I'm sorry you struggle.
I mean this kindly ok?
My problem is, my partner is and has been constantly suspicious of every little thing I do.
Is that something you admire and look for in a partner? If not, why continue to date him? Might be simpler for you to decide he doesn't make the cut against your personal standard.
I know that might seem really bold putting it out there super plain like that. Esp when I'm some internet stranger that doesn't know anything about you or him.
But we all get to pick what we seek in a partner. We all get to pick what we are and are not attracted to. What we will and will not put up with. And for how long. We all get to make our own personal standard, right?
So I encourage you to set your soft feelings for him to the side for a moment. Pull out your personal standard for what you seek in a healthy relationship. Then assess.
Does this partner
actually make the cut after a year in? Or not so much?
If this behavior is not something you look for in a partner? Maybe he doesn't make the cut any more then. There was some initial attraction maybe, but nope. Now that you have known him for a little over a year and are seeing true colors? Maybe he does not make the cut for deep compatibility.
Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.
It's something we've discussed before and it didn't seem to help. I know why I'm dishonest sometimes. It's when I feel like I can't come to you with issues or in this case it was because it didn't seem to matter what I said he would've made some kind of comment subtly stating his suspicion of me. So omitting a detail seemed easier than dealing with his suspicious ways and getting myself flustered because of it.
Sounds like you don't really feel safe to be authentic you here. He suspects things, true or not, and then after thinking things like that, reacts in a way that flusters/scares you. So you lie/try to protect yourself.
At 1 year in? To me this is usually the pink fluffy lala clouds time of NRE. People are usually are still on their best behavior for dating. So if this is all he has for BEST?
You already asked for changes in behavior to no avail?
Maybe consider bowing out then and keeping life a lot simpler for you. Move on to date others and just not deal with this any more. A year isn't all that long. You haven't invested tons here.
You didn't mention your age. If you are new to dating? That might bring up other concerns -- like HOW to break up, esp if you are a young adult and don't have the skills yet.
And any break up, even when needed or the healthiest thing to do in a situation? Will bring some sadness.
Or if there are worries that the partner might get weird like "If I can't have you, nobody can!" That can add another layer of concerns about leaving safely.
I do care about him, but when it gets to a point where this is such a problem it makes me want to just hide from it instead of taking it on.. I'm not sure what to do.
You can leave so it becomes a non-problem for you after you complete your break up healing.
- You can pick if you want to just plain leave. And totally close the door.
- Or if you want to leave the door open a crack like "Look, I can't be here like this with a partner who is suspicious of me all the time. I am breaking up with you. I don't know how to help you. I do hope you get help and work on that and things get better for you. If you do get counseling and get better, look me up again. Maybe we can try again. But we cannot continue like this. So I have to leave."
You aren't responsible for whatever is going on inside him that makes him behave this way. One can care about others, but one must care about their OWN well being FIRST. Not like selfish, but like self care.
If being here is filling you with worry, you can't be your authentic self, you walk on tiptoe, lie to protect yourself from his reactions/suspicions/whatever... is how you wanted to be living your life? Is you staying here a good way to take care of you?
Your consent to participate or continue in things belong to YOU. If you don't feel good being here any more? You already asked for changes and nothing is forthcoming? Maybe it's ok to STOP being here then. Sad as coming to terms with that might be.
It's ok to decide that you gave it a fair shake for a year and nope. Things don't line up for anything long term here. It's ok to end it.
Because love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable long haul. So you have to love yourself and get yourself out of the unhappy.
I give this tool to all my kids.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
Maybe it helps you decide. But you cannot fix this alone. If he's not going to fix whatever personal things on the inside that causes his suspicions and then changes his behaviors towards you?
Then YOU could work on accepting this is ALL you are ever gonna get here -- this never ending suspicion thing.
And then YOU decide if you want to live with that and with the lying you do to try to protect yourself. Or if you prefer to break up and just be free of all that stress entirely.
Like when all the options stink? Which one stinks the LEAST then?
For me? I'm middle aged. My tolerance/patience for this kind of thing is way low. I think being in a relationship could bring out my BEST self. Not bring out sides of me that I'm not crazy about -- fear, lying, etc. I don't want to live my life walking on eggshells because someone else goes around all suspicious of me. I don't think that's healthy ground to build anything on. I've been happy living alone. So being on my own again doesn't bother me. I'd rather be on my own than put up with partnered weirdness.
So I encourage you to do your soul searching. Review what you do/do not want in a partner. And if this one no longer makes the cut? Be ok letting go.
I hope things get better for you whatever you decide.
Galagirl