Glad it was helpful.
I also understand that moving past this without all parties feeling comfortable with this brings its own problems.
Why does everyone need to be
comfortable? I thought you all wanted to be here of your own volition, and are all willing to grow PAST your previous comfort zones.
Of course, it's better to keep it within the range of "comfortably uncomfortable."
Like if I have to hop on stepping stones across this river and the stones are 3 feet apart. Ok, not as nice as just walking normal. I have to make a little jump. But it is doable and in the realm of "comfortably uncomfortable. " And once I get past this patch I can be on the grass again and walk normal.
Just leaping across the whole river and not using the stepping stones? One giant leap? That's crazy uncomfortable and not realistic. Any maybe person A runs across. Well, I am more like hop, pause, hop, pause. People don't all have to cross the exact same way.
But if you are looking only for "what is comfortable for all?" Is that your job? Or did you mean it like in a general sense?
Maybe a range of "comfortable enough" to "comfortably uncomfortable" allows the stretch required to grow. And each person determines what that range entails FOR THEMSELVES and articulates it because the other people are not mind readers.
So again... discuss conflict resolution. Discus info management too. In fact, create safer sex agreements and calendar agreements. Nobody likes being ditched with all the chores while partner flits off to have fun. And yeah, dating 3 people in NRE is a high... but schedule rest and time to be alone, with other friends, and other family. Create balance in your own life. Let the others figure out balance in theirs.
Could just assume that everyone is sharing both love and sex with everyone else at THEIR speed, and it's not your business how fast or how slow that unfolds inside those other dyads.
It IS your business every time you share sex with someone to ask "Ok, since you and I last shared sex, were there any new people? Were safer sex practices used?" because you are responsible for the health and well being of your body.
Might also discuss emotional boundaries, esp the spouses. Some spouses are so used to using the spouse as a sounding board for EVERYTHING. Well, the spouse is not going to want to hear about your problems with your other partners because it puts them in the middle. They are also dating these people. And you might not want it from the other partners either -- putting you in the middle.
If you haven't lined up other support OUTSIDE this system, that's going to be a potential tripping hazard. Get your support system in order ASAP. Seek a poly counselor if needed/in your budget.
I think I am most concerned with finding a way to put training wheels on so to speak while allowing room for growth.......and also balancing the fact that everyone will evolve at a different pace.
Say you are "C" since your name is Coffeeandconvo.
Right now you seem focused on ABCD.
How about each person manages their fair share of that? The health of the overall larger polyship is built on the health of the mini relationships inside. Some pairs or trios might need some training wheels. Some might not.
And whatever training wheel agreements YOU make with one of your partners? Put a clock on it and both sides state what they will/will not be doing. Reduce the foot dragging. Consider reading
this article and how it might apply in your situation.
And let the other people worry about their training wheel agreements with their other partners. That is not your area of concern.
Some newbie hinges are so worried about "making things work" they do more than their fair share, going around checking all the things, doing other people's jobs for them, stepping on toes, etc. It burns them out and doesn't allow the other people the time/space to practice and grow the skills for themselves. It might also annoy others by overstepping. And it does not take into account that very thing -- everyone will evolve at a different pace. Could let them do it without you getting involved in their areas.
Could shrink your scope. In "phase 1" could let go of ABCD and just worry about
C
CA
CB
CD
mini relationships first. What training wheels do YOU need in each of those layers?
The rest of the layers can come over time.
ABC
BCD
ABCD
and so on. Stop trying to jump right over into ABCD. Tend to the stepping stones first. AD? AB? That is NOT your stepping stone. AC? Ok, that's a shared one where you appear.
Be up front with partners that you want to focus on one layer at a time, and you will make honest mistakes and aren't trying to ding anyone on purpose. Give all of you the grace of being in a learning time. Jumping stepping stones sometimes makes splash. It's not realistic to be rigid about NEVER getting splashed. It's more realistic to think about IF you get splashed, how will this be solved? What is acceptable risk? What is a deal breaker?
Remember that agreements "in words" sometimes turn out different "in practice" and may need some tweaks after discoveries "in the field" are made.
If everyone expanded out from their original concerns of
C
CD
to thinking about
C
CA
CB
CD
and allowed each leg the time and space to develop on its own? Phase 1 becomes a stretch, but perhaps not as overwhelming to think about. The others tend to their own minis from their perspectives. And this time I don't remove the repeaters. Because communication actually goes both ways.
A ---> B ( A communicates fine with B in that direction)
B--->A (Does it work the other way around? That's for the AB dyad to figure out for themselves without C or D getting all up in their biz. )
A
AB
AC
AD
B
BC
BD
BA
C
CA
CB
CD
D
DA
DB
DC
And in each one tending their patch? The bigger ABCD starts to take shape. Don't be surprised if it's not all perfectly equal/same like
a perfect cross square ABCD. Because each dynamic on each leg is different. It might end up like an
irregular cross trapezoid, but if that's what works for all the legs and feels comfortable enough and balanced enough? That's what works.
It's fine if you want to talk as a quad sometimes. And sometimes it is actually needed. But not all the time. I'll tell ya... sometimes it might be the same as my work. "Why am I here at this meeting? This could have been an email."
Esp if it's really an ABD issue? Why do you, C, have to attend this meeting like its some (ABD) + C or ABCD thing? You aren't the referee. You aren't the free therapist. Yes, you care about all these people. But no. On this issue? This is not your area of concern or business. Can't they sort that out on their own?
I know there's a lot to think about. So again... go slow, enjoying the unfolding, and keep a reality check on the NRE. Make realistic initial agreements, and as you go along the stepping stones figure out what you will keep and what was just a temporary training wheels thing or if some new things are needed.
Galagirl
