and I'd then no longer be looking for anything monogamous. But yes, they'd have to be aware that there is a possibility I find the right person and they wish to have a monogamous relationship.

 

[helendione]

Hi helendione,

Ohhh okay, my bad I misunderstood. You mean what if you started dating one or both of these poly people, and then you met someone monogamous who was more what you were looking for. Well you sort of indicated that you thought you could be equally happy in a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship, so then I would think you should go with the person that ticks more of your boxes. Yes, if that person was monogamous, then you would have to stop dating the polyamorous people. You would have to break up with them, breakups hurt, and maybe you don't want to be the one doing the hurting. I guess the thing to do is, as soon as you start dating the poly people, tell them that a breakup could happen if you meet a monogamous person who meets more of your needs. At least that way the poly people would know what they are signing up for.

But this can happen in monogamous dating as well. You can meet one monogamous person, and start dating them, then meet another monogamous person who ticks more of your boxes, and thus at that point break up with the first monogamous person. In the monogamous dating game, that's a possibility that everyone signs up for. So even if breaking up hurts the person you break up with, the breakup still shouldn't be a complete surprise to them. Even if they're polyamorous. But I guess it makes sense to give them fair warning, ahead of time, that that could happen.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Hmm, I'm not sure I would do it in a monogamous relationship. I'd only start a serious monogamous relationship if I knew they ticked enough boxes for me to commit to them. I then wouldn't break up with them to be with someone else - rather - I'd break up with them because it wasn't working out with them. On the other hand, if I'm seeing people in a more casual polyamorous situation, I don't feel so bad for that because they know I am looking for other people, and they can also look for other people.

 

[Marcus]

On the other hand, if I'm seeing people in a more casual polyamorous situation, I don't feel so bad for that because they know I am looking for other people, and they can also look for other people.

I didn't actually realize that you are just casually hanging out with these people. I presumed you were having an actual emotional and romantic association with them. If none of you have any emotional connection then it doesn't really matter if you ditch them when you find someone that "ticks your boxes".

Now I get that you view these poly folk as just goof-around pals to do while you're looking for your real relationship, but I think you're doing them and yourself a disservice by approaching it that way. No one is doing anything wrong so long as you are clearly up front with them about their status, but it seems to me that it puts up unnecessary and arbitrary barriers.

Just for the sake of discussion, in my world there is no imaginary list of boxes to tick. Finding a person that ticks a specific combination of boxes doesn't suddenly remove the value of my other associations and automatically cause me to downgrade those associations. To me, treating people like they are just a list of specifications and when the newer model comes out the old one is summarily thrown out, just isn't a healthy way to look at other humans. Instead I try to view all of my associations as individuals, the things I share with them are varied and exist only because that is the natural overlap. That way, it really doesn't matter what I share with my other associations, because each one only exists within what is authentic for that particular pairing, and the concept of "better combination of boxes" isn't relevant.

 

[helendione]

I’m not doing anything with them yet. I don’t intend to just have them as “goof around palls” either. I don’t think I work that way.

I don’t consider people tickyboxes either.

But I can’t have the sort of relationship I want with them- I can’t go on holiday with them, or meet up regularly, or keep eachother updated on our life, or meet up more regularly Han once a month and then, only for a few hours so yes, I am looking for more than they can offer.

So yes, I am a caring person who connects a bit more than you seem to be making out, but also, I do have certain things I want in my life and I don’t think it’s shallow or “downgrading” someone for me to want them.

I think that's the whole crux of the problem. For me, it's all emotional. I don't seem to do anything else, so I know I will get strong feelings for these people. I really want that sort of connection with someone, and I'm not afraid to be hurt myself if I'm honest, but I want to be a little more careful with other people's hearts.

I guess what I'm really asking is whether it's a good idea - with all things on the table - to enter into this sort of "casual" (because of the lace of frequency) but "intense" (because I tend to get intense about people) relationship, and even though they might say "yes" because they like me and it's better than nothing, they may regret or resent me should I find someone who is monogamous but can offer me a little more.

There's also the question of my own emotions messing with my logic - like - if I meet someone who can offer what I'm looking for, but I reject them because I'm attached to someone I've known for longer...

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. I agree with the others to just tell them up front.

I wouldn't normally consider them as mono partners (one is so busy I'd only see them once a month maybe, the other lives too far away) but I'm considering them as poly partners. What i'm worried about though is if I meet someone new, how do I deal with letting them know I'm dating someone else?

You could tell them from the start that you want to casually date, but if things get serious with a different partner, you may have to end the connection.

I'm more worried about meeting someone who is more what I'm looking for (i.e someone who could develop into a serious relationship, consider moving in toghether etc.) but them being monogamous, and having to break up with the poly two and wheter it's fair to go into a relationship with that thought.

Fair to WHO? According to whose personal standard?

• You? You get to pick what you are after.
• Them? So long as everyone knows what the deal is up front? They can take you up on your dating offer or decline your offer.

I think more important right now -- since you aren't involved with anyone --- is to figure out and be clear on what your offer is gonna be.

Basically you want a nesting partner and are relationship shape flexible. Can do either monogamy or poyamory.

• If the nesting partner is poly, then great. You can continue with these other connections if you start something there. (These two people or others)
• If the nesting partner turns out to be monogamous, then these two other connections (or others) will have to come to an end because the expectation in monogamy is eventually you "go steady" with one.

Is that about it? If so, ok. That's the offer on the table. Potentials can take it or leave it after you explain what the deal is here.

I want a serious relationship which will lead to moving in, getting to know each other really well, supporting each other in everything (which might involve having other partners). Neither of these can offer that, but they can offer me the experience of a relationship which is also something I'd like.

What is this "experience of a relationship" mean?

Are you just settling for whoever just to get to have a relationship right now? Or is this supposed to be FWB only? Never had a relationship? Something else?

Could you please be willing to clarify?

But I can’t have the sort of relationship I want with them- I can’t go on holiday with them, or meet up regularly, or keep each other updated on our life, or meet up more regularly Han once a month and then, only for a few hours so yes, I am looking for more than they can offer.

If a casual relationship like described above isn't what you are after and enjoy... why settle?

Why not remain single and skip dating these two potentials so you don't have this inner conflict thing going on?

This back and forth thing... Could you be overthinking this? What do you need to become more firm of purpose? Have peace of mind?

I guess what I'm really asking is whether it's a good idea - with all things on the table - to enter into this sort of "casual" (because of the lack of frequency) but "intense" (because I tend to get intense about people) relationship, and even though they might say "yes" because they like me and it's better than nothing, they may regret or resent me should I find someone who is monogamous but can offer me a little more.

Are you the one considering dating these potentials that aren't really want you want because you like them "it's better than nothing?" Then worrying they might resent you if you dump them for someone you like better?

I don't think there's anything wrong with "relationships of a season." Like a summer romance that is done at the end of the summer vacation. Or dating til college grad. Or whatever the season is.

So long as people know up front what the deal is? They are consenting adults. If the deal doesn't suit them, they don't have to sign up.

However it is they feel at the end of the season? That's how they feel.

Me? I think a good parting is ok. No regrets. Like I enjoyed the time shared, sad it has to end, but glad I got to do it. So it ends well over all.

There's also the question of my own emotions messing with my logic - like - if I meet someone who can offer what I'm looking for, but I reject them because I'm attached to someone I've known for longer...

I don't stay with people JUST because I've been there a long time.

You know your own emotional intensity. You know where you want to spend your time. You know what is worthwhile to you or not.

I think this is only something you can decide -- if you want to date these two poly potentials or not.

FWIW, don't settle. Even if it's casual dating or FWB or whatever, don't take up with people who don't meet your personal standards. Or use people to fill time or avoid being on your own.

Especially if you know you are intense/emotional. Because the journey would be intense and emotional for you. If you don't want to pay that price of admission? Don't.

I think that's the whole crux of the problem. For me, it's all emotional. I don't seem to do anything else, so I know I will get strong feelings for these people. I really want that sort of connection with someone, and I'm not afraid to be hurt myself if I'm honest, but I want to be a little more careful with other people's hearts.

Is this your highest value or goal?

If you know your own self and that you tend to get "intense" and "emotional?" And dealing with this would be hard on you because then you have to deal with strong feelings and end up worrying about everyone else?

Could worry more about your own well being and not start this up with the two casual poly potentials in the first place.

You already seem to be spending more time on this than the situation calls for. You aren't even dating them yet and all this stress?

Perhaps that's a sign to remain single and seek the nesting partner you actually want the most.

Then you are doing BOTH. Looking out for your own self (skipping this bonus side stress) AND being careful with other people's hearts. Because if you just don't start anything with them? Then there aren't any hearts on the line to break or hurt.

Could that approach give you more peace of mind?

Galagirl

 

[Inaniel]

I guess what I'm really asking is whether it's a good idea - with all things on the table - to enter into this sort of "casual" (because of the lace of frequency) but "intense" (because I tend to get intense about people) relationship, and even though they might say "yes" because they like me and it's better than nothing, they may regret or resent me should I find someone who is monogamous but can offer me a little more.

Unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball. The possibility for resentment exists, the probability of that occurring will depend on the amount of honesty and boundary control each person in the relationship can achieve.

There's also the question of my own emotions messing with my logic - like - if I meet someone who can offer what I'm looking for, but I reject them because I'm attached to someone I've known for longer...

I see this as an internal conflict with your own ability to adhere to your personal boundaries.

This one is all you. It’s appropriate to know your limits and place yourself in situations that you are confident will position you well for larger long term goals.