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BrittandJax

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Hi. I'm in a very unique situation. Please no hate. I'm a woman in a relationship with my soulbond. Basically, a sentient imaginary friend/extra personality existing within my body/mind. That means if I also date a physical person, this will automatically be a poly situation. Recently I have posted on some sites about wanting to find someone who is attracted to me and him both. He's attracted to women and I'm bi. But apparently, he and I are horrible and unethical for wanting a triad. I don't really see us as unicorn hunters, and I feel we both would benefit from physical touch because we miss out on that with him inhabiting my same body. Are we horrible for wanting a triad? We definitely would treat this person fairly and not as someone just there for sex. But apparently even having this desire is wrong. Should we give up?
 
I think your situation is different than 3 physical people wanting to triad.

You and your soulbond person inhabit the same body.

So your potential dating partner needs to be aware of that.

And if good with it?

Carry on dating however it is you / soulbond / new person see fit.

Galagirl
 
Hello BrittandJax,

Wanting a triad is fine, it does not automatically make you a unicorn hunter. Just, whomever you do date, let them know upfront what they are signing up for. It sounds like you will expect them to love both you and your soulbond. Make sure they know that, and agree to it, right from the beginning. If you do that, then you are doing just fine.

You are not wrong to have this desire. Don't give up.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Did someone describe you as horrible and unethical? Where are those feelings coming from?

Unicorn hunters are not horrible people. Unicorn hunters often have some naive ideas but that does not make them horrible people.

A proposed physical partner would need to be attracted to you and your soulbond. And I am assuming that intimacy will be strictly limited to you and your soulbond simultaneously?

Those requirements place you in unicorn hunter territory. The added expectation that someone be attracted to someone without a physical presence makes this a taller order still.

That sort of makes you a Unicorn Hunter Squared. Since the term generally refers to the probability of finding the right partner, it doesn’t automatically infer unethical behavior.
 
Inaniel said:
Did someone describe you as horrible and unethical? Where are those feelings coming from?

Unicorn hunters are not horrible people. Unicorn hunters often have some naive ideas but that does not make them horrible people.

A proposed physical partner would need to be attracted to you and your soulbond. And I am assuming that intimacy will be strictly limited to you and your soulbond simultaneously?

Those requirements place you in unicorn hunter territory. The added expectation that someone be attracted to someone without a physical presence makes this a taller order still.

That sort of makes you a Unicorn Hunter Squared. Since the term generally refers to the probability of finding the right partner, it doesn’t automatically infer unethical behavior.
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They wouldn't automatically have to be intimate with him every time because he can go dormant/shut his part of the brain off/ choose to not participate. Anyway...I have read that unicorn hunting is always unethical and there are a lot of people saying so, not just to me but there are debates about it online. I'm glad you don't find me and my partner unethical. We've realized that we have been naive and we will work on that.
 
It’s true that unicorn hunters are sometimes met with hostility and negative preconceptions. Such behavior even exists on this forum. Do keep in mind that no one person speaks for polyamory.

Poly communities are full of people, and people are capable of treating one another poorly in any community. Even with polyamory in common, a lot of diversity exists in how the various members of this community approaches relationships. As long as there is transparency and consent to participate in the absence of coercion; virtually any configuration would be considered ethical in my view.
 
I want to thank everyone for being so helpful. There is one site in particular where my partner and I were totally bashed for even suggesting what we were looking for. That one particular site is also full of people making assumptions about my mental health for having a soulbond. Its funny, because people here and people on Facebook have been very accepting about his existence. It seems that one particular site we're on is full of negativity. So glad we had a different experience here. My guy thanks you all also!
 
BrittandJax said:
That one particular site is also full of people making assumptions about my mental health for having a soulbond.
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Just to be clear though, this is a person that exists inside your mind and is not an actual person? Do you believe that this is a real person, or is this kind of an "I feel so differently sometimes that I actually have a different internal classification for the distinct moods"?
 
Marcus said:
Just to be clear though, this is a person that exists inside your mind and is not an actual person? Do you believe that this is a real person, or is this kind of an "I feel so differently sometimes that I actually have a different internal classification for the distinct
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This site should explain it. Please read with an open mind. There is a Q& A section there thatcis very helpful. https://www.tulpa.info/
 
BrittandJax said:
Hi. I'm in a very unique situation. Please no hate. I'm a woman in a relationship with my soulbond. Basically, a sentient imaginary friend/extra personality existing within my body/mind. That means if I also date a physical person, this will automatically be a poly situation. Recently I have posted on some sites about wanting to find someone who is attracted to me and him both. He's attracted to women and I'm bi. But apparently, he and I are horrible and unethical for wanting a triad. I don't really see us as unicorn hunters, and I feel we both would benefit from physical touch because we miss out on that with him inhabiting my same body. Are we horrible for wanting a triad? We definitely would treat this person fairly and not as someone just there for sex. But apparently even having this desire is wrong. Should we give up?
Click to expand...
Perhaps you could just create another “sentient imaginary friend/extra personality” to be your OSO. There’s definitely an advantage to this. No worries about pregnancy, STIs, or even cheating. 😊
 
TomSloan said:
Perhaps you could just create another “sentient imaginary friend/extra personality” to be your OSO. There’s definitely an advantage to this. No worries about pregnancy, STIs, or even cheating. 😊
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That's indeed true but even that brings up ethical dilemmas. What if we bring someone to life and she decides she's not into us like that? We won't coerce her. Also, touch from a physical person is nice. But the more I learn, the more I realize these kinds of triads are very complicated, hard to do ethically, and while it's a nice fantasy to want what we want, we may not be mentally and emotionally mature enough to do this without someone getting hurt. My research says most of these kinds of triads fail.
 
Evie said:
Here's an ethical approach to unicorns: https://poly.land/2016/11/14/unicorn-ranchers-sanctuary/
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I read through it and it brought up very good points. I think the things mentioned on the article are things we could navigate. If we go by that article, it can be done ethically. We definitely wouldn't try to hide our partner like some do. For one, we aren't like that. For another, we'd look like two individuals instead of 3 anyway because my guy lives in my brain. This gives me hope, but I've also read different view points saying it can never be done ethically. My brain hurts, because I tend to see and sympathize with both sides in a lot of debates like this. In the end, we want this, but not if it is going to hurt someone.
 
Honestly, I think your choice to foster this imaginary friend is going to limit your dating pool to others who do the same. In which case you'll all navigate the unicorn issues together.
 
In the end, we want this, but not if it is going to hurt someone.
Click to expand...

You can want what you want.

It's fine to be a caring person and be considerate of others. But you also have to care about YOUR OWN well being and not overthink things. You aren't going to behave like a jerk on purpose to people, right?

You talk like you want a triad but don't want to do it if the other person gets or feels hurt. Well, isn't their emotional management their lookout? Isn't it their responsibility not to get involved in things that don't suit them?

If you want to have a triad with you, your soulbond person, and a new person? Go seek potentials then who might want same. It either pans out or not.

What's the big worry about them feeling hurt?

Other people? They are adults. If they choose to get into something of their consenting own free will? I expect them to be ok with the inherent risks of the undertaking. You aren't forcing them to do anything.

If I want to date people? I accept we might break up. Because not everyone one dates is a match. If I don't ever want to experience the pain or hurt of a break up? I could just not date. It's on me. Right?

Making yourself "pre-anxious" or "pre-worrying" things... esp when it isn't your area of concern? What for? It's not your job to do other people's emotional management for them.

I think it's ok for each adult to be responsible for making their own choices. And they have the freedom to hear what your offer is and go "Ok. Well, that's nice for you, but it isn't what I'm after. Thanks. Wish you luck!" shake hands and part ways.

Those who accept the offer and want to try? Ok. Some will make it to first date, but not to initially compatible. Those that make it to initially compatible for a few months? Might not make it to DEEPLY compatible.

It's part of what the dating process if FOR. To get to know people, and see what lines up and what doesn't.

This gives me hope, but I've also read different view points saying it can never be done ethically. My brain hurts, because I tend to see and sympathize with both sides in a lot of debates like this.
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Maybe time to stop reading so much. Because in the end? WHOSE ethics? The three people involved. You, soulbond, and potential. These would be the people here.

So it doesn't matter what the other people in the debate article think or find ethical. Their personal ethics don't have to your personal ethics. And you aren't dating those people, are you?

The thing about poly relationships and the agreements in them? The actual people IN that polyship are the ones who make the agreements and have to be happy with it.

Not anyone else.

Galagirl
 
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Evie said:
Honestly, I think your choice to foster this imaginary friend is going to limit your dating pool to others who do the same.
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I would think you'd date exclusively within that social circle. I'm not sure how you would branch out to the "don't have imaginary long term partners" crowd. At the very least you'd need quite a bit of complete honesty right out of the gate just to see who makes the initial cut.

Brittan do you encounter a lot of people who take your imaginary friend in stride?
 
Marcus said:
I would think you'd date exclusively within that social circle. I'm not sure how you would branch out to the "don't have imaginary long term partners" crowd. At the very least you'd need quite a bit of complete honesty right out of the gate just to see who makes the initial cut.

Brittan do you encounter a lot of people who take your imaginary friend in stride?
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I meet people who accept him, especially in the nerdy circles I hang in
 
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